The View From the Pyramids

"I would like to welcome you all to our workshop 'The View from the Pyramids-A Glorious Past and a Challenging Future'. I said that right, right? Heh heh, yes, so... Thank you all for braving the parking from the football game. But I must say in my defense, when I planned this workshop, a game was not scheduled.

There are several people that I would like to thank. First of all we have a crew of dedicated volunteers from the education community that I could not do without. Unfortunately, none of them are in the room to hear me thank them, but you should know that I thank them. I would also like to thank the education department at the Utah Museum of Fine Arts. And......They also are not in the room at the moment.....but there are alot of people working diligently behind the scenes to bring this workshop to you today.

A couple of announcements: first of all don't forget to buy your lunch tickets today if you haven't already. And secondly we have stopped sending out our newsletter and event flyers in the mail, and we have moved to an electronic system rather than through the mail. So, yeah, if you haven't signed up for event emails there are sign-up sheets on our registration tables. Don't worry, we won't flood your inbox with silly emails....only ones of interest. Oh by the way, I'm Debbie. I'm the one who sends you the emails.

Now I have a few introductions that need to be made...."

That is only the beginning of my total manic and scatterbrained intro that I gave at our October workshop yesterday. The rest of my time on stage got a little better than the initial intro.....thank god. The workshop went well....or at least it seemed to. Even though I am done with the workshop, I still feel a little unsure of how it went. It was quite a blur....still is a blur.

But eyewitness accounts are all positive.

Breaking the Laws of Domestic Physics

I understand that the purpose of the newly revised household chore list was to get the items on it done.

I also understand that the purpose of this new list is to clean those odd things that you forget until they become really horrible....like sweeping the baseboards or removing the strange and possibly toxic dust buildup on the blades of the ceiling fan.

I thought that I would be relatively safe with tonight's task of cleaning and disinfecting the garbage cans....until this.

Know what this is?

No, it isn't something molding.

This is the crystallized mass of dryer lint and odd bits of laundry soap that were in the bottom of the garbage can in the laundry room. It came off in one large piece.


Here is a view of the topside of it, a mountain of dryer lint.

I think that it was beginning to fossilize.

I am positive that this is not only unnatural, but breaks some sort of natural law.

Yellow Legwarmers Make Me Feel Better

So the times where I don't blog are typically times of great busyness or great reflection. In this case, my absense is both.

On the busy front I had the following: parent's visiting, running a UEA booth for two days, bachlorette party, wedding rehearsal, Libby's wedding, fending off Jimmy's sickness, surviving running my first Outreach Advisory Council meeting, Jimmy's 21st birthday, succumbing to Jimmy's illness, and trying not to go crazy in the build-up to the October workshop.

After being sick, besides reveling in the ability that you can wear the craziest things when you are ill (yes--neon yellow legwarmers were involved), I've decided that I need to get my little brother a t-shirt that says "I am a human petri dish".

As to the period of great reflection, it has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. It started with the realization after my Grandmother's death that I could survive without therapy. So I brought this to my therapy session with the idea of working towards transitioning out of treatment. And in many ways, my therapist earns her money, because she pointed out that we haven't discussed the elephant in the room, which is how I treat relationships in general.

A friend of mine recently was introduced to my blog and pointed out that I admit more on the blog about my feelings than I do to people face to face. If you just know me by my blog, you would probably have a very different view of me than if you knew me in person. It is easier revealing more of my emotional state in writing than it is in person. Here I can write about my weaknesses, my failings, but I don't have to deal with people seeing that pain in my face. To my friend who pointed this out....I can only tell you that there are plenty of members of my family who would gladly commiserate with you.

I've been avoiding talking about how I view the varieties of relationships that I have in my life with my therapist. I started out trying to date, trying to start anew....and I just can't do it. I feel judged by new people when I talk about my past. So in order to not have to talk about the real me I talk about my days in Turkey, or I ask them about themselves and foster that conversation. The result of this is that I know alot of people better than they know me. And in talking about relationships with Esther, I've hit my comfort threshold. I've probably revealed more of my layers to her than to any other person. Which is sad....and to me, frightening to the point of paralysis.

So I will admit that I have some serious relationship "issues". I fear being hurt, so I don't trust anyone with any information about myself. I want someone to take the time to get past my defenses, but I am not going to ask someone to try. I feel lonely, but don't want to do much about it....but I think part of that melancholy can be blamed on the fact that I just listened to Johnny Cash's Ballad of Ira Hayes.....which might be the most depressing song that I have ever heard in my entire life. So depressing that I totally lost any desire to practice piano tonight.....but not depressing enough to discourage me from wanting to take a nice hot bath. Which is where I am going now.

Hey, if you're lucky, I might take a picture of the yellow legwarmers and post them....cause they...were totally sexy.

Goodbye Grandma Ellie

Early last Wednesday morning my grandmother was found, she had passed away in her sleep sometime during the night. Her death wasn't unexpected. She was ill and had been for a long time...and even though you are expecting a death, it still feels unexpected when it actually happens.

I think that I have cried more for her passing than my grandfather and my uncle put together. But these haven't been tears of regret, but more tears of relief. I think that I am finally able to mourn them all.

When Uncle Don died it was the end of the semester, Mr.3 was just starting to get squirrely with the fateful forged loan check, my grandpa was shutting down and all I wanted to do was fix things for my family.

When my Grandfather died (five months later) my father was out of a job, Jimmy had been moved up to my house to finish out school, Mr. 3 was in jail, and my mom was valiantly trying to hold herself together after a grueling month of taking care of my grandfather before he died. All I wanted to do was fix things for my family.

But there is only so much that I could fix. I lived in a constant state of anxiety, feeling obligated to hold up my entire family (and Mr.3)....all the while I was crumbling inside. Realistically I never had time to mourn either of them. And it was heartbreaking watching my grandmother mourn someone that she couldn't fully remember anymore.

I didn't go to the funeral although I wanted to. My parents kept saying that it was "too much" citing that my car wouldn't make the trip. And while I think that was a really lame excuse for making me feel like I shouldn't come. Instead of letting it fester, I did confront my mom with it. There was no satisfying answer, but the mere fact that I even addressed it with her was huge. At least to me it is. There has been so many little injustices that I have felt in my life that I have just kept quiet about, just let fester and burn.....speaking out was huge for me. And when it comes down to it, it was "too much for me to handle"....not for my car, but for me. I've been a wreck since I found out on Thursday afternoon (please note, she was found Wednesday morning and my step-aunt didn't bother to get around to telling us until late Thursday afternoon). I've been exhausted and emotionally frayed. And for once.....I really wasn't physically able to make the long haul emotional drive in the middle of the night for someone who wasn't there. I did that once trying to find Mr.3 in Denver...and it was awful. Trying to do the same thing for someone who I have felt that I have lost years ago would have been lunacy.

I have never really had any strong inclinations about the afterlife. For the most part I figure that I'll find out when I get there....and as long as I have been a good and decent person in this life, things can't really be that bad in the next, if there is one.

Since my Uncle passed away in 2006, my life has gone through alot of turmoil. And each of the terrible things that I have experienced cannot be dealt with individually but as a whole.....and so it would make sense that I would be experiencing all this grief now. When you look at the stages of grief they go in cycles, and cycle out until the pain is gone. First, there is denial...and well, there is alot about the whole Mr.3 saga that fits under that category. Second, anger (uh, yeah!), the third is bargaining.....there has been alot of that. The fourth level has been depression....another checkbox there. And the fifth level is acceptance. I read an article that separated out the fifth step into three parts: the upward turn, reconstruction and working through, and acceptance and hope. And I think that my feet are planted firmly within stage five. In fact, when I saw Esther today, I realized that I could move on without her. I actually got up to leave almost 15 minutes before the end of my session. When she asked me why, I told her that I didn't really have anything else to say. I'm sad and that's ok. I don't want to talk about my grief but just cry to get that emotion out of my system. I don't wish for my grandmother (or even my grandfather and uncle for that matter) back. I am sorry that she is gone, but I don't feel abandoned. And even though the old drama between my aunt and my mom threatens to resurface again with the finalization of the trust...I don't even care about it. Because I can't fix it, and I shouldn't have to. I've offered what I can emotionally and physically and said where I have to draw the line. This is big. So big that every word that I could look up in the thesaurus for big wouldn't be able to describe the enormity of it.

