So I've done it. I have just finished my last bit of work as the Digest Editor for Global Voices. I'm crying....tears of joy, relief, and then of sadness. Saying goodbye is hard to do.
For 4 years and 8 months, I have been compiling the daily digest email. Through travel (nationally and internationally), daily life drama, computer crashes, hectic schedules, etc...the digest email would still come out with almost computer-like regularity. I would say that I was good at what I did because I did it with such efficiency that I went pretty much unnoticed most of the time. That ability is what has made me a good assistant, a good administrative person....but I am tired of being someone who is just really good at paperwork. I am something more.
I've thought about leaving Global Voices for months now. After being an author, and then a board member, being digest editor really felt like it was the last toe-hold that I had in the organization. Global Voices has been a major part of my life for the past 7 years or so...wow, can it really have been that long? GV was an emotional and financial anchor for me. But I need to move on.
When I first took over, David, my predecessor said that he loved doing the email but that it was becoming a burden. At the time, I thought that he was crazy. I would get to play on GV everyday, and get paid for it! I understand what he means now though. And so do the people who are near me all the time, who have been listening to me lament after my average 12+ hour workdays: "Damn, I can't go to bed yet, I still have to do GV". The digest editor needs to compile that email with passion, with life....and I am not the person to do that anymore.
The past few months I have felt like I am standing on the edge of a cliff....at the very tip of a major change in my life. Letting go of GV is one small foot wiggle to that change on my horizon. I don't need the money....although it has helped me greatly paying for rent, my yoga instructor training, and even a year and a half of college for my little brother in the past. But now....now, I am in a place where I don't need it...and the time that it will free up is much MUCH more valuable to me than the stipend I would collect every two months.
So Goodbye. Goodbye digest. I won't be able to completely say goodbye to Global Voices, not yet. There is still work that I can do, that I want to do. But it will be on my terms how I can give my time back to them....back to an organization that has given me so much. Goodbye.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Monday, November 26, 2012
The Cost of Weight Loss
Recently I had a bit of a mental crisis. The crisis stemmed from the realization that my thighs are falling and also what I lovingly refer to as my "lower hemisphere". They are falling because I am slowly toning up (teaching 2-4 yoga classes a week can do that to a person). Gravity and I aren't friends on a regular basis but this new development.....grrr. Its making me a bit self-conscious. And for those that know me well...that is very VERY hard thing to do. Plus....clothing isn't fitting me right and well....my underwear falls down way more than I would like to admit.
Here's the thing- if you listen to the psycho-babble/multi-billion-dollar-a-year-diet-industry losing weight makes your life better. You will instantly become loveable, men/women/whatever-you-are-in-to will start falling at your feet, you'll have more money, you'll live happily every after, etc, etc, etc. This frankly is bullshit.
Bullshit.
The diet industry has a 95% failure rate. If all of those silly diets worked, they wouldn't make any money anymore. So they sell you a dream. A dream that once you achieve that strange ideal of beauty that your life will really start.
Again- bullshit.
First of all...that "sameness" ideal of beauty is damned boring. Everybody looks the same and have the exact same neuroses. My ideal of beauty is something that changes, that looks different everyday. My ideal of beauty is about the personality, intelligence, and outright silliness that a person is willing to exhibit. My ideal of beauty is much more real and dynamic than anything that is being shown in a fashion magazine. Of course, my ideal is not what everyone else is looking for. Dating has never been the easiest thing for me and I've come across more than one person in my life who assumes that since I'm big that I have no self esteem and they could take advantage of me. Shame on them. But I have NEVER felt like I have had no life, or that it is on hold because of my weight. For those that think I should feel this way....I would like to invite you to one of my yoga classes and just see how much this 300 pound yoga instructor can make you sweat.
Weight is one of those issues that everyone feels like they can talk to you about. Concern about "your health" is just another way of people saying "you being fat reminds me that I could be fat and that scares me". I've had doctors- who I wasn't even seeing- see me in the halls on the way to an exam room and tell me that I would be a good candidate for lap-band surgery. Whoa! Hold on, I'm only here for my annual exam buddy! Of course, since everyone is apparently deathly afraid of being fat, the extreme weight loss shows are very popular. You get to fat-shame people and then see them become something that is much less scary to you. You see them get yelled at while they are working out, being told they are worthless. You get to see they cry over failure because they had a cookie. You get to watch people bully others, tear them down mentally and emotionally, all because you are worried about "their health". What you don't see on these weight loss shows are the hidden costs of this body transformation.
I hate to tell you this folks, but skin just doesn't bounce back if you are heavy and have been so for a long period of time. What happens...is gravity. Everything falls, deflates, and you are left with disgusting amounts of skins that just hangs there reminding you...that you are still fat and ugly. The only way to get rid of this is surgery, and lots of it....which is more than likely not covered by insurance.
I have always been comfortable with my fat. I have never really had a knowledge of myself or my body as being thin. And frankly, being thin scares the shit out of me. Being fat means that I can be myself, rejoice in my squishy-ness in the right places; being fat means that people know me for all that I am, not as some sexual object. In many ways, fat is my hijab. I have never really sought out to lose weight because I know that there are some hidden costs that I don't want to have to deal with. Realizing that I was having some "gravity" issues made that all come the forefront and has resulted in a couple panic attacks. Being thinner means that I would end up being part of a culture that prizes that beauty esthetic...there is a strange girly competition there that I have luckily never had to be a part of, and I really don't want to have to deal with that now or ever. Being thinner means that I might have to deal with people finding me attractive that wouldn't have looked at me before when I was bigger. That is only going to make me more mistrustful and bitter. I want people to love me for me, not just on my appearance. And monetarily....being thinner also means spending money on clothes and....surgery.
So what is the cost of losing weight? I can tell you actually because I had a consultation with a surgeon today. The cost is $11,104, not including time off from work, complications from surgery (months of drains were mentions and some horrible thing where you end up risking getting a wound that never heals). That is also $11,104 that needs to be paid in full before the surgery. That's a car. That's a year's worth of day care. That is a whole shitload of money. And it is also something that I am not going to be doing right now. I will reevaluate in 6 months. I will plan to set aside the money so that in a year or two or three that I might have this done. Or not.
I will also go back to actively loving my falling thighs. I will continue to rock my yoga-ness. I will continue to be my fabulous, silly, intelligent self. And I will continue to be outraged everytime I see someone telling me that I should lose weight for "my health". Sure, I'll do that....if they pay for the surgery. Until then....those people can just kiss the little baby butt that my upper thighs resemble at the moment.
Here's the thing- if you listen to the psycho-babble/multi-billion-dollar-a-year-diet-industry losing weight makes your life better. You will instantly become loveable, men/women/whatever-you-are-in-to will start falling at your feet, you'll have more money, you'll live happily every after, etc, etc, etc. This frankly is bullshit.
Bullshit.
The diet industry has a 95% failure rate. If all of those silly diets worked, they wouldn't make any money anymore. So they sell you a dream. A dream that once you achieve that strange ideal of beauty that your life will really start.
Again- bullshit.
First of all...that "sameness" ideal of beauty is damned boring. Everybody looks the same and have the exact same neuroses. My ideal of beauty is something that changes, that looks different everyday. My ideal of beauty is about the personality, intelligence, and outright silliness that a person is willing to exhibit. My ideal of beauty is much more real and dynamic than anything that is being shown in a fashion magazine. Of course, my ideal is not what everyone else is looking for. Dating has never been the easiest thing for me and I've come across more than one person in my life who assumes that since I'm big that I have no self esteem and they could take advantage of me. Shame on them. But I have NEVER felt like I have had no life, or that it is on hold because of my weight. For those that think I should feel this way....I would like to invite you to one of my yoga classes and just see how much this 300 pound yoga instructor can make you sweat.
Weight is one of those issues that everyone feels like they can talk to you about. Concern about "your health" is just another way of people saying "you being fat reminds me that I could be fat and that scares me". I've had doctors- who I wasn't even seeing- see me in the halls on the way to an exam room and tell me that I would be a good candidate for lap-band surgery. Whoa! Hold on, I'm only here for my annual exam buddy! Of course, since everyone is apparently deathly afraid of being fat, the extreme weight loss shows are very popular. You get to fat-shame people and then see them become something that is much less scary to you. You see them get yelled at while they are working out, being told they are worthless. You get to see they cry over failure because they had a cookie. You get to watch people bully others, tear them down mentally and emotionally, all because you are worried about "their health". What you don't see on these weight loss shows are the hidden costs of this body transformation.
I hate to tell you this folks, but skin just doesn't bounce back if you are heavy and have been so for a long period of time. What happens...is gravity. Everything falls, deflates, and you are left with disgusting amounts of skins that just hangs there reminding you...that you are still fat and ugly. The only way to get rid of this is surgery, and lots of it....which is more than likely not covered by insurance.
