The iMac Version of Rear Window

I got me a new computer.

I like it alot.

It is pretty.

Pretty like a princess.

Finally getting a new computer is a huge deal for me. I've been putting it off for months cause the money I was saving for it always seemed to need to go to other things like taxes or car repairs.... you know, the frivolous stuff. I've been operating on a netbook since my other laptop contracted a fatal virus. Now the netbook is devoted solely to job 3, so if it dies, it is no big deal. This computer is for me to play on...which really means that I am using it to write. I am starting to make myself sit and write for at least a half hour each day.....most of it is...well awful. But I can't expect to have pure poetry come out of my fingertips everytime they touch a keyboard, this blog is a prime example of that.

Rather than getting another laptop, I opted to get a desktop, which I now have in a corner of the dining room by the bay windows. It is a minimalist setup on an old bedside table of my uncles'. And as it is currently surrounded my my mom's plants it looks fairly unobtrusive. The only problem, well it isn't really that much of a problem, is that with it being by the window I tend to get easily distracted by my neighbors in the tenement next door. Usually you don't have anyone to look at, but the newest batch of neighbors are....well sorta fun to watch.

There is the guy on the third floor, who from where I sit looks pretty cute. He could be a troll up close for all I know, but for now 'the mystery of the neighbor across the way' is enough for me. Hot Troll Neighbor plays on his computer a lot, but every once in a while he paces his apartment, drinking a beer, and periodically stops to do this head-banging robot dance.

The Loud Techno Girl lives on the basement/first level. Her music isn't nearly as annoying as it used to be before I finally succumbed to the heat and closed the windows to put the air conditioner on. She has this friend who would be striking alone for his size, but when you add the foot tall spiked mohawk that he sports on Friday evenings....it becomes fascinating. First of all, I can't figure out what he uses to get it to do that...but secondly, I can't help but wonder how often he hits his hair in doorways or if he gets a crick in his neck when in the car.

On the second floor, and directly eye level with my apartment, are the latin drag queens. Every night they dress up and prance around their apartment. Their balcony has been turned into an impromptu hair salon. Jimmy was looking at them and actually recognized them. Apparently there are two main factions of drag queens that perform at Club Sound and these girls belong to Nova (one of the drag queen bees).

Jimmy has joked that I should move the couch into the dining room, but at least now that I can be seen typing at the computer the neighbors won't totally think that I am watching them completely. It amazes me how voyeuristic I am. I don't think that they are watching me though....I'm pretty boring, unless you find it fascinating that I cleaned my house at 9pm on a Sunday night.

Removing Assistant From My Job Title

If anything could be learned by my turning 30, it is the following:
I desperately need to work in a more professional environment.

With the latest round of drama at work, I've been really struggling to find some concrete terms to voice my dissatisfaction....besides the fact that everything keeps making me cry. What I have come up with is that there is a lack of professionalism and respect. I understand that respect is one of those terms that really depends on other factors. So, here we go.....

-An environment where administration makes promises as to pay raises/job advancement and then does nothing is not a professional one.
-An administration who says that they value employee input, but blows off the employee completely when they notify them of a very serious problem in the workplace, is not a professional one.
-A work environment that is continually unprofessional cannot be one that inspires respect and teamwork.

I've been applying for jobs for a while now. When I have asked about the Outreach position being posted, I've been told that they will let me know but that it is easily a month away from being open. So I check for positions every few days and apply. In the meantime, I am being actively recruited for a position on campus in another department.....don't want to jinx it so no details until I get the position- or not....so on Monday I checked the University job postings to see if it was listed. And while I was there discovered that the Friday prior they posted the Outreach job.

I was furious because I was not even told that they were officially going to post the job.
I was furious because I had to be looking for another job in order to find out.
I was so furious that I stormed into the AA's office and asked if the Director had someone already in mind for the position.

She told me that she wasn't aware of anything. I don't trust anything that she says, but I needed to let her know that I was upset.

I applied for the position, but I will not get it. I would be surprised if I even got an interview. For one thing, our AA, in her ever-present lack of professionalism, told another employee here that I would NEVER get the Outreach job because they had different plans for me. This upsets me on many, many levels. One, I am being denied even the consideration of advancement into a position that I am more than qualified for. Two, how dare they even assume that they have the right to determine my career? I understand that I am a great assistant. I know that I have desirable skills....but I am also not a slave, and sure as hell, not their slave. The very idea that they would not even consider me for anything else because they can't bare to have me not picking up after them..... ugh. When you couple this with the recent blow-off by administration on an employee issue....well, I've completely checked out of here.

I'm making plans that I will not be here past the end of the month. Of course, that assumption is also that I would have another job to go to at the end of the month, but it is also helpful in piecing together what I would need to get done before I leave in order to feel good about it. I have loved my job at Outreach, and I feel connected and obligated to the community that I have served there. From this point until I leave, the work I do is for them and not the Center.

So....here's to the determination to remove the term "Assistant" from any job title that I have.

Taking the Bad in with the Good

I haven't heard anything from the student loan company that Mr. 3 fraudulently co-signed me on his loans on for a long time. The last communication was from Wachovia telling me that they were processing my claims.

But today....at my office at the MEC (and we know how I feel on collection calls to begin with, but at work- ugh)....I get a phone call from a collection agency.

Here's the thing though....they were only trying to collect on 1 of the 3 loans he signed me onto. The other 2 have been removed from my record. Removed! Oh, I hope that they guy I talked to was telling me correctly on those 2 loans. If this information is correct, then it is logical to deduce that they meant to remove all the loans and that this one just didn't make it though the whole process.

So I need to fax in yet another fraud claim packet to this company. I've had to fax in that police report to so many places you would think that I would have left a copy of that here in a file somewhere. But I haven't. With all of the personal information I have in my office, that police report is a special brand of shame. I'll make sure to send in the fax tomorrow.

I think that this is an overall good sign...or at least I am trying to delude myself into thinking that. In any case, I think that this also shows (cough cough...are you paying attention Jimmy?) that even though handling these fraud claims is a giant pain-in-the-ass, that it can be done.

Hey Mike! Your catalog arrived!

Hi Mike (aka Mr.3)! Your catalog arrived in the mail today....you know the one. The one that you can purchase equipment to make your own fake IDs with. Well it came. I know that you must have been waiting for it. You can pick it up anytime.

Putz.

Time?

If you asked me what time it was, I would probably pull my cell phone out of my bra and tell you.

If you asked my Dad what time it was he would tell you "the same time it was 24 hours ago".

If you asked an astrophysicist what time it is you would get a debate on the theory of relativity.

If you asked the wicked witch of the west she would tell you "time's up my pretty".

If you ask David Bowie he would tell you that time is waiting in the wings and that it speaks of senseless things. "His script is you and me boys"

So, what time is it?

Well at least I applied for something, right?

The whither to work or not debate continues in my head. Tentatively I have plans to quit on September 30th, unless something different happens.
I applied for a job that I was perfect for at the local children's museum. The posting was online Tuesday, worked on the resume all day Wednesday and happily sent it off yesterday (Thursday). I felt on top of the world about doing the resume, looking forward to an interview, a possible new job. I felt new energy at work in order to get major projects finished before I leave. I even speculated on how much money I would make.... Yeah, I know, I really built my hopes too high on it.

So this morning, I'm still excited and impatient just to get acknowledgment of my application. And on a whim, I check the organization website....and the posting is no longer there.

I'm totally crushed.

I went from feeling like the world is full of opportunities to feeling utterly trapped.

And I know, it is stupid. It was stupid to pin my hopes on some phantom job. It is stupid just to think that since the posting isn't up any longer that my resume will not be considered. And it is stupid to feel trapped when I am not. Trust me, my forehead keeps getting flatter for each time I smack myself. But I still feel that way. I mean, I haven't felt this depressed in a while.

And the last thing that I want right now is to be at work.
I want to be away somewhere where I don't have to think about this stuff anymore and that everything is taken care of for me.

To Quit or Not to Quit Job 1

I've been really unhappy at the MEC for a while now. I loved my job, I really did.....but the last time that I really felt any joy at work was just before our conference on the 16th when I was prepping puppets for my art project breakout session. It was the first time in a very long time that I was having fun at work.