I realize that very little of this post has been about my grandmother....but honestly....when we grieve are we grieving for the person or ourselves? Similar to the case of my grandfather, I wasn't able to have any mementos of my grandmother, and I am now on the lookout for a stainglass hummingbird decal for my window. When I was little, Grandma had just cleaned the stained glass window (leaving the screen door back) and had told me that the kids next door were waiting in the backyard to play with me. She told me that I could go out and play but not to run in the house. Being the little kid that I was, and seeing what looked like an open door, I only heard "backyard" "play" and "run". The result of which was me shattering the glass door and a permanent scar on my head. From then on, Grandma had hummingbird decals on the windows so that I would realize that the door was in fact- closed. Finding something similar would be a fitting memento of her.

As to memories of her, I like to think of her when I visited last just after my uncle's death. My grandfather was inconsolable, and Grandma and I had banded together to goof off and have a bit of fun to relax away from my brooding grandfather. We had gone for a walk in her neighborhood, did lots of giggling....and when we came back my Grandpa was in the living room talking seriously with my mom. Grandma had sat on the arm of the sofa...I can still remember how her feet looked in her slippers. As we were sitting there, she kept slipping backwards onto the sofa...finally she just let go of the arm and slided onto the couch with a little "wheee!". It was so unexpected. Grandma and I were trying to hold in the giggles because of the tenseness of Grandpa...and then....he let out this belly laugh. A laugh that I hadn't heard since I was a little kid. It was a moment of levity and closeness in the face of immense sadness...and that is how I wish to remember her...


wheeeee!

Goodbye Grandma Ellie, I love you.

Getting Rid of the Rest of the Books

Can you tell what these are?
These stacks of 60 odd books, 67 to be exact, are all books of Mr. 3's that I am going to be getting rid of.

I originally kept them because they represented a sizable amount of money that I spent buying them for him, and I also had some wild and crazy idea about writing a book on terrorism for parents and teachers. Honestly, I know that these are books that I will never read. I also don't want to try to sell them...that takes time and energy that I do not have. I don't need to have any more negativity from these books hanging around in my house.

So over the next day or so I am going to put them in the hallway by the MEC with a sign that says "Free, Please Take".

In honor of this latest cleansing, here are the titles of what I am giving away: Mirage- Power, Politics, and the Hidden History of Arabian Oil; Twilight in the Desert; Infiltration; The Eve of Destruction; Islam and Terrorism; Politics in the Middle East; Nation and Religion in the Middle East; Desecularism of the World; Religion and State; The Political Language of Islam; Through Our Enemies Eyes; Troubled Waters; The West at War; Disinformation; The Two Faces of Islam; Hamas; No God but God; An Anatomy of Terror; New Glory; The Osama Bin Laden I Know; Uncharted Journey; Over a Barrel; The West's Last Chance; The Palestinian Right to Return; Atomic Iran; A History of Islamic Societies; The War for Palestine; The Sword of the Prophet; The Shahids; Unholy War; God's Rule; The Story of Political Philosophies; Profiles in Terror; The Military Balance in the Middle East; Countdown to Crisis; Holiest Wars; The Muqaddinah; Why I am Not a Muslim; The Future of Political Islam; Airbourne Carpet; American Political Thought; Islam and Revolution in the Middle East; Seven Theories of Religion; European Union; Guadalcanal; Battle of the Reichswald; Rouge States and Nuclear Powers; Runaway World; Voices of Terror; the History of Jihad; War and Destiny; An Autumn of War; Unholy Alliance; Warrant of Terror; Modern Tyrants; Peace is Possible; The Road to Martyr's Square; the Myth of Islamic Tolerance; Information Assurance; Ideas and Foreign Policy; The Emerging European Union; The Government and Politics of the European Union; The Formative Period of Islamic Thought; Bringing Religion into International Relations; Journey of the Jihadist; Islam; Islamic Imperialism; and Between War and Peace.....phew! It is a long list! And probably represents close to $1000 in books.

So come one and come all....help yourself to a pile of books in the basement of OSH!

Brilliant! IKEA Heights

So I try to share the wealth with the various gems I find in the course of working Job 3, today's gem is a site called IKEA Heights. It is a melodrama that they are filming in an IKEA store, without the store's knowledge...it's just awesome.

IKEA Heights from DaveAOK on Vimeo.

The Staycation

Well I am now at the halfway point in the five day holiday weekend that I am taking. Part of the focus of this weekend is to reflect on what I want and how I want to proceed with the current employment situation.

A couple of odd things have happened since my last post. One, it was dictated to me that I must change my working hours from 7:30-1:30 to 9:00-3:00. This totally throws my work schedule out of whack, but more importantly it has just infuriated me. Yeah, I could adapt....but I am not willing to bend. The second thing that happened was that I approached the new Director with some concerns. Originally I had intended the conversation to be just about dispelling some rumors about the hiring of the new Outreach Director ("That's a personnel issue!"), but it ended up turning out to be about alot of my job frustrations...the triple workload, the new hours decree (he doesn't care that I have other obligations that might interfere). I think that if it had been anyone else, I might have come away from the conversation with a ray of hope. He was after all willing to consider other work-hour arrangements for me.....but then again he just wants me to be at his beck-and-call for as much time as humanly possible between 8 and 5 Monday thru Friday and not go over my 30 hours. He was willing to listen to my concerns, but kept reminding me that the Outreach program and how the system was set up was an "abnormality that shouldn't have been allowed to survive".....which unfortunately kept making me feel that the Outreach program was some runt kitten that he was trying to get rid of. Like in the Disney version of the Hunchback of Notre Dame when the judge first sees the infant Quasimodo, cries that it is an abomination, and is about to drown the baby when the priest stops him....it was sorta like that. But as I said, if it had been any other person I might have been able to believe the best of what he said. I might have been able to "just adapt" as he told me to do. Upon reflection, I can't. I cannot trust him. I have no respect for him. And I don't believe that anything he could do could make me change my mind.....well, at least, I can't think of anything at the moment that he could do that would make me feel better about him...not even something like saving my life, because I would be worried that he would hold it over my head for something else later.

My realization this morning was that no matter how much I might be able to look forward to some of the fun Outreach events that are coming up....the last thing that I want to do is return to work on Tuesday morning. If I could survive on the two jobs (I'd be about $400 short a month) I would give my notice immediately.

The very thought of returning to work at the Center makes my stomach lurch.

I applied for four jobs this morning. I have one other on my list that I want to apply to but I need to have a version of my resume that is appropriate to an advising job. And seeing that I know that another job of that nature will be coming up soon in my friend's department, I really should have a version for this as well.

In the meantime, this lowly events coordinator (as the term Outreach Assistant is not an actual job title--another 'abnormality") is going to get some hours in for her other job. The one she likes....

Sometimes the Silver Linings in the Cloud Doesn't Make A Difference

Call it jinxing myself.
Call it wishful thinking.
Call it counting your chickens before they were hatched.

Whatever its name, it comes down to the fact that I didn't get the job. Which really shouldn't be that big of a deal, but I pinned my hopes on that little paper star called "a new job". It was my chance for an escape of a work situation that I emotionally cannot handle. It was my chance to help myself and my family. And it has fallen off the wall, landed in a puddle, and that little paper star has disintegrated away.

Bye, bye little star, I shouldn't have made you in the first place.

I don't blame the UMFA for not hiring me. They hired the best person for the job. I do blame myself for believing that the job was mine. I blame myself for figuring out what the pay raise would be and then counting on the money being there. I blame myself for preemptively planning on how I wanted to write a blog post detailing the first interview, and the second interview- knowing that the job was between me and one other person- and for having it all planned out that I would drop the good news in the last line of the post.

Cause now I left with the double edged sword of being sad that I didn't get the job and feeling stupid because I let my hopes get up.

Have you ever noticed that bad news never has good timing, but that good news always does? Poor little bad news messenger..... the only time people are ever really happy to see him is when that person is glad that someone has come to great harm.

