Wednesday, August 31, 2005

stress cycles?

I am beginning to wonder if stress runs in cycles. Last year around this time I was dealing with JB and stupid Kani emotional stuff and my stomach freaked out and I ended up having to go to the doctor.
This week my stomach is hurting again, and I can feel the stress rising up within me to cause it. What I wonder, is it the time of year that is stressing me out, or does it just so happen that my life crashes into these waves of stress at the same basic time of the year, every year?
It ticks me off whatever it is.

But at least I can say that my homework for the stupid busy-work class is finally finished, that a skirt I didn't think would fit me did today....and most importantly, I know beyound a doubt that I am loved, very deeply loved, and that I am also deeply in love. So I guess that I would be better off to focus on that, wouldn't I?

Monday, August 29, 2005

catch up? No chance....

Things have been happening so fast lately that I can't even keep up with myself.

First, classes....they all should be fun, but my research methods class is riddled with busy work that we have to do in pairs....which will be way more time consuming than it should be. I have a great partner but we are both very busy, so we will see how this all works out.

Second, Friday was a great day. I got an invitation to be part of project called Global Voices, which I accepted. I am super excited about it. And it will also be an opportunity to keep up my Turkish language skills (I just found a whole bunch of Turkish blogs this weekend). I also got contacted by the BBC to do an interview about how Kurdish bloggers view the Iraq constitution. While I was incredibly flattered, I recommended some other people to him that would be a better commentator than I, but I still think that I am the last resort option is something goes wrong with his interview.

Third, well I don't know what third would be, so I guess you will have to make something up for yourself.... Oh wait! I finally got a copy of the Dresden Dolls album. It is excellent. A cross between punk, avante garde and cabaret, that and it is great angry girl music. Favorite line so far is "this passion is a plagarism".

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Smelly stuff

I forgot to mention this. So this weekend I went searching for something to make the office smell better ---we had a steam pipe burst in the building and it still smells awful. So I found some stuff at Kmart, it is the kind of warm oil thing that you plug it. Only I have found that it is so strong that you can't leave it plugged it even on the lowest setting. So I guess that it will probably last a lot longer now that you don't have to plug it in. I only hope that it will be strong enough to counteract the smell of a particular foreign student in the department....keep your fingers crossed.


Ok, so I think that I am pretty pathetic. I keep checking all of my regular blogs and wonder why no one has posted, when I realize that I have posted much either. You know that it is a bad blogging week when I have been outblogged by Mr.3 who blogs only when something really infuriates him...whereas I blog with my normal daily drivel.

Things are really starting to pick up here at work. I think that I forgot how to multitask at work and that I am having to relearn the process. But with more work means less boredom and "less whining" as my friend Jason recently told me. School starts tomorrow, and while I thought that I was ready for it, I don't think that I am. I don't think that the rest of my office is either. I had to get all of my classes approved by my boss (and the phone coverage schedule for the times that I am gone during the day). And today the bug, who has had the information for quite some time now, not only has forgot about it, but doesn't think that she will be able to cover the phones this Thursday. The last thing that I want is to be late for my first day of classes, but I might have too. I also might not because she thinks that she might not be able to be there because there is a student giving a defense that day. And while she insists that she needs to be there she really doesn't. Her predecessor rarely went to them because she had so many other things that she needed to do. I think that I can whine to our AA and win on this one.

ugh...she just called to tell me that I have a typo of the preliminary schedule...I messed up one letter on a professor's name.....yeah, I'll fix it, but I have other more pressing things today. Like...well I don't know, but I have already heard the latest about her husband and their history of marital counsoling, so I think that I have made my quota of "listening time" with the bug for today.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005


Yesterday was Mr.3's and my Mom's birthday so we all met in Provo for a family dinner. The dinner went well, there was lots of joking---Mr.3 and my brother are getting along really well. I just wish that I was able to give more gifts to my Mom and Mr.3 than what I was able to. I do like to spoil them. At the end of dinner my Mom said that she had 2 letters from my Grandpa that she wanted to read to us.

Now, last week, I know that my Grandpa was in the hospital. He was vomiting up black blood and he couldn't get up on his own. He was having a lot of tests done, and I was told that he had a bleeding ulcer. I had secretly thought that there was probably more was happening, but this was last wednesday and I was dealing with my own health stuff at the time. Actually my mom had told the truth to Mr.3 that day and they both decided that Wednesday was probably not the best day for me to handle ALL of the news. And I think that I am ok with that.