I have always been comfortable with my fat. I have never really had a knowledge of myself or my body as being thin. And frankly, being thin scares the shit out of me. Being fat means that I can be myself, rejoice in my squishy-ness in the right places; being fat means that people know me for all that I am, not as some sexual object. In many ways, fat is my hijab. I have never really sought out to lose weight because I know that there are some hidden costs that I don't want to have to deal with. Realizing that I was having some "gravity" issues made that all come the forefront and has resulted in a couple panic attacks. Being thinner means that I would end up being part of a culture that prizes that beauty esthetic...there is a strange girly competition there that I have luckily never had to be a part of, and I really don't want to have to deal with that now or ever. Being thinner means that I might have to deal with people finding me attractive that wouldn't have looked at me before when I was bigger. That is only going to make me more mistrustful and bitter. I want people to love me for me, not just on my appearance. And monetarily....being thinner also means spending money on clothes and....surgery.
So what is the cost of losing weight? I can tell you actually because I had a consultation with a surgeon today. The cost is $11,104, not including time off from work, complications from surgery (months of drains were mentions and some horrible thing where you end up risking getting a wound that never heals). That is also $11,104 that needs to be paid in full before the surgery. That's a car. That's a year's worth of day care. That is a whole shitload of money. And it is also something that I am not going to be doing right now. I will reevaluate in 6 months. I will plan to set aside the money so that in a year or two or three that I might have this done. Or not.
I will also go back to actively loving my falling thighs. I will continue to rock my yoga-ness. I will continue to be my fabulous, silly, intelligent self. And I will continue to be outraged everytime I see someone telling me that I should lose weight for "my health". Sure, I'll do that....if they pay for the surgery. Until then....those people can just kiss the little baby butt that my upper thighs resemble at the moment.
Friday, October 26, 2012
How to celebrate a holiday that you've never really felt you could claim
Today is Eid el-Adha. And I am kinda depressed about it. Kinda is an understatement as I have actually cried at work about it.....stupid emotions. Twice a year, I am reminded that while I have been a member of a faith for 10+ years now, I've never been in a position where I can be in a community that celebrates that holiday. I celebrate Christmas and Easter with my family because we come from a Christian background. We don't have religious ceremonies with those holidays that we perform but we still celebrate traditions with them and those traditions would be recognized and accepted by the community we live within.
Not with Eid. In the past, I tried to celebrate Eid el-Fitr with my family. Which wasn't really successful....I tried to cook a Middle Eastern feast that seemed to just be more about it being weird food that they would probably not eat again. I tried it once and never tried it again. Now, when an Islamic holiday comes around it feels like an afterthought. I have that moment of getting annoyed with myself that I wasn't paying attention to the calendar. I shouldn't have to feel like I need to watch the calendar, I want these holidays to feel like an innate part of my life, like I do with Christmas and Easter, as a part of what happens to mark the passing of a year.
I want traditions. I want that happy buildup to a holiday. I don't want to celebrate it alone either; I am tired of that.
I guess I need to work on this. How does one create a tradition....just dictating it? Well...I'm definitely not going to be sacrificing any animals and give the meat to the poor today. I might have had some feeling that I should give to others this weekend, because I am scheduled to volunteer this evening and tomorrow night. Now, I just want to partake of a meal with family....next item to figure out....
Not with Eid. In the past, I tried to celebrate Eid el-Fitr with my family. Which wasn't really successful....I tried to cook a Middle Eastern feast that seemed to just be more about it being weird food that they would probably not eat again. I tried it once and never tried it again. Now, when an Islamic holiday comes around it feels like an afterthought. I have that moment of getting annoyed with myself that I wasn't paying attention to the calendar. I shouldn't have to feel like I need to watch the calendar, I want these holidays to feel like an innate part of my life, like I do with Christmas and Easter, as a part of what happens to mark the passing of a year.
I want traditions. I want that happy buildup to a holiday. I don't want to celebrate it alone either; I am tired of that.
I guess I need to work on this. How does one create a tradition....just dictating it? Well...I'm definitely not going to be sacrificing any animals and give the meat to the poor today. I might have had some feeling that I should give to others this weekend, because I am scheduled to volunteer this evening and tomorrow night. Now, I just want to partake of a meal with family....next item to figure out....
Wednesday, October 03, 2012
My -shortened-list of what not to do when applying for a job
Recently at work I was part of a hiring committee reviewing job applications for two separate position openings at my place of employment. And….wow….is it ever interesting to be on the other side of the process. So here are some tips to present yourself on paper best.
First, remember that you are trying to impress your potential employer….not the other way around. If there are specific hiring instructions, FOLLOW THEM! You need to make it easy for that hiring committee to process your application….plus it is also a good idea to show that you can follow simple directions. If you have to make a hiring committee work to review your items, you won't get an interview. So, don't send an updated resume after you have already submitted one….. why? Cause we all know now that you didn't really put your full effort in on the first one, you should have revised first then sent, not send then revise. If the instructions say to apply for jobs individually, don't send an email asking for your resume to be applied to all open positions- we aren't your secretary. And don't send in a resume for a position that another agency is hiring for…..you look stupid. And no, I'm not going to pass it on….I'm drawing a bitch line there.
Second, typos, typos, TYPOS! Spell check is amazing. USE IT! Also, please review what you are writing. I understand that you may be applying for a bunch of jobs…..but things like applying to my agency but in your cover letter saying that you want a job with the United Way, doesn't help your case. We are not a gateway to your dream job with the United Way….we have nothing to do with the United Way…and why aren't you applying directly to them in the first place? Also, please spell the name of the agency you are applying to correctly.
Third, personalize your cover letter and resume! I don't need to read about every job you have ever held if it is not relevant to the position at hand. I want to hear more about your job or volunteer experience that relates to my field rather than the fact that you worked at a coffee shop in your teens. It also shows that you took the time to think about the position you are applying for. SHOW ME THAT YOU CARE about what you are applying for by taking a little bit of extra time on your application. We had several people who applied for our two -very different- position openings with the exact same cover letter and resume. It gets noticed. It does. Especially when on your cover letter you don't even bother to change the title of the job you are applying between one application to the other.
Fourth, GET A THESAURUS! Read it, use it, become friends with it, make mad passionate love to it and then marry it if you need to make an honest woman of it later…..cause if I have to read one more application that says the person has a "passion for" or is "passionate" about something, I might scream.
Fifth, we know when you are full of bullshit….so knock it off already. Buzz words will kill you, especially if you don't know how to use them correctly. Cultural competency is thrown around a lot, it is a goal that one seeks….but no one ever achieves it. So don't tell me that you are "culturally competent" about the universe in general. If the job sounds like it has a specific focus...say...like Prevention, and the position announcements asks for someone to be knowledgeable about primary prevention strategies and current research.....that actually means something a little bit more than you saying you are qualified because you think sexual violence is bad. It is a real thing we are referencing. If you don't know what it is....don't say that you do and then try to cover it up. And sentences like this describing your objective in employment: "Professional individual seeking to join a team committed to the highest quality legal service through personal integrity and dedication to its' clients exceeding their expectations". What the fuck does that mean? Or items like this: "After reading about the highest quality of exceptional service provided by [My agency] to its' clients, I am confident that I will add to the committed and dedicated team with my broad range of skills". Yeah….we all know that you are using some silly template that you found on the internet somewhere.
So what should you do?
Be real.
Our agency wants to hire a real person. Someone who is honest, attentive, and yes….perhaps even a little quirky....they will fit in better here that way. You can still be yourself and impress a potential employer. Write me a cover letter that talks about the work you have done and how you feel about the world you are applying to, and then make sure that your resume is consistent with your cover letter. Show me that you care by doing more than just attaching a document to an email. You need a job, we need an employee….we can be discerning even if you aren't in deciding who or what you are going to apply to.
First, remember that you are trying to impress your potential employer….not the other way around. If there are specific hiring instructions, FOLLOW THEM! You need to make it easy for that hiring committee to process your application….plus it is also a good idea to show that you can follow simple directions. If you have to make a hiring committee work to review your items, you won't get an interview. So, don't send an updated resume after you have already submitted one….. why? Cause we all know now that you didn't really put your full effort in on the first one, you should have revised first then sent, not send then revise. If the instructions say to apply for jobs individually, don't send an email asking for your resume to be applied to all open positions- we aren't your secretary. And don't send in a resume for a position that another agency is hiring for…..you look stupid. And no, I'm not going to pass it on….I'm drawing a bitch line there.
Second, typos, typos, TYPOS! Spell check is amazing. USE IT! Also, please review what you are writing. I understand that you may be applying for a bunch of jobs…..but things like applying to my agency but in your cover letter saying that you want a job with the United Way, doesn't help your case. We are not a gateway to your dream job with the United Way….we have nothing to do with the United Way…and why aren't you applying directly to them in the first place? Also, please spell the name of the agency you are applying to correctly.
Third, personalize your cover letter and resume! I don't need to read about every job you have ever held if it is not relevant to the position at hand. I want to hear more about your job or volunteer experience that relates to my field rather than the fact that you worked at a coffee shop in your teens. It also shows that you took the time to think about the position you are applying for. SHOW ME THAT YOU CARE about what you are applying for by taking a little bit of extra time on your application. We had several people who applied for our two -very different- position openings with the exact same cover letter and resume. It gets noticed. It does. Especially when on your cover letter you don't even bother to change the title of the job you are applying between one application to the other.
Fourth, GET A THESAURUS! Read it, use it, become friends with it, make mad passionate love to it and then marry it if you need to make an honest woman of it later…..cause if I have to read one more application that says the person has a "passion for" or is "passionate" about something, I might scream.
