Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Logically sound? Maybe.

Trying to think in this present situation is quite difficult. There is absolutely no way I am going to be able to work right now, so I think that I have just given up for today.

No luck in contacting Mr.3 today, as if that is surprising. I did end up calling the phone number that he called from yesterday, went straight to an anonymous answering machine. Which meant that I left a "crazy wife" message: "Hello, this may sound odd but my husband called from this number yesterday and I am trying to find him. His name is _blank_ but also uses _blank_. If you have any information about him please call me back at _blank_, my name is Debbie." I also did the "not-trying-to-be-obsessive-but-hoping-for-a-lead" crazy google search on his name. Found someone with his old name, in his old field, with a similar educational background working in South Carolina somewhere since Jan. 2007. Yeah, that didn't help situations any further.

Logically, not much has changed. The timeline for the divorce by desertion still continues. As he has contacted me, I can't fill out a missing persons report for a few days anyway. And while the latest lie is particularly is just another one to add to the ever-mounting list.

The "why" question still plagues me. My mom is starting to blame herself for him calling me yesterday because she sent him an email imploring him to call me. I keep trying to tell her that it is Mr.3's fault, and only Mr.3's fault for lying to me so. Hopefully she will take that to heart.

I have also gone back to theorizing what is REALLY happening. Several scenarios have come to the surface, each highly plausible. One, that he has started over again somewhere else and just delights in being a jackass and telling lies so that he never has to end anything like a normal person. Two, is that he checked himself into the VA in Washington and that he really has been released but messed up in his story explanations. This scenario has him currently on a bus coming across the US in an attempt at getting back to Utah before Jimmy and I planned on it. This also places his story as he never was on a train back to Utah at the end of February. This explains the lack of visitation or contact with the doctor's, and his failing to call me from the hospital. Oh, and for those of you going "but wait? didn't he call yesterday from a Utah area code", that is answered just as simply. Mr.3 has a history of buying the quick pay as you go cell phones, the call could have easily been from one of them. Funnyingly enough, the least plausible explanation is that he was in some treatment center in Utah.

I simply hate the fact that I have to come up with these situations. Last year when this happened, it was I who suggested that he was getting help somewhere...and only after I had "figured it out" did he admit to me that it was true and did I get some verification of his story. This also leads me back to the "why", why the hell is this needed? Why can't he just tell me what is really going on? That is much easier. Even though it sucked ass to learn about his former identity...and that day of finding out still survives as the worst day of my life...the next day, it was so much nicer, so many questions had been answered...I could breathe easier the next day.

While this has been hard on me, this latest development is hardest on my family. I see the looks on my family's faces every time that they look at me. I don't really communicate with them verbally on this issue anymore, I just forward on the letters that I write to Mr.3 or they read my blog like everyone else. I know that all of them want to just make the pain go away, to protect me. But I can't help them with this. I can't make them feel better in this regard. Bad things happen to good people and this is just another example.

Now, that I think about it, is what Mr.3 has done this time, any worse than him telling me that he was in fact in Denver and that he was walking over to meet me? I waited in a supermarket parking lot for 8 hours that time. Is this situation any different? Well...there is a part of it that is, I don't understand what the impetus to tell me that he was released was. With the parking lot thing he panicked and just told me anything....and it was immediate then because I was in Denver actively searching for him. This time there was no immediacy that demanded he tell me something even I can't reason this away.

In any case, it is obvious that my husband is still very very sick. Because only someone who is sick in the head would try to destroy everything that is good around him. Please pity him, not me. Don't pity me because I love someone who is self-destructive. Don't pity me because I married someone and am trying to honor my vows to him in every way. Don't pity me....but please, stay and support me...yell at me...hold, comment, whatever...but please, don't pity me. Yes, I am being hurt, and yes, I am still open to being hurt by Mr.3. But remember that I have stood my ground. I have a time line I am trying to follow and I will not waver in my willingness to work this out with him...he just has to be willing as well.

So let's end this post this way. In the scenario where Mr.3 is on a bus somewhere trying to beat Jimmy and I coming home, this would place Mr.3 on a Greyhound bus somewhere in Missouri. He would be on this bus for almost three days before he arrives in Salt Lake at 9:30 in the evening tomorrow. The bus is going to be hot and cramped with sweaty, smelly, and holiday-travel-angry people....the bus will invariably break down somewhere, someone will be sick and the smell will linger for hours after they got off the bus...the ride will be uncomfortable in every sense of the word...a travel nightmare. And while I can't guarantee that he is feeling guilty on this ride or if he is feeling smug about having "pulled one over on me", I can be sure that he is hating and regretting life while he is accumulating the greyhound travel scruz all over him.

And just for that, I can enjoy being smug a little.


Kerrith Black said...

It seems that you have had a hard time discussing this issue with your family. I am just a friend and my opinion should count for less than their's but in my experience, sometimes people prefer hearing advice from friends rather than family. So, here it goes:

It sounds to me, reading your last two posts, like you are assuming the best and the worst possible outcomes at the same time. This, pattern of what ifs and maybes is causing you too much emotional trauma. I think that you should just rely on the facts that you know. Speculating about the potentials is destroying you inside.

You seem to have decided to wait. At least until you know more. That is fine. But, you need to embrace that decision and actually wait. If you continue to speculate, it will keep eating you up.

If you do eventually decide to move on, everyone who knows you will understand. They have been watching your situation unfold for the last two ands a half years and have seen it wear you down. Those who care about you appreciate that you are a loving and devoted wife who only wants what is best for your husband. However, at some point you need to also take care of yourself, emotionally, financially and psychologically.

I hope I am not out of line. I realize that you use your blog as a means to vent your emotional frustration and express yourself in ways that you may not be able to do face to face. I am often unsure if you want responses to the more personal posts. But, I want to help in whatever limited way I can.


Delal said...

Jason, you're comments have never been out of line...I have always appreciated your honesty, especially as you have known Mike as a friend as well.

I have found that the speculating has been the only way to get myself to stop crying. Once I have gotten to that point I can just wait.

Although I wonder if I should file a missing persons report, or just not bother with it. I know that he will contact me, one day.