And of course, today's news didn't come at a good time. I was so overloaded and emotional about the current state of work, that I didn't have time to process the news....and having to process bad news at therapy isn't very constructive. It just results in me crying so hard that I can't speak but snort. It also results in my therapist going on about how my emotional reaction might have more to do with my inability to handle uncertainty in my life and how it relates to my abusive relationship with Mr.3. It results in her going on and on about how I was hurt my Mr.3, the constant state of pain and burden that I was in, etc. etc. etc. And I couldn't stop crying/snorting long enough to make her stop. Because my emotions are not focused on the past with Mr.3, but on the fact that I am not sure how I am going to handle Wednesday.

It will only be a matter of time before she starts to equate this with why I am not dating. I know that I can not handle uncertainty. I need to know where I am at all times. The uncertainty in dating is too much.....although I also can just say that it is a hassle -so why bother. I can't deal with my own issues, why add others to the mix? And while it is a hassle, it also helps me NOT focus on my deep rooted fear that I am woefully inadequate and not worth being loved by someone who is not already someone I consider family.

I am tired of feeling like damaged goods, and I'm tired of feeling bullied, and I'm tired of feeling overworked. I'm so tired of it all that I lack the strength to fight back. And I know that it is what I need to do.

So boys and girls, what is the moral for today's story? I think that it should be "playing with paper stars can be fun, but beware of papercuts", but I am willing to take alternative suggestions.

What to Wear?

Alright folks....tomorrow morning, I have a job interview.

I read online somewhere that only 2% of job applicants actually get to the interview stage. And while I kept trying to tell myself that I wasn't nervous about it....I totally lied.

I've been in a constant state of anxiety since I put in the application. I was doing the stupid jaw clenching thing....then once I managed to get that to stop all the stress just transferred to my stomach. Which has left me in alot of pain and feeling like I have been continually hit in the stomach. This afternoon, I tried to do some breathing and I thought that I had everything under control, until I went to look in the mirror. I've totally broken out in a matter of two hours.....it almost looks like hives! So while I am typing, I've got a face mask on hoping that it will suck all of the impurities out of my face.

I think that I am nervous because I have so much riding on this. I just want out of the MEC and this seems like the first major chance that I have gotten. I understand the enormity of the job....it would be a major pay raise and quite the learning curve. I know my potential boss and he was the one who asked me to apply for the job. Everything is looking really positive for this job.....but I think that I keep expecting something to ruin it all.

And I have no idea of what to wear tomorrow! Do I go for slacks and a blouse? A dress? Do I even want to address the idea of heels? I did some superficial google searches on what to wear...colors and such. Alot of them tell you just to wear something that would fit in with the work place and the job.....but honestly, what do you wear for an interview for an accountant's position at an art museum? I think that red and white might be a good color combo but that still doesn't narrow down the possibilities. Ugh!

I'm gonna go wash off this face mask and tear apart my closet.
Wish me luck!

Backups of various types

Wow...can I just tell you how glad that I am that I blog? Work on the Mr.3 memoir is in full swing (being that I try to write every day on it) and I refer back to the blog--A LOT. It is a good backup to have.

Speaking of backups, when I got the new computer I also bought an new disk drive in the hopes of getting files off of the terminally ill laptop. So far so good. It has only done one major data dump crash once so far..... but as I am a little over an hour into a major file transfer I am expecting it to die at any moment. I keep getting up every couple of minutes to check on it. I think I have it in my head that if I am constantly paying attention to it that it won't crash.....totally silly (and a bit of a time waster actually). Fingers crossed that this process doesn't drive me totally nuts!

The iMac Version of Rear Window

I got me a new computer.

I like it alot.

It is pretty.

Pretty like a princess.

Finally getting a new computer is a huge deal for me. I've been putting it off for months cause the money I was saving for it always seemed to need to go to other things like taxes or car repairs.... you know, the frivolous stuff. I've been operating on a netbook since my other laptop contracted a fatal virus. Now the netbook is devoted solely to job 3, so if it dies, it is no big deal. This computer is for me to play on...which really means that I am using it to write. I am starting to make myself sit and write for at least a half hour each day.....most of it is...well awful. But I can't expect to have pure poetry come out of my fingertips everytime they touch a keyboard, this blog is a prime example of that.

Rather than getting another laptop, I opted to get a desktop, which I now have in a corner of the dining room by the bay windows. It is a minimalist setup on an old bedside table of my uncles'. And as it is currently surrounded my my mom's plants it looks fairly unobtrusive. The only problem, well it isn't really that much of a problem, is that with it being by the window I tend to get easily distracted by my neighbors in the tenement next door. Usually you don't have anyone to look at, but the newest batch of neighbors are....well sorta fun to watch.

There is the guy on the third floor, who from where I sit looks pretty cute. He could be a troll up close for all I know, but for now 'the mystery of the neighbor across the way' is enough for me. Hot Troll Neighbor plays on his computer a lot, but every once in a while he paces his apartment, drinking a beer, and periodically stops to do this head-banging robot dance.

The Loud Techno Girl lives on the basement/first level. Her music isn't nearly as annoying as it used to be before I finally succumbed to the heat and closed the windows to put the air conditioner on. She has this friend who would be striking alone for his size, but when you add the foot tall spiked mohawk that he sports on Friday evenings....it becomes fascinating. First of all, I can't figure out what he uses to get it to do that...but secondly, I can't help but wonder how often he hits his hair in doorways or if he gets a crick in his neck when in the car.

On the second floor, and directly eye level with my apartment, are the latin drag queens. Every night they dress up and prance around their apartment. Their balcony has been turned into an impromptu hair salon. Jimmy was looking at them and actually recognized them. Apparently there are two main factions of drag queens that perform at Club Sound and these girls belong to Nova (one of the drag queen bees).

Jimmy has joked that I should move the couch into the dining room, but at least now that I can be seen typing at the computer the neighbors won't totally think that I am watching them completely. It amazes me how voyeuristic I am. I don't think that they are watching me though....I'm pretty boring, unless you find it fascinating that I cleaned my house at 9pm on a Sunday night.

Removing Assistant From My Job Title

If anything could be learned by my turning 30, it is the following:
I desperately need to work in a more professional environment.

With the latest round of drama at work, I've been really struggling to find some concrete terms to voice my dissatisfaction....besides the fact that everything keeps making me cry. What I have come up with is that there is a lack of professionalism and respect. I understand that respect is one of those terms that really depends on other factors. So, here we go.....

-An environment where administration makes promises as to pay raises/job advancement and then does nothing is not a professional one.
-An administration who says that they value employee input, but blows off the employee completely when they notify them of a very serious problem in the workplace, is not a professional one.
-A work environment that is continually unprofessional cannot be one that inspires respect and teamwork.

I've been applying for jobs for a while now. When I have asked about the Outreach position being posted, I've been told that they will let me know but that it is easily a month away from being open. So I check for positions every few days and apply. In the meantime, I am being actively recruited for a position on campus in another department.....don't want to jinx it so no details until I get the position- or not....so on Monday I checked the University job postings to see if it was listed. And while I was there discovered that the Friday prior they posted the Outreach job.

I was furious because I was not even told that they were officially going to post the job.
I was furious because I had to be looking for another job in order to find out.
I was so furious that I stormed into the AA's office and asked if the Director had someone already in mind for the position.

She told me that she wasn't aware of anything. I don't trust anything that she says, but I needed to let her know that I was upset.

I applied for the position, but I will not get it. I would be surprised if I even got an interview. For one thing, our AA, in her ever-present lack of professionalism, told another employee here that I would NEVER get the Outreach job because they had different plans for me. This upsets me on many, many levels. One, I am being denied even the consideration of advancement into a position that I am more than qualified for. Two, how dare they even assume that they have the right to determine my career? I understand that I am a great assistant. I know that I have desirable skills....but I am also not a slave, and sure as hell, not their slave. The very idea that they would not even consider me for anything else because they can't bare to have me not picking up after them..... ugh. When you couple this with the recent blow-off by administration on an employee issue....well, I've completely checked out of here.

I'm making plans that I will not be here past the end of the month. Of course, that assumption is also that I would have another job to go to at the end of the month, but it is also helpful in piecing together what I would need to get done before I leave in order to feel good about it. I have loved my job at Outreach, and I feel connected and obligated to the community that I have served there. From this point until I leave, the work I do is for them and not the Center.

