Thursday, November 29, 2007

Perks of the Job

So at the Center I do our podcasts.... this also leaves me the opportunity to get interviews with anyone that we have to speak. While I want to do the interviews, it doesn't mean that I don't panic about sounding stupid during the I research a lot, and end up running to the bathroom too often for comfort.

Today we had our first speaker in our new lecture series, Philip Gordon, who spoke about his book Winning the Right War. The interview was a first for me in the fact that I felt relaxed during the interview. He was also a master at the sound bite and the interview was much shorter than my normal interviews and I had to ad-lib some questions in order to fill the time. Hopefully, once I finish with the episode the interview will still be good.

In any case, I highly recommend the book. He had some incredibly sound policy recommendations...and maybe when I am not so tired I will write a more complete review of it.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007


I listened to Dr. Laura on the radio yesterday just so that I could be angry at someone I didn't know.

It was quite effective therapy.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

I swear I can not do anything right

So the family is concerned that I am having a mental is nothing new. I have been slowing breaking down for months and months and months. Is it just now that I can not hold back the emotion from showing on my face. So....all of a sudden it is a big deal. All of a sudden Jimmy decides that he can not handle watching this happen and is going to move out as soon as he can. It is too painful for him.

Big fucking deal.

Him wanting to move out because he feels it is time, or that he wants his own space, is one thing. but him wanting to move out because I am depressed and showing it is another. To use that as the reason for moving out is a big slap in the face. You have problems....and while I love you, I just don't want to see them. Like I could have gotten away with that excuse when he had problems or when my mom was so bad when I was younger. No, I stuck it out....

I guess that is the difference between him and me. I have always been the one who had to stay, who had the responsibility to keep everyone together. I carry everyone`s burdens around for them. But no one can witness my is too much. Me showing any sort of weakness, showing any sort of human emotion is too much for those around me. They have to leave. Or in Mr. 3`s case.....he just ignores me for a couple of days and hopes that I am not being as emotional the next time that he bothers to contact me.

Well, fuck you all.

It isn't like I haven't been telling you that this is happening. I guess everyone just dismissed it for me being overly dramatic....because I can handle anything, right? I have been asking for help and support....but I really don't need it, right? I can obviously handle anything.

So fine. I am just going to pour my heart our here....pour it all out for you to see. Make you watch my suffering. And then, you can just close your eyes to it....shrug me off. She is just being overly emotional, overly dramatic. She can handle anything. Just let her type until she runs off the steam.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

no wonder

cash advance

Letter to my husband

I can't hold on anymore. I am so tired of being miserable.
I went to a baby shower today. And I sort of sat in a lump the whole time. Someone was passing a baby around and I didn't even try to get an opportunity to hold it. When in the past, I would have been socializing with everyone, I would have pushing to be able to hold and play with the baby. But I didn't. I felt like a pretender. A married woman with a ghost of a husband, a ghost of a life. I listened to everyone talk about the trivial little fights that they had with their husbands, and them complain at how things get so boring sometimes...and I feel so alien among them. It is so wrong to be jealous of that triviality? To want the mundane, even if it means that I live a boring existence...just as long as I am not alone in that boring existence?

I did so well, for so long, hiding the pain. I just can't anymore, it bleeds sweat making makeup run.

And now, people just assume that I am being over emotional. You do it. You tell me that all you want is your best friend back. But your best friend never left, she is still where you left her. Dealing with that abandonment on a daily basis....struggling between hating you for leaving me, and between wanting you so badly. Wanting you here so that I could feel complete. I try to confide in you, try to tell you what I am feeling. But you shrug it off, shrug me off.

It seems that Jimmy now feels that it is ok to treat me disrespectfully as well. I guess that is because I let you. He doesn't pick up after himself. He sweeps stuff out of his room and leaves it and the broom out in the other room for me to handle. He dyes his hair and leaves permanent pink stains all over the bathroom and the rug....leaves a giant white bleach stain on the cream rug. I tell him these things that he is doing. I show them to him. And all he does is just shrug, look at it, and walk away. He doesn't apologize. Doesn't clean it up. He only acknowledges that it exists and leaves it for me to clean up.

Where I felt that I was being taken advantage of by one man, now it is two. However, if I tell either of you about it, if I voice legitimate concerns, I'm just shrugged off....I'm just being overly emotional.

Here's the crazy thing. You know me! You know what I am like, and you know that this is NOT like me. This is not my true self....but a self that is reacting in a perfectly natural way to a horrible situation. Just like your PTSD symptoms are a natural reaction to the horrific events that have happened to you.

I don't want to go to a shrink. I don't want to have to go to a stranger and tell them my life story just so that they can pat me on the head and tell me that it will get better. I don't want to go to another person who is just going to shrug me off as well as soon as that hour is up. I don't want to be put on medication. I'm in a stupor as it is, it makes no difference in the grand scheme of things if I am in a stupor but with a smile on my face. A fake smile. Painted on.

I should be working right now....but I'm so tired. Tired of having to do everything on my own. Tired of looking into a future without you...a future where I would have to be doing everything on my own. Or worse yet, the thought of a future with you, but a future where I am still doing everything on my own. The thought of that is a prison sentence. I am in prison.

I'm in prison and I am guilty of no crime.

I didn't do anything to deserve this. I've always gone through life with the notion that if I was a good person and was good to other people that I would have a good life. This is not a good life. This is hell.

