Thursday, July 29, 2004

I have been crossing horns with JB today. She started whining about curriculum and I wasn't going to give in to her. Then yesterday TA office scheduling went into my hands and well as keys because they go hand in hand. Well yesterday she had no problem giving me all of the old keys but said that she didn't have anything else. So I called the key shop and they are sending me a print-out of everything. Today she tells me that she does have a key file with all of the information that I need in it, but she wouldn't give the damn thing to me because of "security". Bitch. I finally managed to get her to hand the file, but I had to plead with her with "may I look at the file for a moment, I'll put everything into a database for you". What a wench! I had to bait her with doing extra work to make her look good. AHHHHH! And she is making her daugthers come and clean tomorrow and I know that she is going to try to move those stupid file cabinets...I am going to talk to her about it. Mandy came in, very sympathic, which was nice. And apparently she used to handle keys when she was in my JB needs to just fucking back off!!! Her work load is too much anyway. God! She pisses me off!!! Thank god I have tomorrow off.

So tomorrow, we are going to go to Huntington for a picnic. The move I want to see will be showing in Price, so we are going to stay there and see it, and then to Sonic for dinner. I just want a super low-key birthday.

And in further cool news..."I" has ok-ed it that I am the grad advisor for Model Arab League, and I can work on stuff for it during my work time--as long as it doesn't conflict with other duties. YEAH!1! This also means that I get to go to DC.
and because of this great news, I am not going to apply for JB or Beth's jobs when they open up, I am staying right here. Yeah!

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

All right, it is official. Well I guess that it isn't totally official until "I" says it is, but since Mandy called me and told me I can say that it is Debbie official. But Mandy isn't coming back. She was really worried that we were going to be upset with her but of course we aren't, we all understand that she wants to stay at home with her baby. This makes me sad. But it is good to know what is going on.
JB on the other hand is floating on air and already pancing around like the job is hers...over my dead body is all I can say.
In a poll done by National Geographic people would rather marry a drug addict or an embezzeler than marry someone who is fat. Ouch, doesn't help my self esteem or my faith in humanity.
Could it really be? Can I hope?

Apparently JB mentioned to Linda that Friday was her official last day and that she had a bunch of job interviews coming up. Even though I know that Mandy hasn't officially told us when and if she is coming back yet, I wonder if JB is just going to be fed up with the situation and just go. Oh, please, please, please..let that be the case. If it is true than Friday is her last day, the day that I am taking off. Can there be a better birthday present? I think not. Well...unless it was a million dollars.

Monday, July 26, 2004

Watched/listened to the live coverage of the democratic convention. The clintons kicked ass! However, they are going to be a really really tough act to follow, I hope Kerry manages to give a good speech. My favorite quote from the speech (refering to the republicans) "They need a divided America, but we don't."
Watched/listened to the live coverage of the democratic convention. The clintons kicked ass! However, they are going to be a really really tough act to follow, I hope Kerry manages to give a good speech. My favorite quote from the speech (refering to the republicans) "They need a divided America, but we don't."
My brother thinks that he looks stupid in the picture below, but I refuse to take it off. In fact, I printed it off and it is hanging on my desk a work.
Muuuhhh hhhaaa hhhaa haa haa!

Sunday, July 25, 2004

Possibly the best picture of my little brother--ever! Posted by Hello
Paul on Thursday told me that in order to end the 4 year sex-absence that I should just hang out at Frat houses on Friday and Saturday nights around midnight-1am. I don't think that Paul understands that getting a one-night stand is not my problem. There are plently of those to be had. Call me crazy but I would like to know the first and last name of the person I sleep with, instead of a hap-hazard post-it note left on the bed-side table explaining how they had a great time, but don't call. Last monday I had dinner with Kelly and her "friend" Doug (they are both disabled and have the possibility of making a very very cute couple) I took a couple of pictures of them and sent them to Doug. Apparently I made a really good impression on Doug because me asked me out. This is not what I need. I told him no, but it really pissed me off. So apparently to the Frat house list for places of possible lovin' I need to add group homes as well.

In another semi-related note...I am starting to panic about the San Fran conference thing. Kani seemed to possibly take the bait, but he has already bought his tickets. Then again I could be diluting myself, yet again on his reactions/feelings which is kind of making me a closet drama queen. I don't plan on coming out with this or anything towards him---I know that he abhors overly dramatic women, but likes it when they are quick-witted---that can be a really fine line. So back to the panic, besides the fact that this is a conference that I really want to go too (without him being there) I am partly worried that I will let my ego get trambled on yet again. One day I might learn, but the probablity of that happening is not high. The other problem is that the second job thingy is not going too well, as I can't really seem to get one---September is getting really really close...ugh. I am going to ask my Dad if I can borrow his credit card, but this is an option that I really don't like as I know that he would probably help me, but really can't afford it. It makes me extra selfish in a way--even though I will pay him back, someday....soon.