So....here's to the determination to remove the term "Assistant" from any job title that I have.

Taking the Bad in with the Good

I haven't heard anything from the student loan company that Mr. 3 fraudulently co-signed me on his loans on for a long time. The last communication was from Wachovia telling me that they were processing my claims.

But today....at my office at the MEC (and we know how I feel on collection calls to begin with, but at work- ugh)....I get a phone call from a collection agency.

Here's the thing though....they were only trying to collect on 1 of the 3 loans he signed me onto. The other 2 have been removed from my record. Removed! Oh, I hope that they guy I talked to was telling me correctly on those 2 loans. If this information is correct, then it is logical to deduce that they meant to remove all the loans and that this one just didn't make it though the whole process.

So I need to fax in yet another fraud claim packet to this company. I've had to fax in that police report to so many places you would think that I would have left a copy of that here in a file somewhere. But I haven't. With all of the personal information I have in my office, that police report is a special brand of shame. I'll make sure to send in the fax tomorrow.

I think that this is an overall good sign...or at least I am trying to delude myself into thinking that. In any case, I think that this also shows (cough cough...are you paying attention Jimmy?) that even though handling these fraud claims is a giant pain-in-the-ass, that it can be done.

Hey Mike! Your catalog arrived!

Hi Mike (aka Mr.3)! Your catalog arrived in the mail today....you know the one. The one that you can purchase equipment to make your own fake IDs with. Well it came. I know that you must have been waiting for it. You can pick it up anytime.

Putz.

Time?

If you asked me what time it was, I would probably pull my cell phone out of my bra and tell you.

If you asked my Dad what time it was he would tell you "the same time it was 24 hours ago".

If you asked an astrophysicist what time it is you would get a debate on the theory of relativity.

If you asked the wicked witch of the west she would tell you "time's up my pretty".

If you ask David Bowie he would tell you that time is waiting in the wings and that it speaks of senseless things. "His script is you and me boys"

So, what time is it?

Well at least I applied for something, right?

The whither to work or not debate continues in my head. Tentatively I have plans to quit on September 30th, unless something different happens.
I applied for a job that I was perfect for at the local children's museum. The posting was online Tuesday, worked on the resume all day Wednesday and happily sent it off yesterday (Thursday). I felt on top of the world about doing the resume, looking forward to an interview, a possible new job. I felt new energy at work in order to get major projects finished before I leave. I even speculated on how much money I would make.... Yeah, I know, I really built my hopes too high on it.

So this morning, I'm still excited and impatient just to get acknowledgment of my application. And on a whim, I check the organization website....and the posting is no longer there.

I'm totally crushed.

I went from feeling like the world is full of opportunities to feeling utterly trapped.

And I know, it is stupid. It was stupid to pin my hopes on some phantom job. It is stupid just to think that since the posting isn't up any longer that my resume will not be considered. And it is stupid to feel trapped when I am not. Trust me, my forehead keeps getting flatter for each time I smack myself. But I still feel that way. I mean, I haven't felt this depressed in a while.

And the last thing that I want right now is to be at work.
I want to be away somewhere where I don't have to think about this stuff anymore and that everything is taken care of for me.

To Quit or Not to Quit Job 1

I've been really unhappy at the MEC for a while now. I loved my job, I really did.....but the last time that I really felt any joy at work was just before our conference on the 16th when I was prepping puppets for my art project breakout session. It was the first time in a very long time that I was having fun at work.

I thought that part of my fornlorness had to do with my boss retiring. And to some degree it was.... but now that she has been out of the office for a couple of weeks, I know that wasn't entirely it. I dread going to work everyday. I hate the fact that I need to get approval on things that I am working on, and that I can't get anyone in the "adminsistration" to give me the time of day for that approval.

First of all, I have zero tolerance for BS in the workplace. I have my job to do, and I work to get it done. I expect others to get their work done, and not impede me in doing mine. I admit that I do indulge in the odd bit of office gossip.... but I shy away from participating or even creating office drama. And I have no respect for those who lie. The personification of BS in my office is our program manager. Instead of telling people that she doesn't know the answer to something, she says that it is either "illegal" or that "it cannot be done" as if it is written in stone. Normally when these situations happen, it is only a task that she can do. So you end up going back to your office and fume, or go back and start calling anyone you can think of so that you can find a way to get the task done. By the time you've figured out how to do the task, the program manager comes back pretending that she has just discovered some miracle cure to your problem. She thinks that this makes her look like a hero..... but when she has been doing it for almost everything you come to her for.... it backfires horribly. Sometimes, she doesn't even bother to look for the answer and you have to go back into her office with university policy. When it gets to this point she can't escape from having to do the task, but she will also do everything in her power to stop you from making her do it. For instance, she didn't like it pointed out to her that she needed to fill out a requisition form to pay the Homestead for our conference next year Even though we had approval to sign the contract by the interim director and the new incoming director...she had a fit and made the incoming director put a stop to it. The contract wasn't signed......it was months of work and a negotiated discount of over 4000 dollars, all down the drain- for the sake of her pride.

She's also on this major power trip.... or rather she is on this trip to make it look like she has all of this power and authority over the staff. While I was trying to meet with our new director on the Homestead contract, she refused to let me make an appointment with him. She acts as if his schedule is super secret and only her and the office assistant has clearance to know what he is up to. I can understand wanting to control access to him, it protects her....at the cost of alienating the rest of the staff that make her look good.

Compound this situation, with a director who insists that you email him with requests.....that he never fricking answers. When he does answer your email it is just to tell you to do something- that he would realize was already done if he had actually read the email to begin with, or that you did something wrong that is unrelated to the email subject. I feel like I am being treated horribly.... that's not a complaint I can voice to them however. I guess that I can say that administration has laid the weight of three positions on me without extra compensation. Administration has promised support but denies it in reality. Administration has made promises as to a pay raise and increase in job status, and has fallen through. Administration has made me feel marginalized, overworked, belittled, and worthless.

I can hear Esther in the back of my head telling me to calm down and be patient.

I have been dealing with an unstable work environment for over a year now. I've put up with it because I was working towards the goal of being Outreach Director.. something that I have talent at and something that I want to make my career. But is it really worth going through all of this? I am not even sure if there is going to even be another Outreach Director... and no one will even answer my questions about it.

I kept getting to work earlier and earlier each morning. The goal of this is so that I can work and not deal with people, and that I get to leave the office earlier in the day. I'm getting in so early, that my 6 hours are up by lunchtime. I also just sit and bitch about work to anyone that will listen. It has hit a crescendo this week. Monday I started looking for job openings, and this morning I wanted to quit after reading an email from the new director. I'll never really wanted to quit a job before.....never wanted to give notice and walk out the door. Libby suggested today that I do just that. At first I just said that no, it wouldn't work....until I started to run the numbers. I normally don't count on GV money, just treat it like a happy surprise check in the mail..... but if I start counting on that money, and up my hours at job 3 from 30 hours a week to 40 hours. I could quit the MEC--- still keep my apartment, cable, therapy appointments, and piano lessons. So I have some options, which is quite empowering:

Option1: Give notice at the MEC immediately and have my 30th birthday (july 30th) be my last day at work. I can apply for other jobs if I like (and there is one at the children's museum that I am going to apply for anyway) but if I don't get extra employment along the way, I'm fine. Still could afford Christmas, but I might take a temporary Christmas retail job in order to pad up my non-existent savings.

Option 2: Give notice at the MEC and have the last day in September be my final day. Still all of the perks of option 1 except I can purchase a new computer for myself. That way, the netbook can be used for Job 3 and I could use the other computer to work on without the fear of it getting some horrible virus and dying. This would actually allow me to set things aside so that I could write, or work more on GV, or a myriad of other things that I have always wanted to do. I guess the perk of having three jobs and being used to working 70 hours a week is that when you arrange to have your schedule go down to 40 hours you have a ton of more free time.

Option 3: Get another job, and quit whenever.

