Thursday, January 31, 2008

Being Ms. Fix-It

After posting yesterday I came up with an idea to help the MAL idea so wonderful and simple that apparently my boss's faith in me has been restored even in the face of these apparent 'lax' morals that I have.

She, luckily, has left for a week to attend Marti Gras (insert your own morality joke here- hee hee). And while I am still upset with the comments that she made to me and how she managed to insist categorically that she did not insult me and then just reinforce the same insult...I think that I am officially changing my status with her from livid and mad to highly annoyed.

Yesterday was a marathon day at job 1....I was here in the office for 13 hours yesterday. While I am no stranger to long days (between my two jobs I average 10 hours a day anyway), I feel completely wiped out. I am supposed to go to a celebration for a friend that died recently today. I can only attend a half hour of it because I have to run an event tonight for job 1. I am not sure if I have the energy to walk to my car again, let alone go to this thing this afternoon. Am I a horrible person for not wanting to go to a funeral celebration because I'm tired?

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Dealing With Anger At Work

Normally I love to come to job 1 everyday, but not this past week. Be it frustration at work, or stress over her going on vacation for a week inbetween major projects, my boss -who is normally so nice and extremely wonderful to work with- has been a complete bear. She has been frustrated with the Model Arab League kids....and so has been chewing me out on their behalf. This is a similar situation where she was constantly chewing me out for the appearance of not working...when it was other employees in the center that the professors had complained about. At that time, I finally confronted her and asked if I was doing these things. When she said no, then I asked her to not lecture me anymore as if I was. She backed down. I had been hoping to be able to do the same thing with her on the MAL situation...but it didn't work out that way.

She has been making me send out nagging emails to the MAL guys....has been wanting me to be harsh in what I say to them, because she is angry. Then she undercuts me by sending out these nice request emails and is as sweet as punch to them. So basically for the past two weeks, she has been trying to make me the heavy and chewing me out for their behavior. Frustrating to say the least.

When I did MAL, there were two years where we had a co-ed room. For some reason it was perfectly fine when I was in the room...but she isn't comfortable with it now. Fine. Let's see...I'm trying to figure the best way to cover this story due to the timeline... Monday afternoon we had a meeting with the MAL kids. In the meeting I suggested the co-ed room option to save on hotel space (we will come back to this later).

Yesterday morning I was hoping that she would be satisfied with the meetings the previous day and she wouldn't go on at me about MAL. Wrong. After about an hour of her going on about it, she then tells me that the center director wouldn't let me work with the MALers on an official basis because I was in favor of co-ed rooms. (I haven't talked to him about it at all. We tried to have a meeting about it in the Fall but we never got to the point of discussing it.) I tried to talk to her about it then, because I know that the director would never say something like that. When I protested she simply said that "there was alot that I don't know that he knows about" and stomped off. And that was that. I finished the email that I was sending to her (which showed that I ordered extra hotel rooms anyway so that the co-ed room was not an issue anyway) and included a short note that I was quite angry about MAL, and so much so that I was not able to speak to her about it without crying.

Why? Because it isn't every day when your boss tells you the center director has no confidence in your work abilities because of some perceived moral defect in your character. This has hurt me deeply. One, to have your morality questioned, and two to have your morality questioned in the context of your ability to perform your job.

So I stewed on it all day yesterday. This morning, I talked to her. When I said that we needed to talk she said that she didn't have the time to deal with whatever I was blowing out of proportion. I said that I wasn't blowing anything out of proportion, that she had insulted me (of course, in me trying to get that out she interrupted me several times...and with me curtly responding that I wasn't finished with my sentence).

She said that she was upset with me for offering the co-ed option in the MAL meeting after she had expressed her disapproval of it. I apologized for that, but contended that I wasn't "pushing the option" as she had accused me of. She denied saying that she said that the director wasn't allowing me to do MAL because of my acceptance of the co-ed room idea. She told me that I was blowing it out of proportion (she said that several times), that it was nothing, and that she had nothing to apologize to me about. Then she proceeded to lecture me that by publicly advocating a co-ed room option (that many other people would disagree with) that I was reflecting myself badly for any future job advancement prospects at the center.

And that was that. So, I'm wrong, she's right...conversation over. Oh, and the director isn't giving me any extra responsibility because of my moral moral laxity is ruining my prospects for future employment. Yeah...that makes it sound better, doesn't it. Please.