There has to be a way out of this. There has to be some reprieve. If you are where you say you are, they have to tell you when you can leave. They have to allow you visitors. This is a violation of their oath= to do no harm. Because all this is now harm. It is leaving unnecessary scars...wounds that just fester and won't ever heal.

I can't be happy or positive anymore, it's gone. My reserve has dried up. You didn't come home for Thanksgiving....I haven't heard your voice in weeks. And I know that you won't come home for Christmas or the New Year or our next Anniversary and I that I am just going to turn into this wreck of a hysteric woman whose husband deserted her and couldn't let her go.

I need to be free of this.

And I know that you will read this, and frown....and then shrug it off. I'm going to post this on my that others can read this, and shrug it off too. I'm just going to keep pounding my head against the wall until the wall crumbles or my head caves in. I'm going to do these things, because I am beyond the point where I have the power to do anything constructive about it. I'm beyond hope. I keep reaching for you to save me, and you're not there....

I love you.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Thanksgiving Vampire Racoons

It's 4 in the morning, I can't sleep, and I am lying in wait to see if I can catch my husband online. Which sounds just as crazy as it is.

Today will be the first Thanksgiving meal that I have ever made....and it will most likely be just for Jimmy and I....unless a miracle happens and Mr.3 comes home. But let's be honest shall we? It won't. It won't happen because I want it to happen, it won't happen because it might bring me up a bit. Even with the good karma points that I have been racking up continually lately...I think that all of those points just get sucked away when it comes to something good happening with Mr.3.

Back to the turkey....I am going to attempt to cook the turkey in a slow cooker....this is due partly to having a reason to justify buying the slow cooker that I did the other day. That was Monday, and it was crazy. Due to office phone coverage I had to be in the office until 3, then it was off to Babies R Us for a baby shower gift. That place was complete sensory overload! Then of course, I decided that since I was down near the new World Market, which was also sensory overload. Then it was off to Costco, Williams and Sonoma, and then the regular grocery store in which I searched for 25 minutes in vain looking for toothpicks. It was four and a half hours of grocery errands, in which I because resentful of the mom-ish role I felt I was taking on.

I get home and Jimmy and his friend Rose want a ride home from a late-night movie. I figured that if I was going to be up to pick them up anyway that I might as well join them for the movie. It was 30 Days of Night, which I thought was pretty damn good. The vampires were NOT some romantic ideal, very animal like, and reproduced and fed like zombies...just being bitten meant that you could turn into one. There was just blood everywhere in the film, they were very messy eaters and I found myself quite annoyed at the way they wasted the food. Of course, it took an hour of winding down at home in order to cleanse the mind of the movie before bed. As to that, all I can say is that it was better that we had the run-in with the racoon in our back yard before we saw the movie...because all of us would have totally freaked out if it had happened afterwards.

Yesterday, all of my nervous energy got translated over into a 9 hour cleaning frenzy. Yes, nine hours. I re-did the back storage area, I cleaned out a glory hole that has been piling up in the dining room for over a year now, I finally put some wall decorations up over the oddly bare wall over the piano...I scoured the kitchen.... the house is definitely "visitor ready", but I haven't the nerve to invite anyone over for dinner today, although there will be plenty of food available. The house feels complete in some way.

Which is frustrating. The house feels complete, work is going great, I had a wonderful third job alternative (yes, I know, but it is a Global Voices thing) come up....I just have all of this great stuff happening around me and to me...but it isn't right yet, it isn't complete. I just want him to come home. Thanksgiving is our holiday, the anniversary of that first sweet time of the two of us falling in love. And the memory of it makes my heart ache.

in any case....Happy Thanksgiving everyone! If I destroy the turkey, I'll be sure to let you know!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Stock Tip

Invest in Kleenex Tissues! Invest I say! It will be worth it by the end of this sickness!

Land of the Living Mucus

Jimmy gave me some mucusy thing that he got while working out at the haunted house...and it mutated in my body. Ugh. I have actually taken sick time at work. and I never take sick time. I find that I can't relax anymore...I just don't know how...I mean, I was stumbling around like a drunkard the other day with this sickness, yet I was still attempting to wash the dishes.

My webMD coach wanted me to set aside 15 minutes a day where I did something like read or sew so that I could learn to relax again. It isn't working very well....although I must say that there is agreeable symmetry in the fact that I was suffering from the flu and reading a history book on the 1918 flu pandemic.... it still means that I am messed up in the head.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

My Turtles Have a Crush on Tom Selleck

Apparently the turtles are adjusting to the move into the living room (and the new coconut litter bark) better than I thought. The angry looks stopped after a couple of days....I was expecting at least a week on animosity.

They can watch people on the street during the day and TV at night. Yes, I said TV. The other night I was watching the movie Quigley Down Under....about halfway through the movie I looked over at the turtles who were both turned facing the tv and watching with rapt attention. They stayed that way, did not stir, until the credits started to roll.

Apparently the turtles understand that credits are the end of something, who knew?

I have been watching them for the past few days to see if it is just the tv that they are watching or certain shows. And so far, if it is a quiet show they are not interested....but if there is a noticeable soundtrack- the music gets their attention. They have always liked music, they bob their heads in time to it. However, nothing yet has transfixed them as Quigley Down Under.

Ahhh.... the power of Tom Selleck..