In Arizona, Without My Husband

My brother and I have safely made it down to Holbrook to celebrate Christmas with my parents. We were all hoping to have Mr.3 with us, but as I haven't heard anything from him since last Tuesday...he obviously wasn't able to come with us.

I guess that in theory, I can file a missing persons report on him now...but I am reluctant to do that, and I can't quite explain in words why.

I am also really hurt by this situation. All last week and this he was telling me that he would be home, he would be home, and well...he isn't. And in the spirit of transparency in which I live my life, I am going to post the last two emails that I wrote to him. You can decide if I was too bitchy or not enough. My goal...and we will see how long this really lasts...is that I won't send him another message until he contacts me.

Here are the emails, followed by commentary afterwards:

Email one:

We leave tomorrow early. While I am sad that I will not be able to spend Christmas with you, I had a feeling that it would end up like this. I wanted to believe that you would really fight to get home for Christmas, but you don't seem to be even fighting for a phone call. I don't feel like you have been fighting at all. And it makes me feel like a fool for all the fighting for you that I have done.

I'll leave your gifts under the tree. There is food in the fridge if you happen to come home. If you are sent home and you don't have keys anymore, you can call Libby to let you in. Her cell number is XXX-XXX-XXXX. You won't get a warm reception from her, but she will let you into a warm house.

If you are still in where ever you are at Christmas time, can you at least manage a phone call? That really isn't too much to ask.

I hope to be on the road by 8am, however, I will try to check my email before we leave. I, of course, will have internet access and you can always access me on my cell. We will be driving back on the Friday the 28th.

I love you, and have a happy Christmas,

Email two:

I don't know what to think anymore. I was hoping to get a message from you this morning and nothing. I am full of so many emotions today..anger and rage and absolute heart break and dejection.
I know that the last thing you want to be is divorced and homeless....but your actions dictate your circumstances. If you really want the life with me that you say that you do, you need to fight for it. I have told you time and time again of my position....of how things stand with me. The not knowing, the doubt. And you would think, that in order to save the marriage "that you so care about" that you could manage to pull off the little things that would keep it going....like getting verification to your wife of where you are.
You haven't managed that. You haven't even managed a phone call. But you tell me that you give your phone time to other guys in need... who are facing divorce. While I commend your selfish altruism....your marriage is ending. And you are too fucking stuck in your own head to care or do anything about it.
I'm done fighting this fight. I'm done being the only one who cares about our future together. I'm done.
If you really want me. If you really want a life with me, then YOU need to work on it. And if you don't want those things, then you need to find the balls to be honest with me and tell me. Because no matter what you want for me, for our future, you are going about it in the most dishonorable way possible.
You don't treat the ones you love this way.
merry christmas
d

Let me be honest here, the absolute last thing that I want in the world is to divorce Mr.3. We see how bad of a wreck I am when I have to admit that I failed to do a project at work....just imagine the horror that would be me if I had to admit that I failed in my marriage as well. I want to work things out with him, I really do...but I can't work things out with a brick wall. I also don't want to throw the threat of divorce around like it was some sort of game playing card. First of all, my marriage isn't a game, and second, I don't play games very well. I have nightmares, which have been more and more frequent lately, that I used the threat of divorce against Mr.3 and that he signed divorce papers just to spite me, to call the bluff. And I am devastated in each dream that this happens with...because I still don't see him...just his signature. I can't even get closure in my dreams, let alone real life.

Even though I hate the thought of divorce, it is still an option if he doesn't come back after being gone for a year. Divorce would be a means of protecting myself. Protecting myself from his creditors and from his student loans that I am liable for but shouldn't be. I shouldn't have to protect myself from a husband that I so desperately want to be with.

And I want to be with him so bad that it hurts. I have felt for months now that I am not whole. So I try to fill up that gap with work and volunteering, and whatever activity I can get my hands on. I try to cover up the pain, the loss. Nothing works. I still acutely feel the loss of him, the desire to hear his voice, to feel the weight of his body on the other side of the bed, his hand in mine...