Am I seriously going crazy here? I'm done talking to her about it. I should be used to being trashed anyway, right? Just learn my place....even if that means that my morality is questioned in my work abilities?

So, now I have the fake smile on my face...trying to be nice. We went to the Museum for an errand and decided to stay and have coffee. I was willing to buy my own, and in fact I tried to by a peace offering. But she won the fight at the cash register. I was attempting the peace offering to show her that I could still work with her in a civil manner even with the insult to my character...but she used it as an end to it all. And she is acting like nothing ever happened. Happy happy smile smile.

Thank goodness she is going on vacation for a week....maybe I will be able to forgive her after some time apart.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

I said the "S" word....

Libby and I were coming back from lunch and I was discussing the Dr. Phil episode (yes, I admit that I watch the is like Maury but a bit classier, and no paternity tests) that was on yesterday. They were interviewing admitted con artists....and watching them I just wasn't buying their sincerity. Their crying seemed so fake to me...and then I just felt like I was watching Mr.3 cry about how sorry he was that he hurt me and that he would never do that again. And then I said it....the S word....sociopath.

Of course, I said the word without really having a background knowledge into what I just said. And not that an afternoon on the internet makes you an expert, but it is enlightening.

Here is some of the profile guidelines (with my comments):
  • Glibness and Superficial Charm (Ouch, check)
  • Manipulative and Conning
    They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims. (Check, especially in reference to his entire relationship with my brother)
  • Grandiose Sense of Self
    Feels entitled to certain things as "their right." (Holy cow batman! Check)
  • Pathological Lying
    Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests. (Check...oh so much proof, on a grand scale and on the little white lie scale)
  • Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
    A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way. (Not sure on this one.....just because of another complication in his personality that I will discuss later.)
  • Shallow Emotions
    When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises. (I'm not sure what to answer on this one, because I need to feel like he loved me and admitting otherwise is...bad.)
  • Incapacity for Love (don't want to believe that it is true...but could be)
  • Need for Stimulation
    Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common. (Let's just look at his need to be on the computer with the news on and talking about it at the same time....check)
  • Callousness/Lack of Empathy
    Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them. (Check, not to me so much but I saw him act this way to others.)
  • Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
    Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others. (Check....I'm still annoyed with the fact that he sold back a bunch of my textbooks for money...although he did buy me a gift with that....but it wasn't needed.)
  • Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
    Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc. (Not sure on this one....but you never know.)
  • Irresponsibility/Unreliability
    Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed. (Check, Captain Obvious)
  • Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
    Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts. (Infidelity definitely, check.)
  • Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
    Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively. (Ouch, check. I was revisiting my 5 year plan last night, and alot on it has changed because of his absence.)
  • Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
    Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily. (Oh wow...check!)

  • I found an online test that Mr.3 scored high on as well. And on a page that had tips on how to recognize a con artist...I swear that it defined our first date:
    Testing boundaries with money.
    Usually, this occurs early in the relationship. For example, he may ask you out to dinner and when the check comes say, "Oh, honey, I left my wallet in the car."

    I seriously thought he was joking when he said "how about taking me to lunch?" He wasn't.

    Continuing on....I still think that Mr.3 has PTSD. Which would be an interesting if would make him more unstable than previously thought. I remember a conversation where he once told me that in order to do intelligence jobs for the government that they need to fit into a certain psychological profile...that they needed to have a lack of morals. Basically, they would need to have alot of sociopathic tenancies. He knows this as he admitted that he fit that profile. And he has many many symptoms of PTSD....which implies having emotional this leaves us in a situation where he knows that he is a sociopath and is actively choosing to follow the easier path. A sociopath with choice....completely frightening.

    In any case, this new development needs much more research. Libby's mom has recommended "The Sociopath Next Door" and I redeemed some bonus points from the book club that I belong to and the book is being sent to me cheap. So we will see where this leads us.

    Wednesday, January 23, 2008

    I'm a medical oddity...

    or so my doctor says.

    Woke up at 3am with massive pain in my hurt so bad that I thought about going into the emergency room. Instead I decided to save myself the fee and wait until later to get an actual doctor's appointment.

    I apparently have an ear infection in BOTH ears....because I can't just let it be in only one. So I am on antibotics...and some beautiful anti-pain eardrops.