I thought that part of my fornlorness had to do with my boss retiring. And to some degree it was.... but now that she has been out of the office for a couple of weeks, I know that wasn't entirely it. I dread going to work everyday. I hate the fact that I need to get approval on things that I am working on, and that I can't get anyone in the "adminsistration" to give me the time of day for that approval.

First of all, I have zero tolerance for BS in the workplace. I have my job to do, and I work to get it done. I expect others to get their work done, and not impede me in doing mine. I admit that I do indulge in the odd bit of office gossip.... but I shy away from participating or even creating office drama. And I have no respect for those who lie. The personification of BS in my office is our program manager. Instead of telling people that she doesn't know the answer to something, she says that it is either "illegal" or that "it cannot be done" as if it is written in stone. Normally when these situations happen, it is only a task that she can do. So you end up going back to your office and fume, or go back and start calling anyone you can think of so that you can find a way to get the task done. By the time you've figured out how to do the task, the program manager comes back pretending that she has just discovered some miracle cure to your problem. She thinks that this makes her look like a hero..... but when she has been doing it for almost everything you come to her for.... it backfires horribly. Sometimes, she doesn't even bother to look for the answer and you have to go back into her office with university policy. When it gets to this point she can't escape from having to do the task, but she will also do everything in her power to stop you from making her do it. For instance, she didn't like it pointed out to her that she needed to fill out a requisition form to pay the Homestead for our conference next year Even though we had approval to sign the contract by the interim director and the new incoming director...she had a fit and made the incoming director put a stop to it. The contract wasn't signed......it was months of work and a negotiated discount of over 4000 dollars, all down the drain- for the sake of her pride.

She's also on this major power trip.... or rather she is on this trip to make it look like she has all of this power and authority over the staff. While I was trying to meet with our new director on the Homestead contract, she refused to let me make an appointment with him. She acts as if his schedule is super secret and only her and the office assistant has clearance to know what he is up to. I can understand wanting to control access to him, it protects her....at the cost of alienating the rest of the staff that make her look good.

Compound this situation, with a director who insists that you email him with requests.....that he never fricking answers. When he does answer your email it is just to tell you to do something- that he would realize was already done if he had actually read the email to begin with, or that you did something wrong that is unrelated to the email subject. I feel like I am being treated horribly.... that's not a complaint I can voice to them however. I guess that I can say that administration has laid the weight of three positions on me without extra compensation. Administration has promised support but denies it in reality. Administration has made promises as to a pay raise and increase in job status, and has fallen through. Administration has made me feel marginalized, overworked, belittled, and worthless.

I can hear Esther in the back of my head telling me to calm down and be patient.

I have been dealing with an unstable work environment for over a year now. I've put up with it because I was working towards the goal of being Outreach Director.. something that I have talent at and something that I want to make my career. But is it really worth going through all of this? I am not even sure if there is going to even be another Outreach Director... and no one will even answer my questions about it.

I kept getting to work earlier and earlier each morning. The goal of this is so that I can work and not deal with people, and that I get to leave the office earlier in the day. I'm getting in so early, that my 6 hours are up by lunchtime. I also just sit and bitch about work to anyone that will listen. It has hit a crescendo this week. Monday I started looking for job openings, and this morning I wanted to quit after reading an email from the new director. I'll never really wanted to quit a job before.....never wanted to give notice and walk out the door. Libby suggested today that I do just that. At first I just said that no, it wouldn't work....until I started to run the numbers. I normally don't count on GV money, just treat it like a happy surprise check in the mail..... but if I start counting on that money, and up my hours at job 3 from 30 hours a week to 40 hours. I could quit the MEC--- still keep my apartment, cable, therapy appointments, and piano lessons. So I have some options, which is quite empowering:

Option1: Give notice at the MEC immediately and have my 30th birthday (july 30th) be my last day at work. I can apply for other jobs if I like (and there is one at the children's museum that I am going to apply for anyway) but if I don't get extra employment along the way, I'm fine. Still could afford Christmas, but I might take a temporary Christmas retail job in order to pad up my non-existent savings.

Option 2: Give notice at the MEC and have the last day in September be my final day. Still all of the perks of option 1 except I can purchase a new computer for myself. That way, the netbook can be used for Job 3 and I could use the other computer to work on without the fear of it getting some horrible virus and dying. This would actually allow me to set things aside so that I could write, or work more on GV, or a myriad of other things that I have always wanted to do. I guess the perk of having three jobs and being used to working 70 hours a week is that when you arrange to have your schedule go down to 40 hours you have a ton of more free time.

Option 3: Get another job, and quit whenever.

Option 4: Stay at the MEC, but only under certain conditions. This is the one that I really need to think about. I am not sure if I want to stay at all anymore....even if I did get everything that I wanted. Even if I got the title and responsibility that I wanted, the pay that I deserve, etc. I would still have to deal with the administration and their absolute determination to make things 8 million times more difficult than it needs to be. Do I really want that stress?

So it comes down to, really, what do I want to do with my life? Is the fight to the position I want really worth it in the long run? Is that position what I want or need in my life right now anyway?

Option 2 is in the forefront, option 1 is being held in reserve for that instance where I totally lose it and quit. I need something to change, and soon. Heck, I am so dissatisfied that loosing my health benefits pale in comparison to continue dealing with this stress. I don't care anymore that a major component of the Center is in my hands....because even if that reality is true, the new administration live in their own little world, oblivious. They remind me that I am worthless to this program anyway, I might as well relieve them of their burden. I can be replaced and I am not responsible for the health and longevity of the MEC.

What do you think I should do?

MY CAR PASSED INSPECTION!!!

And in celebration, here are the lyrics to the song that I've had in my head for a week.... between this one and the umbrella mending song, I sense some new ringtones in my future.

What are we going to do with Uncle Arthur?
A blinking stallion, is Uncle Arthur.
When he goes a-strolling in the park,
Watch your step, girls, especially after dark.
Any old skirt's a flirt to Uncle Arthur,
He's over eighty, but how he can run!
'Give us a kiss, my dear,' he'd say,
And tickle you up the boom-di-ay,
And say it was just an 'armless bit of fun.

What are we going to do with Uncle Arthur?
Have him doctored like a tom-cat?
You'd have thought by now he'd has his fill,
But my aunt can't bloody well keep him still,
Saturday night'll find him at the boozer,
A couple of pints there, then off he will pop,
Straighten his hat and up the street,
As light as a feather on his feet,
A dirty old man who don't know when to stop.

What are we going to do with Uncle Arthur?
A public nuisance, is Uncle Arthur.
Though he's bald, deaf, dirty and decayed,
He's the uncrowned king of the esplanade.
Nothing on Earth can seem to damp his ardour,
He's trying harder, the older he grows.
One of these days he'll have to die,
What will he get up to in the sky?
Well Heaven and Uncle Arthur only,
You can be sure he won't be lonely,
Heaven and Uncle Arthur only knows.

Derby, Pride, and an Injured Turtle

Wow, busy weekend. Saturday Jimmy went with me to the roller derby double header game, and for once I remembered to bring my camera with me. Got a fantastic picture of Steph and of Jimmy's GIGANTIC nostrils!

It was also the Pride Festival this weekend and I went out to support Jimmy as he walked in the Pride parade. It was pouring rain, but that didn't stop the festivities. I have a bunch of photos on my Flickr account, but this one of the rain was my favorite. I offered my umbrella on several occasions to some poor freezing wet gay men who were trying to find their friends.


I was totally dead after Pride today....totally wiped. The walking that I did today wasn't too bad, but you add in the rain and it adds up to some aches and pains. When I got home I started to work Job 3. Zippy was sorta anxious today and kept trying to get out so I let him and Scooter run around the house. Zippy's under carapiece has always been bad. The previous owner didn't take good care of him and kept him in too wet of conditions. The result of this is that the shell has been lost and there is bare bone on the bottom. Like your skin, the under carapiece has several layers, so the top layer is gone (and unable to grow back) and in some spots he has lost secondary layers. There are several pieces of the secondary level that are threathening to come off. As Zippy was walking around today he kept getting caught on the carpet. I am not sure if this hurts him, but it sounds like it does.... and today I decided that I had to do something for him. So I covered the bottom shell with gauze and strapped him up with medical tape.


