Saturday, May 19, 2007

Saturday Calm

The google ad things on my site make me giggle: anger management, depression, divorce counseling, etc. etc. etc. It really makes me sound like I am an absolute nutcase. Which apparently is what I have turned into.

I have been in a haze the past couple of days since my freakout. In many respects the aftermath is calming because nothing seems to affect me. You don't feel. You just mechanically go through your day, but you are disconnected and calm. There, but not. And for once I don't seem to mind that I haven't heard from Mr.3 in a couple of days.

I suspect this is what Mr.3 feels like. And partly...it is wonderful....this calmness, the not having to feel anything, being so disconnected from your mind and your worries. The other part of me hates every moment of it. I stumble around, I can't connect to those around me...I can't be myself, speak or act or even think like I normally do. My memory is shot. I can't keep my thoughts together even in conversation...and if we pause in conversation for more than a few seconds I can't remember what we were talking about anyway.

Last night I just gave into this calmness....I stopped trying to keep myself focused. I think it resulted in alot of me staring at the TV but not really paying attention. I found myself staring at the tapestry on my wall today. The fan was making it move slightly and if you unfocused your eyes you could pretend that the birds on it were really moving. The calmness does give you a heightened sense of attention on the oddest things....inanimate objects mostly. I continued giving in today. I have been playing mindless computer games this morning and afternoon. I started to listen to my ipod and was getting really wrapped up in the music.

And then the music made me feel.

A song would remind me of being in Turkey and feeling beautiful and carefree and the future wide open in front of me. And then another song would come on, and I would remember Mr.3 and I would be overcome with love and sadness. I have been sitting here crying silently as I come out of this fog.

Feeling again is difficult...and at the moment I really think that I would like to be numb again. Then I wouldn't feel ugly and fat and utterly abandoned.

I keep telling myself that I should just sit down and write...write it all out and hopefully it will make me feel better. I can't bring myself to do it. I just sit and stare at the screen, thinking of all the things that I could say but categorically unwilling to move my fingers across the keyboard.

What do I do if he never comes back home?

2 comments:

Rob said...

I find pipe-smoke very relaxing. If you need me to come over and produce some, let me know.

Stephanie said...

maybe coming to a bar-b-q would make you feel better. ryan and i are having one on sunday may 20th from 6 pm - 9pm i would love it if you could make it!!! please come you can eat and drink and forget about life for a few hours. please come