This is the face....

of someone who seriously wonders how she managed to get this far in grad school to begin with. I'm just now starting to get back into the school thing again so that I can finish my project. I just have to review an older assignment and in reviewing it, I wonder what I was on. I mean, I know that I was on.....I was on an emotional roller-coaster attempting to finish my last semester of classes while the ex was freaking out on me and leaving me..... but wow-wee did I write a load of crap.

And now, this is the face of someone who just realized that she is slightly embarrassed at the quality of work she turned in in May of 2007..... Ouch.

Ok, I'm gonna try to get back to work. Hopefully.

A Smack Upside the Head aka Telling Myself to Just Calm Down

Sometimes I wish that the voice of reason in my head would speak up louder. I have this desire sometimes to let myself freak out over nothing.... not only is it not healthy (just the false anxiety alone) but then it also makes you look like you're fucking crazy.

Case in point....the current relationship with M. I haven't seen him for a week, and he has had a busy crazy week so I haven't been able to really talk to him. A week is only seven days.....yet I find myself freaking out about it. It isn't like I haven't been completely unavailable to my friends for a week in the past....so why am I freaking out? Damn good question. Most likely because I really need that rational voice in my head to tell me to "calm down". I can't even really tell you what I am freaking out about.....part of me wants to spend a bunch of time with him, and another part of me doesn't want to deal with anyone or anything. I hate this constant feel of ambivalence.

So let's rationally look at the current relationship, shall we? What has been decided? That we are exclusively dating. Fair enough, I'm still pretty proud of myself for establishing that. How often do we get together? Haven't answered that yet at all. Originally I said that I wanted to see him twice a week.....but can I really handle two nights a week with not much sleep? Really? So I think that I am going to go to seeing him once a week with the occasional twice a week stints. My next step is to actually talk to him about that, so that I can find out what his expectations are. And realistically..... we need to cultivate our friendship more. Before I start bitching about not seeing him enough, I really need to evaluate how much "time" I can handle anyway.

And for now....I really need to stop trying to pick out and predict all possible meanings when he tells me that he doesn't want to get together because he is exhausted. Because he probably really is exhausted. Not everyone was like Mr.3 and trying to manipulate me all the time. M and I came to an agreement that we would be straightforward with each other, and there is no other indication that M isn't being that way with me now.

So Debbie....you need to calm the fuck down.

You've now witnessed my own smack upside the head.

I wish that I was smart enough to have made this one up

In the course of job 3 I come across some interesting sites, and here is a gem for you all to enjoy: Jones' Big Ass Truck Rental and Storage. The commerical is hilarious but you also need to visit the site to read his bio and his humble beginnings as a "street pharmaceutical sales rep".

New Personal Goal: To Tell People When I am Upset

Progress has been fairly good on the last personal goal of being more decisive, although I still haven't figured out a way on how to accurately measure the accomplishment of these goals yet.

The latest personal goal is to tell people when I am upset. I know that it doesn't sound like much. I originally wanted to put that I wanted to stand up for myself more....but I think that I really need to work my way up to that one. So, I am just going to focus on telling people when I am upset with something that they have done and why.

So far I have done this twice this week. And it is important to note that I haven't just ranted and raved at someone because I am mad....but rather I have tried to constructively raise the topic with someone. I have this strange sense of fairness and it is impossible for me to just let loose on someone (although I envy the inhibitions that some have where they can rant and rave and still get their way somehow). Instead I bring up my reaction/side of the story first, then address what upset me and why. Case in point.....tonight I plan on being in Layton to attend a family thing with Libby's family. I will be fairly close to M. I asked him if I could see him and he turned me down. And this enraged me. He has been resistant to me being at his house, and I suspect that it was why he turned me down in the way that he did (I felt that it was a really lame excuse). In the past I would have just swallowed my anger and kept on doing what I was doing. That is my standard practice.....and it has marred my past relationships...or rather it has just hurt me.