I know that he looks silly (and kinda sad) but it seems to be helping. Zippy didn't fuss around too much when I was trying to strap him up and he seemed embarassed for a little while....until he started to walk around and discovered that he didn't get caught on stuff anymore. Since then he has been happily running around the house like he was 10 years younger. I think that I am going to have to make this a permanent dressing for him. I might get some of that athletic tape. It will be less sticky and bulky than the current gauze and medical tape situation.

And now, it is time for bed....but I have to find the turtles first. Zippy was happily asleep under the houseplants last I saw.....but I haven't seen Scooter for a while. I suspect that he's made it to my bedroom and is hiding under the bed.

New Car?

So I had this moment where I had myself convinced that I would buy a new car, but I think that I'm over it now.

I love my little car, and it runs decently..... although I worry that it won't pass inspection this month. It probably will though. Here's the thing... the little cosmetic things that have broken down on it are really starting to get to me. For instance, the driver's side window has been broken for 2 years now. I really miss the window when it is hot. And of course there is something weird thing going on with the fans in my car and only the high and highest settings work. Which is manageable, except my car threatens to stall out if it is warm and I have the air conditioner on for too long at a high level. I could handle not using the air conditioner.... but no air conditioning and only one window that will roll down and it isn't the one nearest to you? Its unbearable! So I either pass out from the heat, or have my car pass out from the air conditioning.

Then there is the issue of the locks. I have automatic locks, which are lovely. But the lock button on the drivers side hasn't worked for over a year now.... and it was manageable by just manually locking it or using the keyless entry. But the batteries in the keyless entry don't want to work now----plus my brother took the batteries out and hasn't brought me new ones and I have no idea what to get. Using the key works, but the lock seems to be getting harder and harder to turn--and I haven't been able to use the key to unlock the trunk in ages!

And the stereo.... I haven't been able to listen to CDs in the car since I worked at the Bookstore, so somewhere in 2003 it stopped working. I make due with the radio or occasionally listen to my iPod with my headphones....but (whine, whine, foot stomp) I miss blaring the radio with the windows down on a road trip.

Ahh.... to take a road trip! My car could probably take a road trip....but it does have over 137,000 miles on it. A road trip with the current cosmetic issues in the car....no way, not happening, not no how.

Can I afford a new car? Probably. My health insurance is supposed to pick up my therapy sessions in July so that will save me $200 a month right there, and of course if I get that planned raise then I will definitely be able to include a couple hundred more to the list of what I can afford.

Should I bother with adding to my current monthly bills? That's the real question. I already pay $600 a month in student loan payments, and I would like to increase what I pay on them.... and I would like to pay off my loans in 5 years, but that won't happen if I get a new car. So I am trying to tell myself that it would be better just to deal with the issues that my current car has. The estimate to fix the window was some ridiculous figure of $500, the stereo something like $300, and easily another $300 for whatever is wrong with the fan.

Oh well..... it will take a while to save up for that too... Here's to hoping for finding a cheaper and reliable mechanic.

Perhaps the Saddest Site I Have Ever Seen

I see alot of websites in the course of working Job 3. According to a recent job review, I rated over 68,000 websites last year.....and I'm figuring that probably over 7,000 were porn of some sort.

Out of all of those, there have been several memorable ones...and I've blogged about them here. But this site, might be the saddest site that I have ever seen. It is a site started to raise money for this little boy who was paralyzed after a car accident. This is part of the last update:

It is with great sadness we have to share the terrible news about Neil, Kazumi and Sam. Sam died from meningitis on Friday and it seems that Neil and Kazumi took their own lives shortly after that.

We are all very shocked at this terrible news and thinking of everyone who cared for Sam or were close to Neil and Kazumi who are dealing with this tragic situation.

We are all better for knowing them and Sam could not have wished for better parents.

Truly heartbreaking.

Bittersweet Insomnia

I've been averaging at least one night a week of insomnia over the past few months, and the most frustrating thing about insomnia is that all of a sudden you have all of the time that you need in order to get what you need done.....but you have no motivation whatsoever to do a damn thing.
For example, this morning I was up a little bit before 4am and decided to read in the hopes that it would tire me out enough to sleep.
Finished my book and wasn't tired.
What to do, what to do?
I could do dishes....they are threatening to to take over the kitchen.... nah, I can do them later.
Practice the piano? I think that my neighbor would be angry at the piano at 5 in the morning.
Work on the millions of other volunteer projects that I need to get done? Well....I tried, but got bored after about five minutes.
I ended up taking a shower and slowly walking to work. I didn't walk the whole way, just until the bus came on the street...I just walked from stop to stop to stop. At least it was a wonderful morning....let's just hope that it stays that way.

Zombie Graduate and the New Adult Sofa

Hello from my the comfort of my brand new sofa!
Graduation is over.... and boy am I glad. The family was all there (Thank you Mom, Dad, Jimmy, and Libby!) and we had a nice low-key celebration. Went to just convocation, a late lunch at Su Casa, and then we went to an art show where Jimmy and his boyfriend were photography subjects. My graduation proofs arrived in the mail the same day that my diploma came. While the photo shows off my totally fabulous hairdo, it also makes me look zombie like--- or like someone how hasn't slept properly in a very long time.
I could write about what this graduation means to me....but I think that I'll spare all the hokiness for the moment. Let's just say that finishing helps me put away alot of the emotional baggage that I acquired during this process. I have all but three thank you cards already sent out: Aunt Linnie, Libby, and my parents remain...I guess you can say that I saved the hardest cards to write until last. I really wanted presents....and surprisingly I got lots of presents. I am not used to getting what I want...and having selfish wants and getting them met is really really strange. The best present by far was the gift that my parents gave me.... a new sofa. Buying a new one has been something that I've been planning on for a while, but it has easily been put on the back burner many times.
This is the completely and totally awesome picture of my new sofa. Up close it looks like a carpet bag, it also looks gorgeous with my hardwood floors. Little bit by little bit all of the hand me down furnature is being replaced by legitimate (and more adult) pieces of furnature. Jimmy inherited my old sofa. The primary condition of this was that he had to find a way to get it upstairs to his apartment by the time the new one arrived. Of course, he didn't manage to get it up to his apartment until almost two days AFTER the new one arrived. He tried to get me to help him, and I refused. He kept saying that it would be no trouble....but even with the help of his friend Jamelle, it still looks like he was having some difficulty, don't you think?
The stairwell is horrible, and even though I was giggling and taking pictures, I had to help a bit as they navigated its twists and turns.


But I think that it was all worth it..... he seems very happy with being able to fall asleep on the sofa again.

Piano!

Since my parents moved from Price I've had the family piano in the front room of my apartment. It is an absolutely beautiful piece of furniture that pretty much just collects dust because I can't play the thing worth as damn.

But.....

I finally got my act together and called a teacher. I hope to begin lessons on May 11th (after payday--how sad is that, that I have to wait for a payday for a $20 piano lesson).

Here's to learning how to play piano with two hands at the same time! Whoo! Only took me like 17 years to get back to taking lessons....may I have more patience this time with it.

Waxing Philosophical on the Subject of Soulmates

Here's another philosophical post for you to groan over. Ever since I've finished my comps that "fog" (I mentioned earlier) is continuing to lift and lift and lift and even though the fog should have stopped it seems to keep lifting. I guess that I am lifting through many levels of clarity at the moment. Which makes since....the whole Masters thing was tainted with the whole Mr.3 thing and in completing one I had to deal with certain parts of the other.

When I had that palm reading thing-a-majig in December, the lady doing the reading had mentioned that people had many soulmates that they came across in their lives. Now, it is truth acknowledged between my best friend Libby and I that we are soulmates. At one point, I felt the same way about Mr.3 and after he hurt me so badly I changed my thinking on this......until I read the following definition of soulmate in the book "Eat, Pray, Love":

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. ........ [Mr.3]'s purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart you ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it's over."

If you go by that definition of soul mate, Mr.3 was one of the ones that I have met in my life..... the same still stands for Libby. In any case, it is just another example of why it isn't crazy at all that I don't regret the whole Mr.3 saga happening.