    According to the doctor I have some strange anatomy in my ear, which contributes to my chronic ear infections...apparently. Also in the doctor's 12 years of practicing he has only seen one other case of adult ear hooray for me!

    Tuesday, January 22, 2008

    Such A Slippery Slope

    Just when you think that you have everything smacks you in the face and says "no"!

    On Saturday I received a letter from Express Recovery Services for a bounced check during the time of all the troubles...May 2006. Now I know that I paid this, but I can't find the tiny slip of paper that says that I did. And since I can't provide proof that I paid it, I now have to pay this check to the tune of $84.74. The original check was $44.74 to Jiffy Lube and I know that I paid it when it only had the extra $20 fee on it. And the collections people were awful. I had thought that everything was handled since I had heard nothing from them.....since the SUMMER of 2006! But I guess that it is standard procedure to send out notices of an unpaid debt every 20 months! They had no answer for that one.

    Of course, my question is.....why now? Why does this start to happen NOW? It has taken me ages, absolute ages to get back onto my feet financially...I have just been starting to feel secure....and then this letter comes. And of course, I am already battling with the memories of the time the check was written and any and all memories of Mr.3 right now.....and then this adds to it. And yes, it made me cry.

    And I cried the entire time I tried to go through my records and realized that I was not going to find what I needed....instead I found three of the Mr.3 jail letters that I thought I had put all in one place. So I ended up reading them...and crying some more...and genuinely feeling financially awful about myself.

    It will pass....hopefully 4 hours of working job 3 will do the trick.

    Monday, January 21, 2008

    Goodwill and Cleaning Out

    Today I gathered Mr.3's clothing items (minus the few sentimental items and ones that I decided to keep) and took them all down to the homeless shelter. It totaled nine bags of clothing.

    Looking at all of that clothing....and the quantity is due to me buying him a whole new wardrobe each time he changed sizes....looking at all of that it seems to me that I was extraordinarily good to him. He never wanted for clothing, or books, or food....or love. He was the stupid one for giving that up. It makes me happy to know that some homeless man will now have the ability to dress nice for a job interview...or that a heavy coat will help them stay warm. As I told Mr.3's mom, doing this, donating all of his clothing, was the only way that I could give a dishonest man an honest legacy.

    I can't quite describe how good giving those items away made me feel. Jimmy thought that it was oddly vindictive....but I beg to differ.

    There were also a lot of expensive items in those nine bags of stuff....polo shirts and pants, brooks brothers clothing, perry ellis pants, tommy hillfiger, etc....easily a couple thousand dollars worth of stuff. The sentimental box is much smaller. It consists of his favorite tshirt (the florida Seminoles one that I was surprised that he left), a pair of underwear (they were the panda underwear...of odd sentimental value), some photos of him from his twenties, his baseball cards, and his hat collection. Also included in this box is a letter to his mom....which I am going to post here because I think that I want to keep a record of it...and if Mr.3 reads this, he will know what I sent to her. I am going to put it here word for word....Mr.3's given name is Scott (although that it not what many people know him by here) any contact with his mother, we have always used "Scott" when referring to him.

    "Dear Carolyn,
    It is with a heavy heart that I write to you today. The enclosed box of items are the only things Scott left at my house that are of sentimental value. I am sending these things to you as you will be the most likely person to ever see him again.
    When Scott left Utah in Feb. 07 he went to Washington DC for a job. I was lead to believe that he would return to Utah and that his long absence was due to him seeking treatment for his PTSD. On January 5th, I learned that his was a lie. On that day I received a very enlightening phone call.
    The truth is that Scott did go to DC for a job. However the job was obtained with false identification. To be specific, Scott had stolen my little brother's social security card and had set up a new life for himself using my brother and his credit record. While in DC, he met a woman by the name of Kathy. They had moved in together, were looking at a house to purchase, they were even speaking of marriage- they even bought a dog. Or more correctly- Kathy bought him a dog.
    On the night of December 19th, 2007 Scott left Kathy's house in the dead of night. She later found out that he had taken out credit cards in her name, totaling $32,000.
    So that you are aware, there are felony warrants for Scott in Maryland, Florida, and Utah. They found evidence at Kathy's home that Scott was attempting to make multiple false identification cards. Michael Lee was one of the names---and I suspect that he might also try to use your mother's maiden name as an alias as well.
    Scott has hurt many people, but most of all himself. He had many good things going for him here that he seemed determined to destroy. I loved your son dearly, and a part of me will always love him---and cherish the few short years we spent together. Thank you for allowing me to be part of your family for a short time. I will be seeking a divorce here in Utah. I will let you know when that is finalized. If you happen to see Scott and he wonders what happened to the rest of his stuff--tell him that I gave it all to the homeless shelter. It was the only way that I could think of to give a dishonest man an honest legacy.
    Take Care- D"

