Monday, April 30, 2007

The Nature of the Week

The nature of good days and bad days astounds me. Take today for instance....today is a good f*$%ing day.

Is the saying that good news travels in pairs or comes in threes? I am hoping that it is threes.

Good News Item Number 1- My parents are currently in a contingency sale of their house. This couple would buy my parents house only if their house sold. Well that couple has changed their mind and want to close on the house and move in as soon as possible. So the house is sold!!! after it has been on the market since last September. Further good news is that upon hearing that the house is sold, my Dad put in an ultimatum to the new job and he has now found out that he is to report for duty as manager of the new ALCO store in Sodona Arizona on June 11th...Oddly enough my parents 31st anniversary.

Good News Item Number 2- Linda, my boss, called me today (I am taking today off) to let me know that it has been approved that I work this entire summer. This is amazing!!! Now I don't have to worry about trying to cover rent for those two months and my benefits for those two months. I had taken out a loan to cover the expenses, but I knew that I would have to get a second job for the summer to still make ends meet (I helped my parents out financially.) Now I have a surplus...that I intend on holding onto. But in the meantime I know that I can help my parents out more and that we (that being Mr.3 and I) will be able to take a short trip to Florida so that I can finally meet my in-laws (that is a little scary actually).

In between the texts from my mom about the sale of the house, I was sweeping mine...and I was suddenly overcome with emotion....my body was telling me that today was going to be the day...today was going to be the day that Mr.3 comes home. I have never felt like that before, so sure of something....so let's hope that good news really does travel in threes...if anything so that I know that my intuition is still functioning properly.

And now, I should go back to one of two things....working on my project or planning my brother's graduation festivities. See.....good news all around...and its a MONDAY!!!

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Reading about the Brain

Ok....so when I am faced with difficulties, I research. Those close to me are normally the ones where all of the information I recover is thrown upon. Not that I expect those close to me to want to know what I am reading and researching, but they are stuck with it anyway. I guess that I could probably give you a taste of all the stuff that I read about...I warn you though...it will be even harder to follow my line of thinking...

Earlier this week I have posted about depression....and I do not under any circumstances want to have to go on medication for this...and this means, Yes! Research! Chemically, depression shows itself as lower levels of dopamine and seratonin. You can take pills to increase your levels, you can eat foods to help increase your levels, but because these things are entering your bloodstream they are not going to be as effective in your brain as if they were produced naturally by your brain. From my reading (and oddly enough this played into alot of the reading that I have done about PTSD and the brain) talk therapy, where you learn coping mechanisms to deal with emotional issues, has shown itself to be much much more effective in the long term in dealing with issues of depression, PTSD, and overall mental health. Another way of naturally raising your seratonin and dopamine levels is by having sex, because the endorphins released create the natural seratonin and dopamine that your brain really likes. Of course, in order to use this method to help counteract depression...I need Mr.3 to be home. :)

This lead me to want to do more research on the brain...and of course a book purchase. I bought a book called "A User's Guide to the Brain" and it has been fascinating to say the least. Basically with your brain it is "use it or lose it" when it comes to neurons and synanpasis' and such. There was a study on some nuns in Minnesota who stayed very actively intellectually and not only lived longer but also suffered much much lower incidents of dementia. The book has also talked about how the brain can re-train itself to handle certain things that it has lost the ability to. So like in the case of PTSD, prolonged trama can lead to short term memory loss and affect decision making abilities...but with therapy in which coping mechanisms are developed to help with memory the brain can re-learn to act within normal perimeters. With practice, a skill can return...just like riding a bike.

What has really sparked my interest in my reading today was reading about how the brain initially develops. At conception, cells begin to divide and divide and divide. By two weeks into this process the cells are folded into each other into a long tube, this tube is the beginning of the spinal column and the brain. Two weeks into conception! How friggin' cool is that?! The book gives a figure of 250,000 nerve cells are being created every minute at this time in development. And while the brain is one of the first structures to form in a fetus, it isn't fully developed until 8 months, and after birth it begins this process of testing all of the neuron pathways it has formed to see which ones work well and which ones the body would do better without. Constantly revising itself, over and over and over again, until we die. Oh so cool.

