Yesterday, when I said that you needed to prove that you were not my enemy....it started me in thinking about battlespaces. This situation would make you the bad guy. You abandon without cause, but give lip-service that you are not. You promise funding that never comes through, and you have no worries about running off with half the rent money and never paying it back. It is very similar to the relationship between the US and the Kurds, when you look at it. And the situation is sickening. I have never thought of our marriage as a battle. I have always thought of us as two people working side by side in the name of one united cause...us. But you are pushing me away. Maybe it is because you have been pushed away for so many years by others. Maybe deep down inside you are so scared that you have found happiness that you are bound and determined not to let it happen. Maybe you believe that good things cannot happen to you.
But they can...if only you would let them. If you stop fighting and surrender, you could be happy.
You are no longer in a job where you have to leave for weeks or months at a time on a moment's notice. And even when you were in that job, your wife had the benefit of a commanding officer calling her to let her know that you were being deployed. You are not in that situation anymore....and I don't have to accept you running off and leaving for days, weeks, or months at a time without having outside confirmation of where you are.
I am not asking too much.
I am also not asking for to much for open and honest communication from my husband. I have played all of my negotiation cards up front with you. I have offered complete forgiveness and acceptance. Yet, you keep me in the dark. I have continually shown myself as understanding and willing to learn to see things from your point-of-view. Yet, you still feel that you need to "protect me" from yourself. I have been completely faithful in all of my wedding vows....yet you act as if to "love, honor, and cherish"ing me are a waste of your time. What are your negotiation cards? Let's see, you tell me that you love me, but you treat me like dirt. You tell me that you want me as part of your recovery and treatment....yet you ignore my pleas, tell me stories to give me false hope, withhold information...but insist that you are not. I am not a simpleton. I am not involved in your treatment because you are actively making sure that I am not involved.
But I try to be.
I try to be there for you...to help, love and support you. I keep trying to get through to you...even though you are giving me no encouragement, no acceptance. Hell, I can't even talk to you anymore because you even have control of that. All I have is the ability to send you stupid phone messages and write wordy emails trying to explain things to you about how I feel...because I have been denied a voice in this process. You are the most selfish man that I have ever met in my entire life.
I read so much about this....I read the success stories and the failures. I want us to be a success story.
We can be. I have made as many overtures on this that I can. We need to work through all of this together and the only way that we can do that, is if you let me be a part of this. You have to let me in. YOU have to do this. It doesn't matter how open and accepting I am if you refuse to use me. I don't need to prove myself, my loyalty, and my love to you anymore. I have proven it all to you...even when you hurt me (and it is often) I take the pain and ask for more...because I see so much potential in you, and in us, and our future. I have shown that I am willing to work on this.
You need to take the next step.
You know what you need to do. And you know where to find me.
I love you.