    Saturday, January 19, 2008

    Body Issues? Or Just High-Waist Pants?

    All I can say is thank god that I had good self esteem before I ever met Mr.3, because without that foundation to fall on I would have crumbled by this point. I've been sick this week....and unfortunately, being sick also gives me time to think as I lay immobile on the couch feeling like death on a cracker. And I have been thinking about Mr.3, alot.

    I've been doing the completely unhealthy thing of reviewing our life together....reviewing odd little things that happened that didn't have significance then but does now.

    Such as how I dress. When we met I dressed to my strengths...which meant showing off the boobs. And when we were first together "relations" were never our problem. Money yes, but the bedroom never. As things went by and the money things became harder...relations went downhill. In fact after our honeymoon all activity stopped. During this time, Mr.3 had encouraged me to buy a few clothing items: big roomy shirts that hid my figure, and a pair of blue jeans that I hated because they hid my hips. I wore these items often because he said that he liked them on me....but they made me look downright matronly. Now I wonder if he did that on purpose....that it would be easier to not be with me, that it would be easier to ultimately leave me, if I was no longer a desirable sexual object.

    Other little things such as his (what I thought were prudish) reactions to "suggestions" that I had in the bedroom....did he turn me down so often because he knew we was going to leave me anyway? Was it that if we had so much physical intimacy that he knew he wouldn't be able to go? And did I aid him in that in trying to dress in the manner he said pleased him?

    I know that I shouldn't be thinking of these things....that dwelling on them causes nothing but pain. I don't know if I have been manipulated...and should I be angrier at him for manipulating me or at myself for allowing it to happen? I guess the most damaging part of this is also that I am actually entertaining the possibility that I was with someone, loved someone, for over three years now that started out our relationship wanting to hurt me. It is easier for me to believe that he didn't start out that way. That he really did love me...but that things got so out of hand for him that he didn't have the courage to stop it.

    I dreamt about him last night. He was getting married to some really old woman...near the grave sort of old. He apparently made her feel so good about herself that her wedding dress was practically see-through (which wasn't a pretty site---although I think that my mind added some grotesqueness that wasn't necessary). Mr.3 didn't have his customary goatee but more of a handlebar mustache....and he was dressed (and acting a bit) foppish. I was attending their wedding and I was going to object because he was still married to me. When he saw that I was at the ceremony he ran and I chased after him. Eventually I caught him...I kept asking him "why? why?!" and he replied "I'll poke anything if it gets me money". I let him go, I let him escape...I think that somehow he got onto a boat and sailed away or something. Which was probably best because his foppish outfit would have worked as pirate dress... Anyway, I cliche-ly woke with a start this morning from the dream and couldn't get back to sleep. Where I had once felt so confident about myself, I feel degraded.

    I know that I did nothing wrong. I know that I was a good wife...and even now, now that marriage is ending, I have still been good to him. I've still defended him against the blind anger attacks that have been levied upon him by hurt family and friends. I did everything I could, everything that I possibly could. And I won't say that it wasn't enough....just that he didn't want what I had to offer anymore.

    Today marks the first day that I have cried about Mr.3 for almost two weeks. Someone asked me the other day after hearing the story, whether or not I would take him back. My first response, my automatic response, was "no, he cheated". But that response feels hollow. Like I am not angry at all about is just something to say. Like I am still really not sure how I feel. I guess that maybe since I have spent over 11 months thinking that he was going to come home that maybe I haven't really processed it yet. Or it could be that I already have and have been giving him lip service for months as to my willingness to stick things through with him. I don't know. I haven't put my wedding ring on since I first took it off, but that doesn't stop me from checking all the time to see if it is on....and having to remind myself why it is off.

