Wednesday, October 31, 2007


Tonight is a first, tonight is the first time since I have moved from home that I have had kids come to the door for trick or treating. I bought candy last week....which Jimmy and I have been eating this week rather than having regular food, so by tonight we only had one bowlful of candy left.....which I have already given out.

So.....I have now started giving out the old jolly ranchers and lemon heads left over from last Halloween...and the gum that Jimmy got when we had my grandfather's funeral. Teenagers think that you are pretty cool if you give them an entire thing of Hubba Bubba. After that, I'm breaking out the peanut butter crackers.

My first trick or treater was so cute!!! A little two year old boy dressed as a penguin. He didn't quite understand why I was giving him candy and he wanted to take each piece separately and put it into his bag.

I think that most of the kids are not from our neighborhood because I'm noticing alot of cars on the road patroling. That's ok though.....I'm having fun!

Only 30 kids so far and it is 9pm.

So here's to waiting and Ghost Hunters Live on SciFi!

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

The Final Countdown and Other Stories from the Longest Weekend in History

I have needed to recover from this was that hard...and event filled.

Saturday-Day: Our October workshop. Early this week I had been having nightmares about forgetting something, but it all paid off in the long run. We had a few hiccups along the way, mostly me wanting to smack the museum's event coordination staff upside the head....although Doug from Cafe Med will probably be forever scarred from spilling 4 gallons of hummus in the back of his delivery van. The thought of the hummus dripping out the back door as the car goes down the freeway still makes me giggle. However even with the success of the workshop both Jimmy (who volunteered to help me) and I were beat.

Saturday-Evening: In keeping with our new "tradition" Jimmy, his friend Rose, and I all got dressed up to go see the Rocky Horror Picture show. Jimmy was trying to convince me to wear my garters...which looked fine, but I wasn't comfortable with that much bare skin and the cold that I knew we would face outside while waiting for the midnight show to start. So I ended up wearing a short black skirt with red fishnets and a negligee top....and my black sweater cause I ain't no's cold out there!

Driving Home Early Sunday Morning-2:30ish am. Pulling up to our driveway, Jimmy, Rose and I witnessed 5 or 6 guys chase out one guy from the tenement next door. The guy tripped and was on the ground. One guy got on his knees and repeatedly punched him in the head, while two others kicked him in the head and side. When they saw that we were pulling into our driveway they ran back into the apartment building...of course after they took the guy's wallet. Jimmy called 911 while I was parking the car and then we ran over to the building to help the kid. Jimmy's first aid training kicked in and I was so proud of him. He kept him stabilized and still until help came. My major accomplishment was getting a blanket to cover the kid, making Rose go inside and get more fully dressed, getting a coat for Jimmy, and pacing in front of the apartment building like a caged lion in case anyone else came out of the building.

We could hear the sirens for several minutes, but didn't see anyone. Just when we were considering calling 911 again a lone cop car pulled up. Basically, because the tenement gets police calls so often the police had to survey the scene to make sure that it was "safe enough" for the EMT's staged two blocks away to come and help. This infuriates me on many levels....first of all...weren't they concerned for OUR safety? What happens if I have an emergency at MY home? Are they going to delay help getting to me because of my neighbors? And then...let's mention the treatment of us by the police... Jimmy and Rose were treated like children and they were quite condensing to me until they realized I was 28 and apparently a responsible adult. The EMT's didn't listen to Jimmy at all...and made the kid sit up! Even when we had told him exactly how he had been beaten...and it was a brutal beating! In fact the EMT's were bitching about how the kid wasn't helping them. Geez....I'm sorry, he was just beaten within an inch of his life by 3 to 4 people. A beating that would have been much worse if we hadn't "interrupted" them, so to speak. The police didn't even go into the apartment building even though we had told them that all of the assailants had gone back inside. They weren't interested. Not that I think that either party in the beating were entirely innocent (I suspect that it was a drug deal gone wrong) but they did leave the guy for dead.

When the police left they reassured us that we had saved a man's life. Which we did. If we hadn't been there and seen the beating we wouldn't have seen the body as the streetlights are out on that side of the street. It was also very cold. With his injuries and the cold, he would have been dead if not discovered until morning. Many have asked if I fear retribution from the tenement assailants...I don't. We picked up their dirty business.

As it was, it was 4am until I got to bed.

Sunday Morning: My Last Day at Cactus and Tropicals. Besides having "It's a Long Way to Tipperary" in my head in the morning and Europe's "The Final Countdown" (I hate that song!) stuck in my head in the afternoon, my last day at Cactus was quite enjoyable. Boy, am I glad that it is over!

Sunday Evening: Jimmy's Anniversary Dinner. Jimmy took me out to the Spaghetti Factory to celebrate his one year anniversary of living with me in Salt Lake. After dinner we watched The Jungle Book and I went to bed at 10pm.

