It has been an interesting weekend to say the least. I have been trying to figure some things out...about how I view our relationship, how I view myself....even how I interpret Mr.3's behavior. In some respects, this weekend scared me...and not for the reason that you might think.
Last Friday, after the Model Arab League dinner I went out to a bar with some of the people on the team. It has literally been years since I have been out. And oddly....I ordered two drinks without caring about the price, and I bought nachos for everyone...again, not caring about the price. I felt free....and I found myself realizing that if I was single, that I probably would have gone home with someone that night. And that is what scared me....I had never really considered what it would be like to be single again, and after thinking about it....there are alot of things that I would like to change about how I live, but being married to Mr.3 isn't one of them. When he comes back though....we are changing some things...we are going to go out as a couple. We are going to live a little, we are both young....we should act like it, instead of like senior citizens. I am also going to be more aggressive in "marital relations"...we are newlyweds for goodness sakes! We should act like that too.
Something that Mr.3 typed on Friday had me thinking...he said that life was so much easier when he knew who the enemy was. And then....I had this brainwave, and so I sent him this email.
You had mentioned in your last chat that you didn't know who your enemy was anymore. Well your actions show exactly who you think that you enemy is....even though on the surface it doesn't seem to make sense. Perhaps you should bring up what I am about to say at your individual meetings today.
Right now, your enemy is me. Let's look at this in logical steps, I represent in the enemy in two ways: the government and the active enemy you are fighting.
First the government: when we first met, I was enamored of you..your intelligence and background, something clicked between us and I took you in. Compare this to your recruitment into the service. I covered all expenses, I never got mad at you in the beginning because of finances (even though I was devastated when you quit the Marriott--it put so much pressure on me)....you were completely taken care of by me. All you had to do was go to school. I became a means for you to go to school because you even used my financial information to go to school. I became a tool to get what you wanted....the government did this for you as well. You see me as an entitlement, just as you see government services as an entitlement. Let's go into this further shall we? When you were hurt, you had two enemies...the government that put you in the position to get hurt and the enemy who shot you. By my demanding that you give an equal share into the household, in your mind I became the government. It is perfectly ok for you to feel that the government is entitled to take care of you but it is not ok for you to get hurt.....it is perfectly ok in your mind to have me take care of you but it is not ok for me to ask for you to help share in our financial fight.
Let's go to the enemy shall we? You are actively evading me. Last year when I asked you why you were going eastwards based on your phone records, you shut off contact with me by phone. You have done the same thing this time when I commented on the phone records. Last fall, everytime you called me you entered in the code before you dialed to show up as a private call. I thought that this was odd because when I would contact the VA...caller ID always showed a number. This time you are arranging all of the calls so that they appear to go through the cell phone. You are covering your tracks. In fact last time the only time you did not cover your tracks was when you were arrested...the enemy was real then and you came to me "the government" for help. You have even covered your tracks with how you contact me electronically...last time you only used hushmail, which cannot be traced for locations, this time you only contact me through the gmail chat, which also will not disclose any location information. Some other similarities between this time and last time: the doctors not calling me, the fact that you are again in a 3 week program which for some reason will not let you out. I am not the enemy and this is not a war game.
Everyone is an enemy to you, especially the ones that care for you.....your parents have been the enemy, until you have needed something...you push away and then return....I am the enemy because I ask things of you and I am trying to find you...I will continue to be treated as the enemy until a more defined enemy comes alone...then and only then am I safe ground.
Of course, on the surface all of this seems absurd. Of course your wife isn't your enemy, she only cares for you and wants you to come home. Or if your wife is the enemy it is because she has betrayed you in some way...she cheated, she was greedy....just like the government let you get hurt and told you that you were going to be left behind. I am only waiting for you to decide what my grand sin against you is....so that you will be able to fully leave me without guilt.
All I can say is that I am not your enemy....but I know that it is a hollow statement because you are going to react to me as if I am. You are going to continue to hide the truth from me....give me the bad intel....because I made the misjudgment of loving you.
I hope that this email has reached you.... I expect that once again you will just say that you are sorry and that you know that it is all your fault. But deep down you won't believe it....because of what I have said above. Until you learn who your enemy really is and how you treat the ones that you love as the enemy....we will not be able to have a life together. No matter how good I am to you, no matter what I do....it will all be worthless if you still treat me like the enemy. And no matter how much I ache for you to be home, no matter how much I love and miss you....maybe you shouldn't come home until you can ensure that you can treat me with the respect that I deserve....as your equal, your friend, your lover, your brother (sister) in arms, and your wife.
