Tuesday, May 01, 2007

What state am I in?

I really don't know. It is 10pm on Tuesday night and my husband has not called me nor is he home. It makes me sick to my stomach. I sent him a cryptic email because I wasn't even sure what to say. I want to yell at him....I want to say things to him that will cause him pain...because he seems to have to no problems with causing me pain.

He has robbed me even of the ability to be angry at him.

He has cut off my voice.

I am stuck in a flashback of last fall....at least then he had a viable story of why he could not be home...the VA wouldn't clear him from their police system. And then finally the VA just handed him over to the police and he was in jail. And for once I knew where he was. Now, he has no viable story left.....he told me today that his therapist said that there was no more progress that he could make "in house". He has no reason.....no more excuses to not be home.

I used to try to think up his excuses for him to not be home. And most of the time I was right on the money with my predictions. Not this time. I can not think of one logical excuse why he is not home right now. Even if he was still in DC...why hasn't he told me? I have given him PLENTY of guilt-free opportunities to tell me the truth. If my husband cannot even tell me the truth, even after all that we have been through, even with me supporting him through all of this....then maybe he really is the coward that he feels that he is. Because only a coward would continue to tell someone that they love them, and that they will come home to them....and not do what they say. Until he can face what he is or has become....I don't want him home.

I watched this show on tv tonight about women who were married to men in prison. I sympathized with them and envied them. I envied them because at least they had the luxury of knowing where their husbands were. I sympathized with them because they understood how I feel....a way that most people wouldn't understand.

I can still love and support the man.....but I don't need him because I can't depend on him being there. I can't hold out hope anymore because I can't handle the disappointment.

The only one who can change how I feel is my husband. He needs to stand by his words. He needs to come home....before he doesn't have a home to come home to.

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