"I've Been Told That I'm Emotionally Needy, Do You Want to Go Out With Me?"

I'm copyrighting that and I am going to turn it into a t-shirt.

A few weeks ago I went to a conflict management training and we had to do this exercise where we train ourselves to not be triggered emotionally by being called names. You had to think of the three people who drive you most nuts in the world and write down all the adjectives that describe them. Then with a partner you have them call you that name. Once you're called the name you have to say "sometimes I can be ______, but right now I need to move beyond that so I can handle the issue at hand."

I did this with my co-worker Shari. I called her "dishonest" and all the color drained from her face and then she looked like she had eaten something really tart...then it was my turn.
"Debbie, you are always playing the victim".

My jaw dropped and I resembled something that looks like a fish out of water.

The first inclination is that you want to ask why, then you want to refute the comment and then you just want to win the conversation by proving somehow that you are something completely other than what you were just called. And this is how arguments and conflicts happen and all progress just stops.

We've turned this exercise into an office game....throwing around accusations such as "controlling", "dishonest", and the latest and greatest "emotionally needy". Where did that one come from? .....ah...our favorite ex-husband, Mr.3. There hasn't been an update on Mr.3 for a while and that has been by design. In January, we almost caught him. 10 hours behind sort of deal....and there is another woman to add to the "ex-Mr.3 sorority". She's wonderful and amazing.....and even though Mr.3 is a horrible man he has managed to find some pretty damn cool ladies. I'm not sure if I am going to go into this new chapter on the blog just yet.... but I would like to announce that I've started writing the book. The other day however Mr.3 sent her a painful heartfelt email that is filled with empty promises and also trashes every other woman he has been with. I haven't seen the full email but I've been given the cliff notes in which I'm accused of being emotionally needy and basking in the glow of Mr.3's accomplishments at the MEC.

I admit that I had the' fish on dry-land moment', then I wanted to find all the email proof from him that refuted what he said, and then..... I stopped.

I stopped completely.....
and I began to laugh.

Cause it is just like the conflict management class.....he aimed every word to hurt me, to drag me down into a pit of despair, to question myself, to completely throw me off track.

Its failed... and I'm gonna make the t-shirt to prove it.

No More New Face of Sexy

Why? You may ask.

Cause the damn thing is made of fricking latex!

This is not on the packaging or instructions anywhere.

Yesterday I just thought that my teeth were hurting because I was eating a bunch of sugary candy and I haven't had much candy in a while. But last night, as I had the guard on (which I was starting to like) it kept sticking strangely to my gums and my month was producing a HUGE amount of saliva.....and then the burning set in and I removed it. My suspicions have been confirmed this morning as my mouth is dry and sore only where the guard came into direct contact with my mouth.

What to do? Not sure really. Now in times past when latex has come into contacts with the girlie parts there wasn't much I could do except try to heal naturally. But I think that I am going to try some salt water rinses and hope that my mouth will heal faster than the parts down below that couldn't exactly have anything put on them.

I'm really annoyed that the box is not marked at all that it contains latex. I am going to call the company this afternoon and complain.

Review of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

What happens when someone combines violent zombie mayhem with Jane Austen? It becomes something that I spend money on and buy!

There is alot of Jane Austen fan fiction out there, something that I found out on a date in January where we slowly walked through the shelves of the local Barnes and Nobles: lots of books continuing the various stories (I've only read one book of that sort) and there is a whole Jane Austen detective series.

Back to Pride and Prejudice and Zombies..... basically it is a retelling of the story (word for word in the majority of cases) with some Zombie action thrown in. Although there are some plot tweaks and changes. One of them being the relationship between Charlotte Lucas and Mr. Collins. While they still marry, you no longer have to pity Ms. Lucas for her choice in husband as she gets bitten by a zombie and eventually she becomes one. Mr. Collins is so heartbroken that he commits suicide. Lydia still runs away with Mr. Wickham, but in the final settlement where they are forced to marry, a condition is that Mr. Darcy gets to beat him senseless and lame in the name of honor. Wickham is so crippled that he continually soils himself, and selfish Lydia has to constantly change the diapers of her "brave" husband. And of course, in the final confrontation between Lady Catherine and Elizabeth over the rumors of Mr. Darcy proposing to her....there is a physical fight. Lady Catherine is very well respected for her fighting skills (she has a guard of personal ninjas you know) and it was because Elizabeth didn't behead Lady Catherine and let her live that Mr. Darcy renewed his affections.

The book was silly to be sure. The blending of Asian martial arts and 1800 England was...well...interesting. It was worth the read for the novelty alone; and the reading guide and artwork with the inaccurate period costumes, highly amusing. Out of all of Jane Austen's novels, I think that this would be definitely the only one that could be adapted to include a zombie menace.....possibly Emma.... but Pride and Prejudice is the only one with characters that lend themselves to really pride themselves on their social standing AND fighting skills. Also, Pride and Prejudice is probably the most recognizable storyline of Jane Austen. I don't think that it is her best book, but it is a good introduction to her writings. Everyone who is a hopeless romantic can appreciate the love/hate and then love relationship between Elizabeth and Darcy. I'm sure that all of us wish that we had her ready wit....cause she never seems to falter in an agruement. She isn't very deep though, then again, her character is only 20 years old...and how deep are we at that age anyway? I perfer Persuasion with its heroine, Anne Elliot. She's a klutz and make mistakes....and develops maturity with time. She's leaned on by so many people, and often unrecognized for what she does. She's older, 29, and has much more depth to her character. I recognize more of myself in her than in Elizabeth Bennett. So while Darcy would be nice, give me Captain Wentworth anyday.

The New Face of Sexy

So I finally caved in (after waking myself up in pain last night from grinding my teeth) and bought a night time mouth guard. Apparently if I sleep with my mouth closed I clench my teeth and jaws....which causes me much pain and muscle spasming. Now if I don't sleep with my mouth closed I don't clench....but then I just drool all over myself. And honestly....who likes to wake up with dried drool all over their face?

The goal is to sleep with my mouth closed and not have my current level of face pain. Hopefully I can teach myself to stop doing this....but until then, this is the new face of "thexy" (sexy with a lisp).

I have a feeling that this is definitely going to increase my dating prospects.

The Pity Pass

No one knows better then me that I haven't been the best graduate student....I've joked about it plenty of times. I know that my passing of my comps was due more to politics than performance. It already feels pretty hollow. And since I know this, I really don't want to be reminded about it. So the thanks-for-nuttin' award goes to my chair who sent me the following email today:

I am writing this email as Chair of your supervisory committee. This email is to let you know that you have passed the take home portion of your exam. Congratulations!

After considerable discussion and debate, your committee has agreed to also pass you on your lab exam; however, they have asked that I let you know that this was an exceptionally poor exam, and they are very disappointed in your performance.

Translation: Congratulations you have a masters degree, but you still suck.

Crack and Peel- Comps Saga Part 4

So I originally had this absolutely brilliant metaphor planned about how my emotional state was akin to a crack and peel mailing label....but I lost interest writing it halfway through. Let's just say that the month of March was awful....taking me on this emotional rollercoaster that I never ever ever ever ever wish to go on again.

In order to explain my craziness, I am going to lay it all out for you in cool, calm logic:

Weeks in order to complete the take home portion of comprehensive exam: 2
Days left in the exam period before I completely and totally freaked out: 4
Panic attacks on exam due date: 1
Crying fit on exam due date: 2
Days inbetween exam due date and oral defense of take-home: 3
Length of time that my oral defense was scheduled for: 30 minutes
Hours spent freaking out before oral defense: 3
Pre-oral defense panic attacks: 1
Times tearing up in the oral defense: 1
Hours spent after the oral exam crying and hyperventilating: 2
Hours spent studying for the lab exam: 4
Even though I memorized the formula for standard deviation, how many times was it in the lab exam: 0
Time spent of four hour exam period trying to figure out how to get the exam printing because the faculty neglected to let us know that we needed our student ID and money on our student ID in order to print: 30 minutes

Oral comps passed: 1
Lab comps passed: information still pending
Amount of money that I had to spend today on my cap and gown for graduation even though I am still not sure that I am going to graduate: $50

It feels really good to be finished with the exams. Apparently I have been walking around in a heavy fog for a couple of weeks...so I apologize to family and friends that I may have babbled at instead of having a legitimate conversation. I have no excuse.