While reading this I was overcome with the feeling that I really wanted to be pregnant (and I think that this is separate from the baby lust thing), just because I thought that it is so cool that being female that this fantastic development process could be happening inside my body. And one day, when it does happen, I want to make sure that I appreciate every single moment of it, and every moment of my child's life because what happens in nature is so completely wondrous...and to use the same word that I have been using through this entire post...something so completely...

cool.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Update

Mr.3 just called. I was stunned, and shocked....and exquisitely happy to hear the sound of his voice. And for 17 minutes and 26 seconds I got to speak to my husband, bliss.

Well the news is that the group he is in has been told that they will be released on Monday or Tuesday. If this is true it is wonderful news! If it isn't....who knows what shape I am going to be in on Wednesday morning.

But I got to talk to him...and just that calms me down. My anxiety goes up when I don't hear from him....partly because I worry that I am going to miss my window to chat or speak with him. At least this week he let me know what his schedule was going to be like...and even though I was online the same amount of time, if he didn't come online it was because HE missed his appointment, not because I was not vigilant enough. Odd line, but it makes sense to me.

I feel so much lighter now that I have talked to him. 6 days since I have heard his voice last. I think that I will be able to make it through the rest of the day now. :)

depression regression

You could say that I haven't been posting because it is the end of the semester, and that would be partly true. What would be more true to the situation is that I am so hopelessly depressed that I haven't been able to function. This last week has been bad. I have been doing alot of reading on depression and how to handle it, and I have my up days.

Today is a down day.

We had an Outreach meeting today and we talked about the June workshop...it is kinda the crowning achievement of the year. And just thinking about all of the work that is going to be dumped on me just fills me with anxiety. All of our volunteers are wanting their own rooms and we are running out of rooms to begin with. And I want my own room...in fact I want to stay for a second night because last year I was so run off my feet that if I could have stayed another day I could have felt a bit less run down. And last year I decided that I was going to stay the second day...actually Mr.3 and I made the decision because he helped out last year---and did much more work than our volunteers. But I can't even plan on him being around in June, let alone tomorrow or next week.

This week has been horrible with communication with him...or rather no communication. Of course, I heard nothing from him over the weekend. On Monday he called me when I wasn't online waiting for him and because of a work thing I could only talk to him for a minute. He said that he was going to call that night and didn't. Tuesday nothing, Wednesday a chat online, Thursday nothing, and Friday a chat online. And now it is another weekend...where I probably won't hear from him...and I feel myself cracking at all the hindges. And to make matters worse, he keeps telling about all of these breakthroughs that he is making....and that he testing normal on all of his baselines and that the doctor said that he is going to be able to come home....except it isn't happening. You would think that the one week that is supposed to be his last he would contact me more. I sent him the following email this morning...but I fear it will have no effect. I am so scared that I am caught in this horrible cycle that will never end...or it ends when I finally snap. And who knows when that will be be...but it can't be long. I can't keep this up anymore...

Hi Honey!
I left you a phone message last night. I hope that you are able to get a call or some internet time this weekend. No contact from you on the weekends really ticks me off.....I try to be all nice about it but it really makes me angry and sad.

I have an Outreach meeting this morning from roughly 9-11. I don't expect to be home until noon though. Other than that my day is unplanned...I can try to be online for most of the afternoon, but it makes if really difficult for me if I don't know your schedule.

I am curious to know what you and DeWitt talked about last night. It obviously wasn't the news that we both wanted. If you are showing normal in your testing there is no reason for you to be there. And I will not tolerate you doing what you did for an entire month last Fall which was that every day you were planning on coming home and it didn't happen for one reason or another. The longer you are away the more room I have to doubt...and the more that our marriage suffers. While I am incredibly excited about the breakthroughs that you have made in the past two weeks (and I can see them change in your tone and in your excitement...something amazing is happening with you!) we must remember that for this entire time, I have gotten no help....and definitely no validation about your situation. I am afraid that the longer this goes on....the more contempt I am going to build up with this...and I worry that I will not be able to get rid of it all...and if I can't purge that contempt, we as a couple will not last. You have had enough "you" time...things need to transition, and that transition needs to be immediate.

Saying that this is an ultimatum would be silly...because I am not going to leave you, and definitely not in the immediate future. But it is our future that I worry about. You being gone for 8 months out of our 14 months of marriage is not acceptable by any standards...and definitely not acceptable because I have not been able to verify where you are this entire time. The only thing that I was sure about was when you were in jail. How sad is that? How much longer do you really think that I can manage living in this uncertainty? I think that my strength has been tested long enough.

