Thursday, October 27, 2016

The Missing Pilot

It's been a rough few weeks.... and I seem to spend most of my time processing what is going on.  It's damned exhausting.  Last night though I had a dream that seemed to help me understand what I've been feeling with my relationship with the Gent. 

Awesome photo found here
In the dream I am sitting in a large cockpit of a jetliner as the co-pilot.  We are waiting for the pilot, but no one knows where they are and it is time to leave.  I'm trying to stall but it is not very effective.  The ground crew is trying to get everything ready and notify me that they are removing the little stands that they put on wheels to make sure the plane doesn't move when it is not intended to.  This shouldn't be a big deal as the plane is theoretically in park, but once they do this, the plane starts to roll forward towards the airport terminal.  Panic.  Where I am sitting there are no controls, it is just a passenger seat.  So I lean over trying to look at the controls on the pilot side and they look completely unfamiliar.  I find what looks like a brake pedal and press it....and the plane stops.  But it is only stopping for a brief second as the plane starts to go into reverse. I hit the other pedal which is marked both gas and brake and the plane starts to go in reverse faster and begins to turn into a circle....we begin to hit things like trucks and luggage carts and there is no way to stop it, all I can do is brace for impact and wake up.

I know that it is a common dream interpretation that when someone is driving in a car that the individual driving represents who is in control of your life.  I'm going to assume that a plane is not going to symbolize my life, but it could very likely represent a relationship.  I recently told the Gent that we were done.  It was in a chat message (so make any assumptions you want to able how horrible a person I am with that) and we were having a text fight.  For months it seems like the text chat is the only way to get him to pay attention to what I am trying to tell him.  When I speak to him he's looking at his phone or focused on something or someone else. If I am going to feel alone, I would rather that be when I am physically alone, not lying in a bed with someone or sitting next to them.  He has been the absent pilot in my dream.  I'm waiting for him to be there like he is supposed to be.  I'm where I am supposed to be, next to him to support him.  But instead I'm alone feeling all of the impacts of the crazy circumstances of him not being there.  People and objects are being hurt because he isn't where he should be....and all I can do is brace for impact.

It perfectly sums up how I feel. I don't love him any less....but I can't be left alone in the plane spinning out of control anymore.  I'm sure that there could be many different interpretations of the dream.  Such as examining why I as co-pilot had no access to controls and not knowing how to fly the plane.... it could mean that I am shit at relationships (but I honestly think everyone needs to work on that as relationships are not static but dynamic and always changing) and it could also mean that I have given up too much control to someone else.  Or it could just mean that I needed my partner pilot to be there and they weren't.

I don't know where anything else goes from this point.  I'm in new territory here.  In the past my relationships have ended either by a mutual discussion where we are still friends, or in being left by the other person with no closure whatsoever. I've never had the opportunity to reconcile with someone or even have the satisfaction of a knock-down drag out fight that we make up from.   The only thing that I do know is that I can't get into that plane cockpit by myself again.  I can't be sitting there waiting for the other person to show up so that we can go through our pre-flight checks and properly take off... I need to walk down that gangway and enter that plane with that person right by my side.

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