I also have no excuse for the lack of housecleaning the past three weeks! I shall get that tackled today....although I suspect that I am the only one who notices the dust. But oh....to do chores and errands, and go out and see people and even to read a book without guilt that I should be studying instead...that, my friends, is completely priceless.

A Rather Strange Day....

Why? Well for one, I went to the ENT today about my ear pain. I've been having this pain for a while and I was worried that it was effecting my hearing. My hearing is fine, in fact it is very very good. The ear pain is due to my clenching of my jaw.... I'm apparently given myself arthritis in my jaw, albeit temporary. The muscles that are spasming because of the teeth clenching stem up into the ear....causing the pain. It is also the cause of my perception of hearing loss in my left ear as the muscle that is effected is pulling the eardrum down a bit. The doctor was very helpful and answered all of my odd questions. Health tip......don't use q-tips to clean your ears. Apparently your ears have a natural self-cleaning system and using q-tips is the equilivent of wiping away your ear's natural immune system. So I am going to try to stop myself from using q-tips....especially because the doctor says that once I do that I'll be able to swim and not worry about ear pain. Of course.....I think that I am getting sorta annoyed that yet another doctor has told me that I need to de-stress....alright guys! I get the point!

The next strange thing that happened today is that I sorta got a promotion at the Center. One of our professors got a huge grant for a Turkish studies project, I know that he had been trying to get me as his assistant, and this morning I got an email from our soon-to-be new director appointing me as project assistant. This will move me to full time (I'm currently only 30 hours a week) and I am still to be in Outreach. Of course the salary increase won't happen until July and there are alot of details that will need to be worked out. I still have to work on part of the project now though.....but it is kinda flattering that I got this promotion. It will make the future of me in Outreach extra interesting.

And the final bit of strangeness....although it really isn't that strange, is that I am still working on my comps. In my appointment with Esther yesterday we talked about why I was freaking and alot of it has to do with my feelings of the exam being a bunch of busy work and that I'm not as empassioned about the subject as I used to be. I worked on them this afternoon in my office at work and made a huge amount of progress and when I am done with this post, I am going to work more on them. I've made a large pot of coffee and I am in a surprisingly good mood. Now I just need to take some anti-inflammatories for the spasming jaw and resulting ear pain and I'm golden!

Comps Saga- Part 3

Well its happened..... I had the freak out. The crying, shaking, completely and totally irrational kind of freak out.

I actually had a panic attack over comps during work. I haven't finished them, and I haven't written enough, but I also have time. They aren't due until Thursday at 5pm.....I have time....and I have to keep reminding myself that.

You would think that I would understand how I work best....and I wonder if it is really true that I work best late at night and under an impending deadline. Today, I was focusing on writing my comps from 12:30 pm onwards and I have very very little to show for it. It is like my brain melted and I must have stared at the screen for hours. Luckily Libby came over for a while to help me calm down. I also took a long hot bath and drank a very large glass of wine. The result is that I am much more calm, but still as mushy brained. I'm considering just turning in at 9:30 tonight, in the hopes that tomorrow I will feel better and will be able to think.

Here's hoping....

Comps Saga- Part 2

The official comprehensive exam study/write soundtrack has been chosen!

I decided that I needed something comfortable and familiar, and also something that I have no memories of Mr.3 with. And so I went with something that also had meaning for me.....the Moody Blues, my Dad's favorite band. So yeah...that's the latest update really..... work on my CBI questions went really well last night. Tonight I work on L2 Methodology questions.

Comps Saga- Sure to be Part 1 of Many

Tick, tock, tick, tock....the time is winding down to me finally finishing my masters degree. Last Friday I was sent the questions for the take-home part of my comprehensive exams. Three classes are being test via the take home (due Thursday the 26th), and three classes are being tested via a lab exam (March 31). There is supposed to be an oral defense of the exams, but I don't know when that is, sometime between turning the exams in and April 4th.

Of course finishing will be a relief, but I'm being hit with a HUGE load of emotional crap. And it isn't anxiety about the tests....actually I am pleasantly surprised with the fun challenge that the comps questions are presenting.....the problem is in reviewing the course work....because rather than paying attention in class and being a good student when I was in these classes two years ago, I was writing jail letters to my deadbeat ex-husband during the class or was freaking out over one lie or another that he had told me and was failing mid-terms.

Sunday night I couldn't put it off anymore and had to go searching for the last of my class notes. In the back corner of the nephi room are banker boxes filled with classnotes from me and Mr.3. About 1/5 of all the stuff I went through was mine....and I was torn between just throwing out everything that has his writing on it, or going through it all in detail to find all evidence of wrong-doing to hand over to the feds. There was so much waste...half used notebooks...mounds of printed papers. I still haven't purchased a new printer.....Mr.3 took the last two I bought with him and pawned them along the way. He was always printing things that he never needed...honestly, I know that he was studying terrorism, but is it nessacary to print out an Al-Qaida training manual translated into English? I don't think so. I also can't find a book that I need to study for the lab portion of my comps with....I'm pretty sure that Mr.3 sold it back at a textbook sale, which really annoys me.

Going through the boxes was hard and I guess that he was on my mind while I slept, as on Monday morning the house phone started to ring at 7:15am. I was wokened out of a dead sleep and ran to the phone expecting to hear his voice on the other end. Which freaked me out a bit. I do not want to hear his voice, but I spent so much of my life in the past 2-3 years waiting and hoping for him to call...that I guess in a time where sad rememberances are popping up all over the place that strange sub-conscious things would crop up too.

In any case, I just need to survive and do well this month and then I will be able to put alot of this behind me. Once I get word that I have passed my comps....and I WILL pass them...I am going to go through the storage boxes and throw out ALL of the school stuff I have, mine and Mr.3's.

I will get through this.

And now back to working on my comps question from my CBI class.

Quinoa Porridge...Makes Me Rub My Belly

What has Debbie been up to lately, you ask?

Eating.

No, seriously.....I've been eating.

Been trying a new thing where I try a new food each week and at least one new recipe. Three weeks ago I tried Quinoa (pronouced "keen- waa") which is a grain. It's awesome when you cook it because as it is a seed it sprouts a little in the heat. And while I dislike the texture of oatmeal, I completely love quinoa porridge. I also tried to make vegatable sushi....which is alot harder than it sounds....I couldn't get the rolling right and then my knife wasn't sharp enough so it would sort of explode out when I cut it. I had a few that were rolled ok, but there was quite alot of sushi bits that looked like I crossed a finger-paint-happy-kindergardener with a sushi chef.

Week two of my experiment was acorn squash......tasty and pretty but a little on the sweet side.

Last week's new food was spaghetti squash. The receipe was awesome! I highly recommend it

Not sure what I am going to do for this week, it could be an artichoke....or something......I'm not sure if I am ready to try something like a parsnip or a turnip.......yet.

Banana Chips and More Broken Teeth

I can't win for losing lately.
Last week I made banana chips in my dehydrator. Today I was eating some, and since they are hard I was chewing on the other side of my mouth from where the temporary crown was put in. And guess what?
Yep.....I chipped another tooth.
It is just a corner of a molar on the bottom right side, and it is a molar that has a filling already in it. No pain, just a little scratchy on the side of my tongue. But its annoying, as it seems that all of my teeth are falling apart at the same time. There is a reason for this....fillings get old and need to be replaced...and all of my fillings were done at the same time about 15 years ago. Note to self- make sure that when I have kids that they get that 2 checkups a year at the dentist.
My body seems to be on a kick lately to ensure that I can eat no food. For the past couple of months I have developed a bile abnormality with my medications....I couldn't keep any sort of food in me and was running to the bathroom constantly. Talked to my doctor and she removed me from the medication and my system has returned to normal. Of course the next day after this happened was my dentist appointment. So now that I can eat....my teeth are deciding that they aren't going to let me.
So the game plan is this:
1. Get some fluoride mouthwash and some toothpaste that helps harden enamel.
2. Get more calcium and magnesium in my diet.
3. Resist the urge to liquidfy every bit of food I eat.....because while I know that only eating things that can be consumed through a straw will definitely not break any more of my teeth....I'm still a few decades short for the need of a geriatric diet.