Fifth, we know when you are full of bullshit….so knock it off already. Buzz words will kill you, especially if you don't know how to use them correctly. Cultural competency is thrown around a lot, it is a goal that one seeks….but no one ever achieves it. So don't tell me that you are "culturally competent" about the universe in general. If the job sounds like it has a specific focus...say...like Prevention, and the position announcements asks for someone to be knowledgeable about primary prevention strategies and current research.....that actually means something a little bit more than you saying you are qualified because you think sexual violence is bad. It is a real thing we are referencing. If you don't know what it is....don't say that you do and then try to cover it up. And sentences like this describing your objective in employment: "Professional individual seeking to join a team committed to the highest quality legal service through personal integrity and dedication to its' clients exceeding their expectations". What the fuck does that mean? Or items like this: "After reading about the highest quality of exceptional service provided by [My agency] to its' clients, I am confident that I will add to the committed and dedicated team with my broad range of skills". Yeah….we all know that you are using some silly template that you found on the internet somewhere.
So what should you do?
Be real.
Our agency wants to hire a real person. Someone who is honest, attentive, and yes….perhaps even a little quirky....they will fit in better here that way. You can still be yourself and impress a potential employer. Write me a cover letter that talks about the work you have done and how you feel about the world you are applying to, and then make sure that your resume is consistent with your cover letter. Show me that you care by doing more than just attaching a document to an email. You need a job, we need an employee….we can be discerning even if you aren't in deciding who or what you are going to apply to.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Update on the Lil Bro and the Haunted House
We all know that I am super proud of my lil bro and his work at the haunted house Nightmare on 13th. He's designed and built a good hunk of the building this year and is the cast director. Attached is one of the many news spots to come..... plus....he's Dr. Nightmare.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Why Can't People Just Say That You Have the Wrong Number?
It isn't a huge request. It really isn't.
So today I sent a text to someone who I hadn't contacted in probably a year. And I immediately get a response back saying "Hello!" Then starts a very odd text conversation-
My response: Hi [name omitted]! I was hoping that this number was still a good one for you.
Their response: Wow. What was the pic u sent?
My response: There was no picture, only text.
Their response: Ah...it said multimedia but i could not see ur first mssg.
So I reexplain my original message to them....
Their response: thank u so who is this?
So.....I reexplain who I am and why I was contacting them.
Their response: oh. i remember u. super cute.
Somewhere in the soundtrack playing in my life is the screech of a needle being dragged across a record. This seems like an odd response from someone who I believed to be a woman in her 60s....but to each their own right? Maybe.
They asked: Debbie would u be interested in hooking up 4 some wild fun?
My response: No. I thought that this was someone else. I'll remove this number from my contacts list.
Their response: Ok but i would love to lick ur pussy and fuck.
Uhhh..... who the hell responds this way to a complete stranger who has gotten the wrong number? I mean really?
What. The. Hell.
And on the other side of this....what if I was a total creeper and said "Sure, your use of "ur" instead of "your" really 'sends me baby'. Name the place and I'll be there with no underwear on."
C'mon really? What sort of effect does a statement like that ever really hope to have?
Couldn't it have just been easier to either not respond to the text or just write "I'm sorry, but I think that you have the wrong number"?
So today I sent a text to someone who I hadn't contacted in probably a year. And I immediately get a response back saying "Hello!" Then starts a very odd text conversation-
My response: Hi [name omitted]! I was hoping that this number was still a good one for you.
Their response: Wow. What was the pic u sent?
My response: There was no picture, only text.
Their response: Ah...it said multimedia but i could not see ur first mssg.
So I reexplain my original message to them....
Their response: thank u so who is this?
So.....I reexplain who I am and why I was contacting them.
Their response: oh. i remember u. super cute.
Somewhere in the soundtrack playing in my life is the screech of a needle being dragged across a record. This seems like an odd response from someone who I believed to be a woman in her 60s....but to each their own right? Maybe.
They asked: Debbie would u be interested in hooking up 4 some wild fun?
My response: No. I thought that this was someone else. I'll remove this number from my contacts list.
Their response: Ok but i would love to lick ur pussy and fuck.
Uhhh..... who the hell responds this way to a complete stranger who has gotten the wrong number? I mean really?
What. The. Hell.
And on the other side of this....what if I was a total creeper and said "Sure, your use of "ur" instead of "your" really 'sends me baby'. Name the place and I'll be there with no underwear on."
C'mon really? What sort of effect does a statement like that ever really hope to have?
Couldn't it have just been easier to either not respond to the text or just write "I'm sorry, but I think that you have the wrong number"?
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
It only leads to trouble...
I can't tell if it's my neighbors that are weird or just the world we live in. While I was excited to finally get to the stage of hanging out over a beer with the voyeur neighbor.... The end of the beer was a weird conversation of about how "mean" I was because I was honest and said that I wouldn't go to bed with him. Although our conversation did get repeated alot because he was quite drunk...
In any case though, it brings up an interesting point. When did it get to be ok for a guy to be all sad and complainy when a girl stands her ground and says no? Seriously? Even after I explain what coercion is? In very explicit detail?
When did it get ok to excuse bad behavior because you're drunk?
And since I'm pondering the deep unanswerable questions..... Why is it that these strange situations happen with people on the days where I end up making a failed play with the person I wanted? Is this karma's way of telling me that I should just stop trying? Or is the universe just helping me out by lumping all the incidents into one day for speed and efficiency's sake?
Plus, I'm starting to get really annoyed that married men and drunk men can tell me how great they think I am, but the single sober ones can only see me as the girl they can talk to about how other hotter girls confuse them.
Mah....
In any case though, it brings up an interesting point. When did it get to be ok for a guy to be all sad and complainy when a girl stands her ground and says no? Seriously? Even after I explain what coercion is? In very explicit detail?
When did it get ok to excuse bad behavior because you're drunk?
And since I'm pondering the deep unanswerable questions..... Why is it that these strange situations happen with people on the days where I end up making a failed play with the person I wanted? Is this karma's way of telling me that I should just stop trying? Or is the universe just helping me out by lumping all the incidents into one day for speed and efficiency's sake?
Plus, I'm starting to get really annoyed that married men and drunk men can tell me how great they think I am, but the single sober ones can only see me as the girl they can talk to about how other hotter girls confuse them.
Mah....
Friday, July 20, 2012
Diving Backwards
Last night I kinda went out on a limb and attended an "Intuitive Q&A" evening. The best (and most concise way) of describing the event was that it was a group reading. Everyone in the group would ask one question and the "readers" would draw tarot cards, use numerology, and/or draw upon their psychic energy to answer the person's question. It was an interesting night, and I enjoyed it very much. Part of me was worried that I would find the whole thing incredibly fake, but everyone felt very genuine. I guess that this is a sign that I spend too much time with people who want to practice magick and are looking for rituals and incantations to do something which other people can do naturally. I guess this means that I believe that there are certain people who have special abilities....not something like traditional scifi superpowers....but that those people have a more open and active channel with the collective consciousness of the universe. But I digress...and trust me....I could joke about the "magick" people all day.
Of course, with any event of this nature, my first concern was whether or not the readers could really "read" me. I've had other people in my life say that they can read me easily....and I let them think that. I rarely let my inner nature be seen....and even then, it is only with people who I trust explicitly. Most of the questions in the group were specific to jobs, lives, the regular cares and worries of everyday life. My question, and really the reason why I wanted to come to this event to begin with, was about how to tap into something that I didn't realize that I had bottled up. I have had several instances lately where (for lack of any more concrete terms that can be found) I've felt that my energy and the energy that I am capable of projecting has been bottled up. It keeps popping out and I would like it to do that more but I don't want it to explode under all the pressure it is apparently packaged up with. For example, I love teaching yoga, and after every class I feel....powerful. Almost radiating with it. And not powerful in the sense that I am going to take over the world (that is on a completely different to-do list) but powerful in the sense that I am projecting all the love, hope, and sense of possibility that is out there in the universe. I want to be able to use this more...and I figured that if anyone could assist me, the people in that room could.
Their insights and advice hit to my core:
"The word that seems to come to me that you are always worried about is appropiateness" (ouch, true.)
"You come into each room, evaluate how everyone else is feeling and then match yourself to fit into them." (ouch, true)
"You need to stop worrying about the appropriateness...."(at this point I'm making faces cause I'm annoyed that I am crying) "....you need to be comfortable with projecting that true self, because it is what makes you a great teacher" (ouch, again true, dammit)
"The other word that comes to me is 'sage'. You're a sage and you're hiding it." (At this point everyone looks at me in the group with a look of 'shit they're right, why are you denying us'?)
At this point I was called on the spot to dispel my 'wisdom'. And uh.....being called on the spot like that is not easy.....plus what in the hell do you say? We all closed our eyes and breathed for a moment and I spoke when I was ready. To be honest, I don't remember what I said, and no one in that room could remember the specific words either. Which is a little funny, because I said something along the lines that we needed to be comfortable with those times when words fail, or there are no words...something like that. Anyway, half the room was crying....and I felt generally uncomfortable and that I had taken over someone else's party.
