Sunday, July 01, 2018

Changing of the calendars

This morning I changed my calendars from June to July, all but one...the one that used to hang in my office at the DD council.  You see, about 10 days ago I was given a choice of resign or be fired.  It wasn't really a choice at all...option 1 is bad, option 2 is only slightly worse.  There is the "official" reason and the more complicated backstory that fills itself out as hindsight sets in.

When the ED who hired me announced her retirement about 6 months after I started I felt like it was the beginning of the end.  Seeing that I don't seem to survive regime changes (this is the 3rd time now) I think that it may be time to not have to deal with Executive Directors anymore.  I love working with the public, but there is an inherent cutthroatness that permeates these organizations that are meant to serve.  I am not sure if it is the ultimate irony or something that is indicative of American culture on the whole. 

I am loyal to the work and to the community that I serve.  I am loyal to people as well....but if someone leaves an organization, my loyalty to the work is above all else.  That doesn't seem to translate.  The day that I was let go, my new ED had said that "it wasn't personal".  If it wasn't personal than it was political.  And for me that political is intensely personal.  It was easy to get rid of me.  The state of Utah has a ridiculous policy of a one year probation period in which as an employee you are basically shit out of luck if they want to get rid of you (my probation period would have ended July 3rd).  She set up other things as of them being what she even termed as "the most unfair employee evaluation" she had ever had to deal with.  Rather than take the initiative of her position to adjust and offer a more fair evaluation system, she just shrugged her shoulders and said that we had to just suck it up and follow it.  I should have known then.  I could go over every detail, every clue that I should have heeded....but I've been doing that in my head for over a week now.  The situation really comes down to this: if it is a situation where my boss felt so new that she didn't feel like she could fight for her employees....then I don't need a boss like that.  If it is a situation where despite her verbal assurances that she would tell me when there are problems so that I can fix them, that she would support me etc. and all of that was just to placate me until I had done enough work that she could manage without my assistance...then I also don't need to work for a boss that is conflict avoidant and dishonest in their communication with me.  I know that there will be one other person who will be leaving the organization....that person has been around for more than a year so it will be more difficult, but there is a trail and it will happen.

So....where does this leave me?  This is one of those times where being alone is extra difficult.  Couples that I know, when disaster like a loss of over half of your income happens, have each other to lean on.  Someone to share that emotional weight.  I don't have that.  I have folks who check in on me to make sure that I am ok....but ultimately, I am left with is myself.

The current plan is that I work Job 3 full time and make up the wage gap by pushing my business.  When I was at the council I was finally earning enough money that I only needed one job....but I just couldn't let Job 3 go.  I'm glad in some ways that I wasn't able to truly emotionally accept my good fortune of that job (pension, good pay, actual retirement options rather than just dropping dead at work, etc)...I think that it has mitigated some of that devastation. That devastation is still there...this horrible hole that I am not sure if it can be filled, or healed, or whatever. 

I am hoping that the second half of this year will be better.  There has been so much loss in the first part of the much loss (not just the job thing)... I need it to be better.  I'm hoping to find myself again....I'm hoping to learn how to be comfortable in working less and engaging with life more.  I'm hoping.