And my new crown will be named after....

I clench my teeth when I am stressed. I know that I do it, but I just can't stop myself. In times of long periods of stress I have had some teeth that have suffered for it. When Jimmy was younger, he had some problems and was hospitalized for some time. I clenched my teeth for that period, and after that stressful situation was over, I had a tooth collapse. A crown was put on. This crown was named after my brother. In a way it is a battle scar and naming it is a position of honor....a mark that I have survived something difficult.

In the tooth next to the crown, I have had a crack in it for a couple of years now. Around Christmas time (during a period of renewed stress in the Mr.3 saga that I haven't written about yet) there was alot of pressure in the tooth....which would increase because I was clenching again. About three weeks ago the tooth broke.....and the release of pressure...it was heavenly. The past week however it became clear that the nerve was exposed and I finally went into the dentist today to get it fixed.

First of all, I really don't like going to the dentist.....but I have an excellent dentist that I've been going to for 15+ years. Unfortunately, he retired (I will miss hearing his stomach gurgle while he was working on my teeth.... sniff sniff sigh) and a new dentist is in his place. This was my first time with this new dentist....and can I just say, that dentists should not be that good looking ever. He was so beautiful that it was kinda painful to look at him. I am jumpy at the dentist normally and this was intensified by the fact that even after 3 Novocain shots that the nerve in my tooth was still hurting. So the dentist is drilling and I've got my eyes closed and fists clenched with the pain. Then I would open my eyes and be lost for a moment in his beautiful blue ones....then the nerve would get touched somehow and I would be pain. But he was excellent dentist and did a good job. Of course, he was very through and I was in the chair for close to two hours.....yes....I was the patient that made all of his other patients have to wait. The good thing is that he was able to clean the tooth, I DID NOT need a root canal (hooray!) and I have been fitted with a temporary crown. In two weeks, the new crown will be fitted.


So Mr.3.....this crown's for you.

The Nigerian Dating Scam

So online dating can have its hazards, and today I think that I just got the internet dating equivalent of the Nigerian Princess scam.

First of all....the picture looks like something that comes as the default picture in store bought picture frames.

Second, the man is 59 and is looking for women from 35-90. That is a rather large age range.

Third, his weird email, which I will post. He talks about distance, but says that he is in Salt Lake City......and for what he says his job is and who he works for....he has awful diction.

So without much further ado...read on and giggle!

Hello Beautiful One!

Your beauty certainly have gotten me so hypnotized and i could'nt look further!How do you do? I came across your profile on this dating site and could not think of something else than sending you an e-mail. You have got cute looks, probably that got me attracted to you. Well, i am into sales of art works such as painting and sculpture and i also deal on gold and bronze and also more of an Atlantic traveller. My work takes me back and forth to other parts of the world and Great Britain.

I think we share similar interests even though the distance. However, things might be an initial turn off to you, but we can still make things happen by believing in ourselves! Please do oblige to write me back as we can set up a conversation sometimes. My e-mail addresses outside this facility are XXXXXX.

However, If you use a Yahoo messenger, or msn instant messenger, you can as well add me to your list and if you dont have one, please try and set up an account so we could talk better on chart as i believe that would be a nice platform to get acquainted!

waiting to hear from you. please write to my personal email address as i do not use this site always.

The heart that cares,

Great email isn't it? What he forgot to add was...."oh, by the way can I have all of your credit card information as I have just been stranded in Timbuktu under some crazy circumstances and because I really feel like I connected with you via your dating profile, I feel comfortable enough to turn to you in my time of need."

Yeah......I've been already taken by one con man in my lifetime. Learned my lesson on that one.
I've learned my lesson on alot of other things.....so to you, oh cute-other-guy-that-I-was-supposed-to-go-out-with-last-Thursday: I understand that sometimes it is hard to find a baby sitter, but no, I will not sneak myself into your house after your little girl has gone to sleep. And even though I have told you that I want to meet you in a public place, your driveway does not qualify as such a public place. And no, I will not come over and give you a massage.

And then there was one....

....one lone little toothbrush in the toothbrush caddy that I was too lazy to take a photo of for the blog. Why is there only one? Because my little brother has moved out and up in the world...literally... to the apartment upstairs.
So he really isn't that far away and I now have my apartment all to myself. I've lived here alone before in-between times of Mr.3 skipping town....but at that time the house was kept in a manner where things were preserved as he would like them.....no longer! Now all decorating decisions are officially mine! Muuahaahaahaahaa!
And the dishes that are dirtied are all mine!
And the messes in the house are all mine!
And any strange smells in the house are all mine!
Hooray! For going to the bathroom with the door open all the time!!!! Whoopie!!

Dating Indifference

I think that I am a fairly easy person to date. I almost demand that all dates are dutch....I'm nice, I ask alot about you- letting you talk as much as you want about yourself. I smile, listen and flatter. In return for this...I expect you to be at least interested in me. Ask me about myself. For hells sake....I have given you the time of day!
I hate dating indifference!
I've just gone on a second date with a guy, a nice guy....but he is either so shy that he is absolutely petrified of me, or he is completely indifferent.
Not that I expect that I have many exes who read my blog....I think only one really.....but they would all know that I am a little on the aggressive side when it comes to relationships. I know what I want and I have little tolerance for lallygagging around. Dating indifference totally drives me crazy! Ugh!
Got a third date with a different guy on Sunday....hopefully that date leaves me feeling better.

One more "anniversary" date left

In my recovery from the saga that was Mr.3, I have had a series of various anniversaries that I have emotionally tried to survive. So far, once I have come close to hitting one of those dates I worry that I will be an emotional wreck that day and then later find out that it didn't effect me like I was expecting it too. Yesterday, Christmas day, marked the one year anniversary of my last speaking to Mr.3. On this date last year, he called me at about 9:30 in the morning, told me that he had been released from his VA treatment program and that he would call me again once he got to the house. He never called. Needless to say last Christmas sucked ass..... In fact, if you want to itemize the bad things that Mr.3 has done, that probably tops the list as the most emotionally evil thing to do.
And I didn't even think about him yesterday. It was a relaxing and enjoyable day. There is only one more anniversary date left, that of finding out the truth....and I am pretty sure that day will pass just as quietly as the others.
Looking into the future, I am not going to set out any resolutions, but I am going to look at and re-evaluate my 5 year plan.....my goal is to be more specific with it than in the past.
Happy Boxing Day everyone!

Even Santa Needs a Bailout

Back on the Market Again

M came over for dinner last night after the two of us seemed to have spent a week trying to get our schedules to sync up. The evening went well overall, even after he told me that he was going to try counseling with the almost ex. So no more happy bedtimes with M. Which is sad, but I'm not devastated. Don't get me wrong, I really liked him, but I hadn't emotionally invested in him yet. When he left I cried a little bit to get it out of my system and I'm now ok. Cause this didn't have anything to do with me....not my body, not my personality, nothing to do with me. This situation is all about M and the almost ex that he isn't over. Now the view of her that he has given me, isn't positive, and even last night when he was talking at length about the situation the positive bits still were tempered with alot of doubt. She actually lied to him about filing the divorce paperwork, which is a serious problem......and in the light of him being embroiled in such a situation it is probably best that we stop being anything other than friends.

Where does this leave me? Well for one thing, I am still friends with M, and if I can't get the phyisical parts of our relationship I demand to be paid in juicy gossip about the wife and counseling. Why? Cause it will make me feel better by rejoicing that I am not in his shoes right now. I know, I'm such a sweetheart shit. This also leaves me back on the market in the dating sense.....and while I hate the first date thing, I'll make it through. I can go back to flirting without guilt.....not that there was much guilt there to begin with.

And yes, I am annoyed that this happened in the sense that I got back on birth control...then again, I was a little paranoid being initimate with condoms alone. So its best that I am doubly protected.....the situation also prompted me to go for a checkup and get a complete workup done. I've got a clean bill of health....which is a good thing too. All in all, this is a positive learning experience for me.

