The letter I wish that I could write

I have not been able to talk or write to my husband since August without having someone else listening or reading what was written....nothing has been private with us for so long that I am afraid that I will never be able to have a candid and honest conversation with him...if I have in fact ever have.

I have alot of anger issues....a lot. And I want to write a letter to Mr.3 detailing all the places that he has hurt me. He has destroyed my trust...yet me made me feel like a horrible person for not trusting him in August when he was obviously lying to me. I wanted him to meet me halfway: emotionally, financially....marriage is a partnership after all....and all I feel like I have been doing is trying to please him, to make me happy...when I don't see him trying to do much of that for me. I have never said no to him...and that, is going to change.

In his letters he apologizes for not being there during my Grandpa's death...he knew how much it meant to me to have the two of them meet, and they never did. But there is no apology for what he has put me through, the lying, none of that. No apology for any of the hurt he has caused me.

Case in point. I have asked him for practically nothing...but one thing that I did want was a shiny wedding ring. He told me several times that he had picked something out and had put a downpayment on something and that I would just love it...etc...etc...etc. And when we finally had the money for it, he made an annoucement that we needed to go down to the mall that I knew had the jewelery store that he had supposedly made arrangements with, he said that we needed to buy "something special". So here I am, excited that I am finally going to get what he had promised...and what did he buy....$200 of name-brand shirts that he didn't need. Thinking about it now still makes me tear-up. I didn't want anything expensive and regardless of all of the promises that he gave me, I watched (and let) him spend money easily over 6 times the cost of that ring on frivilious items...each time getting more and more hurt in the process.

so I need to tell him these things...and I think that it is important that he knows just what exactly he will be coming home to when the time comes...not that I am some raging beast (at least I don't think so), but I feel that I need to let him know some things now. He has so much to answer for...so much.