Option 4: Stay at the MEC, but only under certain conditions. This is the one that I really need to think about. I am not sure if I want to stay at all anymore....even if I did get everything that I wanted. Even if I got the title and responsibility that I wanted, the pay that I deserve, etc. I would still have to deal with the administration and their absolute determination to make things 8 million times more difficult than it needs to be. Do I really want that stress?

So it comes down to, really, what do I want to do with my life? Is the fight to the position I want really worth it in the long run? Is that position what I want or need in my life right now anyway?

Option 2 is in the forefront, option 1 is being held in reserve for that instance where I totally lose it and quit. I need something to change, and soon. Heck, I am so dissatisfied that loosing my health benefits pale in comparison to continue dealing with this stress. I don't care anymore that a major component of the Center is in my hands....because even if that reality is true, the new administration live in their own little world, oblivious. They remind me that I am worthless to this program anyway, I might as well relieve them of their burden. I can be replaced and I am not responsible for the health and longevity of the MEC.

What do you think I should do?

MY CAR PASSED INSPECTION!!!

And in celebration, here are the lyrics to the song that I've had in my head for a week.... between this one and the umbrella mending song, I sense some new ringtones in my future.

What are we going to do with Uncle Arthur?
A blinking stallion, is Uncle Arthur.
When he goes a-strolling in the park,
Watch your step, girls, especially after dark.
Any old skirt's a flirt to Uncle Arthur,
He's over eighty, but how he can run!
'Give us a kiss, my dear,' he'd say,
And tickle you up the boom-di-ay,
And say it was just an 'armless bit of fun.

What are we going to do with Uncle Arthur?
Have him doctored like a tom-cat?
You'd have thought by now he'd has his fill,
But my aunt can't bloody well keep him still,
Saturday night'll find him at the boozer,
A couple of pints there, then off he will pop,
Straighten his hat and up the street,
As light as a feather on his feet,
A dirty old man who don't know when to stop.

What are we going to do with Uncle Arthur?
A public nuisance, is Uncle Arthur.
Though he's bald, deaf, dirty and decayed,
He's the uncrowned king of the esplanade.
Nothing on Earth can seem to damp his ardour,
He's trying harder, the older he grows.
One of these days he'll have to die,
What will he get up to in the sky?
Well Heaven and Uncle Arthur only,
You can be sure he won't be lonely,
Heaven and Uncle Arthur only knows.

Derby, Pride, and an Injured Turtle

Wow, busy weekend. Saturday Jimmy went with me to the roller derby double header game, and for once I remembered to bring my camera with me. Got a fantastic picture of Steph and of Jimmy's GIGANTIC nostrils!

It was also the Pride Festival this weekend and I went out to support Jimmy as he walked in the Pride parade. It was pouring rain, but that didn't stop the festivities. I have a bunch of photos on my Flickr account, but this one of the rain was my favorite. I offered my umbrella on several occasions to some poor freezing wet gay men who were trying to find their friends.


I was totally dead after Pride today....totally wiped. The walking that I did today wasn't too bad, but you add in the rain and it adds up to some aches and pains. When I got home I started to work Job 3. Zippy was sorta anxious today and kept trying to get out so I let him and Scooter run around the house. Zippy's under carapiece has always been bad. The previous owner didn't take good care of him and kept him in too wet of conditions. The result of this is that the shell has been lost and there is bare bone on the bottom. Like your skin, the under carapiece has several layers, so the top layer is gone (and unable to grow back) and in some spots he has lost secondary layers. There are several pieces of the secondary level that are threathening to come off. As Zippy was walking around today he kept getting caught on the carpet. I am not sure if this hurts him, but it sounds like it does.... and today I decided that I had to do something for him. So I covered the bottom shell with gauze and strapped him up with medical tape.


I know that he looks silly (and kinda sad) but it seems to be helping. Zippy didn't fuss around too much when I was trying to strap him up and he seemed embarassed for a little while....until he started to walk around and discovered that he didn't get caught on stuff anymore. Since then he has been happily running around the house like he was 10 years younger. I think that I am going to have to make this a permanent dressing for him. I might get some of that athletic tape. It will be less sticky and bulky than the current gauze and medical tape situation.

And now, it is time for bed....but I have to find the turtles first. Zippy was happily asleep under the houseplants last I saw.....but I haven't seen Scooter for a while. I suspect that he's made it to my bedroom and is hiding under the bed.

New Car?

So I had this moment where I had myself convinced that I would buy a new car, but I think that I'm over it now.

I love my little car, and it runs decently..... although I worry that it won't pass inspection this month. It probably will though. Here's the thing... the little cosmetic things that have broken down on it are really starting to get to me. For instance, the driver's side window has been broken for 2 years now. I really miss the window when it is hot. And of course there is something weird thing going on with the fans in my car and only the high and highest settings work. Which is manageable, except my car threatens to stall out if it is warm and I have the air conditioner on for too long at a high level. I could handle not using the air conditioner.... but no air conditioning and only one window that will roll down and it isn't the one nearest to you? Its unbearable! So I either pass out from the heat, or have my car pass out from the air conditioning.

Then there is the issue of the locks. I have automatic locks, which are lovely. But the lock button on the drivers side hasn't worked for over a year now.... and it was manageable by just manually locking it or using the keyless entry. But the batteries in the keyless entry don't want to work now----plus my brother took the batteries out and hasn't brought me new ones and I have no idea what to get. Using the key works, but the lock seems to be getting harder and harder to turn--and I haven't been able to use the key to unlock the trunk in ages!

And the stereo.... I haven't been able to listen to CDs in the car since I worked at the Bookstore, so somewhere in 2003 it stopped working. I make due with the radio or occasionally listen to my iPod with my headphones....but (whine, whine, foot stomp) I miss blaring the radio with the windows down on a road trip.

Ahh.... to take a road trip! My car could probably take a road trip....but it does have over 137,000 miles on it. A road trip with the current cosmetic issues in the car....no way, not happening, not no how.

Can I afford a new car? Probably. My health insurance is supposed to pick up my therapy sessions in July so that will save me $200 a month right there, and of course if I get that planned raise then I will definitely be able to include a couple hundred more to the list of what I can afford.

Should I bother with adding to my current monthly bills? That's the real question. I already pay $600 a month in student loan payments, and I would like to increase what I pay on them.... and I would like to pay off my loans in 5 years, but that won't happen if I get a new car. So I am trying to tell myself that it would be better just to deal with the issues that my current car has. The estimate to fix the window was some ridiculous figure of $500, the stereo something like $300, and easily another $300 for whatever is wrong with the fan.

Oh well..... it will take a while to save up for that too... Here's to hoping for finding a cheaper and reliable mechanic.

Perhaps the Saddest Site I Have Ever Seen

I see alot of websites in the course of working Job 3. According to a recent job review, I rated over 68,000 websites last year.....and I'm figuring that probably over 7,000 were porn of some sort.

Out of all of those, there have been several memorable ones...and I've blogged about them here. But this site, might be the saddest site that I have ever seen. It is a site started to raise money for this little boy who was paralyzed after a car accident. This is part of the last update:

It is with great sadness we have to share the terrible news about Neil, Kazumi and Sam. Sam died from meningitis on Friday and it seems that Neil and Kazumi took their own lives shortly after that.

We are all very shocked at this terrible news and thinking of everyone who cared for Sam or were close to Neil and Kazumi who are dealing with this tragic situation.

We are all better for knowing them and Sam could not have wished for better parents.

Truly heartbreaking.

Bittersweet Insomnia

I've been averaging at least one night a week of insomnia over the past few months, and the most frustrating thing about insomnia is that all of a sudden you have all of the time that you need in order to get what you need done.....but you have no motivation whatsoever to do a damn thing.
For example, this morning I was up a little bit before 4am and decided to read in the hopes that it would tire me out enough to sleep.
Finished my book and wasn't tired.
What to do, what to do?
I could do dishes....they are threatening to to take over the kitchen.... nah, I can do them later.
Practice the piano? I think that my neighbor would be angry at the piano at 5 in the morning.
Work on the millions of other volunteer projects that I need to get done? Well....I tried, but got bored after about five minutes.
I ended up taking a shower and slowly walking to work. I didn't walk the whole way, just until the bus came on the street...I just walked from stop to stop to stop. At least it was a wonderful morning....let's just hope that it stays that way.

