For those in the know, I'm anti-resolution for New Year traditions..... I'm not going to set myself up for some strange and awful failure of will. But choosing a word and at least one hare-brained scheme a year works for me. It seems that in reviewing the blog, I didn't set either last year..... although starting school again is going to be my retro-active hare-brained scheme for 2015....2016 will be determined later.
I do, however, have a word for this year. And that word is "openness".
Openness in letting people in. Letting people know how I'm feeling. Letting myself be open to answer honestly, even if that answer is no. Allowing myself the space to try new things and have new experiences.
This word has been a couple months in forming. The stress and associated depression with it has been severe the past two-to-three months. I'm hoping that the new year will be a reset and that I will be able to open to letting some of that residual tension go. If anything, the new year will hopefully bring a normalization of my schedule/routine.
Another aspect of the formation of this year's word is that I'm dating someone. Someone wonderful. And that person has brought some other wonderful and amazing people into my life. People who feel like family; who feel like being home. To be loved is one thing, but to have someone make you feel wrapped up in love and safety without judgement is another thing entirely. In many ways I feel like I've cheated this person somehow because they have met me in this period where I do feel so unstable. It's like I'm stuck in a Fight Club loop....
In some ways, they have seen me at my worse up front. Maybe..... I am most likely still hiding most of it....and every time I force myself to be open and honest about my feelings I want to award myself a gold star. To pat myself on my back for trying to embrace the openness of acknowledging this vulnerability. I haven't ruled out yet creating a sticker reward board for these moments.
But 2016 is for openness.
Openness to love
To be loved
To be able to accept the love given to me by all the people in my life
To feel like I deserve that love I receive