So this is what I did. I let myself calm down first (very important!), and then I wrote him an email explaining things. I needed him to understand that I wasn't trying to insert myself into his home or that I was doing the "booty call" thing, rather that I wanted to just see him. I told him that I have had a really rough emotional week because of the birth control pills and that all I was looking for was a hug. He calms me.....I'm taking the birth control pills because of him.....a little bit of time with him would make me feel better- makes sense right? The most important thing was that I told him that I was upset, and that I was rational and realistic in my reasoning behind that (I had someone else read the email to verify that for me).

If I can accomplish this goal in my personal life, hopefully I will be able to transfer it to my work life. There are so many things that upset me in the center....and I am never sure how to address them. Being able to do this a work as well would make life easier for alot of people?

& = Ampersand

So I went back on birth control- because I'm stupid and its convenient. This is week one back on them...and I'm frickin' ragin' hormonal. I'm doing a relatively decent job keeping it to myself but ugh! I really hate this! Part of me wants to just beat the tar out of something and the other part just wants to curl up under the covers and never ever leave the warmth of the bed. I think that I am over the rage hump (please, please, please let me be over the hump) cause I am not as angry or as frustrated as I have been the past two days. I need to surround myself with calming people....

In the meantime, I finally got around to getting Amanda Palmer's new album. I love it, especially this song called Ampersand. Oddly enough, I originally learned what an ampersand was from a Fry and Laurie comedy sketch.... but I digress, the lyrics of this song just really hit me, they are so profound...or at least they are in my current state of mind. (only small parts of the song lyrics are included)

i’m not gonna live my life
on one side of an ampersand
and even if i went with you
i’m not the girl you think i am
and i’m not gonna match you
‘cause i’ll lose my voice completely
no, i’m not gonna watch you
‘cause i’m not the one that’s crazy
.....
i have wasted years of my life
agonizing about the fires
i started when i thought that to be strong you must be flame-retardant
and now to dress the wounds calls into question
how authentic they are
.....
and nobody deserves to die, but you were awful adamant
that if i didn’t love you then you had just one alternative
and i may be romantic
and i may risk my life for it
but i ain’t gonna die for you
you know i ain’t no juliet
and i’m not gonna watch you
while you burn yourself out, baby
no, i’m not gonna stop you
‘cause i’m not the one that’s crazy

I Drank My Ex-Husband's Expensive Beer with my New Boyfriend

In fact as we sat there sipping the horribly expensive German imported beer that Mr.3 insisted I buy for him (and then he hardly ever drank them) Mark said "you know, despite all the horrible things he did, your ex has good taste in beer".

Ah beer. What a lovely drink it is, especially when you are enjoying it with someone you like.

So let's talk about the person I like. His name is Mark and he is a mechanic (you might remember the match.com experiment post from earlier). We've been emailing back and forth since before Halloween but we hadn't met until the Saturday before I left to go to the MESA conference. We decided to go see a laser show at the planetarium and met by the Olympic fountain in the Gateway. Even though he was late (a chronic thing with him) there was instant chemistry between us. We walked around the mall for an hour before deciding on something to eat, went to the show, and then afterwards we walked around for 2 hours talking. I could have talked all evening except that the cold was finally sinking into my legs...and it was 1am. So he walked me to my car, I drove him to his, and there was a brief kiss. We went out again the following Tuesday, went back to my house and talked for a couple hours, and then he spent the night. Of course, I was supposed to fly out the next morning and hadn't packed yet, which made it an interesting morning. And unlike my recent encounter with the mailman (worse sex of entire life), my evening and every evening since with Mark has been the best sex of my life.

I find myself in a relationship now and also without a blog nickname for Mark. Maybe I'll call him M until I figure out something more fitting. M is still in the process of a divorce, and he admitted to me that it would be unfair to say that he is completely over his 'almost ex'. I have to admit the same. We have decided on a low-key yet exclusive relationship. At the moment, we have only been able to manage seeing each other once a week (its an excellent once a week though) but I would like to up it to twice a week..... which is completely in the realm of possibility.