    While in the past few months I have been down over this situation and what I could do to make it I am in the unusual spot of feeling bad about my appearance...and how I let it be I allowed myself to change for something that could be so devious.

    Friday, January 18, 2008

    Dim Sum and Job 3

    I think that Job 3 has polluted my ability to watch TV and only watch TV. I tried today and was compelled to work...only when I was doing both things at once did I not feel like something was missing. Weird, is all I can tell you. I am trying a new routine with Job3, 4 hours everyday...instead of the absurdly odd schedule that I was attempting to run before. So far so good...I am going into a weekend without being down any hours. A first! Which is good because I need to find time to work on GV and I am hoping that this will make it happen.

    Oh, and if anyone says to you "let's go out for dim sum"....just say no. I had a business meeting over dim sum yesterday and I spent the rest of the evening quite ill. The food tasted alright, I just have issues with the texture of anything in a dumpling. I'm sure that if Mr.3 is reading this he can take some satisfaction in that fact that I was sick all evening, since I always made such a big stink when he made chicken and dumplings. ugh. At least I don't have to eat that again.

    Tuesday, January 15, 2008

    What Prying Eyes Saw

    Libby: I want to do the gym at eight. Interested?
    me: no. I don't want to work out. I'za lazy ass
    Libby: alright then :)
    I know that feeling.
    me: I haven't cleaned the house either...or starting work.
    although I have managed to watch Dr. Phil and write an email
    Libby: oh god, not dr phil
    me: guilty pleasure since maury isn't on anymore
    Libby: This may be the one thing you do that totally grosses me out
    me: hee hee hee
    awh...come on....
    I'm sure I can come up with something worse
    Libby: hehe
    me: besides....Dr.Phil should be my hero. He has no creditials but people think that he is a real doctor
    he is THE life coach
    Libby: I gotta go. I think matt was just reading our chat.
    me: I could do his job
    Libby: scary!
    me: hee hee hee
    Libby: I'm sure you could. You could possibly be less offensive and still do his job. Talk to you later!

    Monday, January 14, 2008

    Copy Machine Epiphanies and Other Odd Conclusions I have come to the past few days

    1. You know that it is going to be a bad laundry day when you take your clothes out of the dryer and a chapstick falls on the floor.

    2. Mustard Cleavage would be an awesome band name.

    3. No matter what the occasion, Libby's nephews will always end up doing something that will make me cry with laughter. Like when Roan coughed corn all over little Jacob's face....oh dear...that might have been as funny as the time when he stuffed his cheeks with M&Ms and started to drool chocolate.

    4. Three year olds spouting "puppy power" are super cool.

    5. I'm a fan of facial hair on men, but if you are a man with a beard that you are hoping will create the illusion of having a jaw line when you don't....please don't have your own commercial, as it annoys me. This means you Mr. Oxyclean and Mr. TaxMasters. Your beards are fooling no one.

    6. I worked 19 hours in two days on Job 3 and managed to watch all of the first season of Rome and most of the second...god that show is good.

    7. While at the copy machine today I realized that it must be easier for those people who get left behind in this world if they know that the other person was dishonest, and that it wasn't something to do with them that drove the other person away.

    8. People are weirded out by how well I am taking everything....until I remind them that I have been dealing with the anger and abandonment issues for 11 months already.

    9. Who else watched the Sarah Connor Chronicles and thought it was super cool?

    10. Plumbers should wear unitards. Libby's handyman had underwear that seemed to reach halfway up his backside, and it was quite pleasant having to watch him work. Plumbertards should be made for all workmen so that the rest of the world doesn't have to be scarred by "the crack".

    11. The funniest website I have come across lately is expectant brides. The only thing missing is the ability to buy your own shiny white shotgun.

    12. We have a speaker coming who looks just like the Sicilian guy out of Princess Bride. I walked around the office for most of the morning with the flyer, pointing at the photo and shouting "inconceivable!" and "don't mess with a Sicilian when death is on the line!"

    13. Jimmy came home and told me that someone stole a water turtle from the pet store today. Who steals a water turtle? Especially as they are mean bastards. They think that they just put it in their pocket. Weirdos. I bet the person who did that has a beard that tries to define their non-existent jaw-line. Inconceivable!

