Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Bye Bye Dear Esther, Hello New Year!

I've been sitting on a piece of momentous news for a week now, that I need to share with you all.
After over a year and a half of hard emotional work, I have finished therapy with Esther.

I feel like I have graduated.
Its awesome....and not like "surfer dude" awesome, but the actual dictionary definition of awesome- inspiring awe which is a emotion mixed with reverence, dread, and wonder.

So, I have some semblance of having got it together.....now I can look forward to the new year because I can see where I've been. I'm sure that I will have a series of whiny posts coming that attempt to wax philosophical at the accomplishments of the past year....which haven't really been too much. Judging by my blog, I've bitched alot about a job that I haven't quit yet but hope to soon, blubbered about the trauma of actually finishing my masters degree, and named my dental crown after my ex-husband.

I'm working on a list of resolutions/goals for the next year....here is what they are currently:
1. Get a new job so that I can tell my old one of where to stick it.
2. Progress from beginner level to intermediate level in piano.
3. Get a Wii or some sort of gaming system so that I can play rock band at home, and maybe figure out why the male gender finds video games so much fun. I mean, I like beer, bbq, and football....I need to work on understanding video games next in order to fully progress in my "guy-friendly" girl thing that I have going on.
4. Uhhhh......ok, so maybe I don't have too many other goals at the moment. Maybe I should do just progressive resolutions so that once I finish one I can work and make another one..... yeah, that might work better....then I can do less thinking.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

The Things That I Haven't Blogged About....

are slowly mounting up higher and higher.
I will get back to them soon....when it is "safe" to write about them: I've got lots of work drama...you have NO idea.

In the meantime, I would like to tell you about a project that I have recently become a subject in. You may or may not have heard of the "We Feel Fine" project. Basically this group of guys created a script that would search English language blogs and note everytime that the words "I feel" were used. They have recently turned this web project into a book.

You can see the whole page that I am on here. It has a self portrait of me, an excerpt from a former blog post, and a little blurb about me. Here is a small screenshot of just my stuff.

To place there my words come from, they were written just before Christmas 2007. Jimmy and I had gone to Arizona and Mr.3 was supposedly still in the VA hospital. On that Christmas morning he called me to tell me that he had been released and was coming home. He had said that he would call me a little later when he got to the house. It was the last time that I ever heard from him. It was an inexplicably cruel act. But it was that moment, just before all of that pain was unleashed, that this books captures of me. Its an emotional snapshot.

It seems odd that I would comment on how being in a book that chronicles people's emotions makes me feel....but I am going to do it anyway. When they sent me the original request to include my images and words, I immediately said yes.....partly because I didn't think much would come of it and I thought that it was a unique idea. But now that I have received my copy of the book in the mail, it feels so much more real. There is so much truth in the book, and seeing just a small reproduction of some of the sadness in my life is indescribable really. It is alien and then closely intimate at the same time. I know that it is me, and I feel distant from it....but when I show the page to other people I start to tear up. Its almost like I'm trying to show people proof that I was in pain...that it all really happened and wasn't some made up story.

In any case, besides my sad sob-story that is listed in there, this is an amazing book. I hope that people buy it, and I should probably buy a copy or two to give to family and such. But that might have to wait until after Christmas.