Things are very different with him then what I am used to. Mr.3 was publically affectionate but wasn't in private. M doesn't do the PDA thing, but when we are alone he is very affectionate. In fact he likes to cuddle while asleep, which I am definitely not used to. Mr.3 and I would cuddle for a minute and then separate to our respective sides of the bed. M reaches out and holds me in the night. Of course this makes me an extra light sleeper but one day I hope to wake up and realize that I have comfortably spent the night in his arms (and I am aware of how cliche that line sounds). I've been so used to being rejected that I am not sure how to handle the opposite situation.

How does this leave things? Well...I am plesantly happy and excited about being with M. In fact, I am making plans (while writing this) to see him on Sunday---(yeah! I've hit my twice a week!) and I'm sure that you expect future gushiness on this blog about him.

NYC and the MESA Conference

Part of the recent silence on this blog has been due to me being out of town. On November 19th, I flew to New York to see my friend Sophia and attend the gala for WITNESS. So for a brief day and a half I tried not to get lost in New York, sorta learned the subway system, and tried not to get taken by the taxi drivers. I've heard many people say that you either love or hate New York. I don't hate it, but I really have no desire to go back or to ever live there.

The WITNESS gala was the real reason that I went to New York. One of the Global Voices Board Members, Joi Ito, is also on the WITNESS board and had purchased a board table for us to attend. Seeing that this must have set him back probably around 10 grand, making my meager monetary effort to go to this event was the least that I could do. It was fascinating to see from an events coordinator standpoint. At one point during the evening I had actually starting tallying the cost of what I was seeing between the event personel, the catering, the open bar, entertainment etc. Based on what was there and Utah prices I would guess that it would have been at least $50,000 to put the event on, but if it was closer to $100,000 I wouldn't have been surprised. However I figured that with the table costs and the auctions.....they probably took in close to $600,000. If I had to I could probably organize an event like this....I've done plenty of things on a smaller scale....but the purchasing of tables is an interesting new element to consider.

And before you ask, no I didn't take pictures but I can direct you to my Facebook page (if you are already my friend) and the Flickr sites of those that are MUCH better photographers than I: Joi Ito and the amazing Georgia from GV.

From my late night at the gala, to my short powernap at Sophia's, I was off on the 7am train Friday morning to Washington DC to attend the MESA conference. Of course, in our office there has been so much drama with just getting the staff to this conference it was strange to finally be there. Overall, I'm glad that I went...I needed to go and make contacts there...especially with the other Outreach people. And it was good to make an appearance and reconnect with some people I hadn't seen for several years like my old Turkish professor Roberta and with my Kurdish activist pal Kani.

Friday afternoon I presented to the Middle East Outreach Council (MEOC) about using podcasting for Outreach work, which went over very very well. I am definitely considered the "new school" generation with this group and I ended up fielding alot of tech questions from everyone there....including ways of improving the current MEOC website. They had a great book vendor sale there and I bought 6 books....which is not too bad considering that I havent bought any books for myself for 3-4 months at least.

I also ran into several people that knew Mr.3....and they all asked about him. Each person I told the whole story too.....so sorry dude.... if you hadn't totally ruined your rep as it was already, I started the MESA rumor mill on you. Speaking of Mr.3 related items on this trip, I met and had lunch with Kathy. It was great to finally meet her in person, and I am quite indebted to her for helping me learn the truth about Mr.3. She is wonderful, smart and witty... for all of Mr.3's faults he did manage to choose some pretty strong women to victimize. This will be his downfall in the end. In any case, Kathy is just tops with me!

Back to DC stuff.....I actually did some tourist stuff there for once. For a very very cold two and a half hours I took a bus tour of the city....it was a doubledecker bus and I HAD to be on the top. I do have pictures of that excursion which I will upload a bit later. Needless to say, I had a blast but I was frozen through.

So that has been some of what has been going on.....other items that I have to report on include the current dating situation and how now...I'm in a relationship. More to come!

