Monday, December 31, 2007
It was a good decision that I wore black, as most of the kids there did as well...and let me tell you, the eyeliner was not needed by any one of those kids there...because they weren't fooling anyone. It was really strange being at a table of kids where they are so desperate to prove that they are different from everyone else, that they end up being so alike in their teenage angst.
I sat next to this girl who came in, said hi to everyone, and then sulked in her seat most of the night. I started talking with her when I heard her muttering about how no one was talking to her. She was text messaging the whole time, I didn't think that it was right to disturb her. Throughout the night I heard about how her mom decided that it was ok for her to dye her hair anyway she wants (which I don't think she will do now), about her drama with her former girlfriend and her former boyfriend, her body weight, how she doesn't get buzzed when she drinks alcohol, how the girl next to her pissed her off, and how she was out of her "comfort zone" at the dinner and that was why she wasn't more outgoing. (Yes, I realized that was all in one sentence.) She came to the dinner without any money, so she didn't order anything. I offered to buy her dinner but she refused...citing that she doesn't eat very much anyway and that when she does it hurts her stomach. I made sure to order extra food though as she had no problems with eating french fries if they were on my plate or drinking water if the glass was in front of me. She was a sweet kid, but by the end of the meeting I just wanted to shake her and tell her that her life would be so much better if she just stopped sleeping around, that she should eat on a regular basis, and that no matter how well she thinks that she can handle alcohol...she is a DUI waiting to happen.
But she seemed to be the arch-type of all of those at the table. One girl, who was cute in that mascot kind of way, was a thirteen year old in the accelerated learning program. She is smart, outgoing, and already a 32D (she proudly announced that at the table). I think that she did manage to get the waiter's phone number, even though she refused to tell him her real age. I remember being that boy crazy and wanting more (she lamented alot about how she was still a virgin). I just hope that she lets reason rule her head or she could be heading for trouble too. And just wait until her father realizes that she has his credit card, security code, and social security number memorized...or at least until he get the next credit card bill.
It was funny....Jimmy had mentioned that he also felt that the others were making too big of deals about all of the social crap that goes on in high school. He couldn't believe that just a few months ago, his life had that same urgency. Everyday he surprises me with the new levels of maturity that he reaches.
To all of those kids at the table last night...take it easy...high school was nothing compared to what your twenties and thirties are going to be. You'll look back on this time and think that you were just as ridiculous as I saw you. You're life is not going to end, it is just beginning.
And to the waiter last night, thank you for bringing me that second drink.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Of course, last night was funny because I was getting an unusual amount of english language web sites, and alot of spanish porn to review. Nothing beats the scat pizza site however...although the granny whores site was up there. Yuck. I think that I am scarred for life...as well as Jimmy who was having fun looking over my shoulder as I worked.
As the night was getting later and later, I noticed that our house was cold, but honestly, it is always cold. This is because our handyman says that everything works ok even though only 2 out of my 4 radiators work in the house. At 11:30 last night I took a super hot shower to warm up, which is good, because our heat never came on last night. It is about 60 degrees in the house right now, and I am waiting for our handyman to come in and fix it. I really hope that he doesn't decide to go to church first.
At least we still have hot water.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
No luck in contacting Mr.3 today, as if that is surprising. I did end up calling the phone number that he called from yesterday, went straight to an anonymous answering machine. Which meant that I left a "crazy wife" message: "Hello, this may sound odd but my husband called from this number yesterday and I am trying to find him. His name is _blank_ but also uses _blank_. If you have any information about him please call me back at _blank_, my name is Debbie." I also did the "not-trying-to-be-obsessive-but-hoping-for-a-lead" crazy google search on his name. Found someone with his old name, in his old field, with a similar educational background working in South Carolina somewhere since Jan. 2007. Yeah, that didn't help situations any further.
Logically, not much has changed. The timeline for the divorce by desertion still continues. As he has contacted me, I can't fill out a missing persons report for a few days anyway. And while the latest lie is particularly awful...it is just another one to add to the ever-mounting list.
