Friday, March 02, 2007

I think that syntax is cursed

As Mr.3 was delayed for reporting to work in the SLC office because of the train problems, he was let go from his job. To say that this has hit him hard would be an understatement...he called me at 6 am in the morning yesterday to tell me that he wanted me to meet him at the VA, he said that he needed help.

I waited for him at the VA for almost 2 hours, and then went home because I was starting to freak out.

He called me a little later, said that he would take the bus home....2 hours later I finally get a hold of him again. He couldn't face me....not with the disappointment he was feeling. Promised he would come home. And he didn't.

Mr.3 calls this morning, again at 6 am. Tells me that he is going to check into the U mental health ward, promised that I would get a call from him or from a doctor telling me what was going on. No call yet, no information. And I am not sure how I feel. Gut reactions tell me to be calm...I know that I should listen to my gut reactions....but waiting is difficult, despite the calm I feel over the situation.

Mr.3 apparently stayed with friends last night...but he won't tell me who they were. It was someone who he felt comfortable in talking to, and he wouldn't tell me who because he thought that I would be mad at them. Needless to say I am curious. I wouldn't be upset at whoever sheltered him last night--envious of them, as he wanted to be with them and not me, and thankful to them...for being there for him when he wouldn't allow me to.

I guess the best way to describe how I feel about the whole situation can be capsulized in a except from a letter I wrote to him this afternoon:

I range from sad, understanding, enraged, and detached. You are not the only one hurt by all of this. Whatever this is at the moment. From my end, I see that you got some bad news---news that we (and I do mean "we") could have done something about yesterday---and that news completely shut you down. And shut me out. I thought that we doing better....I was happy that you wanted to go through therapy with me...that you wanted to fix this partnership. We can't fix anything, if it is you getting help....if it is you who call all the shots. It isn't fair. Why should I have to be the one who waits for you? Why should I have to be the one shut out, not given any information? Why should I have to be the one who has to hold everyone else up when all I want to do is crumble?

And yes, maybe I am trying to make you feel guilty....I am trying to make you feel something, anything, just to get you to interact with me. By letting you go to DC, I was showing you that I was willing to take a leap of faith and to trust won't even do that for won't even trust me to see you. Am I that dangerous or undeserving? Being married means that we take all that we have and share it with the other. It means that we see each other at our best and at our worst, that we take each other fully and completely for what the other is. We don't pass judgments, we just love. I don't want to see only "the best" side of you....I want to see the human side....the one with weaknesses...the one with love and compassion for me...I don't want to see the side of you that I am seeing now...the one who is so obsessed over what I may or may not be thinking that he is willing to push me away all together..because of pride. That is not who I married.

I just want to be a wife to my husband. I want to be there for you...I want to help you, to help me, to help us.

Neither of us can do this alone.

I guess this leaves me with further waiting. I hate waiting. I just want some news. I guess if that I don't hear from him I can report him as missing tomorrow.

The ache of missing him controls everything. I miss his body...the proximity of his body to mine...I miss seeing his freckles, the weight of his body and how it makes the mattress feel whole when we are lying together hovering in that state between sleep and awake. I just want him back home...or at least to tell me where he is, is he safe, getting help?

I am so cold. Probably due to lack of sleep and not eating properly. I can't tell if it is laziness, apathy, or just plain depression. Shaky and worried, that is all that I am.

The really odd thing is that in Syntax class we are covering the same exact chapter were we covering when everything fell apart last fall. So if I can blame this on anything, I think that the culprit is Syntax. I think that it is cursing my marriage. Damn Syntax.

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