Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Some shaky first steps...

I've been trying to be better about sharing my feelings with people this last year. I am not sure if I have been successful or not, but today I thought that rather than just saying this in chat to someone, or write a facebook post, that I would come back to this here lovely chronicle of my life.

I am trying to go off of the depression meds.  Originally when I started there was no way to parce out what was stress, what was anxiety, what was depression, etc.  Everything was just put under a heading of DEPRESSION in big horrible letters.  There is part of me that thinks that I shouldn't do this.....that I will never be ready.  I have to keep reminding myself that I only wanted the medication to be a bridge, a temporary respite before I was able to reconnect to my body again.

I have now been off of the depression meds long enough that they should be out of my body.  I started to notice some bodily changes a couple of days ago, but today was the first time that I realized that I was over thinking something to my detriment.  I've taken half of a pill that I am supposed to take when I feel the anxiety taking hold.  It is a small thing, but it feels like a victory.  A month or so ago I had realized that I had been having a low-grade panic attack for a couple of days....I thought that it was depression.  Once I saw and treated it as a panic attack, I felt much better.

So I ask that people be patience with me during this process.  If I clam up, don't let me.  If I cry, let me cry... but don't let me berate myself for crying.  I give people the space and permission to cry all the time, I need to start allowing myself that as well. 

Also, please help me remember these things:
  • Being my own worst critic will one day be the death of me.
  • Insecurities are not weakness, they are limits we have placed on ourselves.
  • There is nothing wrong with me needing people.
  • If I tell others that "I don't seek perfection from them, I seek intention" in their actions...I need to ask the same from

I need to find comfort in my own badassery.  I am smart; I am capable; I am enough.  I need to stop letting that big pit that says I will never be respected or acknowledged for my abilities be filled with the knowledge that I can.  That pit dictates so much of my drives me to distraction, it prevents me from finishing projects that really do show my abilities.  It tells me that not only will I end up alone in life, but also that there is something within me that is so flawed that I deserve it. That pit needs to go in the worst way.