The "why" question still plagues me. My mom is starting to blame herself for him calling me yesterday because she sent him an email imploring him to call me. I keep trying to tell her that it is Mr.3's fault, and only Mr.3's fault for lying to me so. Hopefully she will take that to heart.
I have also gone back to theorizing what is REALLY happening. Several scenarios have come to the surface, each highly plausible. One, that he has started over again somewhere else and just delights in being a jackass and telling lies so that he never has to end anything like a normal person. Two, is that he checked himself into the VA in Washington and that he really has been released but messed up in his story explanations. This scenario has him currently on a bus coming across the US in an attempt at getting back to Utah before Jimmy and I planned on it. This also places his story as he never was on a train back to Utah at the end of February. This explains the lack of visitation or contact with the doctor's, and his failing to call me from the hospital. Oh, and for those of you going "but wait? didn't he call yesterday from a Utah area code", that is answered just as simply. Mr.3 has a history of buying the quick pay as you go cell phones, the call could have easily been from one of them. Funnyingly enough, the least plausible explanation is that he was in some treatment center in Utah.
I simply hate the fact that I have to come up with these situations. Last year when this happened, it was I who suggested that he was getting help somewhere...and only after I had "figured it out" did he admit to me that it was true and did I get some verification of his story. This also leads me back to the "why", why the hell is this needed? Why can't he just tell me what is really going on? That is much easier. Even though it sucked ass to learn about his former identity...and that day of finding out still survives as the worst day of my life...the next day, it was so much nicer, so many questions had been answered...I could breathe easier the next day.
While this has been hard on me, this latest development is hardest on my family. I see the looks on my family's faces every time that they look at me. I don't really communicate with them verbally on this issue anymore, I just forward on the letters that I write to Mr.3 or they read my blog like everyone else. I know that all of them want to just make the pain go away, to protect me. But I can't help them with this. I can't make them feel better in this regard. Bad things happen to good people and this is just another example.
Now, that I think about it, is what Mr.3 has done this time, any worse than him telling me that he was in fact in Denver and that he was walking over to meet me? I waited in a supermarket parking lot for 8 hours that time. Is this situation any different? Well...there is a part of it that is, I don't understand what the impetus to tell me that he was released was. With the parking lot thing he panicked and just told me anything....and it was immediate then because I was in Denver actively searching for him. This time there was no immediacy that demanded he tell me something hopeful...so even I can't reason this away.
In any case, it is obvious that my husband is still very very sick. Because only someone who is sick in the head would try to destroy everything that is good around him. Please pity him, not me. Don't pity me because I love someone who is self-destructive. Don't pity me because I married someone and am trying to honor my vows to him in every way. Don't pity me....but please, stay and support me...yell at me...love me...hold me....read, comment, whatever...but please, don't pity me. Yes, I am being hurt, and yes, I am still open to being hurt by Mr.3. But remember that I have stood my ground. I have a time line I am trying to follow and I will not waver in my willingness to work this out with him...he just has to be willing as well.
So let's end this post this way. In the scenario where Mr.3 is on a bus somewhere trying to beat Jimmy and I coming home, this would place Mr.3 on a Greyhound bus somewhere in Missouri. He would be on this bus for almost three days before he arrives in Salt Lake at 9:30 in the evening tomorrow. The bus is going to be hot and cramped with sweaty, smelly, and holiday-travel-angry people....the bus will invariably break down somewhere, someone will be sick and the smell will linger for hours after they got off the bus...the ride will be uncomfortable in every sense of the word...a travel nightmare. And while I can't guarantee that he is feeling guilty on this ride or if he is feeling smug about having "pulled one over on me", I can be sure that he is hating and regretting life while he is accumulating the greyhound travel scruz all over him.
And just for that, I can enjoy being smug a little.
As I completely blubbered on the phone, he told me that they had released him that morning. He had paperwork and letters from the doctors. He was going to get a ride home from one of the other guys that he was with. He said that he would call me again at lunch time and at dinner time. I said that he should call me from the house phone. All-in-all it was a seven minute phone call that left me unsure of how to feel.