You need to come home, my love. I am tired of being a wife without a husband. I miss you. I miss us. I just want to be able to move on and feel happy everyday again....because it has been so long...

I love you!

Saturday, April 21, 2007

End of Semester Silence

Yeah, I've haven't been blogging much because I am trying to finish out the semester. I am quite happy to announce that I have finished my Syntax take-home final a full 3 days before it was due!!

Libby and I have been trying to buckle down in our studies and have been meeting almost everyday for the past week at the coffee shop a few doors down from my house. Which oddly, has worked really really well. I think that it has been partly due to me working without the distraction of my computer. My presentation for course design was last Wednesday and on Tuesday we were at the coffee shop for 5 hours just working on school stuff. My notebook smells like coffee. And it payed off. My presentation was fantastic. I am going to be egotistical and say that my presentation was the most polished of all that presented and I looked like I was really on top of my stuff. And best of all, after my presentation I was walking up to my teacher to ask her if I had improved when she rushed up to me, grabbed my arm with eager excitement, and told me "well done!".

I nailed it. And hopefully salvaged my grade and my graduate career.

Now I just need to slowly plod along and finish the rest of my project. The presentation made it look like I have done alot of work on my project, but I really haven't. If I work on it for several hours every day for the next two weeks it should be great. Wednesday is the last day of classes, and while I would like to have everything done for then, it won't happen. Our teacher hasn't given us a specific deadline....she just told us to get it in to her before grades are due, which is May 15...so I am shooting for May 1st.

The only downfall of working at the coffee shop is that you feel obligated to buy something each day in exchange for taking up their table space...so I am going to have to budget for this. Because I think that I will probably do the majority of my thesis work there this summer....you know in those times between the second job that I will have to get.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Re-Violation

I was reading in the coffee shop at the end of our street when I had the unpleasant experience of having the doctor who so mangled me at my last girlie exam come into the shop (you remember, the one who even though I talked to her about my latex allergy, still used latex gloves on my exam...my internal exam). At first it was this strange look between us and I was trying to remember who she was and why I was getting the bad vibe. When she finally turned around I recognized her and felt a flood of emotions that I still cannot categorize.

Anger. Rage. Confusion....and the final one.....a flood of panic. Panic at the violation she had imposed on me....panic because all the feelings of inadequacy, the feelings of the physical pain of the aftermath....panic at not feeling right as a woman....panic with the worry that she might have caused irreversible damage.

I had to leave....I had to get out of there....being in the same room felt like it was all happening again. In fact I burst into tears as soon as I got outside the shop. I am still trying to heal from that January appointment. January! I wonder if this is how people feel when they face rapists.....

as if the violation is happening all over again.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

PTSD Protest Songs?

So I have been seeing signs around campus for David Rovics, a peace activist/musician, to be performing. Back in my "protest days" (which sounds funny because I will always be a protester at heart) I went to a concert of his, and fell in love with his music. Hearing of him coming back in town I thought that I would review his music...and I found that his music only has a certain time and place in history where his music still resonates. The album I bought was made in 2002 and I felt that it was absolutely perfect for what was happening in the world at the time...and as I am listening to it now I find that I still agree with it. Then I decided to go to his website and see what he has been up too....first thing I notice....an endorsement by Cindy Sheehan. Oh god. Readers of this blog already know what I think of her and her ill-informed celebrity crew of protesters...and now David Rovics has sold out and joined them.

He had a couple of songs on his newer albums about returning vets and PTSD...I listened...and was horrified. Obviously no clue what someone with PTSD thinks about and like....obviously never talked to someone about it, who was there. It was cliche after cliche after cliche....

Needless to say....no longer a fan.

If you want to listen to good protest music, listen to Shake Your Peace. Much better and more realistic in my opinion...and they are currently doing a bike tour across Utah. When they play someone rides on a bike to create the electrical current for their amplifiers...which is pretty cool.

Oddly enough, they are playing on campus this weekend.

