Well I finally have a weekend off, and with no impeding deadlines I am not sure how to handle myself. I have been so tired lately that reading has been difficult--hard to get my eyes to stay focused. The past 2 days the phone calls that I have had from Mr.3 have been about 7 minutes long, with promises that they will be a second call that is longer. That call never comes.
I am frustrated. A married woman without a husband...or rather a married woman who is not allowed to see her husband, whether it is him or his doctors that have made that decision I don't know. If only he would call. It is hard not to feel abandoned.
I read alot about PTSD and coping with it and all of that fun stuff, I find new things every day...I am pretty sure that Mr.3 and I are not in a codependent relationship....if we were I would really be going off the wall. Everything says that this is something that has to be worked on together. And that this isn't something that I can control. Well that's great, like I have any control or any say.
I didn't call the VA and beat down doors to get us therapy, because Mr.3 wanted to be the responsible one to do it. And I let him take that role because I didn't want to be overbearing. The result....he is getting help somewhere and I have been completely pushed out of it. I understand that what has happened to him is his, and that there is nothing I can do to make it go away for him. However, what effects him, effects me...and I feel like I have been put into the put-up or shut-up position.
I have never criticized him for not being able to provide. Never. I felt that he beats himself up too much about it anyway...I didn't want to create more tension by letting my anger out. But I am angry, I am hurt. He was so busy worrying about the job that he lost, that he completely pulled away, and any help he could have given me was taken away. So the "paycheck" that we desperately needed....never came. I bit down on my pride, and gave him my trust to let him go and take this job.... that was a huge thing for me. I don't think that he really realizes that. And then he let a small mistake go to his head and he completely shut me out. Completely.
I can't trust my husband to fulfill the promises he has made to me. He gives me no support. And every time some crisis happens, I know that I can count on him to not be there. I know that I will not be able to count on him being there for holidays. I want to have children with him someday...but I plan for that knowing that he will not be there when I need him. When I think of our future....I look at the plans that we have made, and I know that I will always have to be the one bringing in the money. I will struggle all of my life to try to live the appearance of a comfortable existence.
I wasn't asking for the world, I was asking to be met half-way.
My problem is that I love him completely. That even through all of this loneliness and gloom, I still hold hope that we will be able to get past all of this. That one day we will be able to live a happy life that resembles normalcy.
And now, I am going to admit some fears that I haven't admitted to anyone. I believe that my husband pawned his wedding ring last year. He seems to treat it like it was just something trivial that he has misplaced. He doesn't seem too concerned about getting it back or getting it replaced. I feel like that is how he is treating me. I am a trivial object. I also think that he pawned my camera and the portable DVD player that we got as a christmas gift this last Christmas when he went to DC. Why? Because I just can't see his friend "loaning" him $200. I believe that even now he is still lying to me. And stupid me..I am always going to be gullible enough to believe him....and foolish enough to never leave him for it.
Can it be that his getting therapy is ruining our marriage? He has lied to me for so long, asked me to accept so much....and I can't even get confirmation that he is getting help like he says he is. When I talk to him, he tells me about how wonderful the treatment is, and how he is learning so much about himself. And he tells me that he is frustrated that I haven't been brought into this process yet....Big fucking deal...How is this not just more of him stringing me along?
And of course he will read this...and call me with that quiet little voice of his, trying to apologize. I can't take any more apologies because the words feel empty, rehearsed. I need action. I need him to be a man, I need him to show me that he really does care about me and about us and about our future.
I try to hide my feelings, my hurt. I have always had to be "the strong one" for everyone else. When do I get to break down? When do I get the luxury of having someone care for me? And no matter how much I want to break down and give in to my inner drama queen ...I know that I can't. I've got work and school, and Jimmy and my parents and my husband....all of those things that I have to care of.
I stupidly answered the phone earlier, it was a call from the bug. I have been invited to dinner at her house tomorrow and I don't know how to get out of it. I can't think of any way to do it and not leave someone with hurt feelings. While Wendy and Hamida are going to be there, two people I like and feel comfortable with....I can't shake the feeling that this is an attempt on the bug's part to finally find out all of the gossip. And of course, if I tell her that I can't go because of emotional reasons...she will just push more and more and more. I can't trust her anyway. I can't find a way out of this.
To make it all worse, I don't even know what to tell people anymore anyway. To some extent, people haven't been asking about Mr.3....maybe they are all worried that I will crack and they will be flooded with a situation that they really didn't want to hear about. Maybe no one asks anymore because I just don't leave my office. I work and work and work...and hope that people can leave it at that.
I guess that if I have to accept all that I do, that they should be able to do the same.
And I wish that I could tell this to someone and have it matter, rather than just pouring my heart out to a keyboard. But why go to some therapist who is just going to tell me to run away? I don't want to run away. I want to make this work. I want to be able to be given the chance to make this work. Just to be given the chance. I am not even asking to be met half-way anymore, because that was too much. Just a chance, a toehold in the door...something, anything.....please.