Before lunch I had decided that I wouldn't just drop everything and come home early. This vacation is not my vacation alone, but Jimmy's and my parent's opportunity to see us. I was willing to try to come home one day early, but I needed to verify that Mr.3 was actually home, first. And really...I need some time. I can't go back to the way that we were. And I was/am worried about how I am going to react to seeing him.
So what started out as possibly being a great holiday turned into a horrible one. He never called me back. I called the house all day, I called his cell phone all day. I did not call the number he called me from yesterday. He said it was a cell phone number of one of the guy's wife's that he was in the program with. I also didn't call the number because I don't want to be the crazy wife trying to track down her husband again...and honestly...I shouldn't have to.
I sent him a particularly angry email last night, left messages, checked messages...and so far, nothing from him. I may or may not call the cell phone that he called from yesterday, I haven't decided yet.
But why? Why is the question that I am left with. Why lie to me about something as monumental as him being released? Who in their right fucking mind, tells someone that they supposedly love, who has been waiting for them for 10 months, that they have been released and then not call them back? Is this some sort of sick Christmas gift, I'm gonna tell her what she wants to hear? How does he know that that was something I wanted? Because honestly, the only thing that I wanted from him, was just to hear his voice. And I got that...and then I got that little extra. That extra which now, the morning after, doesn't feel like a good gift, but that I have been tainted by someone/something downright evil.
I hope that I am wrong. I sincerely hope that my husband is not as evil as that, but I just don't know anymore.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
I guess that in theory, I can file a missing persons report on him now...but I am reluctant to do that, and I can't quite explain in words why.
I am also really hurt by this situation. All last week and this he was telling me that he would be home, he would be home, and well...he isn't. And in the spirit of transparency in which I live my life, I am going to post the last two emails that I wrote to him. You can decide if I was too bitchy or not enough. My goal...and we will see how long this really lasts...is that I won't send him another message until he contacts me.
Here are the emails, followed by commentary afterwards:
We leave tomorrow early. While I am sad that I will not be able to spend Christmas with you, I had a feeling that it would end up like this. I wanted to believe that you would really fight to get home for Christmas, but you don't seem to be even fighting for a phone call. I don't feel like you have been fighting at all. And it makes me feel like a fool for all the fighting for you that I have done.
I'll leave your gifts under the tree. There is food in the fridge if you happen to come home. If you are sent home and you don't have keys anymore, you can call Libby to let you in. Her cell number is XXX-XXX-XXXX. You won't get a warm reception from her, but she will let you into a warm house.
If you are still in where ever you are at Christmas time, can you at least manage a phone call? That really isn't too much to ask.
I hope to be on the road by 8am, however, I will try to check my email before we leave. I, of course, will have internet access and you can always access me on my cell. We will be driving back on the Friday the 28th.
I love you, and have a happy Christmas,
I don't know what to think anymore. I was hoping to get a message from you this morning and nothing. I am full of so many emotions today..anger and rage and absolute heart break and dejection.
I know that the last thing you want to be is divorced and homeless....but your actions dictate your circumstances. If you really want the life with me that you say that you do, you need to fight for it. I have told you time and time again of my position....of how things stand with me. The not knowing, the doubt. And you would think, that in order to save the marriage "that you so care about" that you could manage to pull off the little things that would keep it going....like getting verification to your wife of where you are.
You haven't managed that. You haven't even managed a phone call. But you tell me that you give your phone time to other guys in need... who are facing divorce. While I commend your selfish altruism....your marriage is ending. And you are too fucking stuck in your own head to care or do anything about it.
I'm done fighting this fight. I'm done being the only one who cares about our future together. I'm done.
If you really want me. If you really want a life with me, then YOU need to work on it. And if you don't want those things, then you need to find the balls to be honest with me and tell me. Because no matter what you want for me, for our future, you are going about it in the most dishonorable way possible.
