Sunday, May 30, 2010

Aisle of the Embarassing Medical Items

We've all had to do it. We've all had to buy something embarrassing at the grocery store. The tampons for the girlfriend..... condoms and a pregnancy test....and don't get me started on the horror of having to buy yeast infection medication.

The problem of having to buy the embarrassing things is that we have to do it when we are having an emergency of sorts, so we aren't able to hide the embarrassing things with the rest of the groceries. But we still try to hide the items by adding in other things to cover it up. I once knew someone who bought a yeast infection kit and those pills for when you get a bladder infection...and tried to mask the purchase with a bag of oranges.

Of course, there is a stealth operation that we go through in order to purchase these things. And to be honest, the self-serve checkouts at the store are only worth going through when you have the embarrassing items. Today I needed something to help aliviate the horrific gas pains that I have been having after almost every single meal for two weeks now. (I am still recovering from the food poisoning incident and hope that one day things will return to normal) For some reason, I find the search for anti-gas meds to be slightly embarrassing....but this might also be because I won't just grab something off the shelf, I have to read the labels of things and then hem-and-haw over if I should pay 20 cents more or not for something. As I went to the aisle today, a man had gone down just before me and was looking at the same general area. He had the embarrassed shopper look to him, so I pretended to look for something else in another aisle and then came back a few seconds later. As he passed me going out of the aisle I saw him desperately trying to shield with this arm the double pack box of enemas that he was purchasing.

What do you buy to mask the double pack box of enemas? Toilet paper? Juice? Chewing gum?
I have no idea. I masked my gas-x purchase with a box of Excedrin and....wait for it......toothpaste. But what is this guy going to do?

Incidentally, as I was looking for photos of a double pack enema box I learned that you can purchase travel enemas......hee hee hee....just imagine the conversation with the airport security screeners....we might have to watch out.....we had the underwear bomber, next it will be the Quick Flush Travel Enema bomber. Hee hee hee

Ok, I'm gonna go away now and giggle with my bad ass 15-year-old-boy juvenile self....hee hee....
Oh! I said ass! Hee ha ha ha heee heee.....ouch the gas pains make it hee hee hee hard to laugh hee hee hee.....oww....

Friday, May 28, 2010

Crap, I Need an Intervention!

I just saw a video of myself walking from a couple weeks ago when I was in Chile. And I could make the excuse of the fact that I was tired.....but....

I was doing the fat person waddle.

Yes, it was a total waddle. I even had the posture that my belly was leading some strange fleshy version of a dowsing stick.


If you see me doing the waddle anymore, I invite you to punch me in the arm. Ugh....waddle, waddle, waddle....that is going to haunt me.

Ok, I am going to suck in my stomach when I sit, when I walk. I am going to be hyper vigilant about this. Doing the waddle means that I have given up, and I HAVE NOT GIVEN UP!!

Goddamn it.....
Stupid, fucking waddle...

Friday, May 21, 2010

Return of the Turtles and Free Coffee

Scooter made it through the surgery and has been quite peppy.....but not peppy in the way that he was in trying to constantly mount Zippy. He is oddly calmer...which makes me wonder if he also had a lobotomy. He's eating and drinking well. He pooed at the vet's office but not yet at home. I think that he is probably waiting for his bath tomorrow to do that. The poo has to go past the stitches so he bled a little....but that has been it. No anger what-so-ever from him.

Zippy on the other hand is pissed at me. But that is because she had to endure being awake for her beak trim and nail clippings at the vet, while Scooter was knocked out from the surgery when they did his. She's been hiding her face all week. I sort of miss the underbite/overgrown beak she had. It made her look like she had pouty lip. Without it she does look much younger though. Too bad dropping ten years isn't that quick, easy, and cheap for humans.

This week marked another return.... Libby and I went to Two Creeks this evening, and the same guy who bought me a coffee last Fall, bought our coffees this evening as well. I expect that he probably does this sort of thing often and has probably forgotten that he has bought me coffee before. I am not sure that Libby thinks the same though.

But I was gracious and went up to him to thank him. He seemed shocked that I remembered his name and he said that I wasn't supposed to know who bought the coffee. Really? He was the only other person in the place when we were there and he had just ordered his coffee right before. I don't know if he is interested in me or not, but he did make an awkward glance at my ring finger and its current nakedness. We'll see how that goes....

This has been a crazy week (I've been sick with some god-awful stomach thing) and I have alot to blog about....which I hope to be able to get around to this weekend. Topics will hopefully include information about a grandparent scam and of the victorious facing of my abusive ex-boss.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Losing the Turtle 'Man Bits'

Occasionally everyone's pets will do strange and unexplained things.

One thing that both of my turtles will do -maybe once a year- is they will arch up and some internal organ will come out of their tail. In an odd way it looks like stretching and the organ will always go back inside. Of course, the first time I saw this happen I thought that my turtle was 15 years later, you just realize that it is something that happens.