This is the face....

of someone who seriously wonders how she managed to get this far in grad school to begin with. I'm just now starting to get back into the school thing again so that I can finish my project. I just have to review an older assignment and in reviewing it, I wonder what I was on. I mean, I know that I was on.....I was on an emotional roller-coaster attempting to finish my last semester of classes while the ex was freaking out on me and leaving me..... but wow-wee did I write a load of crap.

And now, this is the face of someone who just realized that she is slightly embarrassed at the quality of work she turned in in May of 2007..... Ouch.

Ok, I'm gonna try to get back to work. Hopefully.

A Smack Upside the Head aka Telling Myself to Just Calm Down

Sometimes I wish that the voice of reason in my head would speak up louder. I have this desire sometimes to let myself freak out over nothing.... not only is it not healthy (just the false anxiety alone) but then it also makes you look like you're fucking crazy.

Case in point....the current relationship with M. I haven't seen him for a week, and he has had a busy crazy week so I haven't been able to really talk to him. A week is only seven days.....yet I find myself freaking out about it. It isn't like I haven't been completely unavailable to my friends for a week in the past....so why am I freaking out? Damn good question. Most likely because I really need that rational voice in my head to tell me to "calm down". I can't even really tell you what I am freaking out about.....part of me wants to spend a bunch of time with him, and another part of me doesn't want to deal with anyone or anything. I hate this constant feel of ambivalence.

So let's rationally look at the current relationship, shall we? What has been decided? That we are exclusively dating. Fair enough, I'm still pretty proud of myself for establishing that. How often do we get together? Haven't answered that yet at all. Originally I said that I wanted to see him twice a week.....but can I really handle two nights a week with not much sleep? Really? So I think that I am going to go to seeing him once a week with the occasional twice a week stints. My next step is to actually talk to him about that, so that I can find out what his expectations are. And realistically..... we need to cultivate our friendship more. Before I start bitching about not seeing him enough, I really need to evaluate how much "time" I can handle anyway.

And for now....I really need to stop trying to pick out and predict all possible meanings when he tells me that he doesn't want to get together because he is exhausted. Because he probably really is exhausted. Not everyone was like Mr.3 and trying to manipulate me all the time. M and I came to an agreement that we would be straightforward with each other, and there is no other indication that M isn't being that way with me now.

So Debbie....you need to calm the fuck down.

You've now witnessed my own smack upside the head.

I wish that I was smart enough to have made this one up

In the course of job 3 I come across some interesting sites, and here is a gem for you all to enjoy: Jones' Big Ass Truck Rental and Storage. The commerical is hilarious but you also need to visit the site to read his bio and his humble beginnings as a "street pharmaceutical sales rep".

New Personal Goal: To Tell People When I am Upset

Progress has been fairly good on the last personal goal of being more decisive, although I still haven't figured out a way on how to accurately measure the accomplishment of these goals yet.

The latest personal goal is to tell people when I am upset. I know that it doesn't sound like much. I originally wanted to put that I wanted to stand up for myself more....but I think that I really need to work my way up to that one. So, I am just going to focus on telling people when I am upset with something that they have done and why.

So far I have done this twice this week. And it is important to note that I haven't just ranted and raved at someone because I am mad....but rather I have tried to constructively raise the topic with someone. I have this strange sense of fairness and it is impossible for me to just let loose on someone (although I envy the inhibitions that some have where they can rant and rave and still get their way somehow). Instead I bring up my reaction/side of the story first, then address what upset me and why. Case in point.....tonight I plan on being in Layton to attend a family thing with Libby's family. I will be fairly close to M. I asked him if I could see him and he turned me down. And this enraged me. He has been resistant to me being at his house, and I suspect that it was why he turned me down in the way that he did (I felt that it was a really lame excuse). In the past I would have just swallowed my anger and kept on doing what I was doing. That is my standard practice.....and it has marred my past relationships...or rather it has just hurt me.

So this is what I did. I let myself calm down first (very important!), and then I wrote him an email explaining things. I needed him to understand that I wasn't trying to insert myself into his home or that I was doing the "booty call" thing, rather that I wanted to just see him. I told him that I have had a really rough emotional week because of the birth control pills and that all I was looking for was a hug. He calms me.....I'm taking the birth control pills because of him.....a little bit of time with him would make me feel better- makes sense right? The most important thing was that I told him that I was upset, and that I was rational and realistic in my reasoning behind that (I had someone else read the email to verify that for me).

If I can accomplish this goal in my personal life, hopefully I will be able to transfer it to my work life. There are so many things that upset me in the center....and I am never sure how to address them. Being able to do this a work as well would make life easier for alot of people?

& = Ampersand

So I went back on birth control- because I'm stupid and its convenient. This is week one back on them...and I'm frickin' ragin' hormonal. I'm doing a relatively decent job keeping it to myself but ugh! I really hate this! Part of me wants to just beat the tar out of something and the other part just wants to curl up under the covers and never ever leave the warmth of the bed. I think that I am over the rage hump (please, please, please let me be over the hump) cause I am not as angry or as frustrated as I have been the past two days. I need to surround myself with calming people....

In the meantime, I finally got around to getting Amanda Palmer's new album. I love it, especially this song called Ampersand. Oddly enough, I originally learned what an ampersand was from a Fry and Laurie comedy sketch.... but I digress, the lyrics of this song just really hit me, they are so profound...or at least they are in my current state of mind. (only small parts of the song lyrics are included)

i’m not gonna live my life
on one side of an ampersand
and even if i went with you
i’m not the girl you think i am
and i’m not gonna match you
‘cause i’ll lose my voice completely
no, i’m not gonna watch you
‘cause i’m not the one that’s crazy
.....
i have wasted years of my life
agonizing about the fires
i started when i thought that to be strong you must be flame-retardant
and now to dress the wounds calls into question
how authentic they are
.....
and nobody deserves to die, but you were awful adamant
that if i didn’t love you then you had just one alternative
and i may be romantic
and i may risk my life for it
but i ain’t gonna die for you
you know i ain’t no juliet
and i’m not gonna watch you
while you burn yourself out, baby
no, i’m not gonna stop you
‘cause i’m not the one that’s crazy

I Drank My Ex-Husband's Expensive Beer with my New Boyfriend

In fact as we sat there sipping the horribly expensive German imported beer that Mr.3 insisted I buy for him (and then he hardly ever drank them) Mark said "you know, despite all the horrible things he did, your ex has good taste in beer".

Ah beer. What a lovely drink it is, especially when you are enjoying it with someone you like.

So let's talk about the person I like. His name is Mark and he is a mechanic (you might remember the match.com experiment post from earlier). We've been emailing back and forth since before Halloween but we hadn't met until the Saturday before I left to go to the MESA conference. We decided to go see a laser show at the planetarium and met by the Olympic fountain in the Gateway. Even though he was late (a chronic thing with him) there was instant chemistry between us. We walked around the mall for an hour before deciding on something to eat, went to the show, and then afterwards we walked around for 2 hours talking. I could have talked all evening except that the cold was finally sinking into my legs...and it was 1am. So he walked me to my car, I drove him to his, and there was a brief kiss. We went out again the following Tuesday, went back to my house and talked for a couple hours, and then he spent the night. Of course, I was supposed to fly out the next morning and hadn't packed yet, which made it an interesting morning. And unlike my recent encounter with the mailman (worse sex of entire life), my evening and every evening since with Mark has been the best sex of my life.

I find myself in a relationship now and also without a blog nickname for Mark. Maybe I'll call him M until I figure out something more fitting. M is still in the process of a divorce, and he admitted to me that it would be unfair to say that he is completely over his 'almost ex'. I have to admit the same. We have decided on a low-key yet exclusive relationship. At the moment, we have only been able to manage seeing each other once a week (its an excellent once a week though) but I would like to up it to twice a week..... which is completely in the realm of possibility.

Things are very different with him then what I am used to. Mr.3 was publically affectionate but wasn't in private. M doesn't do the PDA thing, but when we are alone he is very affectionate. In fact he likes to cuddle while asleep, which I am definitely not used to. Mr.3 and I would cuddle for a minute and then separate to our respective sides of the bed. M reaches out and holds me in the night. Of course this makes me an extra light sleeper but one day I hope to wake up and realize that I have comfortably spent the night in his arms (and I am aware of how cliche that line sounds). I've been so used to being rejected that I am not sure how to handle the opposite situation.