Zombie Graduate and the New Adult Sofa

Hello from my the comfort of my brand new sofa!
Graduation is over.... and boy am I glad. The family was all there (Thank you Mom, Dad, Jimmy, and Libby!) and we had a nice low-key celebration. Went to just convocation, a late lunch at Su Casa, and then we went to an art show where Jimmy and his boyfriend were photography subjects. My graduation proofs arrived in the mail the same day that my diploma came. While the photo shows off my totally fabulous hairdo, it also makes me look zombie like--- or like someone how hasn't slept properly in a very long time.
I could write about what this graduation means to me....but I think that I'll spare all the hokiness for the moment. Let's just say that finishing helps me put away alot of the emotional baggage that I acquired during this process. I have all but three thank you cards already sent out: Aunt Linnie, Libby, and my parents remain...I guess you can say that I saved the hardest cards to write until last. I really wanted presents....and surprisingly I got lots of presents. I am not used to getting what I want...and having selfish wants and getting them met is really really strange. The best present by far was the gift that my parents gave me.... a new sofa. Buying a new one has been something that I've been planning on for a while, but it has easily been put on the back burner many times.
This is the completely and totally awesome picture of my new sofa. Up close it looks like a carpet bag, it also looks gorgeous with my hardwood floors. Little bit by little bit all of the hand me down furnature is being replaced by legitimate (and more adult) pieces of furnature. Jimmy inherited my old sofa. The primary condition of this was that he had to find a way to get it upstairs to his apartment by the time the new one arrived. Of course, he didn't manage to get it up to his apartment until almost two days AFTER the new one arrived. He tried to get me to help him, and I refused. He kept saying that it would be no trouble....but even with the help of his friend Jamelle, it still looks like he was having some difficulty, don't you think?
The stairwell is horrible, and even though I was giggling and taking pictures, I had to help a bit as they navigated its twists and turns.


But I think that it was all worth it..... he seems very happy with being able to fall asleep on the sofa again.

Piano!

Since my parents moved from Price I've had the family piano in the front room of my apartment. It is an absolutely beautiful piece of furniture that pretty much just collects dust because I can't play the thing worth as damn.

But.....

I finally got my act together and called a teacher. I hope to begin lessons on May 11th (after payday--how sad is that, that I have to wait for a payday for a $20 piano lesson).

Here's to learning how to play piano with two hands at the same time! Whoo! Only took me like 17 years to get back to taking lessons....may I have more patience this time with it.

Waxing Philosophical on the Subject of Soulmates

Here's another philosophical post for you to groan over. Ever since I've finished my comps that "fog" (I mentioned earlier) is continuing to lift and lift and lift and even though the fog should have stopped it seems to keep lifting. I guess that I am lifting through many levels of clarity at the moment. Which makes since....the whole Masters thing was tainted with the whole Mr.3 thing and in completing one I had to deal with certain parts of the other.

When I had that palm reading thing-a-majig in December, the lady doing the reading had mentioned that people had many soulmates that they came across in their lives. Now, it is truth acknowledged between my best friend Libby and I that we are soulmates. At one point, I felt the same way about Mr.3 and after he hurt me so badly I changed my thinking on this......until I read the following definition of soulmate in the book "Eat, Pray, Love":

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. ........ [Mr.3]'s purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart you ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it's over."

If you go by that definition of soul mate, Mr.3 was one of the ones that I have met in my life..... the same still stands for Libby. In any case, it is just another example of why it isn't crazy at all that I don't regret the whole Mr.3 saga happening.

"I've Been Told That I'm Emotionally Needy, Do You Want to Go Out With Me?"

I'm copyrighting that and I am going to turn it into a t-shirt.

A few weeks ago I went to a conflict management training and we had to do this exercise where we train ourselves to not be triggered emotionally by being called names. You had to think of the three people who drive you most nuts in the world and write down all the adjectives that describe them. Then with a partner you have them call you that name. Once you're called the name you have to say "sometimes I can be ______, but right now I need to move beyond that so I can handle the issue at hand."

I did this with my co-worker Shari. I called her "dishonest" and all the color drained from her face and then she looked like she had eaten something really tart...then it was my turn.
"Debbie, you are always playing the victim".

My jaw dropped and I resembled something that looks like a fish out of water.

The first inclination is that you want to ask why, then you want to refute the comment and then you just want to win the conversation by proving somehow that you are something completely other than what you were just called. And this is how arguments and conflicts happen and all progress just stops.

We've turned this exercise into an office game....throwing around accusations such as "controlling", "dishonest", and the latest and greatest "emotionally needy". Where did that one come from? .....ah...our favorite ex-husband, Mr.3. There hasn't been an update on Mr.3 for a while and that has been by design. In January, we almost caught him. 10 hours behind sort of deal....and there is another woman to add to the "ex-Mr.3 sorority". She's wonderful and amazing.....and even though Mr.3 is a horrible man he has managed to find some pretty damn cool ladies. I'm not sure if I am going to go into this new chapter on the blog just yet.... but I would like to announce that I've started writing the book. The other day however Mr.3 sent her a painful heartfelt email that is filled with empty promises and also trashes every other woman he has been with. I haven't seen the full email but I've been given the cliff notes in which I'm accused of being emotionally needy and basking in the glow of Mr.3's accomplishments at the MEC.

I admit that I had the' fish on dry-land moment', then I wanted to find all the email proof from him that refuted what he said, and then..... I stopped.

I stopped completely.....
and I began to laugh.

Cause it is just like the conflict management class.....he aimed every word to hurt me, to drag me down into a pit of despair, to question myself, to completely throw me off track.

Its failed... and I'm gonna make the t-shirt to prove it.

No More New Face of Sexy

Why? You may ask.

Cause the damn thing is made of fricking latex!

This is not on the packaging or instructions anywhere.

Yesterday I just thought that my teeth were hurting because I was eating a bunch of sugary candy and I haven't had much candy in a while. But last night, as I had the guard on (which I was starting to like) it kept sticking strangely to my gums and my month was producing a HUGE amount of saliva.....and then the burning set in and I removed it. My suspicions have been confirmed this morning as my mouth is dry and sore only where the guard came into direct contact with my mouth.

What to do? Not sure really. Now in times past when latex has come into contacts with the girlie parts there wasn't much I could do except try to heal naturally. But I think that I am going to try some salt water rinses and hope that my mouth will heal faster than the parts down below that couldn't exactly have anything put on them.

I'm really annoyed that the box is not marked at all that it contains latex. I am going to call the company this afternoon and complain.

Review of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

What happens when someone combines violent zombie mayhem with Jane Austen? It becomes something that I spend money on and buy!

There is alot of Jane Austen fan fiction out there, something that I found out on a date in January where we slowly walked through the shelves of the local Barnes and Nobles: lots of books continuing the various stories (I've only read one book of that sort) and there is a whole Jane Austen detective series.

Back to Pride and Prejudice and Zombies..... basically it is a retelling of the story (word for word in the majority of cases) with some Zombie action thrown in. Although there are some plot tweaks and changes. One of them being the relationship between Charlotte Lucas and Mr. Collins. While they still marry, you no longer have to pity Ms. Lucas for her choice in husband as she gets bitten by a zombie and eventually she becomes one. Mr. Collins is so heartbroken that he commits suicide. Lydia still runs away with Mr. Wickham, but in the final settlement where they are forced to marry, a condition is that Mr. Darcy gets to beat him senseless and lame in the name of honor. Wickham is so crippled that he continually soils himself, and selfish Lydia has to constantly change the diapers of her "brave" husband. And of course, in the final confrontation between Lady Catherine and Elizabeth over the rumors of Mr. Darcy proposing to her....there is a physical fight. Lady Catherine is very well respected for her fighting skills (she has a guard of personal ninjas you know) and it was because Elizabeth didn't behead Lady Catherine and let her live that Mr. Darcy renewed his affections.

