Death of an Extrovert

I think that alot of people consider themselves as extroverted....and at one point in my life I would have said that I was. Not now anyway. I still have no problems speaking in front of large groups...but that is different. Public speaking is impersonal and therefore easy. Speaking in group situations smaller than that is difficult.

Last night I went to dinner with Libby and some friends from Cactus. Libby and I were there first and I was just chattering away. Then Sara arrived and I clammed up....and I was pretty much silent by the time everyone else arrived. It isn't like I don't know these people....I've worked with them, we have hung out together on numerous occasions....and yet, I seemed to have developed this disturbing shy streak.

I think that I have grown into the mindset that I don't have anything interesting to say to people anymore. One on one, you can't shut me up....but in small groups...I just don't feel comfortable speaking out anymore. I think that part of it might be that when Mr.3 was around and we were in groups that he did the talking anyway....and whatever he had to say, whatever life experiences he had to relate were always more important that anything that I have ever had happen to me.

I feel like the conversation always gets interrupted when I speak...and that I never get back to finishing what I was saying. I don't even fight to bring the conversation back to me anymore because fundamentally I don't feel like it would have mattered to anyone else at the table. Libby tries to bring the conversation back to me....but I feel defeated anyway. I feel defeated most of the time. It has become the new status quo.

Craig- one of the people at the dinner- asked me how things were going. He knows what has happened because Libby told him, and I assumed that everyone else knew too. All I could say was that I was managing....then there was a pregnant pause and the conversation turned elsewhere. I don't know why I don't really tell people what is going on anymore....I think that it must be because I am petrified to be one of "those people"--- who lay out their life story and all of their problems to whoever will listen. I don't want to be a burden....so I suppress it. And I don't really want to be a burden to close friends and family either...so I suppress it. The blog is probably the only place where I feel like I get even close to revealing what I am thinking or feeling about...but only just. The blog is still this personal/impersonal space where I can lay everything down but manage to spare myself the humility of having people see me cry.

It isn't enough anymore for me to "know" things. Like I know that I have led an interesting life and done interesting things....even outside of Mr.3. I'm trying to pick up my life....I'm trying to blog more and I even wrote an article for Global Voices this weekend (my first since October)... but even through all of the trying. I still feel worthless.