They definitely tapped into what I've been feeling for a while, but it sounds crazy and like I am bragging to admit those things to other people. I didn't really want to be called a 'sage', because my first thought was 'but who loves a sage'? Sages have followers, people that love them yes, but do they have someone as a significant other who joins them on that journey? No. Sages are fairly notorious for being single their whole lives. Maybe I need to read more and see if Nesrudin Hoja had a wife.' And I guess that I can think of another person who is a sage and is married. But they are both men. If anyone can give me an example of a prominent female sage who has a significant other, I would love to see it. Cause the reality of it feels heavy....not just the lack of a partner thing, but the responsibility of the weight my words could carry with others.
The primary advice I was given was to start noticing when I was being "appropriate" and to stop it. Yeah.....that is going to take a while to start noticing because it has been a lifetime habit and an incredibly effective way for me to move through this world. If everyone would just have their eyes closed, or allow me to have my eyes closed during these 'sage-like' moments I would feel better. It kinda feels like the anxiety that I get when I sing. I know that I can, that I have a decent voice, but I am petrified to sing in front of others...even though I really really want to.
Just after the session, the guy sitting next to me told me that when I was called on the spot he had an image of me of me in his mind. In his image he saw me standing on the edge of a diving board with my back towards the pool, and that I jumped off backwards from the board when I spoke....and there was no splash, just silence as I slid quietly into the pool.
So.....here's to no splashing....
Of course, with any event of this nature, my first concern was whether or not the readers could really "read" me. I've had other people in my life say that they can read me easily....and I let them think that. I rarely let my inner nature be seen....and even then, it is only with people who I trust explicitly. Most of the questions in the group were specific to jobs, lives, the regular cares and worries of everyday life. My question, and really the reason why I wanted to come to this event to begin with, was about how to tap into something that I didn't realize that I had bottled up. I have had several instances lately where (for lack of any more concrete terms that can be found) I've felt that my energy and the energy that I am capable of projecting has been bottled up. It keeps popping out and I would like it to do that more but I don't want it to explode under all the pressure it is apparently packaged up with. For example, I love teaching yoga, and after every class I feel....powerful. Almost radiating with it. And not powerful in the sense that I am going to take over the world (that is on a completely different to-do list) but powerful in the sense that I am projecting all the love, hope, and sense of possibility that is out there in the universe. I want to be able to use this more...and I figured that if anyone could assist me, the people in that room could.
Their insights and advice hit to my core:
"The word that seems to come to me that you are always worried about is appropiateness" (ouch, true.)
"You come into each room, evaluate how everyone else is feeling and then match yourself to fit into them." (ouch, true)
"You need to stop worrying about the appropriateness...."(at this point I'm making faces cause I'm annoyed that I am crying) "....you need to be comfortable with projecting that true self, because it is what makes you a great teacher" (ouch, again true, dammit)
"The other word that comes to me is 'sage'. You're a sage and you're hiding it." (At this point everyone looks at me in the group with a look of 'shit they're right, why are you denying us'?)
At this point I was called on the spot to dispel my 'wisdom'. And uh.....being called on the spot like that is not easy.....plus what in the hell do you say? We all closed our eyes and breathed for a moment and I spoke when I was ready. To be honest, I don't remember what I said, and no one in that room could remember the specific words either. Which is a little funny, because I said something along the lines that we needed to be comfortable with those times when words fail, or there are no words...something like that. Anyway, half the room was crying....and I felt generally uncomfortable and that I had taken over someone else's party.
They definitely tapped into what I've been feeling for a while, but it sounds crazy and like I am bragging to admit those things to other people. I didn't really want to be called a 'sage', because my first thought was 'but who loves a sage'? Sages have followers, people that love them yes, but do they have someone as a significant other who joins them on that journey? No. Sages are fairly notorious for being single their whole lives. Maybe I need to read more and see if Nesrudin Hoja had a wife.' And I guess that I can think of another person who is a sage and is married. But they are both men. If anyone can give me an example of a prominent female sage who has a significant other, I would love to see it. Cause the reality of it feels heavy....not just the lack of a partner thing, but the responsibility of the weight my words could carry with others.
The primary advice I was given was to start noticing when I was being "appropriate" and to stop it. Yeah.....that is going to take a while to start noticing because it has been a lifetime habit and an incredibly effective way for me to move through this world. If everyone would just have their eyes closed, or allow me to have my eyes closed during these 'sage-like' moments I would feel better. It kinda feels like the anxiety that I get when I sing. I know that I can, that I have a decent voice, but I am petrified to sing in front of others...even though I really really want to.
Just after the session, the guy sitting next to me told me that when I was called on the spot he had an image of me of me in his mind. In his image he saw me standing on the edge of a diving board with my back towards the pool, and that I jumped off backwards from the board when I spoke....and there was no splash, just silence as I slid quietly into the pool.
So.....here's to no splashing....
Monday, July 02, 2012
Random things I love about GV summits
1. How people always complain about jetlag....but honestly if you are up half the night discussing citizen media in a global context you can't blame jetlag on your sleep deprivation.
2. Your panelists are tweeting while they are on the panel speaking.
3. The Internet postings of attendees complaining about everyone else making the Internet slow down.
4. No one complains that you are playing on your phone during a presentation because they are on their laptop waiting for your tweet/blog post to show up in their feed.
5. Even the most mundane of errands become an epic adventure.
2. Your panelists are tweeting while they are on the panel speaking.
3. The Internet postings of attendees complaining about everyone else making the Internet slow down.
4. No one complains that you are playing on your phone during a presentation because they are on their laptop waiting for your tweet/blog post to show up in their feed.
5. Even the most mundane of errands become an epic adventure.
Monday, June 25, 2012
A short letter to the guy that I wish I had NOT given my number to
Dear Neighbor,
I completely regret giving you my phone number. It was a moment of weakness....and in hindsight, stupidity on my part in assuming that this could turn into a friendship instead of the awkward state of epic awkwardness that it has become.
I don't care that you had a dream about me. I definitely don't care if you feel guilty about this dream. But, don't call me at the crack of dawn on a Sunday morning and "confess" this to me thinking that this would be a valid seduction technique. It isn't. And it has also had the exact opposite effect that you wanted.
Seeing that your apartment building is less than 20 feet away from my home, you can easily see when I am or am not home. You can also see that when the lights are off at my house, that I am most likely in bed. So don't call me when you know that I am out helping my brother move into my house and then get annoyed that I am not answering....especially after I TOLD YOU that I would not be available to talk. Also, don't send me text messages after midnight asking me if I am "buzy". Yes, I am. I'm fricking sleeping.
You don't love me. You hardly know me. What you see is a round white girl that can seem to take care of herself...and possibly you as well. That will not happen.
Also, you seem to believe that if I would just come over to your house and watch a movie with you....and of course, let you kiss me....that I would suddenly fall madly in love with you. Even though I enjoy them very much....life is not a Walt Disney fairy tale. A kiss does NOT make someone fall magically in love with someone else. It may make them lust after a person, but not love. Also, I am NOT a princess. If I am anything, I am a Queen. Therefore, I am NOT looking for a prince to sweep me off of my feet and carry me away into the sunset. I am looking for a King- an equal, who will rule by my side.
I know you're trying to roll with your A-game here. It's not working. You aren't going to get into my house, my pants, or my heart.
me
I completely regret giving you my phone number. It was a moment of weakness....and in hindsight, stupidity on my part in assuming that this could turn into a friendship instead of the awkward state of epic awkwardness that it has become.
I don't care that you had a dream about me. I definitely don't care if you feel guilty about this dream. But, don't call me at the crack of dawn on a Sunday morning and "confess" this to me thinking that this would be a valid seduction technique. It isn't. And it has also had the exact opposite effect that you wanted.
Seeing that your apartment building is less than 20 feet away from my home, you can easily see when I am or am not home. You can also see that when the lights are off at my house, that I am most likely in bed. So don't call me when you know that I am out helping my brother move into my house and then get annoyed that I am not answering....especially after I TOLD YOU that I would not be available to talk. Also, don't send me text messages after midnight asking me if I am "buzy". Yes, I am. I'm fricking sleeping.
You don't love me. You hardly know me. What you see is a round white girl that can seem to take care of herself...and possibly you as well. That will not happen.
Also, you seem to believe that if I would just come over to your house and watch a movie with you....and of course, let you kiss me....that I would suddenly fall madly in love with you. Even though I enjoy them very much....life is not a Walt Disney fairy tale. A kiss does NOT make someone fall magically in love with someone else. It may make them lust after a person, but not love. Also, I am NOT a princess. If I am anything, I am a Queen. Therefore, I am NOT looking for a prince to sweep me off of my feet and carry me away into the sunset. I am looking for a King- an equal, who will rule by my side.
I know you're trying to roll with your A-game here. It's not working. You aren't going to get into my house, my pants, or my heart.
me
Monday, June 18, 2012
Witness what happens when the lil bro and I make a father's day video
Limited time awesomeness for your viewing pleasure!
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Apparently the caretaker of my house is a homeless man....
or something along that nature.
I have an awesome landlord who always seems to have a workman for one thing or another....someone does the garden, another mows the lawn, someone shovels the sidewalks. Its a good system and I am quite fond of it. You get used to workmen floating around, and I am normally not concerned because I always keep my doors locked.