The book was silly to be sure. The blending of Asian martial arts and 1800 England was...well...interesting. It was worth the read for the novelty alone; and the reading guide and artwork with the inaccurate period costumes, highly amusing. Out of all of Jane Austen's novels, I think that this would be definitely the only one that could be adapted to include a zombie menace.....possibly Emma.... but Pride and Prejudice is the only one with characters that lend themselves to really pride themselves on their social standing AND fighting skills. Also, Pride and Prejudice is probably the most recognizable storyline of Jane Austen. I don't think that it is her best book, but it is a good introduction to her writings. Everyone who is a hopeless romantic can appreciate the love/hate and then love relationship between Elizabeth and Darcy. I'm sure that all of us wish that we had her ready wit....cause she never seems to falter in an agruement. She isn't very deep though, then again, her character is only 20 years old...and how deep are we at that age anyway? I perfer Persuasion with its heroine, Anne Elliot. She's a klutz and make mistakes....and develops maturity with time. She's leaned on by so many people, and often unrecognized for what she does. She's older, 29, and has much more depth to her character. I recognize more of myself in her than in Elizabeth Bennett. So while Darcy would be nice, give me Captain Wentworth anyday.

The New Face of Sexy

So I finally caved in (after waking myself up in pain last night from grinding my teeth) and bought a night time mouth guard. Apparently if I sleep with my mouth closed I clench my teeth and jaws....which causes me much pain and muscle spasming. Now if I don't sleep with my mouth closed I don't clench....but then I just drool all over myself. And honestly....who likes to wake up with dried drool all over their face?

The goal is to sleep with my mouth closed and not have my current level of face pain. Hopefully I can teach myself to stop doing this....but until then, this is the new face of "thexy" (sexy with a lisp).

I have a feeling that this is definitely going to increase my dating prospects.

The Pity Pass

No one knows better then me that I haven't been the best graduate student....I've joked about it plenty of times. I know that my passing of my comps was due more to politics than performance. It already feels pretty hollow. And since I know this, I really don't want to be reminded about it. So the thanks-for-nuttin' award goes to my chair who sent me the following email today:

I am writing this email as Chair of your supervisory committee. This email is to let you know that you have passed the take home portion of your exam. Congratulations!

After considerable discussion and debate, your committee has agreed to also pass you on your lab exam; however, they have asked that I let you know that this was an exceptionally poor exam, and they are very disappointed in your performance.

Translation: Congratulations you have a masters degree, but you still suck.

Crack and Peel- Comps Saga Part 4

So I originally had this absolutely brilliant metaphor planned about how my emotional state was akin to a crack and peel mailing label....but I lost interest writing it halfway through. Let's just say that the month of March was awful....taking me on this emotional rollercoaster that I never ever ever ever ever wish to go on again.

In order to explain my craziness, I am going to lay it all out for you in cool, calm logic:

Weeks in order to complete the take home portion of comprehensive exam: 2
Days left in the exam period before I completely and totally freaked out: 4
Panic attacks on exam due date: 1
Crying fit on exam due date: 2
Days inbetween exam due date and oral defense of take-home: 3
Length of time that my oral defense was scheduled for: 30 minutes
Hours spent freaking out before oral defense: 3
Pre-oral defense panic attacks: 1
Times tearing up in the oral defense: 1
Hours spent after the oral exam crying and hyperventilating: 2
Hours spent studying for the lab exam: 4
Even though I memorized the formula for standard deviation, how many times was it in the lab exam: 0
Time spent of four hour exam period trying to figure out how to get the exam printing because the faculty neglected to let us know that we needed our student ID and money on our student ID in order to print: 30 minutes

Oral comps passed: 1
Lab comps passed: information still pending
Amount of money that I had to spend today on my cap and gown for graduation even though I am still not sure that I am going to graduate: $50

It feels really good to be finished with the exams. Apparently I have been walking around in a heavy fog for a couple of weeks...so I apologize to family and friends that I may have babbled at instead of having a legitimate conversation. I have no excuse.

I also have no excuse for the lack of housecleaning the past three weeks! I shall get that tackled today....although I suspect that I am the only one who notices the dust. But oh....to do chores and errands, and go out and see people and even to read a book without guilt that I should be studying instead...that, my friends, is completely priceless.

A Rather Strange Day....

Why? Well for one, I went to the ENT today about my ear pain. I've been having this pain for a while and I was worried that it was effecting my hearing. My hearing is fine, in fact it is very very good. The ear pain is due to my clenching of my jaw.... I'm apparently given myself arthritis in my jaw, albeit temporary. The muscles that are spasming because of the teeth clenching stem up into the ear....causing the pain. It is also the cause of my perception of hearing loss in my left ear as the muscle that is effected is pulling the eardrum down a bit. The doctor was very helpful and answered all of my odd questions. Health tip......don't use q-tips to clean your ears. Apparently your ears have a natural self-cleaning system and using q-tips is the equilivent of wiping away your ear's natural immune system. So I am going to try to stop myself from using q-tips....especially because the doctor says that once I do that I'll be able to swim and not worry about ear pain. Of course.....I think that I am getting sorta annoyed that yet another doctor has told me that I need to de-stress....alright guys! I get the point!

The next strange thing that happened today is that I sorta got a promotion at the Center. One of our professors got a huge grant for a Turkish studies project, I know that he had been trying to get me as his assistant, and this morning I got an email from our soon-to-be new director appointing me as project assistant. This will move me to full time (I'm currently only 30 hours a week) and I am still to be in Outreach. Of course the salary increase won't happen until July and there are alot of details that will need to be worked out. I still have to work on part of the project now though.....but it is kinda flattering that I got this promotion. It will make the future of me in Outreach extra interesting.

And the final bit of strangeness....although it really isn't that strange, is that I am still working on my comps. In my appointment with Esther yesterday we talked about why I was freaking and alot of it has to do with my feelings of the exam being a bunch of busy work and that I'm not as empassioned about the subject as I used to be. I worked on them this afternoon in my office at work and made a huge amount of progress and when I am done with this post, I am going to work more on them. I've made a large pot of coffee and I am in a surprisingly good mood. Now I just need to take some anti-inflammatories for the spasming jaw and resulting ear pain and I'm golden!

Comps Saga- Part 3

Well its happened..... I had the freak out. The crying, shaking, completely and totally irrational kind of freak out.

I actually had a panic attack over comps during work. I haven't finished them, and I haven't written enough, but I also have time. They aren't due until Thursday at 5pm.....I have time....and I have to keep reminding myself that.

You would think that I would understand how I work best....and I wonder if it is really true that I work best late at night and under an impending deadline. Today, I was focusing on writing my comps from 12:30 pm onwards and I have very very little to show for it. It is like my brain melted and I must have stared at the screen for hours. Luckily Libby came over for a while to help me calm down. I also took a long hot bath and drank a very large glass of wine. The result is that I am much more calm, but still as mushy brained. I'm considering just turning in at 9:30 tonight, in the hopes that tomorrow I will feel better and will be able to think.

Here's hoping....

Comps Saga- Part 2

The official comprehensive exam study/write soundtrack has been chosen!

I decided that I needed something comfortable and familiar, and also something that I have no memories of Mr.3 with. And so I went with something that also had meaning for me.....the Moody Blues, my Dad's favorite band. So yeah...that's the latest update really..... work on my CBI questions went really well last night. Tonight I work on L2 Methodology questions.

Comps Saga- Sure to be Part 1 of Many

Tick, tock, tick, tock....the time is winding down to me finally finishing my masters degree. Last Friday I was sent the questions for the take-home part of my comprehensive exams. Three classes are being test via the take home (due Thursday the 26th), and three classes are being tested via a lab exam (March 31). There is supposed to be an oral defense of the exams, but I don't know when that is, sometime between turning the exams in and April 4th.

Of course finishing will be a relief, but I'm being hit with a HUGE load of emotional crap. And it isn't anxiety about the tests....actually I am pleasantly surprised with the fun challenge that the comps questions are presenting.....the problem is in reviewing the course work....because rather than paying attention in class and being a good student when I was in these classes two years ago, I was writing jail letters to my deadbeat ex-husband during the class or was freaking out over one lie or another that he had told me and was failing mid-terms.