In other news, one of my uncle's horses died. My mom is talking to him on the phone right now. He was really shaken up about it, he puts everything into them, all of his money but more importantly his soul. If he didn't have others to care for he would have just shut down like he did when Bar died, which is the horse that he had when I was a little kid.

Friday, July 23, 2004

James hammin' it up in my sunglasses Posted by Hello

James coloring in all of his sweetness Posted by Hello

The Libster trying to look interested on the horses with her nephew James Posted by Hello

I actually don't know who this kid was or who she belongs to, but her mom didn't seem to care that she was eating the fake playfood in the exhibit Posted by Hello

Yeah, the staff at the children's museum have some issues Posted by Hello
I went to the Childern's Museum today with Libby and her cute little nephew James today. I had the day off because the 24th is Pioneer Day here in Utah. The day where Brigham Young first came into the Salt Lake Valley with the Mormon pioneers and for some god-awful reason said "This is the place"
But hey, it is a paid state holiday so it can't be too bad. I am going to post some of the pictures of today up on the site.

Finally, I uploaded it, is that not the coolest stencil in the world, it is of two skeletons kissing. Posted by Hello
Well I was in true form last night, I was animated and quite wity---without alcohol. Although Paul hadn't seen me interact with people outside of work and he wasn't quite prepared for it. But you know that you are funny when you have people at the other tables laugh and repeat your jokes.

Kani wrote back (I had sent him an email telling him about coming to San Fran for that conference) he remarked that I should bring someone along for that long drive, so I told him that if he wanted he could come with me. I don't think that I can be more obvious than that, so hopefully he takes the bait.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

Oh, yes. I am lame. I really really have to work on my flirting skills. Doug came in today and we ran out of stuff to talk about, although we were both trying to keep the conversation going.

Kani put out a new article today, quite good, much better than the dribble of last time. Apparently he is still on his Euripedes quote kick, but I guess that is ok, I forwarded this to him. I think that it is right up his alley.

Well I haven't cracked today, only done work when it came up. So I am going to re-check the stat counter and then work on my grad school application until Libby gets here.
Day Two of the actively doing nothing at work campaign. It seems to be going well, but I think that I am going to crack by this afternoon.

Roberta came in to see "I" today, we spoke a little Turkish and man, am I rusty! Or pasli, as the case may be. Maybe one day i will blog entirely in Turkish. I have been trying to track down any Turkish blogs, but have not had much success with the exception of this weird guy with a Tarkan fetish. But I will keep searching. And trying to find any Kurdish blogs from Turkish Kurdistan, forget that noise. Iraqi Kurds have been active, and so has Iranian Kurds----hello Syria and Turkey why aren't you in on this. I have let Kani know but nothing as of yet.

Tonight, me and the Libster are going to play pool with Paul, man, he better be buying or else.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Absolutely nothing.

That is all that I have done today. It's pretty cool. I goofed off on the internet all day, applied for a couple of jobs, answered the phones when they rang, and everyone thought that I was busy all day. JB asked me to do some filing for her and I did it right away,and she was worried that she was asking me to do too much and that if I was really busy that it was alright to tell her that I couldn't. Silly silly woman, silly silly office.

Well I've gotta go---it is off to the dentist today.
Someone once remarked to me that the bravest thing that I have ever done is go to a movie alone. Which sometimes, you have to do because you can't find anyone who wants to go with you. I went and saw the movie Control Room last night, it was wonderful!!! And everyone should see it! It is about how Al Jazeera covered the Iraq war and how they handled being objective and the struggles that any news stations goes through in their attempts at being fair and balanced. You should definitely go.

In other news, they found the head of the guy that was beheaded in Saudi Arabia. They had kept in a freezer, and they don't know where the rest of the body is. It makes me sick, those militants call themselves Muslims, yet they can not even respect their victim's bodies once they are dead. Bastards that they are.