New Personal Goal: Be More Decisive

I've decided that I need to be more decisive in life... I'm decisive if it refers to just me: life decisions that sort of thing. But when it comes to a decision that affects other people I'm useless. As an example, today Libby asked me where I wanted to go for coffee....there were two choices, and while I knew what one I wanted, I really couldn't say what I wanted to do. The other night, me and M were going out (I'll talk about this more later) and he asked me if I was hungry. I wasn't really hungry and I definitely didn't want him to go out of his way for me. I was wishy-washy and just got a pop. Later that evening, he asked me again. At this time I was....but....I couldn't tell him that. I just didn't want to impose my choices on anyone else.

And this frustrates the people that I know and love.

Now if I could figure out why I am that way, I would change it. I mean really, telling someone that I'm hungry and that something sounds good to me shouldn't be that difficult to say, right?

So right now, I am making a new personal goal for myself--- to be more decisive, to not be timid in saying what I want when someone asks me. ...working on asking for what I want at any time can come a bit later.... this is a baby step situation. I will keep you posted. Wish me luck!

Planning to Cook Today

Not that I can't cook and not that I am not an excellent cook...I just don't take the time to cook. Today I will be making (for the first time) a red lentil and mint soup. I'm quite excited about it....and because I can use my latest culinary skills....that of peeling and seeding a tomato...which I learned how to do on the internet. Yet another reason that the internet rocks my socks.

I wish that I had more time to cook....of course, I wish that I had more time in general. More, more, more..... My therapist says that I have a hard time with that....more. I always want more but because I have been denied it so often, I just sort of suck it up and accept that I will not get more. I need to ask for more.....in many things I need to ask for more. I realized that on my date last night....I held back so much, I could have done more, asked for more time with him, more of a good night kiss, just more......must work on rectifying that bit of an issue for next time.

Strange, Odd & Not At All Startling Revelations

1. After many many months of fretting over stress-related hair loss, I've realized that it has stopped. Is the stop of my hair falling out related to my divorce being final?....maybe.
2. My new little toy has arrived in the mail (no, nothing like that.... you pervert...) my new netbook arrived. We all remember the recent departure of laptop... well I wasn't able to raise up enough cash to buy a brand new laptop but I WAS able to immediately afford a netbook. Its a cross between a smart phone and laptop in its capabilities. It is also mini and cute and fits in my purse and I want to give it some cutsy muppet name.....just cause.
3. This dating thing isn't so bad. I know that I haven't mentioned the dates that I have been on much...and I probably should because it is kinda funny. In any case, I have been on 4 dates in the past 3 weeks with 3 different people and I am arranging a date with another one for this Saturday. So here is a quick run-down of the recent dating candidates:
Porn Rob: haven't met in person but have been corresponding for 3 weeks on chat. I think that he is just the one that you exchange the dirty talk and photos with but never meet.
Mailman Rob: completely and totally sweet, quite the gentleman, but no spark (at least on my part) on our date. We're at "friends" status and he's been added to the new social circle.
Poopypants Paul: local actor who I had seen and lusted a bit after before meeting him on match. Unfortuately, he doesn't have his shit together and while I was willing he turned into a total jerk.
Chemical Chris: lovable guy, a gentleman and a goofball....nice kisser. might have a second date with him, but his life is in flux at the moment...so that is a wait and see situation.
Mechanic Mark: currently setting up a Saturday night date with him....
4. Incidently.....Jimmy has a date tomorrow in addition to the fact that he ate all my bread rolls....
dork

Legally Single

Apparently I was under the impression that the court system would send you notice when something is finalized. But they don't. I called them today to find out the status of the divorce---secretly fearing that something had held it up and that was why I hadn't gotten notice. Nope. Its been signed, on November 4th.

Did you get that?

The divorce is final.

I'm legally single.

And I have been for an entire week.

Fucking A.

Death of a Laptop

If my laptop was a person, it would already be considered as in its 90's and in ailing health. Now it has advanced brain cancer and we are on death watch. It has a virus that has disabled all virus scans, spybot checker, task manager, registry, and system restore! If it is on for more than an hour it does a data dump and turns off. Up until now, I have been able to handle any virus that has come my way in the course of my internet job....but this one, this one is the fatal stroke.