Yesterday morning when I got to get the turtles for their bath, Scooter had an organ protruding out of his tail. It was dirty and covered with litter from the tank. He didn't seem stressed, but then again, I wasn't sure how long they had been out. I got him in the bath quickly. I expected him to do this tail swishy thing to clean it off in the water and for it to go back in.

But it didn't.

After they had soaked up as much water as they could in the bath. I took Scooter out to look closer at what was going on. I managed to gently pull off some of the poo and litter that was still stuck. I quickly ran a fresh bath for him again. At this point, I was starting to lose it.

I called the vet and trying not to sound too hysterical explained that I had a turtle with a prolapsed organ. They told me to bring him down immediately. So I prepared a box, let the two turtles say a quick goodbye, got a little head snuggle from Scooter, put some KY jelly on the organ to keep it moist, called my brother in hysterics, and we were off in the car.

Now, both the turtles are old. Average box turtle lifespan is 20 years: Zippy is roughly between 25-30 years old, Scooter is 20-25. Jimmy and I have both thought that the first one of the two to pass would be Scooter and we both have predicted that it might be within this year. Of course, I also envisioned him passing in his sleep, not with an organ stuck outside of his body making him ill.

When we finally got to the vet we learned that the organ stuck outside of Scooter's body was his phallus. I have no pictures, but you need to image something the size of a shelled walnut protruding out of the tail of a 3 inch turtle. Poor guy was really stressed from the car ride, and of me crying, that when the vet was examining him he threw-up the water he had drunk from the bath. I must say that it was projectile vomiting always is. It was like someone had turned on a water fountain....the stream went two feet.

The vet is going to have to amputate his "man bits". Which was supposed to have been done yesterday but they haven't called me to tell me that everything is ok. I've already made arrangements to pick him up on Monday. And took the opportunity to make an appointment for Zippy to get his nails and beak trimmed. It needs to be done and I think that it would help the both of them to travel back from the vet together. All of my spare funds are marked aside for Jimmy's tuition, but luckily, Jimmy was willing to take one less class this semester so I could afford to pay for Scooter's surgery

Zippy was more distressed yesterday than Scooter. After a bath, I normally let the turtles run around the house....and Zippy didn't want to come out of his shell yesterday. I expected him to react like that though. Years and years ago when Scooter managed to slip under the backyard fence and was missing for a day and a half, this was how Zip reacted. This morning, I've been watching him search the house for Scoot. Its heartbreaking to watch. He was in the bathroom for a while investigating....and then he has walked all over the house, visiting Scooter's favorite places to hide to check for him. They communicate by using a series of soft clicking noises and head bobs. When they do it, you can see their neck bellowing out. And Zippy will walk for a few feet, stop, and then call out for a while....and then start the process again. He's even gone over to an area that he avoids but Scooter loves (he always catches himself on the rug there and needs to be rescued each time) to find him.

So now I am just waiting to hear word. I've left a message at the vet's office...but until then it is just me working around the house and dealing with accusatory looks from Zippy. Damn I wish I spoke turtle, that would make this easier.

Friday, May 07, 2010

Things that I Have Learned While in Chile

1. When asking for bill at a restaurant, resist the urge to say "la quinta"....cause that is a hotel chain and not the "la quanta" you want.
2. Salida means exit. This is important to note as I was confused when I thought the metro station's name was Salida, and then it was the name on the wall at the next station, and then the station after that, and then on the station after that, and then....I finally figured it out.
3. That even though I should expect it by now - I am still surprised by how quickly a web server can be crushed by bloggers at a blogging conference. It has been very frustrating trying to get online....but then again, there are these strange and wonderful moments when the hotel internet works- like now. Everyone must be out drinking and not blogging at the moment.
4. I unfortunately have learned the majority of my spanish from goofy spanglish fast food chain ads from the US (probably Taco Bell). That being said, I was still ecstatic when I figured out that I could order a grilled cheese sandwich...queso caliende
5. Apparently, even when not using it, international roaming sucks all the juice out of your phone.
6. I'm not as bad at remembering names as I thought that I was.....however, I am definitely still as bad at flirting as I remember.
7. I sat next to a women on the plane to Atlanta who had been to Santiago. She said that it looked like Salt Lake.....I would like to know what she was smoking so that I can avoid it.
8. The problem of me continually losing my GV stickers can be fixed by immediately putting them onto my laptop.
9. Chileans are infinitely more patient with foreigners who can't speak Spanish than Americans are of anyone who can't speak English. I owe a huge debt of gratitude to everyone that I have smiled and pantomimed with....with an extra special shout out to the shop owner who tried to teach me how to count.
10. The original "old school" blogging still happens! I know this because in order to preserve battery power on my computer I originally wrote this post on's that for kicking it old skool style?!