    Friday, January 11, 2008


    Don't ever watch the Director's Cut of the movie Legend, because it pretty much ruined a film that I loved in my childhood.

    I'm gonna send that man a thank you card!

    Talked to a lawyer today and this here girl is getting a divorce! And soon...hopefully within the next pay check. Everything can be filed online, by will be beautiful!

    Beginning to mend some of the pieces

    There has been so much to do to pick up the pieces of this whole mess with Mr.3. Little things...details.
    So this is what has been done.
    1. I've changed the locks. Done this morning, to the tune of $80, but worth it. I wasn't going to do it originally because I never thought that he would come back here anyway. The other day however my neighbor stopped their car in the middle of the driveway to scrap their windows and it sounded like someone was coming into the house and I freaked it was a sign that it needed to be done.

    2. I've started making the rounds of calls. Talked to the student loan company that Mr.3 used my info to co-sign me on student loans with. They are going to send out a fraud packet in the mail. Jimmy called a couple of the credit card companies that we know Mr.3 took accounts out in. At one point I think he talked to all of India in the Macy's call center. They are sending him out a bunch of fraud packets in the mail as well. At one point, Jimmy and I were comparing who had the worst hold music for who ever we were calling....I think that he won that contest.

    3. I've starting answering the collection calls for Mr.3. One of them today was pretty funny...he had absolutely no idea what to do with the information that I gave them. He also said that he believed the story because no one could have made it up.

    4. Reduced expenses-- I've taken Mr.3 off my insurance (about $50 a month), and I have canceled his cell phone (about $35 a month). Which is quite nice. My mom says that I should get rid of the landline to the house, but I think that I am gonna keep it for a while longer as it still has its uses.

    The yet to do list is easier...
    1. Gather up Mr.3's sentimental items and send to his mother
    2. Gather up the rest of his clothes and give to good will (I was going to give away some of his books...but I might just keep them after all).
    3. Take down the Christmas tree...but this is only on the list because I was going to do it and was interrupted with the phone call about Mr.3
    4 Talk to a lawyer about the divorce (which I am doing today). It looks like I should be able to file the paperwork on my own so that will save some money. You can file for a divorce online, but only if you are filing for a no-fault divorce...and I think that I want the record to show that he was at fault...or if that is even going to make a difference in the grand scheme of things.
    5. I need to take Mr.3's microfiche military records (which he left here) and print them off to keep on file and send to Kathy.

    And now for the other strange list that I know people want to ask about but are worried for fear that I might break into little pieces...

    1. Am I ok? Why yes I am. I haven't cried in four days and it has been three days since I have teared up. Actually, I haven't felt this normal in a while as the depression is ebbing away. My mind is feeling clearer.
    2. How angry am I? Not that angry at the moment. Disappointed, yes. But not angry.
    3. Do I hate him? No. I don't. I want him to be caught, I want him to face the consequences of his actions. If I hated him I would want him to be send to federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison and be repeatedly man-raped...and I definitely don't wish for that to happen. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
    4. Would I ever talk to him again? Yes. If he is caught and is sent to prison, I will visit him once and only once. I will be able to confront him finally. Although I had a very vivid dream that I did that the other night and I woke up feeling great. So I will have dream confrontations with him until I can do it in person.
    5. Are you going to start dating again and when? As soon as someone asks me out. I feel ready to go out and meet people again. I want to date someone, I want them to ask me out and actually pay for the date. Or even go Dutch on a date, just so long that I don't have to pay for them as well, I'm cool. Now I definitely won't sleep with anyone until after the divorce is filed...because I don't want to be a hypocrite. The idea of starting over sounds great right now.
    6. What about the other woman? How do you feel about her? I like her actually. We have alot in common and she is very sweet. We are becoming friends, more or less. While my situation is bad, I think that hers is worse. At least I never had to find out that he was still married. I will write more about her at another time. I will also write more about her life with Mr.3 as it is interesting.
    7. You seem to be handling this really well, what gives? This might be the hardest answer for people to digest, I have been heart broken and mourning him ever since he left 11 (yes it is now 11) months ago. It was so hard to be a supportive as I was, I was giving him so much with little or no return. Now that is over. I know now that I have done nothing wrong, and that I am not to blame for any of what has happened. Knowing the truth has been quite liberating. I know that I have alot to offer others in this world...I offered him my help, support, and love...and he didn't want it. His loss and the world's gain.

