long time no write

which I guess is unfair to the few readers that I have. I find that I spend an enormous amount of energy writing emails to Mr.3 during the day...so that when it comes to blogging I can't really remember what I have and haven't told anyone anymore.

I figure that my life has now become some sad country-western song. Part of me wants to wallow in it all, to use it as an excuse to be the loved victim...something that I sort of hate in other people. I don't want to be the victim, and the rational side of myself (that side that compartmentalizes my emotions so that I don't explode) tells me that I should spend my energies elsewhere.

Things with Mr.3 are difficult....just as they have been since this mess began. When people ask me how things are, I get a very strange look when I say "same old, same old". They think that I am in denial of my problems or that I am very crass and uncaring. I am not either of those, I am just trying to learn to deal with things in a different fashion than your average drama queen so that I can get through the day. Mr.3 had to give up his FLAS for the year. That was really difficult, I still disagree with how it was done. There was a permission letter from him asking the administration to contact me while he was in the hospital, and that wasn't done. I initally thought that it was the bug that had withheld this information from Bradley (yes, the same Bradley of the Turkey dig) and that Bradley didn't realize that Mr.3 and I were married and blah blah blah. I learned that I was wrong....yes I will repeat that....

I was wrong in suspecting that the bug was trying to sabotage my husband.

In fact it turned out that Bradley is still a prick and decided to ignore the letter altogether. And to think that I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I found out this vital piece of information in a rather humiliating meeting that was held on Tuesday after I sent a very angry email to the Center Director about the situation. Part of me honestly feels that that meeting was not for my benefit at all, but for them (the current director and associate director) to see how good of an administrator Bradley could be.

I feel used.

They allowed Bradley to berate me, treat me like a child, and generally be his jerky self. I even got up to leave and they made me stay. So the first part of the meeting was about the rules of the FLAS....which I wasn't questioning, I was questioning the methods they used to follow the rules and they needed to know that it had disasterous effects on Mr.3's recovery. The second half of the meeting was trying to find the root of my hostility towards the bug. So it was mainly re-hash of just about every meeting that I have had to have with her when we have fought about something. They want to bring in HR. Fine, I'll do whatever they want.

I have been reflecting alot about the meeting...and Teri suggested that I write a letter to the director about how the meeting made me feel. I drafted something today, but I don't think that I will ever send anything...who knows....maybe I should, maybe I shouldn't. Something really strange happened in the meeting...they kept asking me who they should side with in the conflict between the bug and I---they said this like it is an on-going war--which I was unaware of. They kept asking me if they should side with me and fire her. I frankly told them that I am not asking them to fire her, and I never had (as to my feelings on whether she should be or not...). I told them that they shouldn't side with anyone. But if either of us do something in the scope of our job that is a cause worthy of firing that they should do their administrative duty. I resent that they were trying to lay some sort of guilt on me for that. When I was drafting this letter, something dawned on me....they made it sound (and I have heard about the bug complaining to them about one thing or another) that the bug was in there all the time complaining about me. Yet I complain directly to them once and they are offering to have HR come in? Did they offer that to the bug when she initally complained about me? I doubt it. They have already chosen sides because they clearly haven't given serious thoughts to her complaints. I wrote that in my letter, that they are doing a large injustice to her.

And if that isn't messed up, I don't know what is.

So if you think that I should send the letter into them about that, let me know. Teri is for it, Linda was strongly against it, and while it might make me feel better I don't think that it will change anything.

Other items that are on the difficult-to-cope-list-that-Debbie-has-to-compartmentalize-her-feelings-on is that Grandpa is dying. Yes, we all are in a way dying...but Grandpa is a bit more immediant. His cancer (non-hodkin's lymphoma) is out of remission and has traveled from his stomach to set up settlements in his spleen, pancreas, and liver. He has been given 2 weeks to 2 months....and we all know how I hate the timeline thing. The nasty thing about his dying is that it involves blood, or rather he throws up blood,
dark
scary
icky
blood.
Prior to this last week, they would just give him more units of blood when he would throw it up. The doctors have stopped doing that, which means that he is slowly bleeding to death. He was taken to hospice this last weekend, and we were pretty sure that he wouldn't ever come back, but he was brought home today. My Mom and Dad are down in California, and they are going to take care of him and my Grandma Ellie (whose health is also going down the tubes rapidly). There is the possibilty that he could go at any moment...and while there is so much going on with the family...my mom and dad really need to be down there with him. When my Uncle Don died, it hit my Dad really hard because they were the same age...and family. My Grandpa dying is hitting him really hard too. My Dad has never been good with the emotional stuff...and I think that he has hit his limit with all that has been going on lately.

So there is your wrap-up...loads of fun I am sure. I need to get back into the habit of blogging again...it is always so nice to just be able to be,

just be,

on this site..I miss it.