I wasn't sure how I was going to feel today, and the day is only half over, so I am not going to make any final determinations. I did have a nightmare last night. He was in it, as he is in most of them. I can't remember the context though. However when I woke up I thought it was morning and was glad that it was....until I rolled over and discovered that I had only been asleep an hour. So I had to leave the tv on and try to wake a little so that I didn't drop right back into the dream again.
On any anniversary it is hard not to go through the thought process of "well what if". In this case, what if we were still together? We would both be unhappy... very much so. I'm sure that I would look a lot older than I do now. There might have been a child or two, but I would be so broken down by the weight of handling all the finances and being the breadwinner as well as caregiver...that I don't think that I would enjoy motherhood like I want to. Maybe he would have finished his PhD by now. I definitely wouldn't be "me" anymore...just an unwilling servant... a shell. I was a shell when he left, I don't think that there would have been anything left that would have resembled me at all. When I was pondering this possibility this morning, the thought process was only a few seconds because I became overwhelmed by all of people who are in my life now that wouldn't be if I was still with him.
And then.... I started to cry. Crying over the possible loss of so many people who have been instrumental in my life over the last 10 years. So many people that I love deeply....
My parents, my little brother, Libby.... all of our relationships wouldn't be as strong.
My friends from the MEC who stayed with me beyond our time there- Linda and Dylan.
I wouldn't have joined my Lodge, and wouldn't have met and loved my wonderful brothers...who I am not going to name but just put their initials (which I am sure they will get the humor of): M, K, C, J, R, T, R, H, C, M, R, M, J, B, J, K, I, E and on and on and on.
My awe-inspiring co-workers, my tribe of sisters- Alana, Nubia, Leslie, Jo'D, Julie, Hilde, Liz, Nonie, Marilyn....
My amazing polycule- the Gent and my two awesome Metas that I haven't come up with a snappy nicknames yet for...
All of these wonderful people listed above (and more! I have so many tribes that I could be listing people for hours) that have come into and stayed in my life over the last ten years- who have laughed, and cried, and worked, and loved with me.... so many people who most likely wouldn't be in my life if he had stayed.
Every one of you reminds me daily of the infinite capacity that I have to love.
Thank you for that.
And...
I love you.