A few years ago we had a crotchety old man named Burt who sorta managed the property. He was only really any good at changing out the front porch light bulbs....because I am still waiting for the light in my guest room closet to be fixed...for a couple of years now. Anyway, it seemed that Burt was replaced, and about a month or so ago, I noticed a new handyman doing work around the house.
This is where I seem like a horrible person....but I never bothered to ask the guy his name. I was perfectly happy just to wave at the guy as I was leaving the house.
So the past couple of weeks this guy has been around the house- A LOT. He goes out of his way to talk to me about the raking of the tree blossoms and how he has tried to stay on top of it. He's knocked on my door at 9pm to explain to me that he put the garbage out to the street. And (today makes this twice) he has come out of absolutely nowhere and scared the hell out of me as I was getting out of my car to tell me about...something. He's repeats himself alot, and while he seems really sweet, he also doesn't seem like he is all there. I do alot smiling and nodding.
His desire to talk to me all the time is getting excessive. When he talked to me this afternoon (when I got out of my car and startled me) the lil bro heard me yell and came out onto the back porch thinking that some random homeless man was bothering me.
Oddly enough, he was kinda right. The old guy- whose name I found out was Larry- was rambling about how my landlord was over-reacting to something and that his apartment was supposed to be open on Friday and that he had no other choice etc, etc.
At this point, I thought that I should talk to my landlord. She used to employ the guy years ago and then he just disappeared. He reappeared a few weeks ago offering his services as a caretaker. He would come to her door every few days, detail whatever yardwork he had done, etc..and then tell her that the work was worth $3, $5, some figure. She would pay him when she could, but kept telling him that she really didn't need him to do the work as there were other people that she paid to do that. Yesterday, my landlord's husband saw him coming out of the downstairs apartment area (which is not open or rented currently) at about six in the morning. Then this morning, they found a grey tarp with his belongings in it stuffed behind the front bushes. I've seen this tarp circulating around the yard in odd spots for about two weeks now, but never made any connections with it. With all of the times that we have walked around my neighborhood and played the "if I was homeless I would live there" game, I never thought to play it in my own yard.
The situation is sad to say the least. He is older and constantly seems to have a dripping nose. He normally is fairly well kempt....but today was the first day that I noticed him being "rough" at all. He's never asked me for anything but a wave and a smile...never asked me for money or food. He just wants to work. He is in such contrast to the people who you find begging on corners all the time. In any case, my landlord is going to contact the homeless shelter tomorrow and see if she can arrange for him to have a place to stay. She had her suspicions about him, but until talking with my brother and I could not confirm things. I hope that she finds a place for Larry. He shouldn't have to be out in the hot sun raking all day for a few dollars. He should be able to sleep someplace safe and warm.
I have an awesome landlord who always seems to have a workman for one thing or another....someone does the garden, another mows the lawn, someone shovels the sidewalks. Its a good system and I am quite fond of it. You get used to workmen floating around, and I am normally not concerned because I always keep my doors locked.
A few years ago we had a crotchety old man named Burt who sorta managed the property. He was only really any good at changing out the front porch light bulbs....because I am still waiting for the light in my guest room closet to be fixed...for a couple of years now. Anyway, it seemed that Burt was replaced, and about a month or so ago, I noticed a new handyman doing work around the house.
This is where I seem like a horrible person....but I never bothered to ask the guy his name. I was perfectly happy just to wave at the guy as I was leaving the house.
So the past couple of weeks this guy has been around the house- A LOT. He goes out of his way to talk to me about the raking of the tree blossoms and how he has tried to stay on top of it. He's knocked on my door at 9pm to explain to me that he put the garbage out to the street. And (today makes this twice) he has come out of absolutely nowhere and scared the hell out of me as I was getting out of my car to tell me about...something. He's repeats himself alot, and while he seems really sweet, he also doesn't seem like he is all there. I do alot smiling and nodding.
His desire to talk to me all the time is getting excessive. When he talked to me this afternoon (when I got out of my car and startled me) the lil bro heard me yell and came out onto the back porch thinking that some random homeless man was bothering me.
Oddly enough, he was kinda right. The old guy- whose name I found out was Larry- was rambling about how my landlord was over-reacting to something and that his apartment was supposed to be open on Friday and that he had no other choice etc, etc.
At this point, I thought that I should talk to my landlord. She used to employ the guy years ago and then he just disappeared. He reappeared a few weeks ago offering his services as a caretaker. He would come to her door every few days, detail whatever yardwork he had done, etc..and then tell her that the work was worth $3, $5, some figure. She would pay him when she could, but kept telling him that she really didn't need him to do the work as there were other people that she paid to do that. Yesterday, my landlord's husband saw him coming out of the downstairs apartment area (which is not open or rented currently) at about six in the morning. Then this morning, they found a grey tarp with his belongings in it stuffed behind the front bushes. I've seen this tarp circulating around the yard in odd spots for about two weeks now, but never made any connections with it. With all of the times that we have walked around my neighborhood and played the "if I was homeless I would live there" game, I never thought to play it in my own yard.
The situation is sad to say the least. He is older and constantly seems to have a dripping nose. He normally is fairly well kempt....but today was the first day that I noticed him being "rough" at all. He's never asked me for anything but a wave and a smile...never asked me for money or food. He just wants to work. He is in such contrast to the people who you find begging on corners all the time. In any case, my landlord is going to contact the homeless shelter tomorrow and see if she can arrange for him to have a place to stay. She had her suspicions about him, but until talking with my brother and I could not confirm things. I hope that she finds a place for Larry. He shouldn't have to be out in the hot sun raking all day for a few dollars. He should be able to sleep someplace safe and warm.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Shock
I apparently have retained the ability to be absolutely shocked, which is an amazing thing in itself because I consider myself fairly worldly. I know that I will never truly understand everything that I encounter....but I didn't think that I could be shocked to the core. Today, an acquaintance of mine, through a discussion on Facebook, noted to me that he doesn't believe in evolution. I know that there are lots of people out there who do not believe in evolution, and I have definitely have some preconceptions about them. People who believe that every aspect of the bible is true and not allegory. These are people that I don't consort with because I know that they hold opinions antithetical to my own.....especially in areas about LGBT populations. And yes, I will admit that I believe this non-evolution-believing-stereotype are also people who are not very intelligent.
This situation is really forcing me to rethink this stereotype and also what I consider in someone who is intelligent. Because this person knows so much, and is well read.....but he doesn't question. And I'm beginning to think that a person's ability to question is more important than how many books they have read or years in school that they have spent.
One of his reasonings behind not believing in evolution was that science wasn't 100% accurate. I will concede this, but then again, it must also be recognized that faith and religion is also not 100% accurate. We should hold both things up to the same standard. I firmly believe in evolution. There is an overwhelming amount of scientific evidence showing that it exists and so I accept it. Likewise, the existence of God cannot be 100% proven, but I have also seen enough evidence to show me that a force of creation (and whatever name you wish to ascribe to it) exists, therefore I also accept it. But he can't seem to do that.
This has totally blown my mind. I also can't seem to just let it go. I don't want to debate with him further on it because I don't think that he will change his mind, or even concede that even in the slightest bit that evolution is a possibility.
This is also a dealbreaker for me I've learned. His admission to me is more damning than any other information that I could learn about him. I also know that I could never be with someone (not that I have EVER thought of this guy in this way---but in general terms) who did not believe in evolution. I might have to start asking this question on dates.
In conclusion....you can read everything ever written, you can recite or regurgitate every fact that you have come across, you could have advance degrees filling up your wall.....but if you can't question what you believe, what you read, and/or what other people tell you is the truth.....I'm gonna think you are an idiot.
This situation is really forcing me to rethink this stereotype and also what I consider in someone who is intelligent. Because this person knows so much, and is well read.....but he doesn't question. And I'm beginning to think that a person's ability to question is more important than how many books they have read or years in school that they have spent.
One of his reasonings behind not believing in evolution was that science wasn't 100% accurate. I will concede this, but then again, it must also be recognized that faith and religion is also not 100% accurate. We should hold both things up to the same standard. I firmly believe in evolution. There is an overwhelming amount of scientific evidence showing that it exists and so I accept it. Likewise, the existence of God cannot be 100% proven, but I have also seen enough evidence to show me that a force of creation (and whatever name you wish to ascribe to it) exists, therefore I also accept it. But he can't seem to do that.
This has totally blown my mind. I also can't seem to just let it go. I don't want to debate with him further on it because I don't think that he will change his mind, or even concede that even in the slightest bit that evolution is a possibility.
This is also a dealbreaker for me I've learned. His admission to me is more damning than any other information that I could learn about him. I also know that I could never be with someone (not that I have EVER thought of this guy in this way---but in general terms) who did not believe in evolution. I might have to start asking this question on dates.
In conclusion....you can read everything ever written, you can recite or regurgitate every fact that you have come across, you could have advance degrees filling up your wall.....but if you can't question what you believe, what you read, and/or what other people tell you is the truth.....I'm gonna think you are an idiot.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Announcing 2012's Hare-brained Scheme
How many years do you have to do something before it becomes a tradition? Well, this will make it three years in a row of having a hare-brained scheme. Schemes are different than yearly resolutions...mainly because they are measurable, public, and life altering.
