Saturday, October 20, 2007

Franchise husband?

There is a comment on my last post which I feel that I need to address.

I am no fool.

The thought that Mr.3 has another life....or another wife... is not a new one. It never has been. But there are some things that I don't write about...or talk about.

There is a reason (besides my current monetary situation) that I have three jobs....that I try to keep myself mindlessly busy....because some thoughts are too horrible to focus on. I avoid dishes because I invariably think during that time. I prefer to wash dishes and clean my house in private because I cry when I do it.

Yes, you read right. I cry when I do household chores.

When I think about my situation, I am filled with despair, and anger, and shame. And all of these emotions, all are aimed at something that I don't understand, at something I cannot explain, at something that I am kept in the dark about.

I need my readers, and my family, to know...that I'm not stupid. That I do think about what the consequences of what some things are. I've looked into the cost of private investigators ($55 an hour is a little steep for my budget), I have looked at the divorce laws (he has to be gone for at least a year for me to file under willful desertion). Each day, every minute of each day, I live with this uncertainty- this feeling of abandonment, doubt, helplessness.....and also the self-hate for being an unfaithful wife for not whole-heartedly believing and supporting my husband.

I know that there are alot of people out there who love and care for me. And I listen to all of your theorizing....all of your talk that I "should just give up and divorce him" or your speculations that I'm some sort of "cover" that he created. I listen to how all of you tell me that I am being used. It is fun to speculate isn't it, its fun to throw out suggestions like what a bad person he is... but every single word cuts me to the bone. I'm wounded enough as it is.

Ultimately, the truth has to come from one person, and one person only.

I've always thought of myself as level-headed. As someone who is caring and willing to help those in need. I've always prided myself on taking others advice and making the right decisions in my life. You also need to remember...that you all were as taken with Mr.3 as I was. You all took him in too....and now, you all are so willing to throw him away. And it easy for you to do that...because you are not me. You were not the ones loved by him. He made me happy, he made me complete.

And that is something that I can never forget.


Stephanie said...

hey, i have been thinking about you a lot lately. i miss hanging out... just so you know ;) PLEASE CALL ME and we can get some coffee.

Anonymous said...

as the anonymous who left the comment, I evaluated the situation as an outsider. Perhaps, because you are loved by him and you loved him, it may be difficult for you to see how starkly this person's treatment of you is unfair and undignified.

no matter what his excuse - though logic pretty much dictates he is lying - you should not accept him back even if he came. You deserve thousand fold better. An illusion of love is no love at all...