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

No fumes today, ahumduallah!
Mom was in town for a meeting yesterday and so Jimmy was at the office with me most of the day, I love him, but damn he is annoying. Mom gave money for food, so I had fast food with Jimmy and then after work we went out to eat again to IHOP, man I came home and all I wanted was an apple, but I was still nauseuos from the fumes at work and didn't eat it. Since I was with my Mom I missed the workout group. So I thought, what the hell, let's do an exercise tape. I did Tae-bo, for the first time, it was fun and I was kind of proud that I almost made it through the whole tape. I had to do a lot of walking because I couldn't do more than one set of kicks with my knees. I am sore today but I feel good. I am only going to put myself thru that hell once a week.

Hakan came back today and was really really mad at JB because his travel checks weren't all ready and those that were, were screwed up somehow. It was really hard not to laugh as I watched her trying to cover her butt. She really doesn't know what she is doing I think. Hakan stated his frustration with the bureacrucy at being "stuck between Bush and Debra" hee hee hee
Roberta is back today as well. I really missed her. She spoke to me a little in Turkish but I just couldn't form any decent sentences today--I really have to work on my stuff or I am going to completely lose all that I have worked so hard for. I told her about how I was kind of bored and that I had spent 3 days scanning in text for prof. Sluglett. She said that I was really nice for doing that especially because it isn't part of my job. And you know, it isn't. A lot of the stuff that I do everyday really isn't part of my job. I find it very difficult having a job that does not require you to think. So I am going to make a list of things to do when I am bored, which unforuately means that all I am doing lately is stuff to do when I am bored. What lovely fun my life is. I am purposely going to do nothing at all until 5 today. Just sit.
I have some new pictures to put up, maybe I will get to that tonight.

Monday, July 19, 2004

It is just awful in here at the moment! They are doing some restoration work in the auditorium upstairs and some chemical that they are using is just attacking everyone. It started around 1, but at the moment it is unbearable. I called facilities and maintainence, and they forwarded me to the Environmental Hazards department (and trust me that is really not a department that you want to call during your work day) they aren't sure what exactly they used, but the stopped work in there until they can figure it out. Their recommendation for people like me who work in an office with little or no ventilation...go out and get some fresh air. Wow, thanks, I wish that I could have found out about that before I started to hallucinate.

Sunday, July 18, 2004

Alright, I am hopefully going to get the stupid link thingy to work. Click here to see my work website.
Hummm, and now blogger looks like it is back to normal.
Anyway, the new camera came yesterday morning, and it is a lot of fun, but boy does it burn the batteries. The fam is down for the weekend and we went to the aqaurium (which I believed to have been finished-but it is only a "preview" at the moment) and the plantarium (which is where we took the pictures from below). It is very rare to get pictures of my mom, so you should feel extra extra special that you got to see her. My dad and I both agree that it is an excellent picture of her and we plan on using it in any way that we can. I also got a photo printer, which is quite nice. However stupid salesman man really doesn't know his stuff. He told me that there would be paper with it, and there wasn't. Good thing that I bought extra. And the type that I bought was for postcards, so we are going to send the extended fam the postcard/picture things. Grandparents will just love it!
Well I should go, Mom's up and the bathroom is free. Jimmy wants to get more hermies today, but I think that Mom is just going to kill him if he brings up the subject anymore.

My Dad, the rocketman Posted by Hello

My little bro...we all really knew that he was a martian, now I have proof. Posted by Hello

My mom the closet weathergirl. Posted by Hello

Friday, July 16, 2004

Freaky, Blogger changed on me in the last 2 days. I have been silent but things happened. I talked to "I" about JB the other day and he just proved how awesome he is as a boss. Nothing has changed, but I feel better knowing that I am not alone in some of my frusrations, and that I have someone to talk to about it. Also we opened up a new line of communication so that if I do anything wrong, or he sees areas in which I can improve, he can talk to me without worrying that I will freak out or anything. Not that I would, but I think that he has been scarred in the past.

Bought myself an early B-day gift, a digital camera. It comes in next Wednesday and I am super excited. Now I will put more pictures up on here, so that my site isn't "too boring" as Jimmy would say.

I was supposed to go to the rocket show this weekend but they cancelled it. My Dad is a bit bummed, but next month is the national show and we are going to go and see that. It will be on the salt flats. the fam is still coming down this weekend, we are going to go to the Aquarium so that Jimmy can get a crab fix, man, that boy is just nuts over hermit crabs. If you are curious to see his "not boring because it has pictures website" look at I am going to mess with Blogger this weekend and get the link thingy to work.