Sunday night I couldn't put it off anymore and had to go searching for the last of my class notes. In the back corner of the nephi room are banker boxes filled with classnotes from me and Mr.3. About 1/5 of all the stuff I went through was mine....and I was torn between just throwing out everything that has his writing on it, or going through it all in detail to find all evidence of wrong-doing to hand over to the feds. There was so much waste...half used notebooks...mounds of printed papers. I still haven't purchased a new printer.....Mr.3 took the last two I bought with him and pawned them along the way. He was always printing things that he never needed...honestly, I know that he was studying terrorism, but is it nessacary to print out an Al-Qaida training manual translated into English? I don't think so. I also can't find a book that I need to study for the lab portion of my comps with....I'm pretty sure that Mr.3 sold it back at a textbook sale, which really annoys me.

Going through the boxes was hard and I guess that he was on my mind while I slept, as on Monday morning the house phone started to ring at 7:15am. I was wokened out of a dead sleep and ran to the phone expecting to hear his voice on the other end. Which freaked me out a bit. I do not want to hear his voice, but I spent so much of my life in the past 2-3 years waiting and hoping for him to call...that I guess in a time where sad rememberances are popping up all over the place that strange sub-conscious things would crop up too.

In any case, I just need to survive and do well this month and then I will be able to put alot of this behind me. Once I get word that I have passed my comps....and I WILL pass them...I am going to go through the storage boxes and throw out ALL of the school stuff I have, mine and Mr.3's.

I will get through this.

And now back to working on my comps question from my CBI class.

Quinoa Porridge...Makes Me Rub My Belly

What has Debbie been up to lately, you ask?

Eating.

No, seriously.....I've been eating.

Been trying a new thing where I try a new food each week and at least one new recipe. Three weeks ago I tried Quinoa (pronouced "keen- waa") which is a grain. It's awesome when you cook it because as it is a seed it sprouts a little in the heat. And while I dislike the texture of oatmeal, I completely love quinoa porridge. I also tried to make vegatable sushi....which is alot harder than it sounds....I couldn't get the rolling right and then my knife wasn't sharp enough so it would sort of explode out when I cut it. I had a few that were rolled ok, but there was quite alot of sushi bits that looked like I crossed a finger-paint-happy-kindergardener with a sushi chef.

Week two of my experiment was acorn squash......tasty and pretty but a little on the sweet side.

Last week's new food was spaghetti squash. The receipe was awesome! I highly recommend it

Not sure what I am going to do for this week, it could be an artichoke....or something......I'm not sure if I am ready to try something like a parsnip or a turnip.......yet.

Banana Chips and More Broken Teeth

I can't win for losing lately.
Last week I made banana chips in my dehydrator. Today I was eating some, and since they are hard I was chewing on the other side of my mouth from where the temporary crown was put in. And guess what?
Yep.....I chipped another tooth.
It is just a corner of a molar on the bottom right side, and it is a molar that has a filling already in it. No pain, just a little scratchy on the side of my tongue. But its annoying, as it seems that all of my teeth are falling apart at the same time. There is a reason for this....fillings get old and need to be replaced...and all of my fillings were done at the same time about 15 years ago. Note to self- make sure that when I have kids that they get that 2 checkups a year at the dentist.
My body seems to be on a kick lately to ensure that I can eat no food. For the past couple of months I have developed a bile abnormality with my medications....I couldn't keep any sort of food in me and was running to the bathroom constantly. Talked to my doctor and she removed me from the medication and my system has returned to normal. Of course the next day after this happened was my dentist appointment. So now that I can eat....my teeth are deciding that they aren't going to let me.
So the game plan is this:
1. Get some fluoride mouthwash and some toothpaste that helps harden enamel.
2. Get more calcium and magnesium in my diet.
3. Resist the urge to liquidfy every bit of food I eat.....because while I know that only eating things that can be consumed through a straw will definitely not break any more of my teeth....I'm still a few decades short for the need of a geriatric diet.

And my new crown will be named after....

I clench my teeth when I am stressed. I know that I do it, but I just can't stop myself. In times of long periods of stress I have had some teeth that have suffered for it. When Jimmy was younger, he had some problems and was hospitalized for some time. I clenched my teeth for that period, and after that stressful situation was over, I had a tooth collapse. A crown was put on. This crown was named after my brother. In a way it is a battle scar and naming it is a position of honor....a mark that I have survived something difficult.

In the tooth next to the crown, I have had a crack in it for a couple of years now. Around Christmas time (during a period of renewed stress in the Mr.3 saga that I haven't written about yet) there was alot of pressure in the tooth....which would increase because I was clenching again. About three weeks ago the tooth broke.....and the release of pressure...it was heavenly. The past week however it became clear that the nerve was exposed and I finally went into the dentist today to get it fixed.

First of all, I really don't like going to the dentist.....but I have an excellent dentist that I've been going to for 15+ years. Unfortunately, he retired (I will miss hearing his stomach gurgle while he was working on my teeth.... sniff sniff sigh) and a new dentist is in his place. This was my first time with this new dentist....and can I just say, that dentists should not be that good looking ever. He was so beautiful that it was kinda painful to look at him. I am jumpy at the dentist normally and this was intensified by the fact that even after 3 Novocain shots that the nerve in my tooth was still hurting. So the dentist is drilling and I've got my eyes closed and fists clenched with the pain. Then I would open my eyes and be lost for a moment in his beautiful blue ones....then the nerve would get touched somehow and I would be pain. But he was excellent dentist and did a good job. Of course, he was very through and I was in the chair for close to two hours.....yes....I was the patient that made all of his other patients have to wait. The good thing is that he was able to clean the tooth, I DID NOT need a root canal (hooray!) and I have been fitted with a temporary crown. In two weeks, the new crown will be fitted.


So Mr.3.....this crown's for you.

The Nigerian Dating Scam

So online dating can have its hazards, and today I think that I just got the internet dating equivalent of the Nigerian Princess scam.

First of all....the picture looks like something that comes as the default picture in store bought picture frames.

Second, the man is 59 and is looking for women from 35-90. That is a rather large age range.

Third, his weird email, which I will post. He talks about distance, but says that he is in Salt Lake City......and for what he says his job is and who he works for....he has awful diction.

So without much further ado...read on and giggle!

Hello Beautiful One!

Your beauty certainly have gotten me so hypnotized and i could'nt look further!How do you do? I came across your profile on this dating site and could not think of something else than sending you an e-mail. You have got cute looks, probably that got me attracted to you. Well, i am into sales of art works such as painting and sculpture and i also deal on gold and bronze and also more of an Atlantic traveller. My work takes me back and forth to other parts of the world and Great Britain.

I think we share similar interests even though the distance. However, things might be an initial turn off to you, but we can still make things happen by believing in ourselves! Please do oblige to write me back as we can set up a conversation sometimes. My e-mail addresses outside this facility are XXXXXX.

However, If you use a Yahoo messenger, or msn instant messenger, you can as well add me to your list and if you dont have one, please try and set up an account so we could talk better on chart as i believe that would be a nice platform to get acquainted!

waiting to hear from you. please write to my personal email address as i do not use this site always.

The heart that cares,

Great email isn't it? What he forgot to add was...."oh, by the way can I have all of your credit card information as I have just been stranded in Timbuktu under some crazy circumstances and because I really feel like I connected with you via your dating profile, I feel comfortable enough to turn to you in my time of need."

Yeah......I've been already taken by one con man in my lifetime. Learned my lesson on that one.
I've learned my lesson on alot of other things.....so to you, oh cute-other-guy-that-I-was-supposed-to-go-out-with-last-Thursday: I understand that sometimes it is hard to find a baby sitter, but no, I will not sneak myself into your house after your little girl has gone to sleep. And even though I have told you that I want to meet you in a public place, your driveway does not qualify as such a public place. And no, I will not come over and give you a massage.

And then there was one....

....one lone little toothbrush in the toothbrush caddy that I was too lazy to take a photo of for the blog. Why is there only one? Because my little brother has moved out and up in the world...literally... to the apartment upstairs.
So he really isn't that far away and I now have my apartment all to myself. I've lived here alone before in-between times of Mr.3 skipping town....but at that time the house was kept in a manner where things were preserved as he would like them.....no longer! Now all decorating decisions are officially mine! Muuahaahaahaahaa!
And the dishes that are dirtied are all mine!
And the messes in the house are all mine!
And any strange smells in the house are all mine!
Hooray! For going to the bathroom with the door open all the time!!!! Whoopie!!