Friday, December 26, 2008

One more "anniversary" date left

In my recovery from the saga that was Mr.3, I have had a series of various anniversaries that I have emotionally tried to survive. So far, once I have come close to hitting one of those dates I worry that I will be an emotional wreck that day and then later find out that it didn't effect me like I was expecting it too. Yesterday, Christmas day, marked the one year anniversary of my last speaking to Mr.3. On this date last year, he called me at about 9:30 in the morning, told me that he had been released from his VA treatment program and that he would call me again once he got to the house. He never called. Needless to say last Christmas sucked ass..... In fact, if you want to itemize the bad things that Mr.3 has done, that probably tops the list as the most emotionally evil thing to do.
And I didn't even think about him yesterday. It was a relaxing and enjoyable day. There is only one more anniversary date left, that of finding out the truth....and I am pretty sure that day will pass just as quietly as the others.
Looking into the future, I am not going to set out any resolutions, but I am going to look at and re-evaluate my 5 year goal is to be more specific with it than in the past.
Happy Boxing Day everyone!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Back on the Market Again

M came over for dinner last night after the two of us seemed to have spent a week trying to get our schedules to sync up. The evening went well overall, even after he told me that he was going to try counseling with the almost ex. So no more happy bedtimes with M. Which is sad, but I'm not devastated. Don't get me wrong, I really liked him, but I hadn't emotionally invested in him yet. When he left I cried a little bit to get it out of my system and I'm now ok. Cause this didn't have anything to do with me....not my body, not my personality, nothing to do with me. This situation is all about M and the almost ex that he isn't over. Now the view of her that he has given me, isn't positive, and even last night when he was talking at length about the situation the positive bits still were tempered with alot of doubt. She actually lied to him about filing the divorce paperwork, which is a serious problem......and in the light of him being embroiled in such a situation it is probably best that we stop being anything other than friends.

Where does this leave me? Well for one thing, I am still friends with M, and if I can't get the phyisical parts of our relationship I demand to be paid in juicy gossip about the wife and counseling. Why? Cause it will make me feel better by rejoicing that I am not in his shoes right now. I know, I'm such a sweetheart shit. This also leaves me back on the market in the dating sense.....and while I hate the first date thing, I'll make it through. I can go back to flirting without guilt.....not that there was much guilt there to begin with.

And yes, I am annoyed that this happened in the sense that I got back on birth control...then again, I was a little paranoid being initimate with condoms alone. So its best that I am doubly protected.....the situation also prompted me to go for a checkup and get a complete workup done. I've got a clean bill of health....which is a good thing too. All in all, this is a positive learning experience for me.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

This is the face....

of someone who seriously wonders how she managed to get this far in grad school to begin with. I'm just now starting to get back into the school thing again so that I can finish my project. I just have to review an older assignment and in reviewing it, I wonder what I was on. I mean, I know that I was on.....I was on an emotional roller-coaster attempting to finish my last semester of classes while the ex was freaking out on me and leaving me..... but wow-wee did I write a load of crap.

And now, this is the face of someone who just realized that she is slightly embarrassed at the quality of work she turned in in May of 2007..... Ouch.

Ok, I'm gonna try to get back to work. Hopefully.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

A Smack Upside the Head aka Telling Myself to Just Calm Down

Sometimes I wish that the voice of reason in my head would speak up louder. I have this desire sometimes to let myself freak out over nothing.... not only is it not healthy (just the false anxiety alone) but then it also makes you look like you're fucking crazy.

Case in point....the current relationship with M. I haven't seen him for a week, and he has had a busy crazy week so I haven't been able to really talk to him. A week is only seven days.....yet I find myself freaking out about it. It isn't like I haven't been completely unavailable to my friends for a week in the why am I freaking out? Damn good question. Most likely because I really need that rational voice in my head to tell me to "calm down". I can't even really tell you what I am freaking out about.....part of me wants to spend a bunch of time with him, and another part of me doesn't want to deal with anyone or anything. I hate this constant feel of ambivalence.

So let's rationally look at the current relationship, shall we? What has been decided? That we are exclusively dating. Fair enough, I'm still pretty proud of myself for establishing that. How often do we get together? Haven't answered that yet at all. Originally I said that I wanted to see him twice a week.....but can I really handle two nights a week with not much sleep? Really? So I think that I am going to go to seeing him once a week with the occasional twice a week stints. My next step is to actually talk to him about that, so that I can find out what his expectations are. And realistically..... we need to cultivate our friendship more. Before I start bitching about not seeing him enough, I really need to evaluate how much "time" I can handle anyway.

And for now....I really need to stop trying to pick out and predict all possible meanings when he tells me that he doesn't want to get together because he is exhausted. Because he probably really is exhausted. Not everyone was like Mr.3 and trying to manipulate me all the time. M and I came to an agreement that we would be straightforward with each other, and there is no other indication that M isn't being that way with me now.

So need to calm the fuck down.

You've now witnessed my own smack upside the head.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

I wish that I was smart enough to have made this one up

In the course of job 3 I come across some interesting sites, and here is a gem for you all to enjoy: Jones' Big Ass Truck Rental and Storage. The commerical is hilarious but you also need to visit the site to read his bio and his humble beginnings as a "street pharmaceutical sales rep".

Friday, December 12, 2008

New Personal Goal: To Tell People When I am Upset

Progress has been fairly good on the last personal goal of being more decisive, although I still haven't figured out a way on how to accurately measure the accomplishment of these goals yet.

The latest personal goal is to tell people when I am upset. I know that it doesn't sound like much. I originally wanted to put that I wanted to stand up for myself more....but I think that I really need to work my way up to that one. So, I am just going to focus on telling people when I am upset with something that they have done and why.