The first year of hare-brained schemes was in 2010, when I decided to train for a 5k and meet a lifetime fitness goal of running a mile. Bought some expensive shoes, did a couple 5ks and came in last at pretty much all of them....but I finished and that was the important part. It drastically changed my fitness level and outlook of what my body is truly capable of....and reinforced my general sense of awesomeness.
Hare-brained scheme 2011 was to become a yoga instructor. I graduate from the program next month. I also start teaching officially next month (Curvy Yoga!)....and I'll be starting a website devoted strictly to yoga and body awareness in order to let all the beautiful round people of the Salt Lake area have an opportunity to savasana with me. More on that will be announced here on this blog....when I finally have everything in a format in which I want others to see it.
So now.... for hare-brained scheme 2012! I am now volunteering as a victim advocate for Unified Police Department (UPD). At this point, not much has happened except filling out an application and two completely uneventful nights of being on-call. Why this? Mainly because while at UCASA I have been training others on how to be an advocate for themselves and others....I need the experience myself as well. I kinda equate it to learning theory in school and then finally having a job where you can apply all that theory you have learned to the real world. Mainly, if there is a crisis call on nights and weekends where an officer needs an advocate to assist with victims of crime and trauma, I could be called out. I still have alot to learn...police procedures, dispatch protocol, and a little more on working specifically with domestic violence....and I'll be shadowing other advocates for a while before I will be ready to head to a scene on my own. Rather than volunteering for hospital response at the local rape crisis program, I would be responding to victims of a variety of violence not just sexual. And I will have the added ability of learning after the initial contact about what happened to the victim if I want. I don't think that I could emotionally handle working with a victim on the worst day of their life during the worst medical exam that they will ever get and then having no contact with them. Working with UPD gives me more of an option for followup, which I think will help me better handle any vicarious trauma I might experience.
That's that... the scheme has been announced!
Now go back to your regular business.
The first year of hare-brained schemes was in 2010, when I decided to train for a 5k and meet a lifetime fitness goal of running a mile. Bought some expensive shoes, did a couple 5ks and came in last at pretty much all of them....but I finished and that was the important part. It drastically changed my fitness level and outlook of what my body is truly capable of....and reinforced my general sense of awesomeness.
Hare-brained scheme 2011 was to become a yoga instructor. I graduate from the program next month. I also start teaching officially next month (Curvy Yoga!)....and I'll be starting a website devoted strictly to yoga and body awareness in order to let all the beautiful round people of the Salt Lake area have an opportunity to savasana with me. More on that will be announced here on this blog....when I finally have everything in a format in which I want others to see it.
So now.... for hare-brained scheme 2012! I am now volunteering as a victim advocate for Unified Police Department (UPD). At this point, not much has happened except filling out an application and two completely uneventful nights of being on-call. Why this? Mainly because while at UCASA I have been training others on how to be an advocate for themselves and others....I need the experience myself as well. I kinda equate it to learning theory in school and then finally having a job where you can apply all that theory you have learned to the real world. Mainly, if there is a crisis call on nights and weekends where an officer needs an advocate to assist with victims of crime and trauma, I could be called out. I still have alot to learn...police procedures, dispatch protocol, and a little more on working specifically with domestic violence....and I'll be shadowing other advocates for a while before I will be ready to head to a scene on my own. Rather than volunteering for hospital response at the local rape crisis program, I would be responding to victims of a variety of violence not just sexual. And I will have the added ability of learning after the initial contact about what happened to the victim if I want. I don't think that I could emotionally handle working with a victim on the worst day of their life during the worst medical exam that they will ever get and then having no contact with them. Working with UPD gives me more of an option for followup, which I think will help me better handle any vicarious trauma I might experience.
That's that... the scheme has been announced!
Now go back to your regular business.
Saturday, May 05, 2012
A poem, of sorts.....as of yet untitled
I miss writing
almost as much as I miss wanting to be a writer
or grand poetess
of one of those incredible literary types that can quote long and obscure passages from the extended works of this author or that.
I tried that once....to be that type.
I quoted an entire Shakespeare sonnet to a friend at lunch
one of those sonnets written to the dark lady
that at one time when I
felt-
impacted me.
a sonnet that proved that I read more than just the "best of" pieces that all the ordinary people read.
I will never forget the look on my lunch companion's face
awe
reverence
arousal
It made me feel smart
powerful
But lets be honest.....even if I could quote all the now obscure philosophers and poets of the world...
is there still an audience?
I talk about this person I want to be
cultured
educated
I may own the books that house the thoughts of those obscure intellectuals
But I don't have time to read them
Instead I carry the books around me in the house
finding comfort being surrounded by these stacks of wisdom
This actually makes my bookshelf the cultured, intellectual one
and me something more akin to an illiterate dreamer that lives in a library
In any case,
I miss this self that I wanted to be,
the writer
who now spends more time criticizing and editing the grammar mistakes of others on Facebook
then taking up pen to paper and making grammar mistakes of my own.
almost as much as I miss wanting to be a writer
or grand poetess
of one of those incredible literary types that can quote long and obscure passages from the extended works of this author or that.
I tried that once....to be that type.
I quoted an entire Shakespeare sonnet to a friend at lunch
one of those sonnets written to the dark lady
that at one time when I
felt-
impacted me.
a sonnet that proved that I read more than just the "best of" pieces that all the ordinary people read.
I will never forget the look on my lunch companion's face
awe
reverence
arousal
It made me feel smart
powerful
But lets be honest.....even if I could quote all the now obscure philosophers and poets of the world...
is there still an audience?
I talk about this person I want to be
cultured
educated
I may own the books that house the thoughts of those obscure intellectuals
But I don't have time to read them
Instead I carry the books around me in the house
finding comfort being surrounded by these stacks of wisdom
This actually makes my bookshelf the cultured, intellectual one
and me something more akin to an illiterate dreamer that lives in a library
In any case,
I miss this self that I wanted to be,
the writer
who now spends more time criticizing and editing the grammar mistakes of others on Facebook
then taking up pen to paper and making grammar mistakes of my own.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Apparently, shaking my fist in anger was a good thing
Who knew?
Today has been one of those days where things that could have gone wrong, have gone very well instead.
Installation guy came late.....which was ok because I had forgotten he was coming at all until he called which gave me a chance to get dressed. He gave me a $25 gift card for being late. Then he ended up taking twice as long as anticipated doing the work and gave me another $25 gift card. Which I am going to donate to our awards ceremony at my office....not out of altruistic reasons, but because it gives me a HUGE amount of breathing room. Also, his lateness meant that I got to work some extra hours on job 3 while I was waiting, and now I have made up the 1.5 hours I was bitching about yesterday.
Had Yoga Teacher Training last night and found out that everyone has been dealing with strange emotional craziness.....so I can chalk some things up to mass hysteria. Thank you universe.
Also had a meeting on some grant stuff at work which was very enlightening and new changes that we need to make at work are not as scary as they sounded earlier in the week. Plus, a grant payment check arrived today and anyday where I can deposit money for the office means less stressing about the books later.
September doesn't feel so far away today, which means that the HBM withdrawal is subsiding. And the feelings of general twitterpation have returned.
So yeah.....apparently shaking my fist, a grumpy face, and a foot stamp was enough to set the world straight....who knew?
Today has been one of those days where things that could have gone wrong, have gone very well instead.
Installation guy came late.....which was ok because I had forgotten he was coming at all until he called which gave me a chance to get dressed. He gave me a $25 gift card for being late. Then he ended up taking twice as long as anticipated doing the work and gave me another $25 gift card. Which I am going to donate to our awards ceremony at my office....not out of altruistic reasons, but because it gives me a HUGE amount of breathing room. Also, his lateness meant that I got to work some extra hours on job 3 while I was waiting, and now I have made up the 1.5 hours I was bitching about yesterday.
Had Yoga Teacher Training last night and found out that everyone has been dealing with strange emotional craziness.....so I can chalk some things up to mass hysteria. Thank you universe.
Also had a meeting on some grant stuff at work which was very enlightening and new changes that we need to make at work are not as scary as they sounded earlier in the week. Plus, a grant payment check arrived today and anyday where I can deposit money for the office means less stressing about the books later.
September doesn't feel so far away today, which means that the HBM withdrawal is subsiding. And the feelings of general twitterpation have returned.
So yeah.....apparently shaking my fist, a grumpy face, and a foot stamp was enough to set the world straight....who knew?
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Time, I shake my fist in your general direction....
I also shake my fist in the general direction of any physicist or astrophysicist alive or dead who has worked on time in any academic capacity.....as well as whoever wrote the ridiculously long and horrifically vague definition of time in my Webster's New World Dictionary.
Cause, I gotta say....the fact that time can be abstract and concrete at the same "period or interval" is damned annoying. Last week felt like a month ago, this week has already left, and today definitely does not feel like a Thursday.....and of course, we all know that Thursdays are my arch-nemesis anyway, so this only deepened the problems and issues that I have relating to time or "a period characterized by a prevailing condition".
As, of course, time can be defined as "a period or occasion with reference to one's personal reaction to it", I am not having what can be termed as a good one. I can't say that it is one thing or a bunch of little things compounding, or just that I am really in need of some sort of lifestyle change....or that something has got to change. Because as I am writing this I am realizing that even my perception of all the craziness going on inside my head right now is just as abstract and concrete as time or "a period of history, characterized by a given social structure, set of customs, etc."