I should probably go, I have done shit today, so I guess in my last hour I should at least feign some semblence of work. Later

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

I went to a NUDIE BAR last night!!! I paniked a bit at the door, but I did go in and filled out an application. It doesn't seem like it is that bad of a place to work, it was very clean and hardly smoky at all.
CRAZY ALERT!! Weird lady came in today and told us about how her identity had been taken by someone who she believes to live on 5th and F avenue. Apparently this 30-something woman is stating that she is a doctor and is even dressing in the same clothes as this woman. She also has this woman's CIA Id number and may be part of a "volitile" group known as "taste the difference" which is doing something awful in her name. Hee hee, it was soo funny. Her outfit was just outrageous! But her impersonator apparently is wearing the same pleated thing. And also has her hair is dyed the same awful color. So if you see anyone attempting to impersonate Lisa Goldstein please call the local FBI office or the police, because remember she is THE REAL CIA AGENT. Man, we should have asked for her ID.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Mandy called today while I was out at lunch. She needed to talk to "I" about her coming back, I am worried that she isn't. And while I would completely understand if she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, that would five JB just enough leeway to try to be the permanent AA, and I don't think that I could handle that.
What an evil fun day today is. I came in, said Hello to JB and haven't said one word really since. She told me that her therapist got angry with her for using her arm to much, and that it was going to land her back in the hospital. The entire time she was telling this story she was talking with her hands...hee hee. Currently she is on the phone with the payroll people who since they just re-did the system won't put her on because she will be leaving at the end of the month. It's really funny. Her doctor also said that she shouldn't be driving and she was fishing for a ride from me, but I am not going to offer. If she asks me, then I might consider it, but I will not offer.

On the way to work today I saw the coolest stencil, it was 2 skeleton's kissing. I wish that I had a digital camera so that I could take a picture for you. I am considering getting myself one and buying it at RCWilley with my account---maybe a birthday gift to myself? Hummm... like the idea. Oh gotta go, she's coming

Monday, July 12, 2004

I messed with the template of the MAL page, yeah I messed that up. But I think that I managed to fix it, so it isn't completely destroyed. Now if I can just find the patience to figure out the link thing on this one I would be set. BUt I have done enough blog setting stuff for tonight.

I think that the closer I get to the end of JB's time at the office, the more impatient I become with her, well impatient is quite the word---I just want to kill her in am awful way, no not kill....I just want to help her in physical therapy...that would be nice... "Does that hurt...good, go with the pain, we must reteach your arm how to move...don't pull have to deal with the pain first...." Damn that was a bit evil. Well the gift thing that ticked me off, continues to do so...good thing that I went to the store this weekend to get some stuff to wrap because she sure as hell didn't. Then when "I" came in for a couple of minutes I gave him the bags...he didn't seem to happy about it. Just wait until she crashes his step-daughter's wedding. She asked me if I was going, told her that I wasn't because I didn't know the bride..JB apparently thought that my reason was a bad reason not to go...I was supposed to go because it is my boss's daughter. Call me crazy but I am under the belief that if my boss wanted me to go, he would have invited me.. oh well, sucks to be sane I guess.

Libby gave her notice at the bookstore today, so doesn't have another job yet but I think that if she stays there any longer she will go postal. Tomorrow she is going to come over and we are going to go to a couple places so that I can apply for another job---because I really really want to go to San Fran in September.

Worked out with Ann, it has been a couple weeks, but it sure felt good to be back.

Sunday, July 11, 2004

Kani wrote back last night, he wasn't mad at me, which I guess it ok. And his email was another one of those things where his meaning could be blurred. I veil things in my emails to him, and this last one seemed like he was doing the same thing. But let's keep the obvious option open shall we, I AM OVER ANAYLIZING EVERYTHING,yet again. There is a conference on Kurdish studies in September, in San Fran, that he will be speaking at, and while there are many other speakers that I want to see there also---I think that I am going to go. If I do go, I am going to do it right. I am going to stay in a nice hotel close to where the conference is, and I am going to make sure that I have funds enough with me to make sure that I enjoy myself. I have done San Fran on a shoestring so many times, that I wonder what it would be like to live it up a little. In order to do this I am going to have get a second job, but something in me tells me that I need to do this. I feel like I am on a precipice, I must lean over the edge.
Other not so pressing/profound things for Possession and Best in Show, like them both. I like Possession better this time when I saw it, I was too close to the book last time and couldn't appreciate it for its real worth. I finished the Count of Monte Cristo this morning, what a cool book. I am going to start the 3 musketeers tonight when I get back to Salt Lake, I might as well continue with the Alexander Dumas kick that I am on. And last night we went to Spiderman 2, excellent---I love it when love prevails...I am a sucker for a good love story.
Tomorrow it is back to Day 14 of the office purgatory countdown. I bought gift bags for those stupid gifts JB just had to buy for the wedding that she made me beg for an invitation for. God, I hate how she put me in that position. I didn't want to get a gift, and I sure as hell didn't want to go that the wedding. And although I passed the invite along to everyone in the office, you just know that JB will go. I can picture it, she will walk in with her and her horde, and "I" will give a short paniked look to his wife "why the hell is she here?" and Melanie will just have to nod "I had to invite her, it wouldn't have been proper otherwise they had gotten a gift." What a bitch JB is.