So far I have done this twice this week. And it is important to note that I haven't just ranted and raved at someone because I am mad....but rather I have tried to constructively raise the topic with someone. I have this strange sense of fairness and it is impossible for me to just let loose on someone (although I envy the inhibitions that some have where they can rant and rave and still get their way somehow). Instead I bring up my reaction/side of the story first, then address what upset me and why. Case in point.....tonight I plan on being in Layton to attend a family thing with Libby's family. I will be fairly close to M. I asked him if I could see him and he turned me down. And this enraged me. He has been resistant to me being at his house, and I suspect that it was why he turned me down in the way that he did (I felt that it was a really lame excuse). In the past I would have just swallowed my anger and kept on doing what I was doing. That is my standard practice.....and it has marred my past relationships...or rather it has just hurt me.

So this is what I did. I let myself calm down first (very important!), and then I wrote him an email explaining things. I needed him to understand that I wasn't trying to insert myself into his home or that I was doing the "booty call" thing, rather that I wanted to just see him. I told him that I have had a really rough emotional week because of the birth control pills and that all I was looking for was a hug. He calms me.....I'm taking the birth control pills because of him.....a little bit of time with him would make me feel better- makes sense right? The most important thing was that I told him that I was upset, and that I was rational and realistic in my reasoning behind that (I had someone else read the email to verify that for me).

If I can accomplish this goal in my personal life, hopefully I will be able to transfer it to my work life. There are so many things that upset me in the center....and I am never sure how to address them. Being able to do this a work as well would make life easier for alot of people?

Thursday, December 11, 2008

& = Ampersand

So I went back on birth control- because I'm stupid and its convenient. This is week one back on them...and I'm frickin' ragin' hormonal. I'm doing a relatively decent job keeping it to myself but ugh! I really hate this! Part of me wants to just beat the tar out of something and the other part just wants to curl up under the covers and never ever leave the warmth of the bed. I think that I am over the rage hump (please, please, please let me be over the hump) cause I am not as angry or as frustrated as I have been the past two days. I need to surround myself with calming people....

In the meantime, I finally got around to getting Amanda Palmer's new album. I love it, especially this song called Ampersand. Oddly enough, I originally learned what an ampersand was from a Fry and Laurie comedy sketch.... but I digress, the lyrics of this song just really hit me, they are so profound...or at least they are in my current state of mind. (only small parts of the song lyrics are included)
i’m not gonna live my life
on one side of an ampersand
and even if i went with you
i’m not the girl you think i am
and i’m not gonna match you
‘cause i’ll lose my voice completely
no, i’m not gonna watch you
‘cause i’m not the one that’s crazy
i have wasted years of my life
agonizing about the fires
i started when i thought that to be strong you must be flame-retardant
and now to dress the wounds calls into question
how authentic they are
and nobody deserves to die, but you were awful adamant
that if i didn’t love you then you had just one alternative
and i may be romantic
and i may risk my life for it
but i ain’t gonna die for you
you know i ain’t no juliet
and i’m not gonna watch you
while you burn yourself out, baby
no, i’m not gonna stop you
‘cause i’m not the one that’s crazy

Friday, December 05, 2008

I Drank My Ex-Husband's Expensive Beer with my New Boyfriend

In fact as we sat there sipping the horribly expensive German imported beer that Mr.3 insisted I buy for him (and then he hardly ever drank them) Mark said "you know, despite all the horrible things he did, your ex has good taste in beer".

Ah beer. What a lovely drink it is, especially when you are enjoying it with someone you like.

So let's talk about the person I like. His name is Mark and he is a mechanic (you might remember the experiment post from earlier). We've been emailing back and forth since before Halloween but we hadn't met until the Saturday before I left to go to the MESA conference. We decided to go see a laser show at the planetarium and met by the Olympic fountain in the Gateway. Even though he was late (a chronic thing with him) there was instant chemistry between us. We walked around the mall for an hour before deciding on something to eat, went to the show, and then afterwards we walked around for 2 hours talking. I could have talked all evening except that the cold was finally sinking into my legs...and it was 1am. So he walked me to my car, I drove him to his, and there was a brief kiss. We went out again the following Tuesday, went back to my house and talked for a couple hours, and then he spent the night. Of course, I was supposed to fly out the next morning and hadn't packed yet, which made it an interesting morning. And unlike my recent encounter with the mailman (worse sex of entire life), my evening and every evening since with Mark has been the best sex of my life.

I find myself in a relationship now and also without a blog nickname for Mark. Maybe I'll call him M until I figure out something more fitting. M is still in the process of a divorce, and he admitted to me that it would be unfair to say that he is completely over his 'almost ex'. I have to admit the same. We have decided on a low-key yet exclusive relationship. At the moment, we have only been able to manage seeing each other once a week (its an excellent once a week though) but I would like to up it to twice a week..... which is completely in the realm of possibility.

Things are very different with him then what I am used to. Mr.3 was publically affectionate but wasn't in private. M doesn't do the PDA thing, but when we are alone he is very affectionate. In fact he likes to cuddle while asleep, which I am definitely not used to. Mr.3 and I would cuddle for a minute and then separate to our respective sides of the bed. M reaches out and holds me in the night. Of course this makes me an extra light sleeper but one day I hope to wake up and realize that I have comfortably spent the night in his arms (and I am aware of how cliche that line sounds). I've been so used to being rejected that I am not sure how to handle the opposite situation.

How does this leave things? Well...I am plesantly happy and excited about being with M. In fact, I am making plans (while writing this) to see him on Sunday---(yeah! I've hit my twice a week!) and I'm sure that you expect future gushiness on this blog about him.