**An update to the Easter weekend post, Mr.3 and his doctor have been discussing my "enemy" idea (and it has also been a subject of discussion in his group sessions). He and his doctor think that I am on to something, and it sounds like it has been helpful in his therapy progress....but who knows when they will think that he is ready to come home. Hopefully soon, because at the rate I'm going I will have eaten all of his Easter candy...oh well! Seriously though, I hope that his serves as the breakthrough that we need....I have felt better since I had the idea, so if anything it is a breakthrough for me.

Monday, April 09, 2007

5 dollars for a story

In the same light as the snake charmer....if I give you 5 dollars for anything I get to write about you in my blog. So this post in dedicated to Candace the young work study girl from the projects of Wisconsin who "axed" me to buy some magazine subscriptions from her so that she can get a $1000 scholarship to some college.

I gave her money for several reasons:

1. I didn't really want any magazine subscriptions.
2. It takes guts to go door to door trying to convince people of a story that sounds like it is out of Office Space.
3. If she really is trying to "work" her way through school....she needs $5 as much as I do.

Baby Lust

I have mentioned this a couple of times...but I have baby blues REALLY bad. I suspect that I want something to bestow all of my love on and to have a piece of Mr.3.

Last Friday the old outreach assistant came in with her little boy. He is just about two and he kissed me. Oh, his skin was so soft. And today, a Graduate student who I haven't seen in a year and a half came in to defend his thesis. He has a nine-month old boy...with the cutest dimples.

Both of these incidents had the same outcomes...I played with these adorable children until I had to abruptly excuse myself so that I could go into my office...

and cry.

Cry because I wanted the same....cry because when they all asked me how married life was, and I smiled and told them that everything was ok....cried because I want a little one of my own that looks at me with Mr.3's eyes.
One day...

Easter Weekend

This was a quiet weekend. Jimmy and I drove down to Price to spend the weekend with my mom. It has been over a month now since we have seen her. The most amusing thing that happened was my brother dropping all of his candy down the stairs...an unexpected Easter egg hunt. This weekend was marked by several things....a whole lot of Shirley Temple movies that my mom and I watched....and an absence of both my father and my husband. Now my Dad bothered to call this weekend, but Mr.3 did not.

It has been an interesting weekend to say the least. I have been trying to figure some things out...about how I view our relationship, how I view myself....even how I interpret Mr.3's behavior. In some respects, this weekend scared me...and not for the reason that you might think.

Last Friday, after the Model Arab League dinner I went out to a bar with some of the people on the team. It has literally been years since I have been out. And oddly....I ordered two drinks without caring about the price, and I bought nachos for everyone...again, not caring about the price. I felt free....and I found myself realizing that if I was single, that I probably would have gone home with someone that night. And that is what scared me....I had never really considered what it would be like to be single again, and after thinking about it....there are alot of things that I would like to change about how I live, but being married to Mr.3 isn't one of them. When he comes back though....we are changing some things...we are going to go out as a couple. We are going to live a little, we are both young....we should act like it, instead of like senior citizens. I am also going to be more aggressive in "marital relations"...we are newlyweds for goodness sakes! We should act like that too.

Something that Mr.3 typed on Friday had me thinking...he said that life was so much easier when he knew who the enemy was. And then....I had this brainwave, and so I sent him this email.

You had mentioned in your last chat that you didn't know who your enemy was anymore. Well your actions show exactly who you think that you enemy is....even though on the surface it doesn't seem to make sense. Perhaps you should bring up what I am about to say at your individual meetings today.

Right now, your enemy is me. Let's look at this in logical steps, I represent in the enemy in two ways: the government and the active enemy you are fighting.

First the government: when we first met, I was enamored of you..your intelligence and background, something clicked between us and I took you in. Compare this to your recruitment into the service. I covered all expenses, I never got mad at you in the beginning because of finances (even though I was devastated when you quit the Marriott--it put so much pressure on me)....you were completely taken care of by me. All you had to do was go to school. I became a means for you to go to school because you even used my financial information to go to school. I became a tool to get what you wanted....the government did this for you as well. You see me as an entitlement, just as you see government services as an entitlement. Let's go into this further shall we? When you were hurt, you had two enemies...the government that put you in the position to get hurt and the enemy who shot you. By my demanding that you give an equal share into the household, in your mind I became the government. It is perfectly ok for you to feel that the government is entitled to take care of you but it is not ok for you to get hurt.....it is perfectly ok in your mind to have me take care of you but it is not ok for me to ask for you to help share in our financial fight.