Anyway, we are at dinner and my mom starts to read this letter. The second the word cancer is mentioned my brother starts to wail, and I am trying to console him but hoping that he would just shut up so that I could hear the rest of the letter. anyway, about 5 minutes after she was done reading, he stopped crying and asked if he could go to the petstore because he wanted to look at getting a new tank. I think that he cried partly because that is supposed to be the thing to do. He has lost only one person, a family friend, before but never family. And I think that the relationship that I have with my grandfather is much deeper than his. Before my brother came along (9 years difference) I spent a couple weeks every summer with my grandparents, and they have always been very close to me. When Jimmy came along, my parents couldn't afford to send us anymore.

Cancer isn't a surprise with my grandpa. He was dianogsised with prostate cancer 10 years ago and they gave him 25 years at that point...and being 75 at the time, it wasn't really something to worry that much about. What he has been preliminarily diagnosed with is a little more serious. He has inoperable cancer of the pancreas and the liver, plus the bleeding ulcer on a tumor in his esophagas. Either way, with his general health and with the progression of the cancer, any surguries or chemo treatments would not improve the quality or quanitity of his life. I don't think that he would have chemo anyway. My materal grandmother died in my parent's first year of marriage of breast cancer and going through the chemo was very difficult for all to go through. The doctors give him 6 months to a year to live. But he is such a cranky old man that I think if we find something to annoy him he will stay around a lot longer.

I don't have a problem with him dying. You know that it is going to happen. We all have a 100% chance of dying anyway, so you have to learn to accept that. I think what really bothers me is the time limit, because all of a sudden you start thinking of milestones in your life that you want him to be around for. I want him to see me get married, to get my Masters degree, to see my first child. Jimmy wants him to see him graduate from high school. That is an impossible about of milestones to fit into the time frame alloted. I think that it would have been better if he just dropped dead because this pre-emptive grieving is killing me.

What we know for sure (besides that we are waiting for the results of more tests) is that he plans on going on vacation and that he wants to have a big birthday party (his 86th) that we will all be going to in October. Mr.3 and I were planning on some sort of a vacation this fall, this wasn't what we had in mind, but it will have to work.

A quiet morning

It has been fairly quiet this morning at work. Our AA is on vacation, so it would be the bug and I in the office today. But apparently her husband didn't have the money to fix their car and so she is trying to find solutions to the transportation issues that she is having. She has a noon appointment today so it might be 1pm before I have to talk to her in person. Not that I haven't already spoken to her on the phone, where she told me all about her exchange with her husband. And I am afraid that I have to stand with the deadbeat husband on this. He didn't ask her for money for the car because he was embarassed (or so he told her) instead of accepting that he admitted some weakness she proceeded to beat him down further. Taking advantage of every cheap shot she can take at him in the process. Not that either side in their marriage is innocent of one thing or another...but I can't give her any sympathy for being the penelope-type wounded wife when she acts in such a reprehensible way in the situation. If you want the moral high ground sympathy you need to actually walk that path, not think that it is just granted to you.
Yesterday she was mentioning how she was thinking that her husband was a little looney and that she must have been too distracted with raising their children to notice. First of all being "too distracted by your children"? Her children are and should be her pride and joy, but she shouldn't use them as an excuse after the fact to justify why she ignored her own husband for 30 years.

Monday, August 15, 2005

To make matters worse

One: This morning the bug was a half hour late, tells me that she is sorry and that she will make it up. (First I expected her to be late because our boss is on vacation this week and the bug is a creature of habit, and second, why the hell is she telling me?) So I mention that I am sure she has enough comp time to cover a half hour. At which point she tells me that she hasn't been keeping track of it. I can't believe it! The cow is ruining comp time for us all and she is too stupid to write it down! Ugh!

Two: Mr.3 and I were talking to a mutual friend yesterday who has had, for lack of a better word, a "priviledged" upbringing who announces that poor people are those that have to work for a living. Let's forgo the fact that this is an incredibly misguided statement, and the fact that she has never really met and talked with a truly "poor" person, and let's get to the fact that I don't think that I have ever been as offended by a comment than I was that one. Chalk it up to naivety but she was lucky that I didn't slap her.

Three: My klutziness is really beginning to depress me. Last night, Mr.3 and I were taking a walk when I tripped on the edge of the sidewalk, fell, and twisted my right ankle. But in the best of spirits, I got up and continued walking, only to trip again 15 minutes later and twist the OTHER ankle. So now I have the double-limp-waddle thing going on today. I am such a dork.