Libby told me the other day that I need to decide what I need to start giving up. I've managed to narrow down at least one option, but ultimately it won't make a big enough impact in the long term. I would love to work less, but then I would need to earn more....which oddly enough means that you have to work really really hard for a while to get that payoff. A couple of weeks ago I had the possibility of a raise and new job one hour and then the next had to be satisfied with applying and interviewing for the same job. I interview next Monday for it, but there has been several moments where I just wanted to pull out my resume and say to hell with it all. Then of course, there is the just general craziness of April at my office and I'm in the middle of planning two events which I will somehow pull off. I have volunteer stuff that I want to do, study groups that I want to attend, and stacks of books that I carry around the house with me because in some deluded way I am hoping that I can absorb their contents by osmosis. In any event, once I am done working on the average day, the last thing that my brain can process is one more written word.
Also to add to this list, because pretending that it isn't there would be an untruth, there is this thing that I have going on with a guy. I'm still trying to think of a good nickname for him here, and I've been playing around with some acronyms that have something to do with the epic-ness of his beard. For the moment, we will use HBM. Anyway, time (or a period of existence) with HBM has been odd. It took us forever to realize that one liked the other, then we had a bunch of awkward but refreshingly honest conversations.... in any case, he's now out of town on a job for a few months, so whatever we had going on has been put on hold until he gets back. He's been gone for 9 days now...and I am still listening to sappy songs that remind me of him and (alas!) tearing up over it. It's fricking crazy.....I'm total silly stupid girl for something that hasn't progressed past a quick peck on the lips. He won't be back until September, and there is no way in hell that I can survive being how I am now for that long....I would be a babbling nervous wreck and in no way desirable to anyone or anything.....or am I already at that point and in so acknowledging that, makes any of this that much more futile?
In order to get my head straight I did write down a list of things that will be happening in the next coming months that I should be focusing on. Which has helped some.....until I look at my to-do list and realize that I haven't sent that email, or that the billing hasn't been completed on that grant, and dear god, I slept in this morning instead of getting up to work and now I am down another 1.5 hours on Job 3. Ugh.
So yeah, time, I shake my fist in your general direction....plus I am going to add a grumpy face AND a foot stamp....cause that is just how mad I am at you right now.
What I really want to do is to go outside and sit in the sun and do nothing.....and think about nothing.....and worry about nothing..... and do that more a really long "period of duration set or thought of as set".
Cause, I gotta say....the fact that time can be abstract and concrete at the same "period or interval" is damned annoying. Last week felt like a month ago, this week has already left, and today definitely does not feel like a Thursday.....and of course, we all know that Thursdays are my arch-nemesis anyway, so this only deepened the problems and issues that I have relating to time or "a period characterized by a prevailing condition".
As, of course, time can be defined as "a period or occasion with reference to one's personal reaction to it", I am not having what can be termed as a good one. I can't say that it is one thing or a bunch of little things compounding, or just that I am really in need of some sort of lifestyle change....or that something has got to change. Because as I am writing this I am realizing that even my perception of all the craziness going on inside my head right now is just as abstract and concrete as time or "a period of history, characterized by a given social structure, set of customs, etc."
Libby told me the other day that I need to decide what I need to start giving up. I've managed to narrow down at least one option, but ultimately it won't make a big enough impact in the long term. I would love to work less, but then I would need to earn more....which oddly enough means that you have to work really really hard for a while to get that payoff. A couple of weeks ago I had the possibility of a raise and new job one hour and then the next had to be satisfied with applying and interviewing for the same job. I interview next Monday for it, but there has been several moments where I just wanted to pull out my resume and say to hell with it all. Then of course, there is the just general craziness of April at my office and I'm in the middle of planning two events which I will somehow pull off. I have volunteer stuff that I want to do, study groups that I want to attend, and stacks of books that I carry around the house with me because in some deluded way I am hoping that I can absorb their contents by osmosis. In any event, once I am done working on the average day, the last thing that my brain can process is one more written word.
Also to add to this list, because pretending that it isn't there would be an untruth, there is this thing that I have going on with a guy. I'm still trying to think of a good nickname for him here, and I've been playing around with some acronyms that have something to do with the epic-ness of his beard. For the moment, we will use HBM. Anyway, time (or a period of existence) with HBM has been odd. It took us forever to realize that one liked the other, then we had a bunch of awkward but refreshingly honest conversations.... in any case, he's now out of town on a job for a few months, so whatever we had going on has been put on hold until he gets back. He's been gone for 9 days now...and I am still listening to sappy songs that remind me of him and (alas!) tearing up over it. It's fricking crazy.....I'm total silly stupid girl for something that hasn't progressed past a quick peck on the lips. He won't be back until September, and there is no way in hell that I can survive being how I am now for that long....I would be a babbling nervous wreck and in no way desirable to anyone or anything.....or am I already at that point and in so acknowledging that, makes any of this that much more futile?
In order to get my head straight I did write down a list of things that will be happening in the next coming months that I should be focusing on. Which has helped some.....until I look at my to-do list and realize that I haven't sent that email, or that the billing hasn't been completed on that grant, and dear god, I slept in this morning instead of getting up to work and now I am down another 1.5 hours on Job 3. Ugh.
So yeah, time, I shake my fist in your general direction....plus I am going to add a grumpy face AND a foot stamp....cause that is just how mad I am at you right now.
What I really want to do is to go outside and sit in the sun and do nothing.....and think about nothing.....and worry about nothing..... and do that more a really long "period of duration set or thought of as set".
Thursday, March 29, 2012
I Want the Hour-Glass Back
One of the obnoxious things about blogging for as long as I have is that things in which you couldn't wait to blog/rant/obsess about online are no longer ok to write about. In the back of my mind I'm always thinking "my Dad might read this" or "what if so-and-so figures out that (insert nickname here) is them" or "but I automatically have it set that my posts show up on Twitter and then therefore on Facebook, everyone will see this". Oh! The heavy weight of adulthood. And there is no way that I am going to start some other password protected blog in which I put all the personal stuff.....cause that is just silly. Silly! I tell you! So, for the moment I will skip telling you how badly I am at trying to date a particular person....and how much of a goober I am over the entire situation.
But I guess that I can tell you that I am desperately trying to figure out how to do Boat pose. Here's a cute little stick figure of it:
It is supposed to activate the lowest layer of my abdominal muscles....which sadly have not been able to work the same as they used to before my gallbladder surgery. I went from having a nice little hour glass/pear shape thing happening to being very apple-like. I have no problem being big, but at least let me keep the fruit-like shape I want! Whenever I try this pose I invariably fall backwards or somehow pull my hip flexor. Last weekend in yoga teacher training we were working on this pose and I was trying to figure out different modifications for it. I discovered that if I used a strap it was very helpful....but it also resulted in me saying something that could only be overheard in a yoga workshop and be benign, and be dirty everywhere else:
"Wow! I normally have a problem keeping my legs closed, but strapping my knees together really helps!"
Once I get this pose to work I'll post a photo of it on this here blog. In the meantime, I leave you with a photo of a statuette that I found and now want badly...and if anyone wants to buy me an expensive gift....
Isn't she cute! It's so me!
I should be done with my yoga teacher training program in June, but I need to start teaching classes towards the end of April-May-ish. When I am finished I'll also be certified in Curvy Yoga....which ranks pretty high on my epic-awesomeness scale.
But I guess that I can tell you that I am desperately trying to figure out how to do Boat pose. Here's a cute little stick figure of it:
It is supposed to activate the lowest layer of my abdominal muscles....which sadly have not been able to work the same as they used to before my gallbladder surgery. I went from having a nice little hour glass/pear shape thing happening to being very apple-like. I have no problem being big, but at least let me keep the fruit-like shape I want! Whenever I try this pose I invariably fall backwards or somehow pull my hip flexor. Last weekend in yoga teacher training we were working on this pose and I was trying to figure out different modifications for it. I discovered that if I used a strap it was very helpful....but it also resulted in me saying something that could only be overheard in a yoga workshop and be benign, and be dirty everywhere else:
"Wow! I normally have a problem keeping my legs closed, but strapping my knees together really helps!"
Once I get this pose to work I'll post a photo of it on this here blog. In the meantime, I leave you with a photo of a statuette that I found and now want badly...and if anyone wants to buy me an expensive gift....
Isn't she cute! It's so me!
I should be done with my yoga teacher training program in June, but I need to start teaching classes towards the end of April-May-ish. When I am finished I'll also be certified in Curvy Yoga....which ranks pretty high on my epic-awesomeness scale.
Monday, March 05, 2012
On Loss...
I learned this weekend that a friend from high school has recently died. How I learned of this was unusual. Apparently if you do a google search of this individual's name and the word Utah, a blog post that I wrote in 2004 pops up. Someone searching for his obituary found my post and they left a series of comments on it.