Saturday, July 10, 2004

Here is one of my favorite pictures of Diyarbakir, ahh home. I can't wait to go back. Posted by Hello
So day 15 of the unoffical JB leave Countdown went well. She kept complaining all day about how here arm hurt when she used it. The answer to her problem would NOT USING THE ARM! I was just not symphatic towards her at all and I think that she sensed it.

Kani wrote back to my Mom, he called her "spirited" hee hee, she is but it just sounds a bit funny coming from him. He also worte about how I was a "true daughter of Kurdistan" and that he wished that there were 100 more of me so that one of them could be the next Joan of Arc or (Joan of Arch as he put in the email) call me crazy, she became a saint and all, but she did lose the war and was burned at stake by the English. I don't know if I am ready for that sacrifice. Also, I think that their are plenty of Kurdish marytrs to go around. I would reather be remember for action, not smoke. But Kani still hasn't written to me. Damnit! He said that he would. And I am so curious as to his reaction to my email that it is killing me. Why build me up to my mom? Trust me, she's bias and already knows how great I am. Is he afraid too? Or is it just going to be the huge novel about how I am a total bitch, I would be cool with that, it just has to come that's all.
Driving down to my parents I had this thought, that Kani is the sterotypical melodramatic Kurdish male. He reminds me of that character in the film Marooned in Iraq who gets everything stolen from him. He is hanging out on a snow capped mountain in his undershirt. His friends go by, he tells them his story, they offer him a coat and he turns them down because someone is coming with a mule for him. Then they leave and he continues to wail and rips his shirt off making the whole situation worse. I think that the whole Kurdish question can be wrapped up in that scene. They get offered a coat when they need it but turn in down because they are waiting for the mule.

So today I have been hanging with the little Bro. Hi Jimmy. He won't read my blog because it has too much writing on it and not enough pictures. What a goof, I love him, but he is a goof.

Thursday, July 08, 2004

bit of gossip, apparently when Ann left last Friday (her last day) at the Bookstore, she left Paul's birthday card, which apparently was signed, but never given to him, torn in a hundred little pieces on his desk. Yeah, he was mad. Went to Earl the store director, who was equally as mad. They wrote a letter to be added to her file at Human Resources and to her new bosses at the Registar's Office. I hope that she doesn't find out about it, that would be awful to know. But then again, I am kind of disappointed in her childish behavior. When Paul told me I was in such shock that I couldn't think of anyway of defending her.
Yesterday was a wonderful day, I was relaxed and spent most of the day playing with photoshop and splicing Madonna's head into a Kabbalah diagram for Lenowitz's class flyer. But today, I walked in, smelt JB's perfume and all of this anxiety and tension went into my shoulders. It was her first day back from her surgury. she was only here until 3, but that was enough. I am in the office not even 2 minutes when she starts telling me about plans to move more filing cabinets around. God, just leave them where they are. Who fucking cares! We also did the welcome back card and cheesecake mini-party for her. I came up with the idea, and arranged it so that everyone could be there, but I just couldn't face niceness. I was made to feel obligated to do something for her and it still pisses me off. While we were eating, June was telling this story about a cuckoo clock, and "I" didn't know what that was. It isn't something that they have in Egypt you know. But JB's daughter was there (she is in college) and completely rolled her eyes and gave her mom this "he is for real look?" and she nodded back smuggly. Here is the thing, beside being incredibly rude, "I" SAW THE WHOLE EXCHANGE!! I know that he did, because he looked at me right afterwards. I mean come on!! Rudeness obviously runs in the family, but at least "I" and I wouldn't invite our bosses to our house when it looked like hers did. Who is better than who here? And yes, I am going to make an incredibly egotistical remark here: I am better than that! Other things that she did today weren't too bad, in fact I had expected worse. She had me read an email outloud to her, I thought it was her arm that was hurt not her eyes, but all right. and then she insisted on typing some labels for more files, I am not sure why she didn't have me do them, that is her normal trick. But she started doing the
well the next time you go and get folders in the back" whine. I had already prepared myself for that and had them in my file cabinet. So I put the labels on the folders for her. Half of the names were typed wrong, I re-did a few of them, but it annoyed me because I knew that if I had done that crappy of a job she would have gotten mad at me for it and given me another one of her "in order to be a good secretary" speeches. Fuck that. And while I have had more important things to do today I haven't really gotten around to any of them because I would start something then she would call me in there. So I haven't done anything at all today, but I think that I am going to make out a definite timeline for tomorrow. well making the timeline isn't going to be that helpful, but it will take up some time today.

