Don't worry....I am not going to give you highlights, but I do want to review my word for the year, which was strategic. My intent was that it was supposed to be a word that was to guide all of my actions, and in many ways I think that it did. I thinned out alot of my extracurricular responsibilities and somehow managed to expand my current ones. However the past few months of this year, strategic has not been the word of focus, but herculean. That is how finishing everything has felt- herculean. Going into work, bathing, finishing tasks, following through on my day-to-day responsibilities....all requiring a level of effort that seems almost impossible to conjure up. But I've managed.
Those close to me have noticed....and I seem to have a variety of people making comments about how I should drop this thing or that thing, work less, etc. I get it. I do. These are all very well meaning things to say to me. However, right now....it all comes off as criticism. That not only am I not managing but that I am doing everything WRONG. There is a Hodja story that I find particularly appropriate to this situation...
One day Hodja and his son were traveling to a neighboring city. Hodja felt like walking and allowed his son to ride on their donkey for the journey. As they were walking people on the road exclaimed "See? Look at the selfishness of today's youth! That boy is forcing that poor old man to walk! How disrespectful!"
So Hodja decided that maybe it would be better if he rode the donkey and his son walked alongside. As they continued on their way, more people commented "I can't believe it. That old man is making that poor little boy walk that whole way! How rude of him!"
At this Hodja decided that maybe both he and son should ride the donkey, but even then people commented, "Look at those two! Riding on the back of that poor donkey like that! That is animal cruelty!"
Getting frustrated, Hodja then decided that neither of them should ride on the donkey. That, however, still did not stop people from talking, "Look at those two idiots walking when they have a perfectly fine donkey to ride upon!"
Completely fed up, Hodja then picks up the donkey and puts it up on his shoulders. "If this doesn't stop people from talking, I don't know what will!"
When I first read this story, I only thought about how people are criticizing others and where do they get off thinking that's ok....blah blah blah. Which is true. When I told this story to my boss, her immediate response was "I get that! We keep changing the ways that we do stuff to please other people, but they still keep complaining. If we make one group happy, another one isn't." That interpretation has been really resonating with me lately. No matter what I do, I can't seem to make anyone else happy....least of all myself. Trying to constantly adapt and change to others people's whims are annoying and slow down progress....but the goal is the same.....just like Hodja, I am still traveling from one place to another. Does it really matter how I get there, just so long as I get there in the end?
So while I feel like I am carrying a donkey on my shoulders, I'm still on the path. For all the struggles, the path is kinda interesting at the moment. When I was re-reading the strategic post, I was surprised to see that I had written that I was having trouble with the season in general. This holiday season has been awful for me. I don't have the Christmas spirit, I don't want to give people gifts, and I've been avoiding all holiday type activities....I've been depressed (I actually took a sick day because I couldn't will myself to leave the house), I've been crying alot and generally emotionally raw. It's because I'm triggered and have been in an emotionally triggered state for a couple of months now. So many anniversaries of Mr.3 awfulness, so many feelings of abandonment, loss, and that I will never truly fit in anywhere or with anyone ever again. These past few months have been awful....and I'm not out of it, I'm still right in the middle of it....and I will be, for a while.
When I first thought of writing this post, I was going to suggest changing my annual word in acknowledgement of my failure to let it guide me. After deeper thought (and can I just say that the amount of thinking I've been doing lately is exhausting!) I realized that I am where I am at the moment because I have been strategic.....very much so. By working earlier in the year by really asking if everything that I was doing was really serving me....I created a situation of stability-financially and emotionally. A place where I can actually have the space to deal with all the boxed up issues I've got.
Now the best-case scenario out of this would be able to continue the work that I am doing without taking much more criticism from others, because carrying a donkey is hard enough as it is.
I'm trying folks, I am.
But no, I don't want to talk about it.
Yes, I am making sure that I am ok and will see a professional if I feel that I need to.
Yes, I am going out and doing non-work related things but no, there are times when I need to stay in and work because bills don't go away if you are depressed.
No, I'm not being "too nice" to others, that is just my leadership style.
No, I'm not being too hard on you, I just have a low tolerance for your bullshit, excuses, and lies (and lying is a major trigger for me so if you are caught in one, run for the hills).
Yes, I believe that honesty is the best policy but if your really don't want an honest answer to your question, you should perhaps rethink asking me that....because as you can see....I lost my "tact" filter a few miles down the road.
Yes, I will let you know what I need....whenever I figure out what that is.
No, I am not being evasive on that question, because I really don't know what I need right now.
And yes, if I said that I would do something, I will.....but the timelines may not be on your schedule, and sometimes, depending on the day, may not be on mine either.
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