I love you
His response was...limited, to say the least. Here are parts of our chat online today...
me: I sent you an email with something in it that I want you to discuss with DeWitt
Mr3: I see the email.
I am asking for a pen to gist it so I can discuss it. We have no printer support
11:10 AM I think it might be an interesting thesis but I don't agree with it
me: well I can't find any other way to explain your behavior towards me. adn last week I heard an interesting expression....
11:11 AM what seems like a crazy idea one day can be a breakthrough the next
Mr3: Maybe it can be. I didn't say the idea was crazy
11:12 AM me: no, the expression says that it is crazy....I on the other hand think that it is right on.
11:13 AM Mr3: OK, I am confused
me: about what?
11:14 AM hello?
11:15 AM trying to communitcate....
apparently it isn't working....
Mr3: No I am confused about your expression thingy comment
I amtrying to figure out where I misinterpreted
11:16 AM me: the expression says that an idea can be crazy....I on the other hand believe that the comments expressed in my emai are not crazy but an accurate assessment of the situation
why didn't you call this weekend?
11:17 AM Mr3: I don't know. I really don't know. I am just so down ...
I know it brings you down and I live for our conversations, I just couldn't
I know it brings you down and I live for our conversations, I just couldn't
I spent so much of the weekend in a state of despair
11:18 AM Outside of sessions I just moped
The holiday made if worse
11:19 AM me: there you go again....making these decsions that are wrong. you have been doing this routinely...not contacting me makes it worse. but no matter how many times i tell you that you are not alone in this....you make the decsions to ensure that you are.
11:20 AM it isn't fair and you know it....yet you still treat me llike I am the enemy....withhold the information and you sttay in power
Mr3: I don't see them as wrong, I see them as protecting you and I guess they are wrong
I don't withold information from you
me: you are protecting me....you are alienating me.
Mr3: I don't intentionally alienate you
It isn't about alienation
me: well you do, and you do it ALOT
11:21 AM Mr3: It is about I don't know that's why I am here ... I don't know what's wrong in my head
me: all you needed to do was wish a happy holiday....I had pretty much figured that you weren't going to come home anyway and told you so on Friday...so it wasn't like it would have been anything new
11:22 AM that is why I would like you to bring up my email to DeWitt....you seem to listen to her
Mr3: I am trying to listen to you too. I really am trying to
I know you don't see it and I know I cannot provie
11:23 AM me: and while you are worrying that you might be the next guy to get upset and pull the phone cord out of the wall...at least remember that that guy had the opportunity to talk to his wife and did...at least that wife got a call ffom her husband and that she knows that he is alove
i get 6 minutes on average on the phone with you....I wait around for you all day....
Mr3: I realize that
I know that
11:24 AM me: I spend alot of time.....to get nothing from you.
Mr3: I understand that and I cannot tell you what a 2 minute or 20 minute call means
Yes you do.
You spend a lot of time for very little return
me: 2 minutes or 20 minutes doesn't matter much in the grand scheme of things when I just don't get calls.
11:25 AM I am investing my life in you.....do you really realize that?
I haven't left you.....I have been supporting you...even through alot of oopposition.
11:26 AM maybe when you decide not to be stubborn anymore and have to do everything for yourself they will let you out
Mr3: Maybe that is the problem. I need to once again become completely self-sufficent to appreciate how to share
11:27 AM me: you call this self-sufficent?
is this your way of telling me that you want to end everything?
Mr3: No I don't want to end anything and certainly not us
No this is not self sufficient
11:28 AM I am merely saying that perhaps it is something that I need to really explore with the doctor and this is the breakthrough that I need
me: maybe you need to realize that it is your idea of having to be the one in control---the self suffiencent one--that got you into the place that you are int.
Mr3: that we need
me: you need to learn how to trust
Mr3: It may be that idea
11:29 AM The idea that was a crazy suggestion
Maybe this is it
me: I am trying on my end....I am trying to help both you and us.
11:30 AM and we need a breakthrough or I am going to break apart and I can feel it happening.
You probably have to go soon, and I am supposed to go and interview Ibrahim
Mr3: I am sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen
I miss you so much
11:31 AM Go make me proud honey bunny
I love you so much
me: I want to tell you that I love you and I want you to come home...but only if you are better and really really willing to make US work.
I miss you.
and I love you.
Mr3: I want us to be us .. :)
I love you
You can decide what you think happened....I felt liberated. I am so proud that I stuck up for myself and my future. I think that things will get better.