Tuesday, December 16, 2008

A Smack Upside the Head aka Telling Myself to Just Calm Down

Sometimes I wish that the voice of reason in my head would speak up louder. I have this desire sometimes to let myself freak out over nothing.... not only is it not healthy (just the false anxiety alone) but then it also makes you look like you're fucking crazy.

Case in point....the current relationship with M. I haven't seen him for a week, and he has had a busy crazy week so I haven't been able to really talk to him. A week is only seven days.....yet I find myself freaking out about it. It isn't like I haven't been completely unavailable to my friends for a week in the past....so why am I freaking out? Damn good question. Most likely because I really need that rational voice in my head to tell me to "calm down". I can't even really tell you what I am freaking out about.....part of me wants to spend a bunch of time with him, and another part of me doesn't want to deal with anyone or anything. I hate this constant feel of ambivalence.

So let's rationally look at the current relationship, shall we? What has been decided? That we are exclusively dating. Fair enough, I'm still pretty proud of myself for establishing that. How often do we get together? Haven't answered that yet at all. Originally I said that I wanted to see him twice a week.....but can I really handle two nights a week with not much sleep? Really? So I think that I am going to go to seeing him once a week with the occasional twice a week stints. My next step is to actually talk to him about that, so that I can find out what his expectations are. And realistically..... we need to cultivate our friendship more. Before I start bitching about not seeing him enough, I really need to evaluate how much "time" I can handle anyway.

And for now....I really need to stop trying to pick out and predict all possible meanings when he tells me that he doesn't want to get together because he is exhausted. Because he probably really is exhausted. Not everyone was like Mr.3 and trying to manipulate me all the time. M and I came to an agreement that we would be straightforward with each other, and there is no other indication that M isn't being that way with me now.

So Debbie....you need to calm the fuck down.

You've now witnessed my own smack upside the head.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

why do you not sleep much when you see him? hee