So now what do I do? At the moment I'm using the office laptop...the happily virus-free Apple...which a couple of days ago I was thinking about getting a new PC...and now I am back to definitely getting an Apple. I'll go to the bank tomorrow to see if I can get a line-of-credit to buy a new computer and if that doesn't work -which I am pretty sure that it won't- I'm gonna have to keep using the work laptop until I can afford a new one.

The inconvenience of the loss of a laptop is not what is really bothering me...it is the loss of friend. This laptop has been with me for 5+ years and on 3 different continents...it has been integral in memories for years...and well....it just makes me very very sad.

I Know, I'm Just as Appalled at My Lack of Posting

Happy Halloween Everyone!

Public Service Annoucement for Mr. 3

See this?
Remember it?
This is my big behind, and you can kiss it for all I care because this girl is filing the final divorce paperwork today! I've got all my files ready, and as soon as I leave my office at 1 today, I'm heading straight for the courthouse.
And then all I have to do now is wait for the lovely piece of paper to come in the mail that says that I am legally free of you! Whoohoo!

Quarantine

Jimmy and I had a brother/sister afternoon yesterday and went to see the movie Quarantine. Besides it being a horror film we also went to the Gateway theaters because Jimmy is in the commercial they are showing there for Nightmare on 13th. So if you want to see a pissed off, shirtless, and painted gold Jimmy talking about how he "supposes he comes from the Amazon and that he likes to eat hearts because they have alot of protein" there's your chance.


If you like/love horror films--- go and see Quarantine, because it is by far the best zombie film that I have EVER seen. It gets bonus points for the following:
1. Zombie children
2. Being beaten to death with a video camera
3. Walking on a compound fractured leg
4. Making a girl cry in the theater
5. Unexpected crunching noises
And even better...it wins bonus points for making Jimmy freak out a little.

The Match Experiment

You can always tell when I have a bunch of stuff going on in my life because I blog less... and while I can't divulge everything at the moment, be assured that all in good time some crazy cool shit is going to be revealed. In the meantime I am gonna talk about this week's new experiment: me signing up on match.com.

How did this happen in the first place? It was a combination of a free $60 in my account and the prodings of dear Stephanie. We should probably give her all of the credit or blame for what happens in all of this. :)

Now, years and years ago I just to chat with lots of random strangers in AOL chatrooms, and I got a couple of dates from it....mostly disasters and mostly situations where I had to talk my way out of some uncomfortable situations in order to keep my virginity intact. I have been really avoiding signing up for a service because of this bad history. But I am very different now than I was then. I am more confident and comfortable with myself and my body.... and well that virginity thing, that's a done issue as well.

So...well....its weird trying to "advertise" yourself. I wrote a bunch of oddly witty (at least I hope that it appears to be that way) responses to strange questions. And of course, it was really discouraging at first to look through people's profiles to see what type of woman they were looking for....I'm not going to fit into the "slender" or "athletic" types that everyone seems to be looking for.

And then, perhaps the hardest part is that they want you list what you are looking for.... which really reflects badly on what I am used to. So while I wanted to write that I am looking for as "a man who has his own place so that he doesn't need to live and mooch off of me. That has a job so that I don't have to pay for him everywhere we go. Someone who isn't a con man, someone who isn't like my soon to be ex husband". I think that we all agree that this isn't going to look good in a personal ad. What I settled with was this:

"With the exception of believing that Thursdays might be karmically against me, I'd say that I was a pretty low key girl looking for a drama free relationship. I am looking for someone I can laugh with, and if they are a bit of a chubby-chaser then all would be great too!.
And honestly, what I want is a guy that I can hang with and have fun with and be wild with behind the scenes... someone who isn't looking for forever, but is content for right now and open to possibilities."