Friday, August 12, 2005

The bug's inquiry meeting...

So apparently I forgot to blog about the bug's official "we need to talk meeting" that happened last week. It was 2 hours long and it was her, the associate director of the center, the director of the center, and the administrative assistant. Unfortuately I couldn't hear to much of what was going on. I heard her cry several times and say "there is just too much going on". Big boo hoo. Anyway, I am not sure what is really happening with everything but I am glad that she has gotten into trouble, and I wouldn't mind it at all if she got into even more trouble about how much she messes things up. Anyway the run down of the meeting isn't that important but the little tidbit of information I just heard about is. The director and Mr.3 went out to lunch today and "I" told Mr.3 that the bug blamed Mr.3 with starting the conversation in the first place. Which of course prompted the question..."Are you telling me that he approached you about a scholarship which he didn't know about wanting to know why he came in second?" Yeah the lying cunt just walked into that one. I can't believe that she would lie like that! Then she also went on to say that Mr.3 is the one who will not go into her office to get things done....I have watched her stalk him down on many occasions. In fact on that morning when the whole scholarship fiasco happened she asked me where he was. She went to find him. UGH! I can't express how angry her lies have made me. I am only glad that she got caught in them. Even if they can't fire her over it, she should know that they don't trust her.

She STILL doesn't understand the DO NOT RELEASE policy. She even had to take a training quiz to be able to get people soft access and she has no clue. Basically if a student has a do not release of their records we can't even acknowledge that they even exist. How do I know that she doesn't understand the policy? Well earlier this week one of our professors wanted me to make an email list of all of his students, which was a mundane task of individually looking up every student. One of them didn't have a public record which means that they have a DO NOT RELEASE. She was in my office when I was grumbling about this, she wanted to know what was happening, so I told her. Then she procedes to tell me that I can look it up in people soft and give it to him....besides the fact that I do not have access...I can't because of the do not release...and she just didn't see why I couldn't give out the information...I'm sorry but it is federal law! So I printed out FERPA cards, which outlines the policy, and put them into everyone's boxes. But I refrained from highlighting parts on hers...oh I wanted to though.

And the other thing is....comp time. She is ruining it for the rest of us! She works from 8 to 7 on average with no lunches...Even with working all of this time she still can't finish her work or do it correctly. as the ibster said to Mr.3 "perhaps our Academic specialist is overburdened with her duties". Anyway when we were driving up to the ER we see her husband driving her ass off of campus at 8 pm. 8pm!!! Tell me honestly why anyone needs to be here that late? So I mention it to our AA, who shakes her head and says that she has asked the bug not to do that. because of her abuse of a pretty nice policy they are going to have to make offical rules for it so that now everything have to be approved by the Director. Why can't she do anything right?! She keeps pushing and pushing to see how much she can get away with and then everyone gets punished because they have to crack down. She won't resign or quit, she would only leave here if she was fired, and then she would find some way of suing over it. She has tried it in the past, why not now?

On Monday the bug and I got invited to a lunch with some students from the Turkish of them is moving...and unfortuately I had to sit next to her. She was soo loud and obnoxious that you would have thought that she would have been drinking. Mr.3 says that vodka has no smell so you never know. And there was this one moment where someone made the mistake of asking about some problem she had had with the registrar's...and her voice got more shrill than normal and she was on the verge of tears...god it was annoying. You know I think that she is the kind of person who crys on command to get her way and gain sympathy, which is the worst type of woman and gives the rest of us a bad name. But even after breaking out into tears 2 or 3 times (she crys loud) in her 2 hour meeting, she has learned to dab her eyes with a tissue as not to disturb her makeup....I think that she has way way too much practice.

The only nice thing about the bug today is that she is gone. She had a headache this morning....probably another hangover....and had a funeral to go to. She said that she might make it in, but the AA told her not to worry about it....she has enough comp time that is for sure. But knowing her and her ever present quest to look like a good employee she will try to be here. We need her, didn't you know? Yeah...that was news to me as well.

additionally, as I am finishing this up and proofreading, she walks in. All smiles in her funeral clothes. At least I have only 2 and half more hours until the end of the day...she on the other hand will probably stay till midnight...she is a devoted employee after one warms a seat better.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Fashion Bracelets