Also we are not really sure when Mandy is coming back. JB said today that it was the 1st of August, June said that it was the 26th of this month. I emailed Mandy to find out. But if I base the date on the first of next month, take out the weekends, and the 30th (my birthday and I am taking it off) I would only have to deal with JB for 15 more days (not counting today)---the offical countdown will begin tomorrow. "I" left for a conference in Paris today. It was so fun when he was here and not JB, yesterday he left his office open and played Arabic pop music really loud, and he sang along, lots of fun.

Had the dentist fill in the root canal yesterday. A good tech makes all the difference. When she put the dental dam on she total ripped up my gums, which throbbed all during the procedure. In fact today my tooth doesn't hurt but the gums sure do.

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

If I have to pee one more time today I will scream!

So I finally managed to talk to Libby today, I probably won't see her for a while now that she is assistant stage manageing for Colin, but I visited her earlier today and had a break with her. I told her about Kani, but I just couldn't explain it so that she could understand how I feel. Damn I am pathetic in that annoying I-think-that-I-have-drama-in-my-life drama queen kinda way. And no he hasn't written and I think that I am holding out little hope that he will. Bastard.

It is funny how many calls that I get in a single day from the press. I really wish that one, this marine thing had never happened, and two that his family wasn't living in Salt Lake. I am sure that some think that calling the Middle East Center is a novel idea but it really isn't. So far I have talked to Carol Mikita from channel 5 and Brent Hundsaker from channel 4, wanting to interview "I". I just keep passing them on. Do you think that they realize that they have to get through the bouncer first before "I" even hears that they have called. Sometime I wish that I had one of those number neon light thingys that resturants have so the servers know which table are up. I think that it might be helpful, that way I could ring into "I" on a scale to see if he wants to comment or not. NPR or any Arab News source would be a 1, PBS, New York Times, Washington post would be about a 2, local TV stations woould be around 5, local newspapers 4, and local radio might be just barely a 2. But you never know, sometimes he is open to absolutely everything press-wise. Von Sivers is going to be on the 6:30 news on channel 5, and maybe later at 10 on channel 4 so maybe I will watch a bit of the news today.

I have a half hour left of work, and not that I exactly have anything pressing to do this evening except bathe the turtles, but I just wanna go home. I have done a lot today, but I feel totally worthless. When the phone rings I just stare at it. Or like I just did, stare at the computer screen and wonder why whatever I am thinking is not automatically popping up onto the screen. blah blah blah There was something else that I wanted to say but I can't quite remember. Humm...maybe I will go and write a email to my mom before I go.
I still feel a bit empty today.

No word yet from Kani, I assume that no word from him is a confirmation of the fact that he doesn't care, and probably never did. I guess that I can add him to the list of people who I have let walk all over me in this life. I re-read his piece today, just to see if I was out of line with my inital comments on the article, and I wasn't, it is just as offensive today as it was the other day. Part of me wants to take back what I said, because I was so mean, and I hate when I am mean. (and for regular readers I know that will sound odd in light of my bashing of JB on here) but thinking mean thoughts about someone is bad enough, acting on them is the worst, and telling someone exactly what you think of them, knowing that it will hurt them is also pretty high on the list. I am sorry if I hurt him, and I know that my email will probably be put in the hate-mail binder he has, but I am not sorry that I told him. Sometimes in the name of friendship you need to tell that person the worst, and hopefully if the friendship is true enough it will withstand it and become stronger. And granted, it has only been 2 says since I sent the email, 2 days is not a long time in the life of someone who is as "busy" as Kani says that he is. But if I was expected to drop everything to edit his stupid article on a holiday weekend, then I feel that I should be able to get a response from him. If I had said nothing, I at least would have gotten a thank you email from him. My mom seems a bit worried, because she knows that my feelings are hurt in all of this, and they are, but it isn't something that she needs to worry about, it wouldn't be the first time that I let myself become emotionally attached to someone (and them having absolutely no clue in the world) and getting my hopes and ego crushed. It is all part of the learning process. Some people boldly go out, make mistakes, and get squashed in a very open way, I have always been very very subtle about it.