So for a little bit of post background...Yeah, it doesn't show me in the most positive of lights. I'll be honest about that. I was upset at how he had treated me a few months before, had heard a comment about him on a local radio program, and I made fun of what I had heard of his life and called him a "super senior"....which was not a good thing to be called in the culture of my high school. In 2007 he found the blog post and he commented back calling me a "bitter party of one"....which was really hurtful to me at the time. There was another post done about the topic in 2007 in which we kinda came to an understanding. Since then I haven't heard from or of him. I just assumed that he was living life as everyone else does.
The anonymous commenter basically told me that I was a horrible person for having this post up. I've tried to dialogue with them and even compromised....but to little avail. According to them I should be ashamed of myself and that I should remove my entire blog (not the post but the whole blog) in order to spare the two innocent children that he has left behind.
First off, my compromise was to reduce his name to initials on my blog. Even if I deleted the posts it would still take a while for it to register with the search engine crawlers anyway. And as it is, the post keeps getting lower and lower down on the search list with each hour that goes by. I left up the posts and the comments because they are part of my historical record. I know that it is odd to consider a blog a historical record but it is. Yeah, there are alot of posts in there where I am petty and mean and really really angry. This blog shows me as a flawed person, it shows me as human....but it also shows my growth as a person. I would much rather live on in posterity as a human being, then appear to be some strange super human who appears to be perfect. This is what I would want for myself...and for anyone that I once called a dear friend.
According to this commenter, this makes me an incredibly selfish person who doesn't care about two innocent orphans. In trying to deal with the loss of a old friend, I am also trying to reconcile the grief of this person who commented on my blog. Grief makes us do strange things....like try to make a complete stranger feel guilty about two children that they have never met. I don't think that their anger is really directed at me, but as I happen to be there I am the one that they are lashing out against.
I might feel better about this if I knew the manner of his death. Old high school friends are talking about the fact that he died, and even about how his wife died two years ago from cancer, but no one is talking about how HE died. I think that in a culture (such as the one unique to Utah) that lends itself to gossip and being in everyone's business, that the lack of gossip is very telling. Silence is much much worse than gossip here. The language people have used in reacting to this has been telling....and definitely the words used by the anonymous blog commenter have been telling, especially the use of the word selfish and the concern about the two children left behind.
So what does this all really mean? It means that someone who I used to care very deeply about has passed. I don't want to enshrine his memory, to make him to be some uber-perfect being... I think that the greatness of a man can be weighed by his successes and failures in life, by his ability to love and be loved, to have loss in their lives, to be humble, to be angry, by their personality quirks.... He was a husband, a father, a teacher....he loved and laughed with a gaffaw. He was brilliant on the stage and behind the scenes. He was a man who deserved to be talked about alive and in death. I will remember him as the boy that I wore a matching neck brace with after being involved in a car accident on the night of the Dogpatch school dance. I will remember him as the boy that I used to have drama club hijinks with. I will remember him as the man who wouldn't take no for an answer and did what he loved for a living....not many people find the courage to do that. I will even remember the bad things that he did, the things that annoyed me, or broke my teenage heart because I know that he did them not to hurt anyone (or even with the knowledge that it hurt someone) but that he was honoring who he was. Something that will always ensure my respect of him. But most of all.....
I will remember him: his true, authentic, wonderfully human self.
So for a little bit of post background...Yeah, it doesn't show me in the most positive of lights. I'll be honest about that. I was upset at how he had treated me a few months before, had heard a comment about him on a local radio program, and I made fun of what I had heard of his life and called him a "super senior"....which was not a good thing to be called in the culture of my high school. In 2007 he found the blog post and he commented back calling me a "bitter party of one"....which was really hurtful to me at the time. There was another post done about the topic in 2007 in which we kinda came to an understanding. Since then I haven't heard from or of him. I just assumed that he was living life as everyone else does.
The anonymous commenter basically told me that I was a horrible person for having this post up. I've tried to dialogue with them and even compromised....but to little avail. According to them I should be ashamed of myself and that I should remove my entire blog (not the post but the whole blog) in order to spare the two innocent children that he has left behind.
First off, my compromise was to reduce his name to initials on my blog. Even if I deleted the posts it would still take a while for it to register with the search engine crawlers anyway. And as it is, the post keeps getting lower and lower down on the search list with each hour that goes by. I left up the posts and the comments because they are part of my historical record. I know that it is odd to consider a blog a historical record but it is. Yeah, there are alot of posts in there where I am petty and mean and really really angry. This blog shows me as a flawed person, it shows me as human....but it also shows my growth as a person. I would much rather live on in posterity as a human being, then appear to be some strange super human who appears to be perfect. This is what I would want for myself...and for anyone that I once called a dear friend.
According to this commenter, this makes me an incredibly selfish person who doesn't care about two innocent orphans. In trying to deal with the loss of a old friend, I am also trying to reconcile the grief of this person who commented on my blog. Grief makes us do strange things....like try to make a complete stranger feel guilty about two children that they have never met. I don't think that their anger is really directed at me, but as I happen to be there I am the one that they are lashing out against.
I might feel better about this if I knew the manner of his death. Old high school friends are talking about the fact that he died, and even about how his wife died two years ago from cancer, but no one is talking about how HE died. I think that in a culture (such as the one unique to Utah) that lends itself to gossip and being in everyone's business, that the lack of gossip is very telling. Silence is much much worse than gossip here. The language people have used in reacting to this has been telling....and definitely the words used by the anonymous blog commenter have been telling, especially the use of the word selfish and the concern about the two children left behind.
So what does this all really mean? It means that someone who I used to care very deeply about has passed. I don't want to enshrine his memory, to make him to be some uber-perfect being... I think that the greatness of a man can be weighed by his successes and failures in life, by his ability to love and be loved, to have loss in their lives, to be humble, to be angry, by their personality quirks.... He was a husband, a father, a teacher....he loved and laughed with a gaffaw. He was brilliant on the stage and behind the scenes. He was a man who deserved to be talked about alive and in death. I will remember him as the boy that I wore a matching neck brace with after being involved in a car accident on the night of the Dogpatch school dance. I will remember him as the boy that I used to have drama club hijinks with. I will remember him as the man who wouldn't take no for an answer and did what he loved for a living....not many people find the courage to do that. I will even remember the bad things that he did, the things that annoyed me, or broke my teenage heart because I know that he did them not to hurt anyone (or even with the knowledge that it hurt someone) but that he was honoring who he was. Something that will always ensure my respect of him. But most of all.....
I will remember him: his true, authentic, wonderfully human self.
Thursday, February 09, 2012
Farewell Sturdy Army Bag of Awesomeness
Yes, I write today in mourning for my beloved army bag purse. After 6 years, 4 continents, and countless "how much stuff can that bag hold?" moments....my purse is dead. I once destroyed a hundred-dollar leather bag in a month.....this five-dollar army surplus bag took 6 glorious years to die. I am quite sad about this.
Instead of shopping for another bag....a cringe-worthy activity in itself....I am reusing a bag that I apparently used last in 2003. How do I know the year? Because I am notorious for changing bags and never fully cleaning it out when I change to a new one. The end result is that there are little time capsules inside these bags which I shove into a storage bin. This one had an old paystub in it....and a beautiful gem of epicness.
My first dinner party in my first apartment was a grand affair. It was a fancy dress party in which we all sat on my floor (no chairs really) and played Clue. Best. Party. Ever. And it was co-hosted by the loverly Libby. We gave out handwritten invitations and everyone was given a royal title. So the beautiful gem of epicness? The invitation draft and the guest list were in the bag! So I will share the guest list and the invite here:
I contend that I'm still hot shit.
Oh yeah
Baby
Instead of shopping for another bag....a cringe-worthy activity in itself....I am reusing a bag that I apparently used last in 2003. How do I know the year? Because I am notorious for changing bags and never fully cleaning it out when I change to a new one. The end result is that there are little time capsules inside these bags which I shove into a storage bin. This one had an old paystub in it....and a beautiful gem of epicness.
My first dinner party in my first apartment was a grand affair. It was a fancy dress party in which we all sat on my floor (no chairs really) and played Clue. Best. Party. Ever. And it was co-hosted by the loverly Libby. We gave out handwritten invitations and everyone was given a royal title. So the beautiful gem of epicness? The invitation draft and the guest list were in the bag! So I will share the guest list and the invite here:
The List:
Lady Tara of the Earldom of Dehart
Czarina Ann and her Consort Erik
Emperor Paulus Caesar and Laura Queen of the Nile
Lord Casey and Lady Rebekiah of the House of Phelps
Infanta Rebecca of Spain
Ammon Khan- Most Glorious Conqueror of Brazil
Baron Drew and Baroness Emily
Sir Nick
Duchness Kathryn of Murdock and her companion Duke WhatshisnameIforget
Sultana Deborah and her Concubine Libby
Principessa Lacy
The Invite-
You are cordially invited to an exclusive evening of laughter, tears, inexcusable inebriation, pomposity, pretentiousness, delectable virginal sustenance that will pleasure the most devious of connoisseurs; an evening of unsullied mirth, non-nonsensical gaiety, deplorable revelry, jovial girth, phallic stunts; an evening of stimulating oral tete-a-tetes; an evening with us: Sultana Deborah and her Concubine Libby on Friday November the Twenty-First at Eight in the evening.
Formal dress is required; RSVP requested.
I contend that I'm still hot shit.
Oh yeah
Baby
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