They want you to "flirt" online with other matches....this is done by "winking" at people who you are interested in. I've been on this system for 3 days and I have winked at 14 people. I think that makes me a serial winker. Then if someone likes what they see they can wink back or send you an email. So far I have had contact with two people email-wise (strangely enough both named Rob). One of them I have had quite extensive chat conversations with...and while that started as a occasion to get to know someone the conversation went into the subject of porn. Those who know me well know that this is a subject that I can talk on and on about. While he was thinking that I was getting off on the topic, I wasn't. I can find titillation anywhere..... what I am looking for is beyond that.

All is not hopeless, I have another promising email situation developing, and you can be sure that when something happens, I'll post it here.

Probably shouldn't have looked

Found out today about a website that list public salaries for various employers in Utah. I probably shouldn't have looked....because then I wouldn't have found out that I am the lowest paid person in my office. Perhaps I should just cut down my productivity? Although I am not sure if that is possible for me to do anyway.

To Buy the Phone or Not Buy the Phone?...

.....That is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler to in the mind to suffer the pangs of not having that shiny new phone or use the money to buy that dress I need for November? To dress, to tweet; no more, and by a tweet to say everything I think in less than 140 characters to all of my followers, 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wished. To dress, to tweet; to tweet, perchance to blog: ay, there's the rub.

so what should I do? The money is just begging to be spent. Buy the beautiful new phone and get the dress later in the month, or get the dress now and the phone later? Ahh! the choices!

The Phrase of the Day: So Sue Me

Talked to the ol' bankruptcy lawyer of a couple years back about the denied fraud claim of Mr.3's student loan.....and I'm not liable. And the loan company can come after me for it, but they have to prove that I signed. I requested copies of this stuff ages ago from them and they won't send it to me... so the basically, in order for me to have to pay on his loans they would have to get a lawyer and sue me.

So....
sue me.

The Wrong Way to Find More Time on Your Hands

It's 2:45 am.
2
4
5
And I am up blogging, not out of the desire to write but because I don't know what else I can do in my current state of agony....cause sleep is just not going to happen. Word of advice, if you are at Applebee's and you decide to try something new, do not and I really mean DO NOT try their Frito Chili Cheeseburger. Not only is it a mediocre tasting burger but it will give you the worst gas of your life. The kind of gas that makes you wish that you were having the heart attack instead and is completely immune to whatever treatment you throw at it.

So now seems as good as a time as any to write about the divorce hearing that I had today...well I guess now it was yesterday. I had two scenarios in mind: best case, that the judge would feel really sorry for me, decide that I had done enough in order to summon Mr.3, and let me file the paperwork; and worst case, I was going to have to publish the summons in a national newspaper for four weeks. The ruling was somewhere in-between. She will let the summons on the blog count for partial notification and then I have to put an ad in a local cheapie paper for 3 weeks. Of course the cost of the "least expensive" option is still going to be $130 that I will have to pre-pay. So we are looking at a mid-November for the divorce to be finalized...that is if we don't run into any more "hiccups" in the process.

I did cry in the courtroom, and I shook the whole time I as up at the podium. But I got the story out and now more of the Mr.3 saga is part of the court record. In fact after the judge left the chambers the bailiff came up to me to ask some questions about the case. It was sorta touching to see how upset he was that no one has been able to find Mr.3 to bring him to court.

The subject of Mr.3 being in jail has been a frequent one talked about in my house this week. Apparently, in one of the last times that my Dad had some one on one time with Mr.3, he talked about his experiences in jail in the Fall of 2006. My Dad said that it might have been the only genuine thing that he ever talked about. I still have all the letters that he wrote while in jail, and he wrote at length on how he hated incarceration. No matter how much we would all like him to answer for his wrongs, I think that the absolute last thing that Mr.3 would do would be to let himself me caught and taken in.

I must say that I find it really odd to be talking about Mr.3's discomfort with jail while dealing with my own personal discomfort with this gas. Seriously, I hurt all over.... and I am so tired. That is what is worse, I'm tired and in too much pain to sleep.

I'm gonna go and try to continue to burp and fart until this agony is over....I hope that everyone else can manage to get an extra 15-20 minutes of sleep so that they can give it to me later.