How does this leave things? Well...I am plesantly happy and excited about being with M. In fact, I am making plans (while writing this) to see him on Sunday---(yeah! I've hit my twice a week!) and I'm sure that you expect future gushiness on this blog about him.

NYC and the MESA Conference

Part of the recent silence on this blog has been due to me being out of town. On November 19th, I flew to New York to see my friend Sophia and attend the gala for WITNESS. So for a brief day and a half I tried not to get lost in New York, sorta learned the subway system, and tried not to get taken by the taxi drivers. I've heard many people say that you either love or hate New York. I don't hate it, but I really have no desire to go back or to ever live there.

The WITNESS gala was the real reason that I went to New York. One of the Global Voices Board Members, Joi Ito, is also on the WITNESS board and had purchased a board table for us to attend. Seeing that this must have set him back probably around 10 grand, making my meager monetary effort to go to this event was the least that I could do. It was fascinating to see from an events coordinator standpoint. At one point during the evening I had actually starting tallying the cost of what I was seeing between the event personel, the catering, the open bar, entertainment etc. Based on what was there and Utah prices I would guess that it would have been at least $50,000 to put the event on, but if it was closer to $100,000 I wouldn't have been surprised. However I figured that with the table costs and the auctions.....they probably took in close to $600,000. If I had to I could probably organize an event like this....I've done plenty of things on a smaller scale....but the purchasing of tables is an interesting new element to consider.

And before you ask, no I didn't take pictures but I can direct you to my Facebook page (if you are already my friend) and the Flickr sites of those that are MUCH better photographers than I: Joi Ito and the amazing Georgia from GV.

From my late night at the gala, to my short powernap at Sophia's, I was off on the 7am train Friday morning to Washington DC to attend the MESA conference. Of course, in our office there has been so much drama with just getting the staff to this conference it was strange to finally be there. Overall, I'm glad that I went...I needed to go and make contacts there...especially with the other Outreach people. And it was good to make an appearance and reconnect with some people I hadn't seen for several years like my old Turkish professor Roberta and with my Kurdish activist pal Kani.

Friday afternoon I presented to the Middle East Outreach Council (MEOC) about using podcasting for Outreach work, which went over very very well. I am definitely considered the "new school" generation with this group and I ended up fielding alot of tech questions from everyone there....including ways of improving the current MEOC website. They had a great book vendor sale there and I bought 6 books....which is not too bad considering that I havent bought any books for myself for 3-4 months at least.

I also ran into several people that knew Mr.3....and they all asked about him. Each person I told the whole story too.....so sorry dude.... if you hadn't totally ruined your rep as it was already, I started the MESA rumor mill on you. Speaking of Mr.3 related items on this trip, I met and had lunch with Kathy. It was great to finally meet her in person, and I am quite indebted to her for helping me learn the truth about Mr.3. She is wonderful, smart and witty... for all of Mr.3's faults he did manage to choose some pretty strong women to victimize. This will be his downfall in the end. In any case, Kathy is just tops with me!

Back to DC stuff.....I actually did some tourist stuff there for once. For a very very cold two and a half hours I took a bus tour of the city....it was a doubledecker bus and I HAD to be on the top. I do have pictures of that excursion which I will upload a bit later. Needless to say, I had a blast but I was frozen through.

So that has been some of what has been going on.....other items that I have to report on include the current dating situation and how now...I'm in a relationship. More to come!

New Personal Goal: Be More Decisive

I've decided that I need to be more decisive in life... I'm decisive if it refers to just me: life decisions that sort of thing. But when it comes to a decision that affects other people I'm useless. As an example, today Libby asked me where I wanted to go for coffee....there were two choices, and while I knew what one I wanted, I really couldn't say what I wanted to do. The other night, me and M were going out (I'll talk about this more later) and he asked me if I was hungry. I wasn't really hungry and I definitely didn't want him to go out of his way for me. I was wishy-washy and just got a pop. Later that evening, he asked me again. At this time I was....but....I couldn't tell him that. I just didn't want to impose my choices on anyone else.

And this frustrates the people that I know and love.

Now if I could figure out why I am that way, I would change it. I mean really, telling someone that I'm hungry and that something sounds good to me shouldn't be that difficult to say, right?

So right now, I am making a new personal goal for myself--- to be more decisive, to not be timid in saying what I want when someone asks me. ...working on asking for what I want at any time can come a bit later.... this is a baby step situation. I will keep you posted. Wish me luck!

Planning to Cook Today

Not that I can't cook and not that I am not an excellent cook...I just don't take the time to cook. Today I will be making (for the first time) a red lentil and mint soup. I'm quite excited about it....and because I can use my latest culinary skills....that of peeling and seeding a tomato...which I learned how to do on the internet. Yet another reason that the internet rocks my socks.

I wish that I had more time to cook....of course, I wish that I had more time in general. More, more, more..... My therapist says that I have a hard time with that....more. I always want more but because I have been denied it so often, I just sort of suck it up and accept that I will not get more. I need to ask for more.....in many things I need to ask for more. I realized that on my date last night....I held back so much, I could have done more, asked for more time with him, more of a good night kiss, just more......must work on rectifying that bit of an issue for next time.

Strange, Odd & Not At All Startling Revelations

1. After many many months of fretting over stress-related hair loss, I've realized that it has stopped. Is the stop of my hair falling out related to my divorce being final?....maybe.
2. My new little toy has arrived in the mail (no, nothing like that.... you pervert...) my new netbook arrived. We all remember the recent departure of laptop... well I wasn't able to raise up enough cash to buy a brand new laptop but I WAS able to immediately afford a netbook. Its a cross between a smart phone and laptop in its capabilities. It is also mini and cute and fits in my purse and I want to give it some cutsy muppet name.....just cause.
3. This dating thing isn't so bad. I know that I haven't mentioned the dates that I have been on much...and I probably should because it is kinda funny. In any case, I have been on 4 dates in the past 3 weeks with 3 different people and I am arranging a date with another one for this Saturday. So here is a quick run-down of the recent dating candidates:
Porn Rob: haven't met in person but have been corresponding for 3 weeks on chat. I think that he is just the one that you exchange the dirty talk and photos with but never meet.
Mailman Rob: completely and totally sweet, quite the gentleman, but no spark (at least on my part) on our date. We're at "friends" status and he's been added to the new social circle.
Poopypants Paul: local actor who I had seen and lusted a bit after before meeting him on match. Unfortuately, he doesn't have his shit together and while I was willing he turned into a total jerk.
Chemical Chris: lovable guy, a gentleman and a goofball....nice kisser. might have a second date with him, but his life is in flux at the moment...so that is a wait and see situation.
Mechanic Mark: currently setting up a Saturday night date with him....
4. Incidently.....Jimmy has a date tomorrow in addition to the fact that he ate all my bread rolls....
dork

Legally Single

Apparently I was under the impression that the court system would send you notice when something is finalized. But they don't. I called them today to find out the status of the divorce---secretly fearing that something had held it up and that was why I hadn't gotten notice. Nope. Its been signed, on November 4th.

Did you get that?

The divorce is final.

I'm legally single.

And I have been for an entire week.

Fucking A.

Death of a Laptop

If my laptop was a person, it would already be considered as in its 90's and in ailing health. Now it has advanced brain cancer and we are on death watch. It has a virus that has disabled all virus scans, spybot checker, task manager, registry, and system restore! If it is on for more than an hour it does a data dump and turns off. Up until now, I have been able to handle any virus that has come my way in the course of my internet job....but this one, this one is the fatal stroke.

So now what do I do? At the moment I'm using the office laptop...the happily virus-free Apple...which a couple of days ago I was thinking about getting a new PC...and now I am back to definitely getting an Apple. I'll go to the bank tomorrow to see if I can get a line-of-credit to buy a new computer and if that doesn't work -which I am pretty sure that it won't- I'm gonna have to keep using the work laptop until I can afford a new one.

The inconvenience of the loss of a laptop is not what is really bothering me...it is the loss of friend. This laptop has been with me for 5+ years and on 3 different continents...it has been integral in memories for years...and well....it just makes me very very sad.