Friday, May 04, 2007

Letter to my husband....

Friday Morning

Hummm....well, no information from you as to your schedule today. My schedule is a little different than most days. I will be at home until 10:30 am, and then I think that I should be home around 3-ish. Which is normally in that window of when you can be online. So if I miss you would you please send me an email with information on what happened in your group sessions, specifically what was said with DeWitt. I am looking for a viable reason as to why you are not home. And of course if there is something that you should tell me, I would appreciate it if you did. I know that it seems insensible to ask that of you all the time...but alot of anguish could have been avoided last Fall if you had just opened up to me.

I bought that book you were talking about "the Killer elite"....not that it is an enticement for you to come home, but it will be here for you to read along with a stack of books that I keep piling up for you.

Other than that I am not sure what to say. Whereas last week I felt connected to you, this week I feel a large disconnect. Normally I feel pretty good after our chats, but I didn't after yesterday's. Maybe it was the lack of me being upset not being recognized....maybe it was because I felt that your "chipperness" was too forced. Either way this week has left me at a total loss. You seem to be on this cycle of you telling me that you are going to come home...and that you are way excited about it....but then you limit your contact with me even more. And then of course, nothing materializes. You did this for months last Fall, would you please spare me that pain again? I want to support you....but I can't support you like that when the hope you offer me hurts so badly when what you say doesn't materialize. If you had truly put yourself in my place, you would understand that. Even though you say that you have done really haven't, and you will never be able to until we, together, are face to face talking about this. Just like I will never be able to shake my anger and depression until we can work these issues out together.

While part of me believes that you are in Utah, there is this other part of me that believes you are still in Washington DC. And when I think about that, I wonder why you couldn't just tell me that you wanted to go back there to go back into therapy? I would have been understanding of that....but then again, I would have recommended that we try for therapy here first, so that I could be close to you but also so that I could have visited you and been a part of your recovery. How you intend on keeping someone's trust but still be stubborn enough to try to hide your treatment is beyond isn't like I didn't know that you had a problem you wanted to seek treatment for. I have alot more reason to believe that you are not in Utah and rather somewhere else....little tells, like you insisting on taking items from the house here that could be easily liquidated, you taking two months worth of razors for a two week trip, the massive amounts of luggage that you took...but your insistence that you were going to leave your big shirt with me because you knew that I would miss you. Something about that resonated with me when you said it. And of course the phone records showing that you were still calling from DC when you had been telling me that you were on the train for 3 days.

And I am sure that your response to all of this would be anger....or "why can't I just trust you?"...My response to that is that I am stuck between two worlds. One world where circumstantial evidence keeps piling and piling up. And the other world where I want to be the loyal wife and trust what my husband says. Unfortunately the weight of the truth falls on you. You either get released from Utah and come home, or you come clean with me as to what is going on...we get you a bus ticket home...and you come home. Nothing can be proved until you come home (or perhaps a doctor's call).

I think that I have spent enough time proving to you that I am not the enemy, that I am a loyal, supportive, and trusting wife. You need to now prove to me that you are not my enemy.

So unless something miraculous happens today, we are again faced with another weekend...and as you feel that you don't need to check in with me on the weekends, I will be lucky if I hear from you on Monday.

This needs to end if we are to survive.

I hope to hear from you soon.

I miss you and I love you.

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