It is very quiet at work today. Beth comes in late on Tuesdays at 9:30 and "I" called to say that he will be here sometime before his 12:30 lunch appointment, so I guess that I will be pretty much by myself most of today anyway. I have stuff to do, I just don't want to start any of it. But I should go Sluglett said that he will be coming in today and I really don't want to get caught goofing off by him, his britishness seems to make me feel a little more guilty than I know I should be.
Till later

Sunday, July 04, 2004

NO blogging for a couple days, but I think that my extremely small readership will probably not notice.

Forget what happened at work, because it has lost all relevance. What has occupied all of my thought has been Kani, henceforth referred to as a bastard. You might remember me mentioning that he had asked me to edit a speech of his, which was just awful, and I was hoping that with my comments that he would completely rewrite it. No such luck, in fact yesterday he sent me another version (almost exact to the first one) and announced that he had wanted to send it out for the Fourth of July. This open letter that he has addressing to Minister Nesreem Berwari of the new Iraqi government was awful. And even though I wrote 3 pages of edited comments and begged him not to send it out the bastard did anyway. If you want to read it, the address it I hope that it makes you as sick as it made me. My mom was even outraged by the letter and sent him an email.... this is what she said:

I have been a long admirer of you and the work that you have been doing with your American Kurdish Information Network. You have opened my eyes to issues that I had never before even considered. I enjoy most of your writings. However, the piece that you are about to send out on the 4th of July, is NOT one of them! Debbie had shown me the first draft and also the second, and asked my reaction. I could not in all good conscious stand by and see you degrade your self, your cause and Kurds in general with "An Open Letter to Nesreen M. S. Berwari".

First of all, you sound like a love sick puppy, disappointed because Nesreen Berwari did not fit your vision of a perfect "Kurdish" woman. Heaven forbid that an aide would walk her out to her seat, be gentleman enough to carry her presentation and help her into her seat. She is a woman, hence female. She is from Iraq, hence an Iraqi. She is Kurdish by heritage, but forgive me, as much as one would like there to be a country that Kurds could call there own, there is NO Kurdistan the country. I fail to see the problem with her not considering herself a Kurd first before anything else. From what little I know of her, she has done much to help women and children, both those who are Arab and Kurdish as well. She is a political figure, who is walking a tight line in this changing current political climate. She is well educated and well thought of. She is making a difference in peoples lives. While you may have been disappointed in the way that she entered the room at the International Conference at the American University on Iraq, the problem is yours, not hers.

You also make other references in your writing which are troublesome. You consider yourself a "junkie of political news relative to the Kurds", how DEGRADING is that! Yes you may know much about a lot of issues that most Kurds don't, but as The Director of the American Kurdish Information Network, you should! By making such a comment, you degrade no only yourself, but all the issues and causes that you have worked on in the past and will to do in the future. You make a fool of anyone who has worked with you, supported you emotionally or financially. I hope that you are better than that! You make references to Kurds being "slaves", your sarcastic remarks about Minister Berwari's meeting with President Bush, references to American History, "the milestones of human liberty" and Saddam Hussein. While I don't agree with a lot of thing that President Bush does, he too walks that tight political rope. Peoples of all nations and nationalities have been considered slaves, not just Kurds. Read and think about American History in all it's glory and splendor and times better forgotten. While we, as a nation, have done much good in certain areas, much bad has been done also. No one is perfect by any means. Liberty has it's costs as well as it's milestones. And while not everyone is interested in American History and the history of the area they currently live in, don't put them down because they like to go "shopping". Much can be learned about people by watching how and what they buy. I find your comments about Saddam Hussein were not appropriate either.

One of the most disturbing references is when you talk about your sister as a "retard". According to The Merriam-Webster Dictionary, retard means to "delay the progress in". Your sister was not retarded because she could not tell time, she was never given the opportunity to learn! A BIG DIFFERENCE! Many women, no, most women in third world countries, are not given the opportunity of an education. And by who? Men! Men are the only ones that need an education, the only ones with the authority and a voice to make a difference, right? WRONG!!! Who educates the children, men? NO, women do! Society, while trying to keep their traditions, must change it's backward and old world thinking and come into the twenty-first century if things will truly change. If more women were given the opportunity of an education, I dare say that this world might be a better place for all to live in. It would definitely have a different outlook on things. While you have your issues with Nesreen Berwari, she is at least trying to make a difference.

