Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Adventure, Ample Breasts and WHAM! Amazing Gunfights!

Each week on my Nook, Barnes and Nobles offers a free book download. Whoever wrote this week's book must also write for those silly Saturday night Syfy channel zero star movies that you end up watching because there is absolutely nothing else on TV. This book has been hilarious. I'm only 80 pages in and the main character has been in no less than 5 gunfights. He's also been in New York, Florida, Mexico City and Guatemala in less than three days.

Here's the basic storyline (you'll have to imagine the added sound effects and arm movements that would be added if you were listening to me tell this story in person):

Ruggedly handsome and overly wealthy man is stuffed into a tux for yet another "society fundraiser". A strikingly beautiful woman (with "ample breasts") spots him from across the room and begins to walk towards him. But before she can get there WHAM! the waiters at the event aren't real waiters but professional killers who beat up Mister Ruggedly Handsome and kidnap the beautiful woman. She left behind a flag and an empty whiskey bottle. Mister Ruggedly Handsome, with his unlimited funds, decides to track down the source of the bottle (in the hopes of also rescuing the girl). His search takes him to Florida, but on his way to the airport..... WHAM! He is ambushed by an armored car with the same professional killer waiters from the night before. He manages to evade them.....causing minimal traffic congestion by the way.... and get to the airport to fly his own personal plane down to Florida.

He spent most of the flight in the back of his airplane with it flying on autopilot. Little troublesome there.

He arrives in Florida and of course the only way to get to this civil war battlefield (the source of the flag) is by airboat. And as they are skimming their way through the swamp WHAM! A second airboat accompanied with two jetskis start to chase him and shoot up the boat. After a game of chicken where the other airboat flips, allowing him to travel to the battlefield museum in question. While there he is confronted again by one of the men in the overturned boat. He escaped by BAYONETING the man with an exhibit from the museum.

The next leg of the journey takes him to a museum in Mexico City where he meets the extraordinarily hot curator. As they are flirting in a highbrow and academic sort of way.....WHAM! they are ambushed yet again by several gunmen. I don't remember exactly how they escaped....but that was because the gun fight was pretty similar to the one some Dan Brown novel I read and I had started to skim. Anyway, they escape and Mister Ruggedly Handsome accompanies Miss Hot Curator to a black tie function at the museum benefactor's house.

And....you'll never believe this one....the benefactor is none other than the man who has been hiring these henchmen to kill Mister Ruggedly Handsome in the first place. I know! I was just as surprised (*tap* *tap* is the sarcasm font still working?)!

Mister Ruggedly Handsome and Miss Hot Curator try to leave the party but then WHAM! they are pursued by four----count them---FOUR motorcyclists shooting at them. She surves and ones of them falls off the road. Mister Ruggedly Handsome finds a can of gasoline, tears off a bit of his shirt to make a wick, lights it, and creates a fireball that covers the road and takes out two more motorcyclists. One more motorcyclists rides through the wall of fire (I swear I've seen this somewhere before) but he is taken out by a bullet to his front wheel.

The pair then get a hotel room where Miss Hot Curator takes a shower and walks around holding her towel around her very very loosely. Eventually the towel comes off. I just wish that the author was as forthcoming with the sex scene details as he is with the gun fights.

Last I left the book they were driving through Guatemala being pursued by the local lawless bandits. I believe that the book might eventually have some sort of archaeology component and deal with some mystery surrounding the myth of the fountain of youth. Oh, did I mention that Mister Ruggedly Handsome was an archaeologist? I know....that was a bit of a surprise for me as well. (*Ugh, it hurts to type that with a straight face*) It will be interesting to see how many more gunfights they can fit in within the next 90 pages or so.

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