Last night I kinda went out on a limb and attended an "Intuitive Q&A" evening. The best (and most concise way) of describing the event was that it was a group reading. Everyone in the group would ask one question and the "readers" would draw tarot cards, use numerology, and/or draw upon their psychic energy to answer the person's question. It was an interesting night, and I enjoyed it very much. Part of me was worried that I would find the whole thing incredibly fake, but everyone felt very genuine. I guess that this is a sign that I spend too much time with people who want to practice magick and are looking for rituals and incantations to do something which other people can do naturally. I guess this means that I believe that there are certain people who have special abilities....not something like traditional scifi superpowers....but that those people have a more open and active channel with the collective consciousness of the universe. But I digress...and trust me....I could joke about the "magick" people all day.
Of course, with any event of this nature, my first concern was whether or not the readers could really "read" me. I've had other people in my life say that they can read me easily....and I let them think that. I rarely let my inner nature be seen....and even then, it is only with people who I trust explicitly. Most of the questions in the group were specific to jobs, lives, the regular cares and worries of everyday life. My question, and really the reason why I wanted to come to this event to begin with, was about how to tap into something that I didn't realize that I had bottled up. I have had several instances lately where (for lack of any more concrete terms that can be found) I've felt that my energy and the energy that I am capable of projecting has been bottled up. It keeps popping out and I would like it to do that more but I don't want it to explode under all the pressure it is apparently packaged up with. For example, I love teaching yoga, and after every class I feel....powerful. Almost radiating with it. And not powerful in the sense that I am going to take over the world (that is on a completely different to-do list) but powerful in the sense that I am projecting all the love, hope, and sense of possibility that is out there in the universe. I want to be able to use this more...and I figured that if anyone could assist me, the people in that room could.
Their insights and advice hit to my core:
"The word that seems to come to me that you are always worried about is appropiateness" (ouch, true.)
"You come into each room, evaluate how everyone else is feeling and then match yourself to fit into them." (ouch, true)
"You need to stop worrying about the appropriateness...."(at this point I'm making faces cause I'm annoyed that I am crying) "....you need to be comfortable with projecting that true self, because it is what makes you a great teacher" (ouch, again true, dammit)
"The other word that comes to me is 'sage'. You're a sage and you're hiding it." (At this point everyone looks at me in the group with a look of 'shit they're right, why are you denying us'?)
At this point I was called on the spot to dispel my 'wisdom'. And uh.....being called on the spot like that is not easy.....plus what in the hell do you say? We all closed our eyes and breathed for a moment and I spoke when I was ready. To be honest, I don't remember what I said, and no one in that room could remember the specific words either. Which is a little funny, because I said something along the lines that we needed to be comfortable with those times when words fail, or there are no words...something like that. Anyway, half the room was crying....and I felt generally uncomfortable and that I had taken over someone else's party.
They definitely tapped into what I've been feeling for a while, but it sounds crazy and like I am bragging to admit those things to other people. I didn't really want to be called a 'sage', because my first thought was 'but who loves a sage'? Sages have followers, people that love them yes, but do they have someone as a significant other who joins them on that journey? No. Sages are fairly notorious for being single their whole lives. Maybe I need to read more and see if Nesrudin Hoja had a wife.' And I guess that I can think of another person who is a sage and is married. But they are both men. If anyone can give me an example of a prominent female sage who has a significant other, I would love to see it. Cause the reality of it feels heavy....not just the lack of a partner thing, but the responsibility of the weight my words could carry with others.
The primary advice I was given was to start noticing when I was being "appropriate" and to stop it. Yeah.....that is going to take a while to start noticing because it has been a lifetime habit and an incredibly effective way for me to move through this world. If everyone would just have their eyes closed, or allow me to have my eyes closed during these 'sage-like' moments I would feel better. It kinda feels like the anxiety that I get when I sing. I know that I can, that I have a decent voice, but I am petrified to sing in front of others...even though I really really want to.
Just after the session, the guy sitting next to me told me that when I was called on the spot he had an image of me of me in his mind. In his image he saw me standing on the edge of a diving board with my back towards the pool, and that I jumped off backwards from the board when I spoke....and there was no splash, just silence as I slid quietly into the pool.
So.....here's to no splashing....