Monday: I wake up at 1pm and spent the rest of the day in a stupor. Which has pretty much continued throughout today. Thank god the weekend it over!

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Afternoon Call

Got a call from Mr.3. He had read my blog, and I think that the contents scared him. That wasn't my intention when I wrote about my research on private investigators or divorce, in fact I didn't think that he would ever read it. Nor his doctors. I can only hope that something good will come of it.

It was good to talk to him....talking with him reminds me of why I love him, reminds me that I miss him...because all to often I try to shut that emotion away so that I can function on a day to day basis.

The contents of our talk will remain private for now. I can only offer hope...

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Looking Back....

This month is a month of several anniversaries: my grandfather's death, Jimmy moving in with me, and learning the truth about Mr.3's identity. Rather than focusing on the weirdness that surrounds my husband...let's go over some of the things that I had overcome and worked through this past year.

1. Finding strength that I never knew I had. Even with all of what has happened to me and to my family this past year....I still have managed to keep my head straight and be a support to the rest of my family.

2. Patience and understanding. I'm not saying that I'm a saint....but I have learned alot about other people, how do deal with them, basic diplomacy, and have learned to hold my head up under immense strain.

3. Financial improvement. I have been through a bankruptcy this year....been to the absolute bottom depths...and I am making strides to come out of it. I am starting to save money each month. I am researching investing, looking into what I need to do in order to be able to afford a house of my own one day. And...the biggest victory of all....I'm making arrangements to pay on my student loans.

4. Health. Ok, so this is a smaller one....but I am back on my medication for sugar. I'm trying to learn how to relax...see even now...I should be working but I'm not, I'm writing. See....relaxing...sort of.

5. Job security and/or betterment. This year has been a great year for my career. My work at Outreach has been consistently noticed by the right people. Job 3 is going smashingly well, and I have great money making potential there.

6. And perhaps the best of green thumb has clicked in and I have successfully learned how to care for plants and keep them alive.

Short list, but a good one I think.

Depressed Shopping

Yesterday I had the urge to go 'depressed shopping'. Now, in the past I have been depressed because I was flat broke and therefore couldn't go shopping when I wanted to. Yesterday was different. Yesterday, I had money to shop.

But where to shop? I think that I am built very much like my mom, because I felt guilty when I thought of going to shop for something just for me. So I went to food is always acceptable to buy. The only food I bought was cookie dough. I also bought a new stereo player for my nano to use in the kitchen (the earphones hurt my ears most days)---a player which Jimmy is exceedingly jealous of. And then....I Christmas shopped. Not much mind you, just a couple of items...some stuff for Dad, some stuff for Mom, I gathered some ideas for Jimmy.

I paid, got in the car. And realized that I had no idea how much I had spent and had to find the receipt in my purse.

All in all, it was quite liberating. I bought something without feeling horrible when I paid for it, and I started on Christmas. Whoohoo!

Monday, October 22, 2007

Brilliant Marketing

Last week there was a career fair on campus, and of course we went to stock up on the office supplies.

I have been using a highlighter this morning that I got from the career fair.

It is neon green.

And it comes from Westinghouse Nuclear.

How brilliantly funny is that?

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Franchise husband?

There is a comment on my last post which I feel that I need to address.

I am no fool.

The thought that Mr.3 has another life....or another wife... is not a new one. It never has been. But there are some things that I don't write about...or talk about.

There is a reason (besides my current monetary situation) that I have three jobs....that I try to keep myself mindlessly busy....because some thoughts are too horrible to focus on. I avoid dishes because I invariably think during that time. I prefer to wash dishes and clean my house in private because I cry when I do it.

Yes, you read right. I cry when I do household chores.

When I think about my situation, I am filled with despair, and anger, and shame. And all of these emotions, all are aimed at something that I don't understand, at something I cannot explain, at something that I am kept in the dark about.

I need my readers, and my family, to know...that I'm not stupid. That I do think about what the consequences of what some things are. I've looked into the cost of private investigators ($55 an hour is a little steep for my budget), I have looked at the divorce laws (he has to be gone for at least a year for me to file under willful desertion). Each day, every minute of each day, I live with this uncertainty- this feeling of abandonment, doubt, helplessness.....and also the self-hate for being an unfaithful wife for not whole-heartedly believing and supporting my husband.

I know that there are alot of people out there who love and care for me. And I listen to all of your theorizing....all of your talk that I "should just give up and divorce him" or your speculations that I'm some sort of "cover" that he created. I listen to how all of you tell me that I am being used. It is fun to speculate isn't it, its fun to throw out suggestions like what a bad person he is... but every single word cuts me to the bone. I'm wounded enough as it is.

Ultimately, the truth has to come from one person, and one person only.