You don't treat the ones you love this way.
Let me be honest here, the absolute last thing that I want in the world is to divorce Mr.3. We see how bad of a wreck I am when I have to admit that I failed to do a project at work....just imagine the horror that would be me if I had to admit that I failed in my marriage as well. I want to work things out with him, I really do...but I can't work things out with a brick wall. I also don't want to throw the threat of divorce around like it was some sort of game playing card. First of all, my marriage isn't a game, and second, I don't play games very well. I have nightmares, which have been more and more frequent lately, that I used the threat of divorce against Mr.3 and that he signed divorce papers just to spite me, to call the bluff. And I am devastated in each dream that this happens with...because I still don't see him...just his signature. I can't even get closure in my dreams, let alone real life.
Even though I hate the thought of divorce, it is still an option if he doesn't come back after being gone for a year. Divorce would be a means of protecting myself. Protecting myself from his creditors and from his student loans that I am liable for but shouldn't be. I shouldn't have to protect myself from a husband that I so desperately want to be with.
And I want to be with him so bad that it hurts. I have felt for months now that I am not whole. So I try to fill up that gap with work and volunteering, and whatever activity I can get my hands on. I try to cover up the pain, the loss. Nothing works. I still acutely feel the loss of him, the desire to hear his voice, to feel the weight of his body on the other side of the bed, his hand in mine...
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Libby got me out of the office for a while...she tried to calm me down, but I was in a right state. We went to go and pick up the rental car today, which was a fiasco. They gave us the wrong size car, so we had to call customer service and go back to the dealer to get the correct size one. The owner was being difficult and I almost punched him when he asked me if I had refilled the tank (because apparently you can burn through a whole tank of gas in twenty minutes or so). Jimmy wisely stepped in-between the two of us...and sort of took over...cause I was ready to kill. According to Jimmy, my Dad and I have similar tempers. Who knew?
After the car issue, Jimmy went with me back to work so that I could finish a couple of things before I leave. I feel a bit better about thing now, but I was throughly unhinged earlier.
Jimmy and I are both excited about going down to Arizona. While I am sad that Mr.3 will not be with us, I am not surprised, hurt, but not surprised.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Thursday, December 13, 2007
I did do something good for my health yesterday though...I signed up at the local community center for a month's membership. So I can go and work out, take water aerobics, that sort of thing. I liked the atmosphere there alot. But now...I have to schedule that in as well.
It never ends.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
I admit that the biggest draw of most holiday parties is the free food, however sometimes, the parties are so horrible that the free food is not a draw at all. This is the case with most of the parties at the University..and it may be that the parties aren't that bad but more to the fact that I can't stand it when people dress themselves up as Christmas trees and drape themselves in bells. And that Christmas-Dress sickness is a pandemic in many offices, including mine. Maybe it is the fact that we don't put up Christmas trees (we are the Middle East Center after all), that certain co-workers feel like dressing "festively".
I am going to go to the Job 3 Christmas party because I am curious to see what a Christmas party with computer geeks would be like. Plus, they are holding it at a nice hotel downtown, so the food must definitely be good.
Anyway, this year I managed to avoid the University Christmas Party but still reaped the benefits of the free food. My tip (and secret to my success): Offer to answer the office phones so that everyone else can go to the party and enjoy themselves. It worked marvolously and I am currently eating two heaping plate-fulls of food brought to me by grateful co-workers. Yum...
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
To convert to Islam and become a Muslim a person needs to pronounce the below testimony with conviction and understanding its meaning:
I testify “La ilah illa Allah, Muhammad rasoolu Allah.”
The translation of which is:
“I testify that there is no true god (deity) but God (Allah), and that Muhammad is a Messenger (Prophet) of God.”
To hear it click here or click on “Live Help” above for assistance by chat.
When someone pronounces the testimony with conviction, then he/she has become a Muslim. It can be done alone, but it is much better to be done with an adviser through the “Live Help” at top, so we may help you in pronouncing it right and to provide you with important resources for new Muslims.
