Sunday, March 25, 2007

Sad Sunday

It has come to my attention that once again...I have been married together with Mr.3 just as long as I have been married apart from Mr.3. It truly is depressing.

And in theory, Mr.3 is supposed to be released tomorrow. Although there has been nothing done about bringing in the family...just empty promises made to the patients about it. Supposedly something is going to be talked about in group about coming home....but again...I think that it is an empty promise.

I hate where I am right now. I hate being married in name only. I hate this uncertainty...I hate being told that I have to just deal with all of this. I hate having the burden of supporting everyone else but myself on my shoulders.

I bought myself a badly needed pair of tennis shoes this weekend....and all I could do is feel guilty for it. I finally got my hair re-permed after almost a year....and I felt guilty about it. And of course, everyone says that I deserve it and that I need to treat myself from time to time. Well fuck that! Why do I have to be the one to treat myself?! Why can't someone treat me for a change?! Why can't someone help me out with everything that gets dumped upon me?! Why do I have to be the one who is the silent and obedient support?!!

And yes, I am angry. And yes, I am frustrated. Mr.3 is supposed to come home this week....and I don't think that he will. Part of me feels that he will never come back....that I am again stuck in a neverending loop of only him getting help and him telling me that he will be home soon, be home soon. And that soon never happens. What is there to make me feel like this time will be any different? How am I not supposed to feel abandoned?

In any case, if he comes home this week I am ready for him. The house is clean, I finally went through all of the piles of junk mail and shredded what needed to be shredded and filed what needed to be filed, the laundry is done, the mattress is flipped, I even re-did the spice cabinet and inventoried everything with scary efficiency.

On the surface, everything looks like it is alright. But it isn't. I feel broken, hopeless and hollow.

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