Let's go to the enemy shall we? You are actively evading me. Last year when I asked you why you were going eastwards based on your phone records, you shut off contact with me by phone. You have done the same thing this time when I commented on the phone records. Last fall, everytime you called me you entered in the code before you dialed to show up as a private call. I thought that this was odd because when I would contact the VA...caller ID always showed a number. This time you are arranging all of the calls so that they appear to go through the cell phone. You are covering your tracks. In fact last time the only time you did not cover your tracks was when you were arrested...the enemy was real then and you came to me "the government" for help. You have even covered your tracks with how you contact me electronically...last time you only used hushmail, which cannot be traced for locations, this time you only contact me through the gmail chat, which also will not disclose any location information. Some other similarities between this time and last time: the doctors not calling me, the fact that you are again in a 3 week program which for some reason will not let you out. I am not the enemy and this is not a war game.

Everyone is an enemy to you, especially the ones that care for you.....your parents have been the enemy, until you have needed something...you push away and then return....I am the enemy because I ask things of you and I am trying to find you...I will continue to be treated as the enemy until a more defined enemy comes alone...then and only then am I safe ground.

Of course, on the surface all of this seems absurd. Of course your wife isn't your enemy, she only cares for you and wants you to come home. Or if your wife is the enemy it is because she has betrayed you in some way...she cheated, she was greedy....just like the government let you get hurt and told you that you were going to be left behind. I am only waiting for you to decide what my grand sin against you is....so that you will be able to fully leave me without guilt.

All I can say is that I am not your enemy....but I know that it is a hollow statement because you are going to react to me as if I am. You are going to continue to hide the truth from me....give me the bad intel....because I made the misjudgment of loving you.

I hope that this email has reached you.... I expect that once again you will just say that you are sorry and that you know that it is all your fault. But deep down you won't believe it....because of what I have said above. Until you learn who your enemy really is and how you treat the ones that you love as the enemy....we will not be able to have a life together. No matter how good I am to you, no matter what I do....it will all be worthless if you still treat me like the enemy. And no matter how much I ache for you to be home, no matter how much I love and miss you....maybe you shouldn't come home until you can ensure that you can treat me with the respect that I deserve....as your equal, your friend, your lover, your brother (sister) in arms, and your wife.

I love you
d


His response was...limited, to say the least. Here are parts of our chat online today...

