Saturday, April 28, 2007

depression regression

You could say that I haven't been posting because it is the end of the semester, and that would be partly true. What would be more true to the situation is that I am so hopelessly depressed that I haven't been able to function. This last week has been bad. I have been doing alot of reading on depression and how to handle it, and I have my up days.

Today is a down day.

We had an Outreach meeting today and we talked about the June is kinda the crowning achievement of the year. And just thinking about all of the work that is going to be dumped on me just fills me with anxiety. All of our volunteers are wanting their own rooms and we are running out of rooms to begin with. And I want my own fact I want to stay for a second night because last year I was so run off my feet that if I could have stayed another day I could have felt a bit less run down. And last year I decided that I was going to stay the second day...actually Mr.3 and I made the decision because he helped out last year---and did much more work than our volunteers. But I can't even plan on him being around in June, let alone tomorrow or next week.

This week has been horrible with communication with him...or rather no communication. Of course, I heard nothing from him over the weekend. On Monday he called me when I wasn't online waiting for him and because of a work thing I could only talk to him for a minute. He said that he was going to call that night and didn't. Tuesday nothing, Wednesday a chat online, Thursday nothing, and Friday a chat online. And now it is another weekend...where I probably won't hear from him...and I feel myself cracking at all the hindges. And to make matters worse, he keeps telling about all of these breakthroughs that he is making....and that he testing normal on all of his baselines and that the doctor said that he is going to be able to come home....except it isn't happening. You would think that the one week that is supposed to be his last he would contact me more. I sent him the following email this morning...but I fear it will have no effect. I am so scared that I am caught in this horrible cycle that will never end...or it ends when I finally snap. And who knows when that will be be...but it can't be long. I can't keep this up anymore...

Hi Honey!
I left you a phone message last night. I hope that you are able to get a call or some internet time this weekend. No contact from you on the weekends really ticks me off.....I try to be all nice about it but it really makes me angry and sad.

I have an Outreach meeting this morning from roughly 9-11. I don't expect to be home until noon though. Other than that my day is unplanned...I can try to be online for most of the afternoon, but it makes if really difficult for me if I don't know your schedule.

I am curious to know what you and DeWitt talked about last night. It obviously wasn't the news that we both wanted. If you are showing normal in your testing there is no reason for you to be there. And I will not tolerate you doing what you did for an entire month last Fall which was that every day you were planning on coming home and it didn't happen for one reason or another. The longer you are away the more room I have to doubt...and the more that our marriage suffers. While I am incredibly excited about the breakthroughs that you have made in the past two weeks (and I can see them change in your tone and in your excitement...something amazing is happening with you!) we must remember that for this entire time, I have gotten no help....and definitely no validation about your situation. I am afraid that the longer this goes on....the more contempt I am going to build up with this...and I worry that I will not be able to get rid of it all...and if I can't purge that contempt, we as a couple will not last. You have had enough "you" time...things need to transition, and that transition needs to be immediate.

Saying that this is an ultimatum would be silly...because I am not going to leave you, and definitely not in the immediate future. But it is our future that I worry about. You being gone for 8 months out of our 14 months of marriage is not acceptable by any standards...and definitely not acceptable because I have not been able to verify where you are this entire time. The only thing that I was sure about was when you were in jail. How sad is that? How much longer do you really think that I can manage living in this uncertainty? I think that my strength has been tested long enough.

You need to come home, my love. I am tired of being a wife without a husband. I miss you. I miss us. I just want to be able to move on and feel happy everyday again....because it has been so long...

I love you!

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