So on Tuesday I got really sick. My neck was hurting on the side, my ear was hurting, headache, dizziness, nausa, fever, incoherent: the whole fun gambit of being ill. So I went home early from work and tried to sleep it off as much as I could. Yesterday I managed to get a doctor's appointment. So I went in, talked about my ear (I was hoping that I had an inner ear infection) but we also talked about my concern that my pseudo tumor was coming back. So my doctor calls the neurologist on call at the University Hospital and lo and behold, I get sent to the ER to have a CT Scan done. Which with talks of scans and a possible spinal tap I am a wreck. The last time I had a tap done was enough for me. So after 4 hours and 2-3 doctors later it is determined that I didn't need the CT scan, definitely had no signs of an inner ear infection, and that I need to make an appointment with a neurologist as soon as possible. We got home close to 1 am last night. I however did manage to come home with not one but two hospital bracelets; one for being admitted the other to denote my latex allergy. I was wearing both this morning, but the allergy bracelet kept hurting my arm so I took it off. The admittance one is nice as it is a soft shade of pink. I am wearing it still partly as a badge that I was a good girl at the doctors (they don't give out lollipops--that sucks) and also because I am wondering if I can start a new fashion fad.

So what happens in the meantime? I just continue to have my dizzy spells until my neurology appointment in September. Fun, fun, fun.

Another fun thing is that the canyon road that is between me and my family was blown up yesterday. There is an explosive factory just at the base of the canyon and they were sending a truck with 35,000 pounds of explosives to Oklahoma. They didn't even get 20 miles up the canyon before they took a turn too fast, crashed, and exploded leaving a crater in the road 30 feet deep and 70 feet wide. Who knows when it will be fixed again. Monday is my Mom's and Mr.3's birthday and we were supposed to meet for dinner, but with the road out a 2 hour drive becomes a 4 hour drive. So who knows what will happen with that. Before the explosion Highway 6 was the 3rd most dangerous road in America, I wonder if this last accident makes it go higher up on the list?

Monday, August 08, 2005

Out of it

This past week, I have been here and not. It is frustrating as I do not know the cause of my remoteness and over-emotionality (and no it isn't PMS, don't go there).
I just have felt like a shell, as in the sense of being fragile and of what is left of me...the problem is I don't know what happened or why the change, I just am at the moment. Those that love me ask what is wrong, and I have no answer for them. It discourages me as much as it does could be a whole host of things: money, my health, my weight, the impending school year, everything and nothing.

This weekend we went out to the Salt Flats for the annual model rocketry convention...four days of rocket madness baby! the great thing that happened was that my father got his level 2 certification, he has been wanting this for a long time and he finally made it, I am very proud of it. Maybe if I get my act together I will post some of the pictures....I have a great one of my little brother sleeping in the car...

Monday, August 01, 2005

My Birthday and a bit of office gossip

So Saturday was my birthday (the big 26) and it went really well. We went to see the new Willy Wonka movie and then out to dinner. It went way much better than Friday, which should have been a good day because it was a day off of work. But I couldn't get a new licsence because the DMV computers had broken down (moreover they had some fire in their offices and it wiped out the statewide system)...that was a waste of driving south...and then on Friday we had new blinds put in that our landlord bought which were so horrible that if they had been there when we first saw the place we wouldn't have moved in...and that made me cry.

ok, what I really want to talk about is some news about the bug. Mr.3 had his meeting with the powers that be here about her conduct 2 Fridays ago (revisit the Putz awards). After an hour long meeting, it was decided that Mr.3 should lodge a formal complaint and demand an inquiry into her actions. He did. And I have made it clear that I am not a part of this, but I think that I am as worried about retributions from the bug as Mr.3 is. The next few weeks should be difficult. But from what Mr.3 got out of the meeting was that they are beginning to think she is "overburdened" with her job duties. In the University system here there is no I think that they are looking for ways to get her out...especially in light of the unspoken FLAS problem that people only allude to here but will not tell me all the details of. Then a little while ago a man from Finacial Aid called and wanted to know who the bug's "direct supervisor" was. No one has ever called the Center wanting to know that information before and by the look on Kate's face after she took the call, it wasn't good in the least. So there seems to be a lot of trouble heading the bug's way, and I am not sure that she is going to survive it. I know that I shouldn't meddle, but part of me wants to give her a heads up to let her know that trouble is coming her way, but on the other hand...she should know when she has messed up and if it is to the point that official inquiries are being made and heads of other departments are talking to her superiors about her conduct, she must know that something is up. So I think what I am going to do is just sit at my desk, pretend not to know what is going on, be silent, and continue to speculate on the blog whenever I get more news...that seems like a wise plan doesn't it?