me: I sent you an email with something in it that I want you to discuss with DeWitt
Mr3: I see the email.
I am asking for a pen to gist it so I can discuss it. We have no printer support
11:10 AM I think it might be an interesting thesis but I don't agree with it
me: well I can't find any other way to explain your behavior towards me. adn last week I heard an interesting expression....
11:11 AM what seems like a crazy idea one day can be a breakthrough the next
Mr3: Maybe it can be. I didn't say the idea was crazy
11:12 AM me: no, the expression says that it is crazy....I on the other hand think that it is right on.
11:13 AM Mr3: OK, I am confused
me: about what?
11:14 AM hello?
11:15 AM trying to communitcate....
apparently it isn't working....
hello?
Mr3: No I am confused about your expression thingy comment
I amtrying to figure out where I misinterpreted
11:16 AM me: the expression says that an idea can be crazy....I on the other hand believe that the comments expressed in my emai are not crazy but an accurate assessment of the situation
why didn't you call this weekend?
11:17 AM Mr3: I don't know. I really don't know. I am just so down ...
I know it brings you down and I live for our conversations, I just couldn't
I spent so much of the weekend in a state of despair
11:18 AM Outside of sessions I just moped
The holiday made if worse
11:19 AM me: there you go again....making these decsions that are wrong. you have been doing this routinely...not contacting me makes it worse. but no matter how many times i tell you that you are not alone in this....you make the decsions to ensure that you are.
11:20 AM it isn't fair and you know it....yet you still treat me llike I am the enemy....withhold the information and you sttay in power
Mr3: I don't see them as wrong, I see them as protecting you and I guess they are wrong
I don't withold information from you
me: you are protecting me....you are alienating me.
Mr3: I don't intentionally alienate you
It isn't about alienation
me: well you do, and you do it ALOT
11:21 AM Mr3: It is about I don't know that's why I am here ... I don't know what's wrong in my head
me: all you needed to do was wish a happy holiday....I had pretty much figured that you weren't going to come home anyway and told you so on Friday...so it wasn't like it would have been anything new
11:22 AM that is why I would like you to bring up my email to DeWitt....you seem to listen to her
Mr3: I am trying to listen to you too. I really am trying to
I know you don't see it and I know I cannot provie
it
11:23 AM me: and while you are worrying that you might be the next guy to get upset and pull the phone cord out of the wall...at least remember that that guy had the opportunity to talk to his wife and did...at least that wife got a call ffom her husband and that she knows that he is alove
i get 6 minutes on average on the phone with you....I wait around for you all day....
Mr3: I realize that
I know that
11:24 AM me: I spend alot of time.....to get nothing from you.
Mr3: I understand that and I cannot tell you what a 2 minute or 20 minute call means
Yes you do.
You spend a lot of time for very little return
me: 2 minutes or 20 minutes doesn't matter much in the grand scheme of things when I just don't get calls.
11:25 AM I am investing my life in you.....do you really realize that?
I haven't left you.....I have been supporting you...even through alot of oopposition.
11:26 AM maybe when you decide not to be stubborn anymore and have to do everything for yourself they will let you out
Mr3: Maybe that is the problem. I need to once again become completely self-sufficent to appreciate how to share
11:27 AM me: you call this self-sufficent?
is this your way of telling me that you want to end everything?
Mr3: No I don't want to end anything and certainly not us
No this is not self sufficient
11:28 AM I am merely saying that perhaps it is something that I need to really explore with the doctor and this is the breakthrough that I need
me: maybe you need to realize that it is your idea of having to be the one in control---the self suffiencent one--that got you into the place that you are int.
Mr3: that we need
me: you need to learn how to trust
Mr3: It may be that idea
11:29 AM The idea that was a crazy suggestion
Maybe this is it
me: I am trying on my end....I am trying to help both you and us.
11:30 AM and we need a breakthrough or I am going to break apart and I can feel it happening.
You probably have to go soon, and I am supposed to go and interview Ibrahim
Mr3: I am sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen
I miss you so much
11:31 AM Go make me proud honey bunny
:)
I love you so much
me: I want to tell you that I love you and I want you to come home...but only if you are better and really really willing to make US work.
I miss you.
and I love you.
Mr3: I want us to be us .. :)
I love you


You can decide what you think happened....I felt liberated. I am so proud that I stuck up for myself and my future. I think that things will get better.



Thursday, April 05, 2007

A Letter To Mr.3

*I found out some disheartening information this evening, and the best way to present it is by posting the email that I sent to my husband. I don't want to give up on this....he is sick and I know that if given the chance we can work through a lot of this. Psychologically, I can't give up...or the past few years of my life have been a waste, and that is something that I cannot accept.

I am probably going to leave a phone message, but I will probably be able to focus my thoughts more clearly here. I appreciate that you thanked me for doing all of the reading, and trying to understand what is going on. I feel like I have been doing quite alot of work on this end trying to keep our marriage going. It is important to me, and I thought that it was important to you.

It is clear to me now that you will not be coming home for Easter, and you might not be coming home for a long time.

Your lack of trust in me is disgusting....you must think that I am the most naive and gullible person in the world. You must think of me as stupid.

I so want to believe that you are in Utah and that you are getting help. I want to believe that you want to make this work. But you are lying to me. When you were in jail, you lied to me about your phone and wallet and wedding ring. When you were in Florida, you lied to me about the cell phone...even after you promised me that you would never lie to me again. I gave you a second chance and you are ruining it. Why tell me an elaborate story about you coming home on a train....telling me in a chat on gmail that you were on the train, coming home...when the phone records show that your calls were still originating from Washington DC? Now the records only go to February 28th, but as you were telling me that you were elsewhere at the time...I have already caught you in a lie.

How many more lies do I have to find out? Why do you keep telling me that you want to be with me...that you want to spend the rest of your life with me, when your actions clearly show that you do not? This, you cannot blame on PTSD....this stems from choices that you have made. And choices that you actively choose, even now, to make by not telling me the truth...even when I have promised not to be upset.

