It's no use, I can't sleep. And I am strangely considering going into work almost two hours early so that I have something to do with my time other than think.
Ok, here is what has been bugging me. Last Tuesday in my weekly session with the therapist I brought up the issue of stopping treatment. Why? Because I was really feeling good about myself and my life and hell....not spending $20 each week on sessions would be nice. When I broached the subject she asked me how I viewed our sessions in general and I made the mistake of telling her that I no longer kept a running tally of the minutes that I felt that she owed me. This of course sparked a HUGE discussion and apparently a "breakthrough" of one sort of another, basically that I have consistently felt "cheated" in life in one aspect or another. People have taken advantage of me-my loyalty, my fidelity, etc; I feel like I give more to people but don't receive anything back; I've been made to be the responsible one in situations where I should have never been put into. This idea has been the focus of alot of my thought patterns for this week.... and while I have come around to the idea, I am not sure if there is anything to be done about it. It has also come to another strange and sad epiphany.
I am not the type of person that people stay with.
While I've wanted nothing else in this world than to be loved, I really want someone to love me with longevity. Yes, I have my family there for me...but sometimes that feels cursory. This is where the "cheated" thing comes in. My brother for example... while he has been paying rent for the past two months, he only pays $150 a month, which barely covers the food expenses that I have trying to make sure that he has something to eat. I wouldn't feel that bad about it if he did chores around the house, but he doesn't. So I am the one who does the chores, I am the one who pays all the bills....and if I have a lapse of cleaning, Jimmy will still sneer at the dirty dishes and give me a look that says "why haven't you done this?" He will insist that he doesn't do this, but he does. And rather than waste my breath yelling at him to do this and that, I just suck it up and do it myself. If he isn't going to meet me half-way why bother getting him to try? Some days I love having him live with me, and I wistfully think about how we will probably live together always and how nice that will be. la de da. The reality of the situation is that he will live with me for as long as he can (with me taking care of him) and then he will leave when he is tired of me.
He will leave like everyone else does.
Back to the idea of why I am the person that no one stays with, it also comes down to what I offer in a relationship. What I have to offer, no one wants to share....not even with a child. I offer a space where everything is done for you, and attention is constantly paid to your needs....I hardly ever complain and when I do I can be easily quieted with a small token or a word. And who wants to share a situation where the world revolves around themselves? Mr.3 sure as hell didn't. In fact, that is why he kept stringing me along, I offered a world that he did not want to share and keeping me in my little glass bubble is appealing. Jimmy doesn't want to share me either, and PNG picked up on that....which is why he asked if my brother was awake the other night when he wanted to come over. PNG didn't want to share either.....and by coming to me whenever it fits into his schedule also shows that he just wants to visit my glass bubble, to enjoy his time there, but not to share it, not to let others know. I don't see it as being shunned but more of a situation where I am a pleasant secret to be kept locked and hidden away.
I feel like I offer a service. And while I will smile when you want me to and keep the house clean and give you sanctuary....I feel cheated the whole time. Those tokens that I am so easily quieted with last a short time....I'll still be mad, but I will never tell you about it. I'll still feel hurt, but you will never see it. All I have ever asked is to be met with half-way in any relationship, and I can never seem to get that offered back to me. I see my friends in their relationships committing what I would cite as "mistakes", they complain too much, they cry to much, they wear all of their flaws on their sleeves....and somehow they can get people to love and stay with them. I have these flaws too....but no one stays around long enough to see....I'm just as fragile, just as deserving of being taken seriously, and just as deserving of having someone take care of me....but no one stays to see it. It is so tiring having to be alone, do everything alone, and knowing that when I choose to start a family, I will have to do that alone as well.
So I guess my question in all of this is, now that I have identified that I feel cheated in most things....can that even be changed? What is the point of recognizing something like that in yourself when there is little hope of changing for the better? And perhaps the more indignant question: why do I have to be the one to change? I feel cheated in this as well....because it is all down to me, again..down to me to take care of myself, because (can we all chime in on this one?...) no one else will.
In the meantime, this is the second time in two days that I have watched the sunrise from my bedroom window. Oh, to just be able to be still....