The type of panic where if you were alone you would indulge in some screaming and tears and your average over-the-top hysterics.
But I'm not alone.
I'm at the office....trying to keep it together and I am doing a really REALLY bad job of it.
About 9 times out of 10, in the face of a conflict, I am the cool, calm, and collected one. The one able to sift all the crap out of the way, make a clear picture, to-do list, and then spring into action. Before today, I probably would have would have said "normally", "usually" or "10 out of 10 times".....but right now, in this moment, I am experiencing this one time. So, I'm trying to allow myself a bit of catharsis here in the hopes that I can do something more than just being stuck, frozen, staring at a computer screen.
I'm not even managing cathartic writing very well....cause I keep freezing.
Trying to keep your breath normal is difficult. So is not completely losing it at random things in the office like the scanner that is on strike or the fact that the coffee creamer curdled two days before the "use by" date. Maybe the waves of panic flying off of me curdled it. But it took everything in me not to launch that cup of curdled cream coffee across the room.
Why? There's a work crisis. A crisis that I can't fix. A crisis that I could help with, but ultimately I feel so blind-sided by everything that I am just stuck in this wave of inaction. And now....now is the time for action.
And I'm sitting here. Inactive. I can't prioritize. I've been having to narrate to myself what I am doing so that I can complete simple tasks. Just when I think that I've got it managed, that I'm in the groove of things....the worst case scenarios come flying into my brain...and I freeze.
I just want to be able to do my job. Without worry. Without the drama that seems to be permeating the field that I am in at the moment. There is more than enough work to go around, there is more than enough money to fund it....why is it necessary to make some random power play that ultimately will do more harm to victims in the state than good?
And then.......freeze. Panic.
I must remember to breathe. Breathe. Breathe...