Some shaky first steps...

I've been trying to be better about sharing my feelings with people this last year. I am not sure if I have been successful or not, but today I thought that rather than just saying this in chat to someone, or write a facebook post, that I would come back to this here lovely chronicle of my life.

I am trying to go off of the depression meds.  Originally when I started there was no way to parce out what was stress, what was anxiety, what was depression, etc.  Everything was just put under a heading of DEPRESSION in big horrible letters.  There is part of me that thinks that I shouldn't do this.....that I will never be ready.  I have to keep reminding myself that I only wanted the medication to be a bridge, a temporary respite before I was able to reconnect to my body again.

I have now been off of the depression meds long enough that they should be out of my body.  I started to notice some bodily changes a couple of days ago, but today was the first time that I realized that I was over thinking something to my detriment.  I've taken half of a pill that I am supposed to take when I feel the anxiety taking hold.  It is a small thing, but it feels like a victory.  A month or so ago I had realized that I had been having a low-grade panic attack for a couple of days....I thought that it was depression.  Once I saw and treated it as a panic attack, I felt much better.

So I ask that people be patience with me during this process.  If I clam up, don't let me.  If I cry, let me cry... but don't let me berate myself for crying.  I give people the space and permission to cry all the time, I need to start allowing myself that as well. 

Also, please help me remember these things:

• Being my own worst critic will one day be the death of me.
• Insecurities are not weakness, they are limits we have placed on ourselves.
• There is nothing wrong with me needing people.
• If I tell others that "I don't seek perfection from them, I seek intention" in their actions...I need to ask the same from myself....every.damn.day.

I need to find comfort in my own badassery.  I am smart; I am capable; I am enough.  I need to stop letting that big pit that says I will never be respected or acknowledged for my abilities be filled with the knowledge that I can.  That pit dictates so much of my life....it drives me to distraction, it prevents me from finishing projects that really do show my abilities.  It tells me that not only will I end up alone in life, but also that there is something within me that is so flawed that I deserve it. That pit needs to go in the worst way.