    Any other questions? Not sure, you'll probably have to ask those.

    Tuesday, January 08, 2008

    The Reveal

    I have spent most of the past three days notifying family and friends about what has happened. This post will mainly be the 'reader's digest' version...and more and more details will come out as I can divulge them or as I am ready to reveal them.

    First of all, Mr.3 will not be coming back. Our marriage is over.

    On Saturday, I received a phone call from someone trying to find my brother. He had apparently left in the middle of the night on the 19th of December from a house in Maryland. My initial reaction was that they had the wrong person. It was after a few minutes of this individual telling me alot about myself that I asked how old this person was. They said that he was 39 years old, and a lightbulb went off in my head.

    Mr.3 stole my little brother's identity.

    Sometime during the three weeks that he was home last January, Mr.3 stole my brother's social security card. He then went to DC for a job (we remember this whole saga, yes?). He was employed for a brief time with a big name consulting firm as a Middle East analyst....he used my brother's name as his...and was using the title of Dr.

    But wait, there is more....

    Mr.3 not only started anew job-wise, but relationship-wise. He met a very nice woman named Kathy. They dated for a while and he moved in with her in July. They were making plans to buy a house together, they were making plans to marry. She even bought him a dog, a corgi named Nigel.

    He left her in the middle of the night...taking his stuff with him. The next day she learned much much more. Such as he had opened three credit cards in her name and has left her with $32,000 of debt. He rang up this amount in one month. you can imagine...Saturday was a difficult day for me. I found that my husband was a thief, severely hurt my brother, and cheated on me.

    Luckily, I was able to give Kathy and a cop-friend of hers alot of information: his history, his real name, and lots of helpful documents.

    After I rung up the phone (and luckily Libby was there when they called)the first thing that I did was unwrap all of the Christmas gifts of his that we have had waiting for him under the tree. I then had to call my parents to tell them the news. After that I was drawn by an intense need to buy new pillows for the bedroom (as his smell has stayed within them). Before we left to go and buy my new pillows, I removed my wedding ring.

    Telling Jimmy was hard, really hard...especially as he was beginning to warm to the idea of trying to work things out with Mr.3. There was alot of swearing, but he calmed down.

    There is some funny about this situation...mainly the fact that Jimmy has been elevated to the rank of doctor and that he was engaged to a woman. And while I know that I have a difficult road ahead of least I am not in Kathy's position with the debt and a dog....oh, and that whole thing of finding out that her fiance was already married.

    So where from here? I am sure that you will probably have alot of questions and I will do the best that I can to answer them in the coming days. Jimmy and I have both put fraud alerts on our credit. I am going to try to get off the school loans that Mr.3 fraudulently co-signed me on...and we need to be able to find out and combat the damage done to Jimmy's credit. Keep in mind he opened his first checking account only about a month or so ago...he was just starting out, only to find out that someone had stolen it before him. I am working on the divorce/annulment angle. And also....I have managed to find solace for this heartache in Kathy. Oddly enough, the two of us are becoming friends, as both of us are going through the same thing. The debt issues and the marriage issues are one thing, but both of us are dealing with the fact that a man that we loved has left us in a horrible, horrible way. There is something that can be said for finding friends in strange places.

    ****I do need to say that no one is allowed to say "I knew it" or "I told you so". Doing so will result in some visceral reactions from me. This is not an 'I told you so' situation...because no one could predict this...ever. And by saying "I knew it" or "I told you so" also means that you are implying that I am an idiot...and I did nothing wrong in this situation. I know that alot of people who knew Mr.3 are personally wounded by this, because he was their friend too. I know that alot of people feel guilt at not being able to figure him out before it was too late. I can't help you resolve that please don't try to make me make you feel better...because I can't and I won't. And I know that it is polite to say that you're sorry, but you have nothing to be sorry for. I will however except "that sucks", "shit that's awful" and "fuck".****

    Sunday, January 06, 2008

    I've Heard News

    But I'm not ready to disclose all at the moment. What I will say is that I am no longer wearing my wedding ring.

    Thursday, January 03, 2008

    which shoulder?

