It has been a week since the meeting with the bug and the AA, and I know that I have been remiss in letting everyone know what happened. Even a week later it is really hard to tell anyone what actually happened. I could tell you the exact word by word blow of the situation, but even that wouldn't quite nail it down.
The important thing is that I did not cry at any moment, but the bug did at least 3 times. She had no idea that she was upsetting me like she was (no surprise) and she really didn't know why I was being so mean to her...and there gets to be this level of how much do you believe that someone is truly oblivious to their behavior and what they do out of spite. Take JB for example...she truly did not care about anyone or anything that couldn't get her ahead in some way. The bug on the otherhand legitimately wants to try to do good, but is misguided in her approach.
2 things really came out in this meeting that surprised me: One, she really likes me, and two, the bug has the lowest self-esteem that I have ever seen in a human being. The pity I feel for her now vastly overshadows any annoyance that she could have cost me.
Her giving me a pet name, hanging over my computer, and all of the things that she does that drives me nuts are her attempts to get close to me. She feels very maturnal towards me and she likes me above everyone in the office, in fact she felt that I was the closest to a friend/family that she has had here. I explained to her that she doesn't need to mother me, we don't need to try to be friends, I just want her to be herself. In the meeting I even gave examples of when she was truly herself and it showed, and that I really like those moments with her. But this comes to another issue, that of after 62+ years, she has absolutely no sense of her own identity. She has always been June the mother, June Barry's wife, June the one in Outreach, June the Advisor...she has never been just June. She worries about her job performace, why people don't like her, why she doesn't fit in, why is she unhappy...she doesn't understand that she needs to go out and find that happiness for herself, it doesn't just fall into your lap. And there is no easy way of finding it. In her mind she has done everything that is expected of her, she got married and stayed married, she raised her children, she helps the household by trying to keep it financially sound, she was a dutiful daughter...and yet she isn't happy. There is nothing in the bible about doing the right things in life and still being happy in the here and now. She needs to divorce her husband. He makes her unhappy and she does the same to him. He manipulates her, he lies to her, and leaves her behind to pick up the pieces of respectability. She needs to leave him, sell their house, and she needs to start out on her own. And while it is easy to tell her these things, ultimately, she needs to find the strength to do it on her own.
This meeting felt very much like a therapy session, and it was focused very heavily on her. That is probably why I am not sure how to feel about the whole thing. Since the meeting we have been on the best of terms, better than we have ever been. I, yes me, have even been defending her to others in the office. She not only let down her guard but she showed me her core. It is a place that I would never want to be in. I have to respect her just for showing me that side of her...and it is really strange when you are let that deep into someones psyche how everything can be forgiven.
Last night, Mr.3, Jason and I gave a short presentation about the Model Arab League to the United Nations Association of Utah. Even though she had told me she would be unable to attend, she showed up anyway...and I guess that now I know how much I mean to her I really appreicate the gesture.
This is not to say in the least that she is serving as a replacement for family in my life. I know that my Mom was worried about that a bit. Rather, my anger has turned to pity and I am allowing her to , well..for lack of a better word, love me. I am sure that this confuses everyone..but I myself still feel in shock about the situation on the whole.
I guess though that I should quickly explain the title...the bug made brownies the other day for the office...an attempt on her part to show regard...anyway she used peppermint oil instead of extract in the frosting mixture and the frosting tastes like altoids...if you eat the frosting first and then the brownie it is pretty good and a little on the adicting side.
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