Many people come to India to find some sort of clarity in their lives. My trip to India seems to have clarified something that I had been working towards for a long time…
Tired of traveling with no money and beating myself up over every cent that I pay. Tired of having to stay at low-rate hotels….tired of feeling like a back packer. Tired of traveling by myself. Granted I am very grateful for being able to come here…but I came for the Global Voices conference, not to see India. I came to be a part of something….but shopping and sightseeing without the ones that I love tear me apart. I am impossibly depressed at the moment. I want to spend and spend and spend and buy for me and for me and for me…I have felt that lately everything has been all about me helping other people….me giving up for other people. And I am tired of that too. I’m tired of feeling like I am going to break into tears at any given moment…that all moments of reflection are moments where all of the sadness that I have been bottling up comes to the surface.
I realized last night that I used to be a fun and witty person. Last night at the dinner I was very very dull…a shadow of my former self.