Kani, sometimes people are so close to a subject that their vision gets cloudy and they have a hard time seeing the total picture. I know you live and breathe your work. Maybe it's time to take a break. Rethink how you could help more people on a larger scale. Go back to school for your Masters. May be then, you would be able to look at things in a slightly different light and be able to help more Kurdish people achieve the liberty, freedom and hope for a new future that they are desperately trying to achieve.

Sincerely Yours,

But when I read the version that he sent out even after I had begged him not to, I am not sure that I can describe how I felt, like all of the help that I had given him meant nothing. It was awful watching him ang himself with his own words. I sent him an emai afterwards, I said a lot of mean things, but I felt that he had proven all of them to be true. He made a mockery of all of his hard work. This was the email that I sent to him after he sent out his "open letter' to the public...
How can you look in the mirror every morning? Do you realize that by witnessing ONE SIMPLE act you have accused Minister Berwari of being like SADAAM HUSSEIN? A man who oppressed, tortured, and murdered your Kurdish brothers and sisters in Southern Kurdistan for over 30 years? Shame on you, Kani. By allowing M. Berwari to have her assistant hold out her chair for her (gentlemen-like behavior) you have equated her to the murderer of 5000 hapless souls in Halapja. Forget about honoring the memory of your fellow patriots as you like to call them, you have disgraced them by making such an extreme and erroneous comparison.
I know full well that the Kurds have gotten the shaft over the centuries. They have been oppressed, misused, murdered and misunderstood. The public cares nothing for them, this is where you step in. I understood your life's work to be furthering the cause of your Kurdish brethren. I have watched you for years work yourself to death in this most noble of causes. But today, with your letter, you have destroyed everything that you have worked so hard for. It makes me sick to my stomach and it breaks my heart.
I thought that with the release of Leyla Zana, that things for the Kurds were "looking up". I guess that I was wrong. Instead of capitalizing on that good fortune, and capitalizing on the increased Kurdish influence in the new Iraq, you criticized everyone who is trying to do a bit of good in such an extreme way that you have become heartless and cruel. You have proven yourself to be a child unable to deal with his own frustrations in this world.
So tell me Kani, what good have you done for the Kurds lately? Have you been coordinating with various Outreach groups across the country? Or have you been waiting for them to come to you? Have you been writing grants to that you can expand your programs? Or grants so that you get help in that office? You cannot keep running this one man show forever, especially now as you are obviously showing signs of major burnout. That helps no one.
And while I am on the subject of money, let me digress a bit to your treatment of women. Let's forgo the comments that I have already made in defense of Minister Berwari. How about your sister? Yes, she is not retarded (an odious word) and she is a victim to the system that she was brought up in. Yet she and her peers are bringing up the next generation of Kurdistan, if nothing is done for them now, what hope is there for the future? Have you already forgotten the lessons that Leyla Zana and M. Berwari have taught us about the power of education for women? Try to do something for your sisters, do something not just complain. You came to America because you saw the opportunity to affect change, so do it. Women, that is where the "big bucks" are, that is where you can get the general public and their pocketbooks involved.
I have always been willing to help you, all you have ever needed to do was ask. And I am sure, given a little time to calm down, that will always stay the case. But I can no longer stand by, and adore you absolutely, when you need someone to buckle down and tell you when you have done something wrong. This email has hurt, deeply, to me and maybe to you. But your open letter was wrong in every sense. Your logic has reduced you to the level of the very people you hate. Right now, you are dead in the water, you need to change (and fast) or pack it all up.

I had bad dreams all night. Kani was a tryant and threw me out of my own house in the rain. When I began to dance outside in that rain, he came out, even more angry with me than before. And I was banished from my own home. I have felt hollow all day. Last night I cried so much, I don't really feel like I am here.

My mom and I watched a movie called Ali Zaoua about Morrocan Street children, I cried more than I probably should have. It was still a really good movie. We tried to sent up the tent that we bought for the next time we go out to the rocket show it was pretty cool, but putting it up and taking it down was probably really funny to watch as everyone was griping at each other. It wasn't bad too bad, normal for us, but dang Jimmy takes everything personally and has been pouting all day. SO I must go and help my mom, we are getting ready to bar-b-q.