I've always thought of myself as level-headed. As someone who is caring and willing to help those in need. I've always prided myself on taking others advice and making the right decisions in my life. You also need to remember...that you all were as taken with Mr.3 as I was. You all took him in too....and now, you all are so willing to throw him away. And it easy for you to do that...because you are not me. You were not the ones loved by him. He made me happy, he made me complete.

And that is something that I can never forget.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Trapped in an 80's hair band kind of life

So the other day I was listening to the radio and I realized that my life has become a Whitesnake song....or rather several of their songs strung together. To say the least, I am quite surprised that my life resembles any 80's hair band song, but I guess it does.

What is further surprising is that in this new scenerio...I am the lead singer and Mr.3 has become Tawny Kitaen, the red-headed model that was in several of Whitesnake's videos and at one point was married to the lead singer. She is probably most well known for her white nighty acrobatics in the video Here I Go Again. Hey....anyone who does the splits on the hood of a jag does deserve props.

So I presented this scenario to my husband (and I am going to just include the whole email): "So what's with the continued no calls/no contact thing? Conversations with you every three weeks is not my idea of fun. Not that any of this situation is fun. What was this life management skills meeting thing? What is the status of your testing?

I still can't shake the feeling that you are avoiding coming home. I have apprehensions about you coming home too, you know. It isn't like I don't. The burden of the awkwardness that will result from you coming home is shared....not just wholly on you.

Listening to the radio the other day I came to a very strange life is becoming one long Whitesnake song. Which I think makes you that red-headed model. I have a hard time imagining you doing the splits on the hood of a car though....are you limber enough to do that? Of course, you could always do the panda roll.

That's all for this evening.
I love you

His reply: "Good morning honey. I was online yesterday but you weren't on and I got "timed out" by the watchers. I am anxious about coming home, but certainly not avoiding it. I miss you terribly and really miss our little life :)

I could probably panda roll on the hood of a jag, but the splits, not so much ... it might hurt bits of me or something, not to mention what it might do to the car.

The life management thing was interesting, just really basic ideas and instructions for how to do laundry how to cook basics, some communications things but the cool part - they brought in a little Corgi puppy. He was really neat, his name was Nigel, so it really fit.

I love you"

While watching his panda roll on the hood of a jag would be really interesting, I just can't but wonder if I should really worry about Nigel being a competition for my husband's affections. I miss him terribly...and I wish more than anything that this separation will end soon. Eight months is a really long time. And what is worse about this situation...and it isn't the worry that this might end goodly or is that we never get to a point-never leave this awkward transition period- where this can reach some sort of conclusion. That is what is most taxing, not the worry, not the loneliness, the money issues...all that can be sorted out. What can't be sorted out without him here and waiting for that point is the most taxing thing of all.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Of My Education

Avoided it long enough really....I got the notices in the mail that I have to start paying back my student loans. Ah....borrowing was so easy....payback is a bitch.

My college education bill (keep in mind a large hunk on this money was used for living expenses): 68 grand.

Monthly bill: $450 for the next 30 years.

Painful, but manageable. Actually, before the bankruptcy I think that I was paying more each month in credit card bills. Since Job #3 is more lucrative than Cactus and Tropicals I am going to quit it and spend the time that I would have been working there working at home on Job 3. (Although I am waiting for the ok from Job 3 for the increase in hours---hopefully it won't be a problem.)

I was sick earlier this week....some strange and obnoxious flu like thing. So with sickness and the emotional trauma of the loan thing, I was a wreck last night. I am so glad that I confronted it all though because today is shaping up to be a great day.

I've taken the day off today because....IT'S JIMMY'S BIRTHDAY!!!!!
While his turning 19 makes me feel old, I am so proud of him and I want to make it a good day for him, and one of the things that I could do was to take a day off of work to spend it with him. Libby and I, in good sisterly fashion, will be taking him out to a birthday lunch. Lunch because he wants to go and work at the haunted house tonight. As I have Zonta tonight, that helps.

My good mood is a oddly nice change to things. Today also marks the 8 month mark since I have last seen my husband...the turkey butt. This only gives me further reasons to start writing again. One, I would rather write than go to therapy on my own, Two, a best-selling book would make the student loans go away, and Three....I miss writing so much.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

How Do You Redeem Brownie Points?

And is the redemption in actual brownies?

Because brownies would be sooooo good right now. Mmmmmm brownies.

Monday, October 01, 2007

The Future of My Masters

I came to a decision today....which is almost as momentous as me blogging about it actually.

I am going to take a full year off from school.

Sure, I was only going to take off just this semester, but if I am feeling as panicked as I do now when I think about returning to school next is a sign that I am not ready. I think that I need to respect the panic that I feel about some things more. It is just my body telling me that now is not the time.

Part of me has been wanting just to stop school and never go back. And while it is silly to listen to that voice because I am a class and a test away from finishing my masters....that voice also has a bit of logic to it.

So hopefully by next Fall, my life will have regained a sense of normalcy and order. Maybe then, I will be able to handle school and be the student that I once was.