    Well I tried to get to work, but I failed miserably. A creditor had called earlier for Mr.3 and I had let it go to voice mail. I listened to the message, which was a standard message...but it started a conversation between Jimmy and I. It's a rare moment when I open up to him about anything concerning my feelings for Mr.3 or about this whole situation. It started to come out...well..a bit of it.

    From what I know of Mr.3's life, I can piece together, I can understand his motivations for just about everything...everything up until what happened on Christmas. Despite how it looks, I really do know my husband well...but I doubt. Especially now. Because no matter how I look at the situation...I can't figure what he was thinking in this one. I can't understand what it is that is preventing him from wanting to be with me.

    Jimmy tried to get me to look up some information on filing a missing persons report...and I can't tell you the abject fear that this is causing in me. I don't know if I can do it...I don't think that I can. I wrote down all the items that they are going to need for the report... and I can't remember things anymore...I can't remember which shoulder his tattoo is on but I can remember every freckle around it. The anxiety that even the thought of filling out the missing persons report is paralyzing.

    Jimmy said an interesting thing tonight. He said that he believed Mr.3 had not come home because he is too ashamed of the hurt that he has caused to face me. That his biggest fear is disappointing the one who loves him. And then Jimmy said something amazing...he said that he could forgive Mr.3 if he just came home and tried to work things out with me. Beforehand he said that he wouldn't ever forgive him...and Jimmy is worried that part of the reason why Mr.3 isn't coming home is that he is still living with me. I don't think that is the case, but I can understand his concern.

    I just wish that I could talk to him...I know that I am gonna cry, and I know that me crying hurts him...but I can't help that. I just...I just...
    I'm just gonna go and write him or something...maybe if I write it out to him I can stop crying for the evening.

    Glad for a couple of things

    Saw this article today about creditors raising the interest rates on defaults to 30%! That is just plain scary! And I know that I should not be glad for the bankruptcy...but in the current conditions as the economy is in now, I am very happy that I operate on a cash only basis.
    I am also glad that I rent. I do want to own a house one day and I know that I pay rent that is way way too high...but at least I don't have to worry about things like mowing the lawn or shoveling the sidewalk or having to pay for the plumber when the pipes break or having to deal with the crazy mortgage market right now.
    I'm glad that I have had the bankruptcy because I think that I appreciate money more. I am making more money now as a consequence, and I think that it is directly due to my inability to obtain credit to live off of. It was so easy to do that and it put me into a deep deep hole.
    I did, last night, make a list of things that I need to work to save up for. The list is fairly varied with the short term and the long...things like a new computer, car repairs, a couch, to pay off the washer/dryer...and then the longer term items like a house down-payment, a new car, and of course a baby. I know saving up for a baby is an odd thing to say, but I want to have a child one day, and I will do that with or without my husband. I would prefer him to be the father of course (and this would be the case even if we do get a divorce). It has always been important to me to be a mother...and I need to make sure that I am as financially secure as I can be before that happens. So I have a lot of work to do.

    Wednesday, January 02, 2008

    the profoundness-ness of the new year

    I hate the desire to somehow be profound around New know, the desire to come up with some sort of amazing list of things that you have found out about your life, or list of resolutions, or any sort of list that not only makes you sound smarter than what you are but also more spiritually intuned.

    So far, the only resolution that I have been able to come up with has been not to slip on the ice this year.

    And of course, New Year's Day there is always that urge to be "new" at something. So, yesterday, in that spirit, I finally threw away Mr.3's bar of soap that has been sitting in the shower soap dish since he left. Yesterday it felt liberating, today I just feel if giving up on that harmless piece of soap means that I am giving up on him too.

    In other things, in an attempt to be "new", Jimmy and I had a hair dying party yesterday. They had a lot of hair dye at the Walgreens that we visited when we had to get a prescription for him filled. (He got ringworm from some of the animals at work, he has to file it as a workman's comp claim---I can't tell you how funny it is!). I've been calling my new hair the Snow White look...because all I need is the red lipstick and the hair band to look just like her. It isn't a jet black color...because the box said that it was "soft black", and I hope that it isn't too severe. The last thing that I want is to look like the emo eighteen year olds from the birthday party.

    I think that I am lukewarm about my hair...and I am disappointed with my actions as to the maybe what I really hate, is not the desire to somehow turn over a new leaf with each new year, but the day after when you just feel ridiculous for trying.