Saturday, November 21, 2015

Finding moderation in dating when you are secretly a cat....

.... which the more I ponder the possibility, the more I think that finding moderation is just gonna be an unrealistic goal for me.

I have very good and specific reasons why I do not "date" often.  Some of these reasons deal with my primary place of employment, some of these reasons have to deal with my barriers put in place due to past relationships, and some of these reasons have to deal with my general dissatisfaction and disgust with ideas and myths around 'hook-up' culture. At the moment, I find myself dating someone.  Someone amazing....and for the purposes of this blog he shall be dubbed as.... "the Gent".  Most people think that I am flirtatious because of my general personality, but when I really REALLY like someone, it gets awkward super fast.  I feel constantly bathed in this level of extreme awkwardness.... and for a while, I've been really hard on myself for this... until I realized that I need to just embrace my Leo sensibilities and be the true cat that I am. 

For example: 'the Gent' truly seems to want to know how I'm feeling.  This is new. Very new.  And very scary. So I'll have this moment where I'm really good with the cuddling and talking and sharing the feels and such.... then like a cat with one too many belly rubs, I hiss, runaway.... and then come back a few minutes later expecting the other person to continue paying attention to me, except this time when I've returned I have some headless animal of Debbie's-past-experiences to drop on your lap.   I've had way too many "emotional trigger moments" the past few weeks.... to the point, that I'm getting annoyed with myself over it.  I've wanted to run away several times....not because of him....because of my own insecurities.

Other example: I have a schedule, he has a schedule, everyone on the planet has a schedule and commitments and such.  I know this.  I know that I have other things that I should be studying for finals this week.  But spending the small amount of time that I have with 'the Gent' makes me just want to spend more time with him.  Which is good.  I just want ALL THE TIME right now.  I know that if I actually had all the time I really wanted, that I would get overloaded, then overemotional, and just run away.  So not getting to spend the amount of time that my brain is screaming for is actually a good and healthy thing.  It truly is.  I just need to get my head on straight about it.... and not to run away and hide.... which would be infinitely easier at the moment.  This is the problem with being anti-dating for as long as I have been.  It becomes comfortable and safe.  Safe is boring though. Quite boring.  In the current information age though, I need to figure out what the rough approximation of moderation in contact is.  The past couple of days I've felt like I've been contacting/texting too much....but I keep doing it.  Also, my use of emojis lately has been exponentially increased at an alarming rate.

I seem to oscillate between "love me, love me, love me" to "back off" quite a bit the past few weeks.  Except at the moment I'm on the 'love me' side....and the rational brain is trying to smack my perceptive back into the center... to be human again.

I've got it bad.

Damn.... I really hope 'the Gent' is a cat person.

Or I just need a red laser dot to chase and mesmerize me for a while.