Thursday, January 03, 2008

which shoulder?

Well I tried to get to work, but I failed miserably. A creditor had called earlier for Mr.3 and I had let it go to voice mail. I listened to the message, which was a standard message...but it started a conversation between Jimmy and I. It's a rare moment when I open up to him about anything concerning my feelings for Mr.3 or about this whole situation. It started to come out...well..a bit of it.

From what I know of Mr.3's life, I can piece together, I can understand his motivations for just about everything...everything up until what happened on Christmas. Despite how it looks, I really do know my husband well...but I doubt. Especially now. Because no matter how I look at the situation...I can't figure what he was thinking in this one. I can't understand what it is that is preventing him from wanting to be with me.

Jimmy tried to get me to look up some information on filing a missing persons report...and I can't tell you the abject fear that this is causing in me. I don't know if I can do it...I don't think that I can. I wrote down all the items that they are going to need for the report... and I can't remember things anymore...I can't remember which shoulder his tattoo is on but I can remember every freckle around it. The anxiety that even the thought of filling out the missing persons report is paralyzing.

Jimmy said an interesting thing tonight. He said that he believed Mr.3 had not come home because he is too ashamed of the hurt that he has caused to face me. That his biggest fear is disappointing the one who loves him. And then Jimmy said something amazing...he said that he could forgive Mr.3 if he just came home and tried to work things out with me. Beforehand he said that he wouldn't ever forgive him...and Jimmy is worried that part of the reason why Mr.3 isn't coming home is that he is still living with me. I don't think that is the case, but I can understand his concern.

I just wish that I could talk to him...I know that I am gonna cry, and I know that me crying hurts him...but I can't help that. I just...I just...
I'm just gonna go and write him or something...maybe if I write it out to him I can stop crying for the evening.

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