Sunday, November 25, 2007

I swear I can not do anything right

So the family is concerned that I am having a mental breakdown...wow...that is nothing new. I have been slowing breaking down for months and months and months. Is it just now that I can not hold back the emotion from showing on my face. So....all of a sudden it is a big deal. All of a sudden Jimmy decides that he can not handle watching this happen and is going to move out as soon as he can. It is too painful for him.

Big fucking deal.

Him wanting to move out because he feels it is time, or that he wants his own space, is one thing. but him wanting to move out because I am depressed and showing it is another. To use that as the reason for moving out is a big slap in the face. You have problems....and while I love you, I just don't want to see them. Like I could have gotten away with that excuse when he had problems or when my mom was so bad when I was younger. No, I stuck it out....

I guess that is the difference between him and me. I have always been the one who had to stay, who had the responsibility to keep everyone together. I carry everyone`s burdens around for them. But no one can witness my pain....it is too much. Me showing any sort of weakness, showing any sort of human emotion is too much for those around me. They have to leave. Or in Mr. 3`s case.....he just ignores me for a couple of days and hopes that I am not being as emotional the next time that he bothers to contact me.

Well, fuck you all.

It isn't like I haven't been telling you that this is happening. I guess everyone just dismissed it for me being overly dramatic....because I can handle anything, right? I have been asking for help and support....but I really don't need it, right? I can obviously handle anything.

So fine. I am just going to pour my heart our here....pour it all out for you to see. Make you watch my suffering. And then, you can just close your eyes to it....shrug me off. She is just being overly emotional, overly dramatic. She can handle anything. Just let her type until she runs off the steam.

3 comments:

Kerrith Black said...

What help do you need?

Delal said...

that's the hardest question of all to answer

Anonymous said...

I'm just a random person reading your blog, but I think you need to tell everybody to fuck off for a while. Even me, if you like! Find a therapist who won't just tell you that everything is ok, or put you on meds, find one who will help you look at why you're prone to having other people take advantage of you, and how you can put your foot down and get the love you need. I've been there, and know from my own experience that there can be a different life for you.