Did you catch that? Yes, if you need help converting to Islam, you can get help via live chat. It is me, or does that seem to de-spiritualize the experience?
I know that he thinks that it is weird that I make him write his schedule on the kitchen calendar....but it is helpful. Especially on mornings like today when I know that he was supposed to go to work. My alarm goes off at 6am, which I proceed to hit the snooze on until 6:45. I am also a light sleeper, so I normally hear my brother when he gets up. But this morning I had no memory of it. So contrary to my own body's desire to stay warm and in bed, I got up, just to check to see if he was up.
I turned on the bathroom light and opened Jimmy's door that lead to the bathroom. He was still in bed.
I didn't say a word. He looked groggily at me and was starting to complain about my presence there when he shot straight up in bed, looked at the clock and said "Fuck!" rather loudly.
I would just like to point out that your average roommate would not have checked to see if you had left for work....and your average roommate wouldn't have thrown on some pants and flip flops to drive you to your job at 6 am on a cold winter's morning.
Further proof that I rule.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
As I felt a little silly asking friends about where I should start, I got a few that have been made into movies to start out with: V for Vendetta, 28 Days Later, Sin City....and I was a bit bummed that I couldn't find 30 Days of Night, even though the library said that they had it. I was hoping to find out if there was another reason that the vampires were such messy eaters.
So I got those and then I grabbed some random ones off the shelf...a couple spy ones, one about a bear and a psycho cat, and I read one about a robot and monkey while I was there. I stayed away from the Anime though.
If anyone has some recommendations, let me know.
Also, have you noticed? Have you noticed?! I am feeling better. I have been trying to get back into those things that I really enjoy: reading, writing, and just being passionate about those other things in life that I used to be. In my quest for it to be all about me (did I write about that? can't remember, I'll have to check), I have been little bit by little bit rediscovering me.
Monday, December 03, 2007
On the main page there was a seemingly harmless button that said push...and I did. I little fart noise sounded. Then it flashed to push it again, because as the site said "You know you want to". So I did. An even more noisy and wet fart noise ensued. Then the computer egged me on to press the button again, and being no stranger to the fun of bathroom humor I did.
OH. DEAR. GOD.
I was then taken to a video clip of a man standing above a naked woman....pooing. While I admit that I was impressed with the steady stream and endless supply of said poo, I was horrified at the look of ecstasy on this woman's face as she rubbed the feces all over her body and into some areas that definitely aren't a hygienic area for poo (if there is such a thing).
So beware....sometime work and the internet can be a frightening place.
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Guiliani- swarmy to begin with, pro-life but way too anti-gay marriage to even consider.
Romney- Too mormon for me to even being to research.
Huckabee- While I do think that getting Chuck Norris to support him is cool, the fact that he is going to actively push for an amendment to reverse Roe vs. Wade is not.
McCain- my Republican pick. Wants abortion to be a state's decision....which I am ok with as a pro-choicer. And he has an excellent, absolutely excellent Veteran's program.
Kucinich- is it wrong for me to want my president to enjoy dairy products? And have a firm stance on something other than that the Iraq war was bad?
Edwards- Lovely hair, but I don't think that I can forgive him for the low-blow badgering that he did to Cheney on his daughter being gay. It was unfair and counterproductive...and I don't need that in a president.
Hilary- I know that everyone wants her to be her husband, but we need to realize that she is not. I don't like the idea of universal health care...we need something a bit more moderate. And her stance on veterans----horrible. She wants to ramp up a program to teach returning vets to be construction workers...like all she believes that military people are fit for is to be ditch diggers.
Obama- My democratic choice. A reasonable health care plan, excellent views on Veteran's issues and the middle class. And he has an excellent adviser, Philip Gordon, who after I had read his book and then was told that he was advising the Obama campaign, made me sit up and pay attention.
So there is my run-down....Obama first, then McCain. I guess that now I need to wait for the primaries to finish up...and then I can make my choices officially.