Saturday, May 05, 2007

An Addition....

I had just hit the publish button on the last post when Mr.3 called me. I was so in shock that it was him calling that I about choked on my string cheese.

So for about 3 minutes we had one of those conversations where nothing was said and everything was said.

I told him that there was another email/blog post for him. He asked what it was about and I told him that it was about battlespaces. I also told him that I have proven myself enough to him and that we could go no further unless he let me in. He agreed.

He said that he was allowed a quick call to me "because he was flaking out" to let me know that he has a half hour phone call scheduled for 6pm this evening.

He was also out of breath. I asked him if he was ok, he said that he was upset and that we would talk about it later. I could hear it in his voice....his anxiety was up, which means that his adrenaline is up. I can't remember if I have posted about this....but increased adrenaline in the brain shuts off the access in the brain between the short term and long term memory. And adrenaline will stay in your system for days at a time....this is why someone just doesn't return to normal when they have a flashback.

This tells me several things: one, that I got through to him....and two, the news created a situation in which I cannot be sure that he will even remember me talking to him.

Let's reason this out shall we? Let's say that me being upset really did bother him. That would account for his strange attitude when we talked on Thursday. His short term memory wasn't allowing him to retain the knowledge about it and talk about it. He commented that he had been allowed to call because he had been "flaking out" on contacting it is clear that something is interfering with his memory. His doctor has given him a notebook in which he is supposed to write everything down help him remember. Because he can remember all the information that he wrote down in a paper from two years ago...but it is up in the air if he remembers what he had for breakfast. Posting everything on this blog and in email to him, while frustrating, is helpful because at least there is a record that both he and I can refer back too.

So I got through to him, but at what cost? He needs to learn that there are going to be things in life that upset him, and he needs to learn how to work through all of that. One of the things that will be the biggest problem for him, is learning how to cope when I am upset. If he reacts to me being upset, it triggers a response in him that creates another situation in which I get more upset...a horrible cycle results. This is why we need to be in therapy together. Talk therapy is not going to help him with anything unless I am there too. We need to learn to interact with each other so that we can be together.

My anger and frustration with him is completely natural, and in fact, I express that anger in a fairly non-confrontational way. But if Mr.3 is physically unable to handle normal anger expressions from others....he is not going to be able to function normally...unless he can gradually learn to teach his body to react in a different way. This is where I come in. Talk therapy can help us both by giving us a platform to one, deal with my anger, and two, help give Mr.3 the right tools to help me deal with the anger.

Whoever said that "knowledge is power" never had to deal with a situation like this. I can understand what is happening with him...I understand what the consequences are....but then anger feels pretty selfish in the face of it. Even though I have every right in the world to be angry. I feel pretty powerless.

Mr.3 mentioned that he might be able to get time online in a couple of hours....besides the fact that I need to work on my project...I am not going to be online purposely. He needs time to read my second email and this post. He needs time to calmly...and with even all of this, take notes, talk to his doctors....and then have an open and honest phone conversation with me tonight.

This could be another breakthrough....but I never knew that breakthroughs could be so painful. While I want to be there online for him to satisfy my own need to talk and be with him....I need to sacrifice that time in hoping that he will read what I have written and take it to heart.

Mike, honey, I love you so much...I hope that we can make it through this.

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