I'm beat.
My body hurts.
I've got a weird headache.
And damned if it isn't the day before Ramadan fasting starts. You totally have to mentally psyche yourself out for the month....and right now, I am not sure if I will make it until 5pm.
Ugh.
Once again, the holidays associated with my faith have snuck up on me. Of course lately it only seems like I remember a holiday if I see copious advertisements about it. And while I want to create family traditions....I haven't had the time to think of anything.
I want to fast. I haven't done it in a very VERY long time. But I also don't want to disappoint myself....or have others (who are or are not fasting) judge me for deciding not to fast....or of not being able to keep it up. Plus....if my body is aching this much because it hasn't gotten used to my new yoga teaching schedule...it makes me a little worried about this next month.
I'm whining. I know.
I also don't want to make myself sick....and right now, I feel like I am on the cusp of it.
I need to figure out a way to make Ramadan mine. That is part of the freedom of being in the religious minority right? If I am the only one in my immediate circle of friends practicing, I get to choose how this works right? Yeah, there are rules. But there are also a ton of rules about prayer...and I'm pretty set in my ways and beliefs on that.....so why not with Ramadan? Maybe that is what I need to do. Prayer is a mental state and a way of living: every breath is a prayer (which is why I also love yoga as much as I do). So maybe what I need to do is that instead of obsessing over the rules and trying to figure out how to schedule this in....I need to focus on the intention behind Ramadan. People gain weight during Ramadan because they gorge themselves on food after sunset, and take naps during the day. How is that appreciating what it is to have nothing to eat? What is more rewarding? Giving alms or actively serving? Is the intention put into our lives more important that the items we check off a list?
Rather than freaking out about times (and buying a prayer time app like I just did)....I should be cultivating mindfulness of my actions, how I view my faith, and how I view my relationship between myself and the divine. Perhaps that will be more satisfying than being bitchy for a month...