Sunday, December 03, 2006

too much

I am not sure where to start with this. Just when I start to fill like I am back on my feet, I feel like I have been smacked in the face with a board.

Good news on Mr.3, his court date in on the 20th and I have been told that the prosecution can't prove the case and that he will also be released that day. I have to talk to his lawyer first because I worry that he--meaning the lawyer--is telling him something that he would like to hear. I can't afford to pay the phone bill to correctional billing services until the 7th, so I haven't been able to talk to Mr.3 and have been told everything through his mom. The bankruptcy is going through. I now have the luxury of being able to answer my phone. It is a hollow victory. I seem to work all the time now...ferrying myself between job 1 and job 2. Saturday was horrible. Outreach had a workshop and I worked from 7am to 4pm straight, and then on to Williams-Sonoma from 5pm to 11pm. It is the last week of school and I have a thousand projects to complete.

Every morning I wake up and take an Aleve because I ache so much.

And of course, my own desire to be perfect is slowly killing me. I love writing for Global Voices, I love being a part of it...but lately I haven't been able to write anything. And the Turkish bloggers are turning on me....citing favoritism to the Kurds when really the only reason I think that the Kurdistance article gets done is because it is during the week and the Turkey article is on Saturday. I want people to understnad my stress right now...that I feel like I am facing the impossible....but nothing I seem to do is good enough for me or anyone else for that matter. I feel really hurt by the comments lately put on Global Voices by Murat and Metin...and yeah...I may just be over-sensitive but that is my only viewpoint at the moment. I have been considering talking with my editor to re-do my writing schedule or to switch to a bi-weekly option until I can mentally get back on my feet. And let's not even get into the guilt over my lack of writing and going to India this month...guilt and embarassment is too late to cancel, in fact it was too late to cancel last month.

I feel so broken.

1 comment:

Murat Altinbasak said...

Deborah, I would have written you privately, but your public comments about me require a public reply.
No matter what you say or how you feel or what you think, the fact that we are friends is precisely why I felt I could speak my mind openly about G-V. I'm truly sorry that you are hurt by my remarks, but it's clear beyond any doubt that what I stated at G-V is truthful. If you recall, the third or fourth word in my G-V comment was 'love'. Please don't forget this. It's not a word which I splash around carelessly. Admittedly, I'm a little hurt too by your reaction. That you do not see or acknowledge my position, is kind of a kick in the teeth.