I am not sure what my feelings are anymore. My gut still tells me that you are seeking help....but I don't know where or with whom. I don't know when I will see you again, or how you will get home. Because you probably have no money to buy a ticket from anywhere as you have probably already pawned MY camera and OUR portable DVD player, leaving me to try to pay for the library stuff that you took out and racking up the bills on. I almost feel like it was pointless to even ask if there really was a job. Although I still think that there was. And if you lost the job, I can only assume that it was because you had a problem while in DC. I wondered if you were alright when I talked to you and you had been out drinking with friends. I wonder if it was then that something happened....a flashback based off of our conversation when we were talking about Rwanda...you were so angry with the UN and I was trying to calm you down.

I am oddly calm, and I don't even know what that means.Did I expect this? No. I wanted to believe in you, to trust in you...and I don't know what is real anymore. I do know that I don't want to spend my life alone. I want my husband and the future that we have planned. But I don't want to be strung along, to be lied to. I don't want this uncertainty anymore. I had thought that we were making a breakthrough. You sounded so confident this morning when you said that you didn't regret that you had turned yourself in for treatment. And I was so glad that you were happy with your treatment, that you were learning new things. Maybe I can understand now why coming home frightens you so much....there is so much that you would have to come clean about. So much error. And maybe this is me, being Penelope, endlessly waiting, weaving tales of hope during the day only to unravel them each night. Penelope whose Odyssues comes home briefly, only to have him leave again. I wonder how this story ends? Can we create a happy ending?

I love you.

Day One Completed Successfully!

My dear editor Amira on Global Voices is taking a much needed vacation this week, and I get to cover her duties while she is gone. Besides checking the other authors in our region's posts before they go onto the site, I am responsible for finding 5-10 interesting weblinks a day from regional bloggers. I have just completed my first day of tasks...and I am sooo excited. Everything was posted correctly...hooray! I think that I will be less nervous as the week goes on, but I am really excited about getting this opportunity. Plus, I like to watch my author post count go up and for the first time ever I am listed on the awesome authors of the week list....I hope to make it to the list for the month too!

ok, gush off.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

sunday downers

I have nothing to say, yet I am compelled to write...which obviously doesn't make for interesting reading.

Sunday is seeming to be quite the downer so far....even with sleeping in. I actually slept in! The only problem with that was that I had dreams that Mr.3 and I were cuddling in bed, and it was a disappointment (to say the least) to wake up and find that there weren't arms wrapped around me after all. He didn't call last night, although I talked to him early yesterday morning. I wish that my moods and emotions on this wouldn't move as drastically as they seem too. Of course, to everyone else I am just friendly and emotionally aloof.

After I finished the Operators Manual to Combat PTSD, I was feeling REALLY good about things, even my anger issues. I felt good about the situation. Now I am in a general downer....but I think that it is a whole list of other things today and not just Mr.3. This could be a good side, that I am worrying about things other than him today.

I got a D on my Course Design midterm, and while if I do well in the rest of the class I will still be able to get a B...it worries me. After getting the C in Syntax last semester and having to petition to be able to retake it....getting another C in something and having to go through this process again will more than likely get me thrown out of the program. And it would be horrible to get to the end of my Masters program, only to be kicked out of it. I was really shocked by my mid-term grade...like thrown off my feet kinda shocked, because I really thought that I understood everything. Another cosmic curveball. I hope that this isn't like repayment for blogging about being annoyed with the bug and JB....cause that is just uncool. In any case, I need to start working on that project anyway.

Yesterday's seminar went off without a hitch...like everything was perfect. It was great, and most importantly....Linda was really happy with me. I live for those moments, of knowing that I did a good job...but also that someone else was really happy with my performance. And even though I am saddened that I didn't get the Outreach job with GV, I expect it is for the best...besides it should be enough to be great at one Outreach job...can the world really handle me with two of them?

Well....as this rambling post continues on...I am trying to have an active Sunday. Jimmy has been complaining about his need to do laundry, which is fine, he just needs to finish it. And as I have laundry to do today too, so I have been riding him on it everytime the dryer stops. hee hee. I made a list of things to do today, a list that for once is quite achievable for one day and I have been making fairly good headway on it...if anything, just to keep myself busy.

I really really really want Mr.3 to be home, if anything just to talk to him. Even with all of this drama, we understand each other...and I know that he would make me feel better.