Thursday, May 17, 2007

For All of Those Who Thought I Was Strong---I'm Not

I have found my breaking point....and if you were one the few people who actually saw me breakdown I am sure that you will be haunted by it for quite some time.

I heard back from my teacher on my course design grade. Basically---there is no way that she will even entertain the thought of me doing extra work to raise my grade. She also doesn't even think that I am capable of doing the work. And she accused me of "winging it" through my entire project.

Naturally, most people in my position would lobby the teacher to reconsider....but my breakdown yesterday proved that I was not emotionally or physically able to complete the work even if my teacher had approved it. I was so beaten down that I was...and in many still useless.

So I am giving up. Much to the shock of those around me (Mr. 3 was perhaps the most alarmed). Giving up is not in my nature....but it is the only thing that I can manage at the moment. So I am going to petition to late withdrawal from my thesis hours and the course design project. I can prove that that I was not able to withdrawal by the deadline and that I have extenuating circumstances that might affect my performance. I am also going to ask for a leave of absence from my program for next Fall, and take my comps and retake my last class in the Spring. I am not even going to try for the thesis. The faculty in the department didn't want to deal with it before I have having issues...there is no way now that they will deal with this. If I go onto the PhD route I will deal with that issue when I get to it. I need to just get myself back together and get back to school later.

I can also say that I have officially had my first real bout of secondary PTSD symptoms. I completely freaked out yesterday, and I can't remember things....and while I am better today, I am still not at a hundred percent and I probably won't be for a few more days.

I also discovered that while I have so many things going many personal and family issues going on, that I resent when others try to "take credit" for this current situation. Both Mr.3 and my mom had made overtures that it was their fault that this happened. And for once, this isn't about them...this is about me and only me.

Oddly enough, something must have resonated with Mr.3 because he called me at his lunchtime today for 10 minutes. I was so stunned that he called that I didn't talk very much...well I talked and cried at the same time. This would have been so much easier to deal with if he was here with me, if only just to hold me. Of course that short phonecall was the first in a week and a half. I hear less and less from him. I am afraid that one day he will forget to call me or type with me all together. He said that he had a call scheduled for 6pm tonight...and of course he didn't call. He never does call when he says that he will.

Yesterday really concerned me...I was very low...and in a place that I don't want to be in. I feel broken. Broken in that kind of way where you know something is broke but you aren't sure if it even can be fixed...or if it is even worth it to try.

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